Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six
Chapter Seventeen

"Glory? How's it going? Isn't this the night you were having Penny's folks over for dinner?" Ray's voice sounded wonderful, not slurred. He was sober and cheerful. I was so . . . not. I could barely talk as my stomach did a bob and weave. Shapes moved under my skirt. Like a boa trying to make an escape.
"Not great. Tell Ian I'm having one of my weird reactions to his stuff." I gasped. "Pain."
"We'll be right there. Hang in, babe."
I tossed the phone aside and grabbed my middle. Skirt. Even without the button it was too tight. I managed to get the zipper down and wiggled out of it, then kicked it to the floor. I slid under the sheet and coverlet, shaking as another pain hit me. I'd been a pig and this was what I got.
But Penny was right. She'd eaten just as much and she hadn't looked like she'd swallowed a water balloon. I huddled under the covers and curled onto my side, my knees pulled up toward my chest. Even my black silk panties felt tight, but I wasn't about to shuck those. Why couldn't anything ever be simple for me? I don't know how long I lay there before Penny opened the bedroom door.
"They're gone. They left a bunch of leftovers in the fridge. I figure Trey or Rafe would enjoy them later. Or not." Penny had a pen and notebook in her hands. "Let me take your temperature." She stopped by the bed. "Do you have a thermometer in the bathroom?"
"Uh, that would be a no. Vampires don't worry about stuff like that." I groaned and rolled over. "Ian's on his way. Look at my stomach." I pulled down the covers. "It's like it's alive."
"Damn. And I always said Mom's roast beef was cooked to death." Penny poked my swollen skin. "You may be right; something's trying to get out of there."
"Answer the door. They must have shifted to get here so fast." I recognized Ray's scent.
"No kidding." She turned and ran to the front door. I heard her greet Ian and Ray. She was busy answering questions about when we'd taken the drug and what we'd eaten when Ray came to stand next to my bed.
"What the hell, Glory?" He sat beside me and brushed back my hair.
"Don't know." I blinked and a tear rolled down my cheek. "Penny's fine. But my stomach - " I bent over and held it as pain ripped through me again. "Damn it!"
"Gloriana, breathe through it." Ian pushed Ray out of the way. He opened a doctor's bag and pulled out that stethoscope Penny had wished for. "I'm going to take a listen. See what's going on." He rubbed the metal sensor with his hand, then placed it on my chest, right inside the vee of my sweater, then he lifted that sweater to check below my breast, moving down toward my stomach.
I could see Ray watching his every move. I stretched out my hand and he took it, squeezing my fingers reassuringly. When Ian pulled down the sheet and my stomach was exposed, he hissed and Ray leaned to see over his shoulder.
"Damn, Glory. Did you eat a side of beef?" Ray gawked at my stomach.
"Very funny." I moaned as my stomach rolled. "No, but I ate two enormous pieces of cake, three rolls, or at least the tops of them, slathered with butter. And some weird but tasty sweet green beans. We both did. Right, Penny?"
"Yes. We were pigs. My mom's not a great cook, but with a chance for a vampire to eat . . ." I saw her look to Ray for sympathy and he nodded.
"Yeah, I get it, especially for my gal here. Glory's been without solid eats for way too long. But you seem to be holding up fine, Penny. Glory's stomach looks like it's about to blow open and I wish I was exaggerating." Ray pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. "Crazy."
"There is something about you, Gloriana. This is the second of my formulas that hasn't agreed with you. It's like an allergic reaction. At least that's what I think this is." Ian pulled a hypodermic needle from his bag. "This time I hope you'll let me treat you."
"Yes. Whatever it takes to stop this. Surely this tummy bulge won't be permanent." I looked like I'd swallowed a small watermelon.
"You mind if Penny listens to your stomach before I give you the shot? This is a chance for her to learn something." Ian took off his stethoscope.
I glanced at Penny's eager face. "Sure, go ahead. But hurry."
She took the stethoscope and carefully placed the earpieces, then leaned over. "Wow, fascinating." She and Ian said a few things that I ignored. It was technical jargon and I had a feeling my fledgling was going to end up in medical school after all. Maybe I could plant the idea in her parents' minds that time spent with Ian would make that happen. Surely that would make them happier about her possible trip to Sodom and Gomorrah, otherwise known as California.
"Okay, I think I've suffered enough for science. Give me the damned shot." I offered my arm.
