Nightwalker
Page 42

She looked stunned, her jaw having dropped open a half an inch.
“You did this?” she asked. “You’re the reason Apep is here?”
“Yes,” he said tightly.
Now she would turn from him. He would never touch her again. The thought left him bereft in a powerful way. A way he had not thought possible in so short a time.
“But it was an accident, right? You didn’t do it on purpose.”
“Does that matter? It was done.”
“It does matter. There is a huge difference between accidentally doing it and doing it on purpose.”
“I resurrected the imp god and when I realized what I had done I took Leo from his torture and brought him to this house as a way of bargaining myself inside. When I realized the magnitude of my fault in this, I knew I had to use every skill I had, every resource available to me, to see this undone. That is how I came to be here today and that is why no one will thank you for being my lover.
“I am sorry,” he said softly. “It was wrong of me not to tell you sooner, but…” He shook his head. “No. I have no excuse. Count it among my many other crimes.”
“How long ago did this happen?” she asked.
“Almost a year ago. Why?”
“And in all that time, you have been here trying to undo what you did?”
“Yes, but—”
She held up a hand to silence him. “I get it. You’ve done terrible things. Made terrible mistakes. But what is important to me is what you have been doing about them. You have been trying to make things right.”
“Nothing can make right what I did to Leo.”
“No. Perhaps not. But you regret it now. That’s what matters.”
“Is it? I don’t think it matters at all.”
“It does. It matters a great deal. As does all the work you have been doing to try to rid the world of Apep.”
“The mistake I created.”
“Mistake being the key word,” she argued stubbornly.
“Clearly you aren’t understanding me,” he said with frustration. Didn’t she get it? He was unworthy of her. He was unworthy of everything.
“I understand you better than you think I do. I understand that you have dedicated yourself this past year to making things right.”
“I released a god on this earth! That god has tortured, raped, and killed. All because of me!” he railed at her.
“And it’s eating you up inside isn’t it?” she shot back at him.
“Yes!”
“Good!”
At last, he thought. At last she was seeing that he needed to suffer penance for his crimes.
But then she said, “Because if it wasn’t, then you wouldn’t have changed at all. But you have changed, haven’t you? You don’t keep slaves anymore. You don’t torture innocent people anymore. You don’t do whatever reckless things it was that led you to bring Apep into the world. You don’t do it anymore.”
“That doesn’t matter,” he said quietly. “The crimes are done and my current behavior doesn’t erase them.”
“I agree. It doesn’t erase them. But it atones for them.” She stood up and walked until she was standing toe to toe with him, looking up into his eyes. “You think you have done unforgivable things, and I agree, they were very bad things, but forgiveness isn’t about abusing you for making terrible mistakes. It’s forgiveness or it isn’t. I think you deserve forgiveness. Maybe others in this house won’t agree with me, but I don’t care.” She took his hands in hers. The contact was like a soothing balm to him. He had thought she would never touch him again. “I forgive you, Kamen.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he said stubbornly.
“I’m saying that I forgive you. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And I think you need to be forgiven. You deserve it.”
“I deserve nothing.”
“I disagree.”
“But—”
She touched her fingers to his lips to silence him. “No buts, remember?”
Kamen didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know if he thought she was a complete idiot or potentially the kindest heart in the known world. If she was the latter, he certainly didn’t deserve her.
But she was staying. She knew the worst about him and she was staying.
“I will not have you be an outcast in this house. It is better if you—”
“I am very much used to being an outcast,” she said firmly.
“You’ve done nothing to deserve it.”
“Exactly. I’ve done nothing to deserve it. So if I am shunned, the fault lies with them, not me.”
The insight surprised him. She was used to taking the blame for things. She usually agreed with people’s poor perception of her. For her to think in this manner, it was positively revolutionary.
“I would not have you harmed,” he whispered, touching his forehead to hers and squeezing her hands. “I would not have the stain of my crimes rub off onto you.”
“It won’t,” she assured him. “I am not responsible for your crimes. For them to treat me as if I am…that would be wrong of them. And somehow…somehow I don’t think these people are capable of being that judgmental. Not against me anyway. I can see they judge you and I can see why. But they’re going to have to decide if they will forgive you for these crimes or not. That’s on them. Not on me, and not on you. You just keep doing the right thing and the rest will fall into place eventually.”
Kamen sighed and looked into her pretty gray eyes. “Where did you come from, little dove? And what did I do to deserve you?”
“I’m sure it was something very wicked. You are saddled with me now. You could not get rid of me.”
“I thought I would never touch you again,” he said as he drew her closer. “I thought you would hate me.”
“Surprise,” she said, reaching to touch her mouth to his.
He pulled her up into the kiss with the fervor of his relief. He kissed her as if it were the last time, even though he realized it wasn’t.
He vowed to always kiss her as if it were going to be the last time.
 
 
Chapter 14
 

Apep was sitting up in bed with an IV dripping into his veins. Pitocin. It was meant to start his labor, but it didn’t seem to be working. He impatiently drummed his manicured nails against his thigh as he read a trashy little Hollywood insider magazine. Really, he’d grown quite addicted to hearing about these stars’ lives.