Nightwalker
Page 70
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“SingSing, take this seriously,” Jackson scolded from the sidelines. “If Kane can’t do this for whatever reason, we may need you as a backup.”
“Oh, I’m taking this very seriously.” She scrunched up her face and pointed to it. “See? This is my serious face.”
Jackson sighed.
“Let’s do it again.”
Chapter 22
Kamen was pacing. It was so out of character for the serene man she had come to know. He usually dealt with the world in such a calm and confident manner. Except when it came to her. He was confident, but he was also turbulent. Passionate. She liked it that way.
But she didn’t like seeing him stressed out. Yet she knew there was very little she could do about it. Her odds of getting any sleep today were probably just as low as his.
Tomorrow night would tell the tale. They would finally face this terrible enemy and the truth was…the truth was they weren’t all going to come back alive and intact. There were going to be casualties. On one side or another, there were going to be casualties.
“Kamen, what can I do to help you?” she asked, moving to stop him in his circuit across the floor.
He gave her a small smile, reached to cup her face in his hand, and ran a thumb over her frowning lips.
“There is nothing to be done. Tomorrow people are going to die. Because of me. Templars, Politic, Demons, Djynn…I have wrought this terrible circumstance and others are going to pay for it.”
“Blaming yourself isn’t going to solve anything. It isn’t going to help. If you spend all your time these next hours fretting about what guilt you bear, then you won’t get the rest you need and you won’t be as sharp as you need to be to stop people from getting hurt.”
He sighed and pulled her in close. Held her tightly to the hard planes of his body and pressed his mouth down on hers.
“Would that it were so simple,” he whispered against her lips.
“I’m not saying it is simple or easy. But sometimes forgiveness has to start with the forgiven. You need to let go of the reasons why this has come to pass and focus instead on what you can do to stop it from getting any worse.”
He looked down into her eyes, letting her see deep into the startling blue of his. She saw his pain there. His guilt. And she saw him suffering because of it. She didn’t want him to suffer anymore. She couldn’t wait for this to finally be over, for him to be free of this enormous weight that was dragging him down. She wanted Apep gone from their existence once and for all.
“It will all happen as it is meant to,” she said softly.
“I feel as if I am meant to die tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. In another hundred years I’ll be back to cause more chaos again,” he said dryly. “But this life, I fear, is almost at an end. And there is nothing I will regret more than leaving you behind.”
Fear gripped at her chest. “You’re not going anywhere! You’re not leaving me behind! Don’t even think like that. If you think that way then it is bound to happen. You cannot die until you have rectified this mistake, right?”
“Right.”
“And once the mistake is rectified, there will be nothing left to kill you. So you will be fine.”
“Destroying Apep will not end the battle,” Kamen said. “There will be others to contend with.”
“And they will be dealt with. By our others. You need to just focus on Apep. Tomorrow we will drag him down into that circle and you will purge him from this world.”
“If all goes well,” he said with a sigh. “I’m not even sure—”
“It will go well,” she said, silencing his fretting with a kiss. Then she deepened the kiss, taking his flavor onto her tongue, drawing him into her, coaxing him into being present in the moment with her.
He lifted his knuckles to the rise of her cheek and pulled back to watch himself caress her there. She was so beautiful and he knew she had no idea that she was. Which somehow made her twice as lovely. She had come into his life two short nights ago and changed his world. With her forgiveness, her unabashed kindness, her damaged ego. But she had come a long way in just those two nights. All she had needed, he had come to realize, was some perspective. She had needed to draw breath in an environment other than her cell where she had been raised to believe she was nothing. Now she was growing confidence. It was still only just germinating inside of her, but she had stood up to Felix and that had been a major step for her.
And now there was a chance he wouldn’t be able to watch the rest of her development. There was a chance one or both of them could die. For the first time he was grateful for Felix. He would much rather have Felix trying to touch that deadly monster than Viève. The closer she got to Apep the more chances she wouldn’t survive.
“I want you to stay away from Apep,” he said suddenly.
“But if Felix falls…”
“There are other Wraiths. Jackson can use them. I don’t want you anywhere near Apep.”
“All right,” she said, relief washing through her. She didn’t want to be anywhere near Apep either. She would much rather contend with the Templars. But could the Wraiths be trusted to do their part? That was the question. One that wouldn’t have an answer until they were in the thick of battle.
Tomorrow night. A few short hours away.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she said fiercely, fighting back the sting of tears. “I want to be with you. If this is potentially our last day on earth, I want to spend it with you.”
“And I you,” he said fondly, his knuckles stroking her. “I never thought I would find someone to be with. Never thought I would even want something like this. But now it is all I want. It is what will make all of this worthwhile. Before it was a duty, now destroying Apep is paramount to my…my heart. I need to make room for you, and the only way I can do that is by lifting this burden of guilt. I will feel every loss of life tomorrow, but it will be easier to bear knowing you are here to forgive me. Please…be here for me.”
She knew he was asking her to survive. Even though he didn’t believe in his own survival, he was asking her to survive.
“I am here for you and I will be here until you get sick of me.”
“That will be a very long time from now,” he said, for the first time thinking like a man with a future. A future he had to have only if it could be with her. He had been going through the motions of life for so many centuries now and for the first time in a long time he wanted to be alive. He wanted to tell her, but he could not. Not until the burdens of guilt were lifted from his soul. She didn’t deserve him, but he was going to subject her to himself all the same.