"Wait. What is it?" Ray blocked Ian. "Yeah, yeah, I'm a sap, but this is what Blade would want to know."
"Hello? In pain here." I didn't care what Ian gave me, just wanted the next lightning strike headed off before it hit ground zero.
"No, Ray's right." Ian smiled at me. "It's a cocktail of a common antihistamine and a muscle relaxant." He glanced at Penny. "Your fledgling saw me fill the syringe out in the living room after she described your symptoms."
"That's right, I did. You want me to read the labels on the vials? Look the stuff up on the Internet?" Penny didn't know much about Ian's history with Jerry, but she had a lot of respect for Mr. Blade.
"No, just shoot me." I looked at Ray and Penny. "I appreciate the protective bit, but Ian is just trying to help. And if this kills me? He won't live to see another sunset. Jerry will see to that." I handed Ian my arm again. "Now get after it."
"Sorry, Glory, but this goes in the bum. Like I said, these are common meds, but pretty strong doses. They'll make you drowsy, but should take care of this reaction." Ian frowned. "As for the swelling? Well, we'll just have to wait and see if it goes down." He gently rolled me over until he could see my hip, slid down my panty and injected the medicine before I could object to the familiarity. To tell the truth, I was in too much pain to care.
"Penny, why don't you come into the other room and we'll go through the symptoms you noticed as Gloriana presented them. She needs to rest." Ian closed up his bag and led her toward the living room. "Ray, you'll let me know if she shows any new signs of distress?"
"What? Any new signs?" Ray's eyebrows went up. "I thought what you just did was supposed to fix her up."
"So it was. But Gloriana never responds to any treatment as I expect, so I'll trust you to keep a close eye on her." Ian smiled at me. "Feeling any better yet?"
I smiled, surprised to realize I was. "Hmm. Yes, I think, um, well, maybe." I looked over at Ray. "Come lie next to me. I'm worn-out and cold. Will you hold me?"
"Sure, babe. Whatever you want." He kicked off his shoes and climbed in under the covers. "How's the stomach?" He laid his hand over my tummy. "Still swollen, isn't it?"
"Stupid me. Can't anything be easy?" I sighed as he pulled me against him. "But chocolate cake, Ray. It was delicious." I ran my hand over his cotton shirt. "You feel delicious too. Whatcha been doin'?"
"Are you okay?" He looked down at me. "You sound drunk. And I should know."
"Just relaxed. Ian's medicine is pretty good. Took the pain right away." I slid my leg over Ray's. "Now talk to me while I'm waiting for my tummy to shrink. Tell me what's up. Besides Little Ray here." I discovered the bulge behind Ray's zipper. "Shame on you. I'm a sick woman."
"I'm not the one making moves. And it's Big Ray who's happy to see you, nothing little about him." Ray picked up my hand. "Lie still, woman. You should know a guy can't always control his body."
"Liar, liar, pants on fire." I put my hand over my mouth. "Oops. Not mentioning fire or hell or any of that stuff. Don't want the demons bugging me now." I blinked when the room blurred. "Last night was a bad night, Ray." I buried my face in his shirt and sobbed.
"What? What happened, Glory?" Ray stroked my hair.
"Lucifer tried to do something horrible to me. In, in the shower." I couldn't seem to stop crying as I poured out what happened. Why now? Why to Ray? Some part of me realized it was the medication working on me, loosening my inhibitions. But another part of me realized I needed to get this out and Ray had always been easy to talk to. I could trust him to get me and not judge. Or rush to take over and try to fix things.
I finally came to the end, cried out and drained. Ray rocked me against him, humming a sweet song in my ear that soothed me and lulled me into a calm I hadn't felt since I'd fallen to the bottom of that bathtub. My own abyss.
"I'm sorry, Ray." I lifted my head and looked at him.
"Sorry for what?" He kissed my damp cheeks. "Glory, Glory, Glory. I can't believe you kicked Lucifer's butt. Damn, girl."
I smiled. "Yeah, I did, didn't I?"
"Hell, yeah. I'd like to hear what he said to the guys down under when he came back smelling like he'd been dropped on his head in that girly shit." He kissed my forehead, then pulled me close. He was putting a light spin on this, but I'd seen that this had hurt him, that he hurt for me. And easygoing Ray was struggling with the same rage that Jerry and Rafe felt. If we were fighting against normal men, the demons and Lucifer wouldn't have stood a chance.
