Karson went to say something, but Lacey stopped him. “We forgave him. Everything he did all those months ago. Together we did, and you told me we can’t go back on it. That was old Jordie,” she reiterated, and to Jordie’s surprise, when Karson looked down at her, his expression softened. “We said that nothing mattered except his actions from the moment he apologized.”
“But he never told me about this.”
“Because he was embarrassed and also a little fucked up from it. They have their own issues, and who are you to get mad about it? What will that fix? He made the mistake. He’s the one who has to live with it.”
“Yes, but hitting him makes me feel better,” Karson said before glancing up at Jordie. “And I’m not sorry.”
“Don’t blame you,” Jordie agreed. “It hurt.”
“Good,” Karson said as he shook his head.
A silence fell over the room and Jordie didn’t know what to do. Kacey was looking twenty shades of pissed, Karson was shaking, and Regina wouldn’t look at him. Karl and Lacey were the only ones who looked approachable, but still he didn’t move. That was until he noticed the clock that said he needed to go.
As he smacked his hands together, Karson’s gaze cut to his and Jordie nodded. “I fucked up, I’m sorry. But I gotta go, gotta work on me a bit.”
He knew his feelings shouldn’t have been hurt when Karson didn’t offer to go with him, but they kind of were. Karson had been going with him all the time, except when Lacey wanted to go. Those were the times he spoke of Kacey, because Lacey supported them. The pain he was feeling at that moment was brought on solely by himself. He’d had every opportunity to talk to Karson. Instead, he’d hid what happened.
He was a coward.
When Karl’s hand came crashing down on Jordie’s shoulder, he looked back as Karl said, “I’ll go with you.”
Nodding his head, he said, “Cool, let me go wash my mouth out and we’ll leave.”
As he headed to the bathroom, he heard Regina say, “Kacey, where are you going?”
“No way am I staying here with you so you can press me for info. I have nothing to say, and I have somewhere to be.”
He wanted to believe she was leaving to meet him, but it was too early, and then he remembered that she had to go see Liam. He hoped that she would break up with him, but after everything that had just happened, he was unsure if she would be meeting him later.
And that scared him more than losing his relationship with Karson did.
“Jordie, how are you doing?” Bethany, the AA group leader, asked.
Falling deeper into his seat, he nodded. “I’m good.”
“Any cravings?”
Jordie scoffed. “All the time, but I’m managing them. No slipups.”
Karl squeezed his shoulder and Jordie smiled over at him.
“That’s good. Have you noticed anything in particular that is triggering them? Or is it just a constant craving?”
Jordie sat up, leaning on his thighs, and he shrugged. “I’ve been stressing more than usual, and before I would have a drink to calm me and forget the things I didn’t want to think about. Now, all I do is think. I drive myself crazy overthinking things.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I hate the mistakes I made.”
“They are in the past though, right? When you were drinking?”
“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and letting out a breath. “But my mistakes keep haunting me. They stare back at me every day, they sleep in the room next door to me, and I’m worried there is no way to fix them. To make her see that I’m not that man anymore.”
“She? Um…what was her name? Kacey?”
Dropping his head, he closed his eyes as her words played over and over again in his head.
I wasn’t enough.
He nodded slowly before saying, “How do I get her to trust me? To forget everything I did?”
“You know, Jordie, it isn’t very smart to get into a relationship when you are in recovery,” she said, but Jordie shook his head.
“I don’t care,” he said simply, and when Bethany didn’t say anything to that, he looked up to see everyone looking at him. “I don’t want to be who I was. I want to be someone better, I want to be sober, I want to play hockey, I want to be happy, and I want to love and be loved by her. I know she’ll make me a better person, the person I want to be. That person wants to sit here a year from now, looking at the new guy the way you guys do, like they won’t make it but hoping that they’ll prove me wrong. And, believe me, I’m gonna prove all of you wrong.”
Everyone smiled as Bethany nodded. “And we hope you do. I’m just saying I don’t want you to do something that could trigger a setback.”
“Anything could trigger a setback. And I’m sorry, but I’m gonna live my life and I’m gonna keep fighting this addiction I have,” he said and she nodded.
“And I want you to, but I also want you to be realistic about this. Know going in that you are doing it because you love her and want to be with her. Not because you are looking for a distraction from your addiction.”
Jordie glared. “I have loved this girl a long time; I just fought it because I didn’t think I could be the man she needs. In the last couple months, I’ve changed and I actually love me.”