“Oh, I’m taking this very seriously.” She scrunched up her face and pointed to it. “See? This is my serious face.”
Jackson sighed.
“Let’s do it again.”
Chapter 22
Kamen was pacing. It was so out of character for the serene man she had come to know. He usually dealt with the world in such a calm and confident manner. Except when it came to her. He was confident, but he was also turbulent. Passionate. She liked it that way.
But she didn’t like seeing him stressed out. Yet she knew there was very little she could do about it. Her odds of getting any sleep today were probably just as low as his.
Tomorrow night would tell the tale. They would finally face this terrible enemy and the truth was…the truth was they weren’t all going to come back alive and intact. There were going to be casualties. On one side or another, there were going to be casualties.
“Kamen, what can I do to help you?” she asked, moving to stop him in his circuit across the floor.
He gave her a small smile, reached to cup her face in his hand, and ran a thumb over her frowning lips.
“There is nothing to be done. Tomorrow people are going to die. Because of me. Templars, Politic, Demons, Djynn…I have wrought this terrible circumstance and others are going to pay for it.”
“Blaming yourself isn’t going to solve anything. It isn’t going to help. If you spend all your time these next hours fretting about what guilt you bear, then you won’t get the rest you need and you won’t be as sharp as you need to be to stop people from getting hurt.”
He sighed and pulled her in close. Held her tightly to the hard planes of his body and pressed his mouth down on hers.
“Would that it were so simple,” he whispered against her lips.
“I’m not saying it is simple or easy. But sometimes forgiveness has to start with the forgiven. You need to let go of the reasons why this has come to pass and focus instead on what you can do to stop it from getting any worse.”
He looked down into her eyes, letting her see deep into the startling blue of his. She saw his pain there. His guilt. And she saw him suffering because of it. She didn’t want him to suffer anymore. She couldn’t wait for this to finally be over, for him to be free of this enormous weight that was dragging him down. She wanted Apep gone from their existence once and for all.
“It will all happen as it is meant to,” she said softly.
“I feel as if I am meant to die tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. In another hundred years I’ll be back to cause more chaos again,” he said dryly. “But this life, I fear, is almost at an end. And there is nothing I will regret more than leaving you behind.”
Fear gripped at her chest. “You’re not going anywhere! You’re not leaving me behind! Don’t even think like that. If you think that way then it is bound to happen. You cannot die until you have rectified this mistake, right?”
“Right.”
“And once the mistake is rectified, there will be nothing left to kill you. So you will be fine.”
“Destroying Apep will not end the battle,” Kamen said. “There will be others to contend with.”
“And they will be dealt with. By our others. You need to just focus on Apep. Tomorrow we will drag him down into that circle and you will purge him from this world.”
“If all goes well,” he said with a sigh. “I’m not even sure—”
“It will go well,” she said, silencing his fretting with a kiss. Then she deepened the kiss, taking his flavor onto her tongue, drawing him into her, coaxing him into being present in the moment with her.
He lifted his knuckles to the rise of her cheek and pulled back to watch himself caress her there. She was so beautiful and he knew she had no idea that she was. Which somehow made her twice as lovely. She had come into his life two short nights ago and changed his world. With her forgiveness, her unabashed kindness, her damaged ego. But she had come a long way in just those two nights. All she had needed, he had come to realize, was some perspective. She had needed to draw breath in an environment other than her cell where she had been raised to believe she was nothing. Now she was growing confidence. It was still only just germinating inside of her, but she had stood up to Felix and that had been a major step for her.
And now there was a chance he wouldn’t be able to watch the rest of her development. There was a chance one or both of them could die. For the first time he was grateful for Felix. He would much rather have Felix trying to touch that deadly monster than Viève. The closer she got to Apep the more chances she wouldn’t survive.
“I want you to stay away from Apep,” he said suddenly.
“But if Felix falls…”
“There are other Wraiths. Jackson can use them. I don’t want you anywhere near Apep.”
“All right,” she said, relief washing through her. She didn’t want to be anywhere near Apep either. She would much rather contend with the Templars. But could the Wraiths be trusted to do their part? That was the question. One that wouldn’t have an answer until they were in the thick of battle.
Tomorrow night. A few short hours away.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she said fiercely, fighting back the sting of tears. “I want to be with you. If this is potentially our last day on earth, I want to spend it with you.”
“And I you,” he said fondly, his knuckles stroking her. “I never thought I would find someone to be with. Never thought I would even want something like this. But now it is all I want. It is what will make all of this worthwhile. Before it was a duty, now destroying Apep is paramount to my…my heart. I need to make room for you, and the only way I can do that is by lifting this burden of guilt. I will feel every loss of life tomorrow, but it will be easier to bear knowing you are here to forgive me. Please…be here for me.”
She knew he was asking her to survive. Even though he didn’t believe in his own survival, he was asking her to survive.
“I am here for you and I will be here until you get sick of me.”
“That will be a very long time from now,” he said, for the first time thinking like a man with a future. A future he had to have only if it could be with her. He had been going through the motions of life for so many centuries now and for the first time in a long time he wanted to be alive. He wanted to tell her, but he could not. Not until the burdens of guilt were lifted from his soul. She didn’t deserve him, but he was going to subject her to himself all the same.