"I was lucky he decided I wasn't worth his time after that." I shuddered. "But I'm feeling better now. I needed to unload, I guess. If I fall apart with Jerry and Rafe, they . . ."
"I get it. They go all warrior on you, start looking for the nearest battlefield. Beating their chests and putting you behind them like you're the helpless female." Ray breathed into my hair. "Shit, right now I can relate. Would do me some good to hand that bastard a big dose of whoop-ass. Creeping into your shower, invading your privacy . . ."
"Yes, well, it's over. Moving on." I yawned.
"How is she?" Ian spoke from the doorway. "Any change?"
"Well, she's woozy. I guess that's from the shot. Pain's gone." Ray rubbed my back. "Still is, right?"
"All gone." I lifted the sheet and looked down. "But my damned tummy is still poking out." I sat up but the room spun so I fell back. "Ian, this is unacceptable. My stomach had better be flat, er, flatter, anyway, when I wake up tomorrow night or I'm suing! This has malpractice written all over it."
I saw Penny's eyes widen. "But I took the same thing, Glory, and I didn't have any problems."
"Yes. But you don't have a boyfriend named Campbell. Truth now, Ian. Did you put something extra in my vial that you didn't put in Penny's?" I used Ray's shoulder as I struggled to sit up again. Maybe paranoia was contagious or I'd been around Jerry too long.
"You know, somehow I knew this question might arise. So I took precautions." Ian turned to Penny. "When I gave you the formula, Penny, how did you select the vials?"
"You had a bagful of samples. You told me to help myself. To take two, one for me and one for Glory. Any two I wanted. It was totally random." Penny smiled at me. "So he couldn't have rigged yours, Glory. No conspiracy possible."
"Well, that's a relief. Would hate to see that old feud start up again. Campbell versus MacDonald." I leaned against Ray and he squeezed my shoulders. I'm sure he'd just loved hearing me call Jerry my boyfriend. "But you're not off the hook. This is the second time you've made me sick, Ian, instead of delivering the benefit you promised."
"Did you enjoy your meal, Gloriana?" Ian strode over to the bedside.
"Yes." I looked up at him. "Well, as much as I could considering the beef was rubbery and the carrots were underdone. Not your fault." I smiled at Penny. "Your mom doesn't teach home ec, does she?"
"Are you kidding? The school board wouldn't inflict her on future homemakers. Now come on, Glory, you know what Ian is asking." Clearly Penny had a new idol and it wasn't me.
"Fine. To tell the truth? If you could just perfect that damned formula, Ian, it would be worth its weight in gold." I sagged against Ray. "Chocolate cake. Roast beef done right? Oh my God! And live forever too? Now there's a vampire's dream."
"Don't forget living in daylight." Ray kissed my cheek.
"Right. You're right, Ray. Keep working on that too, Ian." I reached back to pat Ray's cheek. I was definitely feeling drunk. But it was a happy drunk and I didn't have it in me to be mad at Ian. Not now, anyway.
"Then give me a blood sample and I'll try to figure out why my formulas give you problems. I promise to work on the food one first. Maybe I can get the kinks worked out and you can give it another shot." Ian opened his bag again.
"Not a good idea, Ian. I think Glory's been through enough." Ray eased me back on the bed. "You don't even know if your stomach will go down yet, Glory. You really want to try this again?"
"In the interest of science?" I glanced at Penny and she nodded. "I would like to know why I reacted weirdly and Penny didn't. But I get freebies if you get answers, Ian, and you fix this so it'll work on me without side effects." I threw my arm out where Ian could reach it.
"Of course. And this should be the first project Penny works on if she comes on board as my assistant. Would that make you feel better, Gloriana? Ray?"
"It might. What do you say, Glory?"
I watched Ian take blood from the vein in my arm and I was suddenly thirsty. "Huh? I say someone get me something to drink." I looked at Ray with a smile. "Ray? Come here, honey. You've got some rich and delicious blood wrapped in a pretty package."
"Uh, I think I've got places to go, people to meet." Penny backed out of the room.
"Me as well." Ian closed his bag with a snap. "I'll let you know the results, Gloriana. And Penny will let me know tomorrow if your stomach benefited from a day's sleep."
I glanced down at my swollen stomach. "Oh, yeah. Full report. Thanks for the shot. Definitely feeling no pain. Bye." I reached for Ray and dragged him to me.