“That’s what we want, Jordie. But just keep in mind, don’t replace one addiction with another.”
“But he never told me about this.”
“Because he was embarrassed and also a little fucked up from it. They have their own issues, and who are you to get mad about it? What will that fix? He made the mistake. He’s the one who has to live with it.”
“Yes, but hitting him makes me feel better,” Karson said before glancing up at Jordie. “And I’m not sorry.”
“Don’t blame you,” Jordie agreed. “It hurt.”
“Good,” Karson said as he shook his head.
A silence fell over the room and Jordie didn’t know what to do. Kacey was looking twenty shades of pissed, Karson was shaking, and Regina wouldn’t look at him. Karl and Lacey were the only ones who looked approachable, but still he didn’t move. That was until he noticed the clock that said he needed to go.
As he smacked his hands together, Karson’s gaze cut to his and Jordie nodded. “I fucked up, I’m sorry. But I gotta go, gotta work on me a bit.”
He knew his feelings shouldn’t have been hurt when Karson didn’t offer to go with him, but they kind of were. Karson had been going with him all the time, except when Lacey wanted to go. Those were the times he spoke of Kacey, because Lacey supported them. The pain he was feeling at that moment was brought on solely by himself. He’d had every opportunity to talk to Karson. Instead, he’d hid what happened.
He was a coward.
When Karl’s hand came crashing down on Jordie’s shoulder, he looked back as Karl said, “I’ll go with you.”
Nodding his head, he said, “Cool, let me go wash my mouth out and we’ll leave.”
As he headed to the bathroom, he heard Regina say, “Kacey, where are you going?”
“No way am I staying here with you so you can press me for info. I have nothing to say, and I have somewhere to be.”
He wanted to believe she was leaving to meet him, but it was too early, and then he remembered that she had to go see Liam. He hoped that she would break up with him, but after everything that had just happened, he was unsure if she would be meeting him later.
And that scared him more than losing his relationship with Karson did.
“Jordie, how are you doing?” Bethany, the AA group leader, asked.
Falling deeper into his seat, he nodded. “I’m good.”
“Any cravings?”
Jordie scoffed. “All the time, but I’m managing them. No slipups.”
Karl squeezed his shoulder and Jordie smiled over at him.
“That’s good. Have you noticed anything in particular that is triggering them? Or is it just a constant craving?”
Jordie sat up, leaning on his thighs, and he shrugged. “I’ve been stressing more than usual, and before I would have a drink to calm me and forget the things I didn’t want to think about. Now, all I do is think. I drive myself crazy overthinking things.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I hate the mistakes I made.”
“They are in the past though, right? When you were drinking?”
“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and letting out a breath. “But my mistakes keep haunting me. They stare back at me every day, they sleep in the room next door to me, and I’m worried there is no way to fix them. To make her see that I’m not that man anymore.”
“She? Um…what was her name? Kacey?”
Dropping his head, he closed his eyes as her words played over and over again in his head.
I wasn’t enough.
He nodded slowly before saying, “How do I get her to trust me? To forget everything I did?”
“You know, Jordie, it isn’t very smart to get into a relationship when you are in recovery,” she said, but Jordie shook his head.
“I don’t care,” he said simply, and when Bethany didn’t say anything to that, he looked up to see everyone looking at him. “I don’t want to be who I was. I want to be someone better, I want to be sober, I want to play hockey, I want to be happy, and I want to love and be loved by her. I know she’ll make me a better person, the person I want to be. That person wants to sit here a year from now, looking at the new guy the way you guys do, like they won’t make it but hoping that they’ll prove me wrong. And, believe me, I’m gonna prove all of you wrong.”
Everyone smiled as Bethany nodded. “And we hope you do. I’m just saying I don’t want you to do something that could trigger a setback.”
“Anything could trigger a setback. And I’m sorry, but I’m gonna live my life and I’m gonna keep fighting this addiction I have,” he said and she nodded.
“And I want you to, but I also want you to be realistic about this. Know going in that you are doing it because you love her and want to be with her. Not because you are looking for a distraction from your addiction.”
Jordie glared. “I have loved this girl a long time; I just fought it because I didn’t think I could be the man she needs. In the last couple months, I’ve changed and I actually love me.”
“That’s what we want, Jordie. But just keep in mind, don’t replace one addiction with another.”