"You know you're not going to do this." Ray laughed as I fell on top of him. We both heard the hall door close and I realized we were alone. My fuzzy thinking might be from the drug Ian had injected in me, but there was nothing fuzzy about my raging thirst.
"Why not?" I slid my fangs along the front of his shirt, popping buttons as I went. I was headed to his jugular. I ran my hands over his smooth chest, not so drunk I didn't appreciate the view. "You really don't mind, do you?"
"Not at all. Go ahead. Have at it. You've been generous enough with me. But I've got to warn you, my self-control is slipping. You are much too tempting in your silk panties and bare legs. And then I saw Ian push up your sweater to listen to your heart. Leopard-print bra. Don't you know what that does to a man, Glory?"
"Good eye, Caine." I grinned and lifted my sweater. "Wasn't baiting a trap. Last one clean. I really need to do laundry."
Ray groaned, rolled me off him and eased out of bed. "No, not happening. I'm getting you a bottle of synthetic and then I'm calling Blade."
"What?" I managed to sit up on my own.
"You're high. That shot of Ian's did this to you and I seem to have found some sort of moral high ground since I got sober. It's a bitch, but there it is."
"Well, that's a hell of a note." I pulled down my sweater and covered my panties with the sheet.
"You said Blade was your boyfriend. He should be here taking care of you. So I'll call him." Ray picked up my cell from the nightstand. "Yep, he's your number one. Enough said."
"You're being awfully noble, Ray. Can't say it suits you. Where's the bad boy when I need him?" I tried for a pout, but didn't have the energy for it. Muscle relaxant. Sitting was too much and I fell back again.
"Well, maybe I'll kick myself all the way home. But I know you, Glory girl, and you sure don't want to wake up tomorrow night smelling of sex with me and not remember it." Ray's smile was wry, like maybe he was already wondering if he'd made the wrong call.
"No! That would be the worst. If, when, we ever . . . Well, I'd want to remember every second." I couldn't look away from his gleaming blue eyes.
"You just made my point. And I'm here to tell you that you'll conk out soon and probably not remember much of what you did or said after Ian gave you that shot." Ray hit speed dial on my phone. "Now lie back and close your eyes. Dream of me, if you want. But that's all you're getting."
I didn't dream. Didn't wake up at all till the next night. My stomach was still swollen, damn it. Not as big as it had been right after my binge, but definitely showing the effects. Penny couldn't wait to fill Ian in. I was wishing for a vamp Yellow Pages so I could find that malpractice lawyer. At least my tummy stayed quiet.
Jerry had slept the day away beside me but I let him know I needed to work and that I felt well enough to keep my appointment with Simon. Of course he'd wanted to be in on it. I knew Simon would take one whiff of a second vampire and never even knock on my back door. Jerry had to see that logic and gave in, reluctantly. So I headed down to the shop alone.
"Glory, did you forget that today is payday? Lacy said to tell you she'd call and see if her check might be ready later tonight." Erin greeted me at the door. "I know you've been busy, with your new roommate and all, but, uh, I have to eat and pay rent, you know."
I held up my hand. "I'll get right on it, Erin. So I'll be in the back room, taking care of it." I headed straight there. I'd spoiled my clerks. Doing my bookkeeping on my day off, Monday, so that their weekly checks were waiting for them on Tuesday. Now I had to sit with time cards and payroll. Some fun. Somehow business hadn't entered my mind after the hell-storm of the weekend.
I pulled out my records and sat with my laptop on the worktable, ready to knock this out. I only had five employees, two full-timers and three students who worked part-time. They were on the honor system and left their time cards in the back room for me. Lacy managed the day, Erin the night crew. I hired paranormals exclusively. It was the way we helped each other. I'd just signed the last check when I felt a presence on one of my shoulders.
"Finally. We didn't want to interrupt you." Emmie Lou sighed in my ear. "Figured it was good for you to get your work done."
"Thanks. Let me run these out to Erin and then we can talk." I stood as soon as Emmie flew up to join Harvey on his perch at the top of the shelving unit. I slipped the checks into envelopes, wrote the names on the fronts and then sealed them. I took them out to a busy Erin, then actually took the time to glance around the shop.
It looked pretty good. Stock was straight, though it was still on the skimpy side. There were several customers with clothing on their arms, obviously getting ready to try them on. And the vintage books were getting some interest from a pair of professor types. Best of all, no sign of Caryon or Spyte. That cheered me.
Because I still had these waves of depression, I'd guess you'd call it. One would hit every time I remembered how Lucifer had attacked me when I was naked and vulnerable. Damn him. Ha. Like that weak word was anything but a compliment to the creep.
Then to top things off, I'd had that stupid reaction to Ian's potion. You can bet Jerry had been upset about that. Of course that had gotten me a lecture. Not a long one. Jerry figured out pretty fast that I was in no mood to hear how wrongheaded I'd been to try anything a MacDonald gave me. And he'd clearly still been reeling from the Lucifer invasion himself, treating me like I was made of glass. I took a breath, then finally walked back into the workroom.
"What's up, guys? Any demon sightings?" I tried to sound flip, but felt anything but.
"They'd better not come in here." Harvey flew down to land on the table in front of me. "I tell you, little gal, their boss has gone too far."
"Yep, Harvey's right. Too far. And someone higher up is not goin' to stand for it." Emmie Lou settled beside her husband.
I sat on the chair. "What could anyone higher up do about it besides send you two here? Lucifer is the head honcho in hell and he does what he damn well pleases." I shuddered. "I had a demo of that." And the idea that these two gentle souls somehow knew? I blinked back tears.
"Now, now. Don't go fretting about anything we know or don't know. I'm just telling you that we got word this evening that the Master is keeping a special eye on you. He knows you're good through and through and he doesn't like seeing decent people pushed around." Harvey popped his suspenders, his face red. "Trust me, there ain't no bullies sitting at the banquet table up where we've been."
"You've got that right, honey bun." Emmie patted Harvey's knee. "Those black-hearted good-for-nothings need to stay down below where they belong." She gave me a sad smile. "So we're gonna try to even things up a bit. Got some special stuff to help you. As long as you're in this back room."
"What kind of special stuff?" I leaned forward. Help. It was almost too good to be true. Sure I had my three guys who would literally face hell for me, but I was afraid it was all good intentions. They'd be turned into stone warriors at the first sign of trouble and I'd be at Lucifer's mercy again. And there are only so many times you can pull the shower gel trick.
"First, you'll love this. I got it from Get Smart. I watched the original show on TV, might even have been in black-and-white. I can't remember. You're old enough, Glory, you might have watched it then too, but youngsters just know that new movie." Harvey winced and glared at Emmie. "You pinched me!"
"Quit carrying on and get to the point." Emmie smiled at me. "He has endless cable up in Heaven, every channel they put on. His own remote and a top-of-the-line La-Z-Boy. It's a wonder he stirred himself to come help you."
"Now who's off the point?" Harvey poked Emmie with an elbow. "I'll always stir myself for our Glory. Now, as I was saying, that show had what they called a 'Cone of Silence' and that's what the Big Guy upstairs has given us here." He chuckled. "I just love technology."
"Huh. To you technology is the icemaker in the door of the Frigidaire." Emmie huffed.
"Anyway . . ." Harvey ignored his wife who was muttering. "When you're in here, Glory, those demons and suchlike can't hear you. You can make your plans, figure out your moves, and they won't be able to hear a thing. This back room is your Cone of Silence."
"Seriously?" I jumped up. "That's amazing! And just what I need for later tonight."
"And if them demons try to get in here?" Emmie pulled a bottle out of her apron pocket. Tonight she wore a blue print shirtwaist, circa 1950, with a frilly white eyelet apron. "We've got this."
"What is it?" I saw a clear liquid sloshing in the bottle.
"It's water from a lake up there." Emmie grinned. "It's beyond holy. It's sacred. Burns like acid on a demon's skin. Even Lucifer would squawk like a scorched chicken if this hit him."
"Hot diggity dog. I hope those bad boys do make a run at us." Harvey popped his suspenders again. "I'd like to make'em squeal. Chase 'em straight back to hell, I will."
"I can't believe this." I really wanted to hug them, but they were just too tiny. "You mean someone up there thinks I deserve all this?" I sank down on the chair again. "Sometimes I'm really not so sure."
"Now, now, don't you be downing yourself, little gal." Harvey fluttered over to sit on my shoulder. Emmie landed on my other one. "You take our word for it. You've been around an awful long time and your good deeds have piled up pretty durn high."
"That's right, Glory. You surely do deserve our help. Now suck it up and fight off these critters. Win the night!" Emmie flew back to the table. Harvey joined her.
"Are you allowed to tell me any more about Heaven? Is it all cable TV and easy chairs?" I could tell by looking at them how happy they were. They glowed with it.
"La, no! I sure don't sit around all the livelong day watching no box." Emmie laughed. "Honey, Heaven is what you want it to be." Her eyes glittered. "Up there I've got the children I never could have, the grandbabies I always wanted. It's, it's wonderful. Glorious."
"Yep. And my old dog, Traveler, is there at my feet when I feel like watching sports. Or we go out to a real game. Sometimes I play quarterback like I always wanted to, in the NFL." Harvey laughed. "Lot tougher than it looks on TV."
"You two are together. Obviously. What if, what if you love more than one person in your life?" I twisted my fingers in my lap.
"Like three, honey?" Emmie smiled. "I'm here to tell you, it's common as all get-out in Heaven. Think of all the widows who lost number one. Some in a war, some with heart trouble or whatever. Then they fell in love again, maybe even a third time if they outlasted number two." She sighed and looked at Harvey. "My guy never moved on, but he could have. I wouldn't have minded."
"Just never got struck by Cupid's arrow again, honey bunch, and that's a fact. Though the Widow March gave me a run for my money." Harvey winked at me.
"Oh, you!" Emmie patted his knee. "Anyway, these women who loved more than one man just spend time with each of them as they feel the urge. There's no jealousy there. The men don't bump into each other and they stay busy doing whatever they dreamed of on earth. Maybe lying back in front of a TV like Harvey, though the golf course gets a lot of play."
"Yeah, never did cotton to that game." Harvey leaned against Emmie. "Glad I don't have to share you, though, hon."
"As far as you know." This time Emmie winked at me. "Anyway, the ladies see who they want as long as they want, then move on. As I said, Heaven is how you want it to be." She grabbed Harvey's hand and squeezed it. "Calm down. You know you're my one and only." She kissed his flushed cheek.
"Sounds perfect." I sighed.
"There you go." Harvey cleared his throat. "But no need for you to rush to get there. You got a good many years left on this earth. I got that on good authority." He flew close and brushed my cheek with his wings. It felt like a gentle tickle.
"Hush, now, Harvey. We got rules, you know." Emmie sounded hoarse, like maybe she was choking back tears.
"Can I ask you one more question?" I was pretty choked up myself.
"Not sure we can answer it, but shoot." Emmie smiled as Harvey kept flying in circles. "Ignore him, he just loves those wings."
"Why did you come back so tiny?" I reached out my hand and Emmie flew into it. I knew if I closed my fist, I'd crush her. Of course I couldn't imagine doing such a thing.
"Simple, Glory. Just provin' a point. Size don't really matter in the long run. It's how you live and what's inside that counts." Emmie took off then, fluttering past my cheek like Harvey had.
"Just keep fightin', Glory, and let your good heart guide you." Harvey flew a circle around the room. "Rules. Bet those demons don't abide by no rules."
"Bet they do. Now let's go patrol the shop. Head out, Harvey." Emmie buzzed close to my ear. "Our money's on you, Glory. Have faith." Then they both disappeared through the closed door.
I sagged back in my chair. Heaven or hell? No contest. And I sure wanted to meet everyone I knew and loved there someday. So the challenge ahead meant everything to me. This Cone of Silence thing was fantastic and I was putting it to work immediately as I heard a knock on the back door and recognized the reek of Simon Destiny.
I hurried to open it and let him in. Simon stood there for a moment and sniffed the air, then just stared at me. Simon pulled out a handkerchief. It went with the black suit he wore, old-fashioned but clearly custom-tailored and very expensive. Savile Row, if I knew my menswear, and I did. His white shirt had the same look and his tie was a school tie, the kind English gentlemen wore to proclaim their status. That was a laugh. As if Simon had any status outside his ghoulish boys' club of vampires.
"You're alone." He seemed surprised.
"So are you." I wasn't surprised. Simon wouldn't doubt he could take me in a fight. I was no match for an Energy Vampire, never had been. "Come in."
He stepped inside and nodded when I gestured that he could take the chair. He sat, then waited for me to plop down on the table. I really needed to haul in another chair.
"You mentioned a way for me to get to know my son. He gave me an ultimatum. I assume he told you about it." Simon didn't smile and obviously wasn't going to waste time with small talk.
"Yes. Freddy would like to get to know you. Apparently it's a son-father thing. But can't get past the whole EV hoopla. Guess you know what I'm talking about." I sighed. I couldn't do this sitting on a table swinging my legs. I jumped down and began to pace. "You serve one of hell's goddesses. She scares Fred. Scares anyone with good sense. And of course you use that fear to your advantage, Simon."
"Of course." He nodded, looking thoughtful. "I've had centuries to think about this. But I am tied to Honoria. You don't just tender a resignation. She expects a lifetime of service."
"Is there any way to, um, destroy her?" I held my breath. This was the big gamble. If Simon didn't trust me to do this and not take him out too, it was all over. "I'm asking you because I've got an alternative for you. Lucifer has sent a couple of demons here to bug me. They've threatened Rafe Valdez and the only way I can get them off his back is to deliver a major soul or dozen to Luc's team."
"Hell's politics. I get an earful of that every time I visit my goddess." Simon made a face. "So?"
"So if you will agree to transfer your allegiance to Luc's team and take your followers with you, Rafe will be off the hook."
"You know I don't give a damn about your dog." Simon examined his nails.
"But you do about your son. I'm just showing you why I have an interest in helping you get rid of your goddess. Tell me how to take her out and I'll do it. Rafe and Blade are in it with me. We will blow her to bits or whatever it takes to free you if you will sign on with Lucifer. You know you're hell-bound anyway, and Freddy won't mind getting involved with you once Honoria is out of the picture. It's the EV thing he objects to."
"How do you know that?" Simon looked up, his eyes gleaming. I knew he was reading my mind and he saw that I was uncertain.
"Guess you could make that part of your terms with Lucifer. And you're clever enough to play the game, act like you've come to your senses and want to start over. Play the good guy." I rolled my eyes. "Why am I bothering to tell you anything? Manipulate. It's your stock-in-trade." The fact that my good friend Freddy would be on the receiving end of that gave me chills. No. I'd warn him. He was smart enough to figure things out himself. And I was smart enough to stop thinking about this because Simon could read my every thought. Argh.
"What makes you think I'd be interested?" Simon lifted his chin. "I have everything I ever wanted. Money, power and the respect being the king of the Energy Vampires brings me."
"Do you have your heart's desire?" I blurted it out.
Simon swallowed. "What do you know about that?"
Wow. For a moment I could just stare. I'd hit a nerve. Go figure. "Lucifer can offer you that. Promise your soul to him and he can deliver anything, anything you've always wanted but might have eluded you." I ran my hands down my body. "He even said he could make me a size six." I laughed. "Stupid, but he did a demo. It works." I grabbed Simon's hand and pulled him into the bathroom. "Look, I have my reflection. As a sign of good faith or to torment me, depending on how you look at it."
Simon stood behind me and examined the evidence. "So I see. Are you telling me you sold your own soul?" Simon's eyes widened. "Bravo. I didn't think you had it in you."
"You're right. I didn't do it. I'm not going to hell. At least not on Lucifer's account. But since you're doomed already, thanks to your work with Honoria, why not play for a new team? Broker a new deal." I pushed past him, already regretting the close quarters of the bathroom. Maybe I was seeing him more as a man, though, because we'd been talking for a while now and he hadn't knocked me down or frozen me. Hey, it had been almost civilized.
"That's impossible, Gloriana. I am never getting away from my goddess. She wouldn't stand for it." Simon stalked to the door. "I'd not live to make any such deal, no matter how much I wanted it."
"What is your heart's desire, Simon?" I was grasping at straws. Thought maybe if I got him to say it, I could somehow work something out, tempt him past logic.
Simon stared at me, obviously thinking about whether he should share something so private with me. "All right. I'll tell you. Not that it will do any good. But I always regretted leaving Cecilia and our child. I wanted . . . a family." His smile was wry. "How plebeian of me. I realize that. But I loved Cecilia. Still do. I doubt that Lucifer could make her love me again. Too much water under that bridge."
I swallowed. My dear friend CiCi with Simon? How was that for a hellish bargain? "I figure with Lucifer, anything's possible. Hammer out a deal. Ask for what you want from him. Or the demons he sends." I let Simon see that I was being honest.
"You're assuming Honoria can be killed." Simon sighed. "Fact is, she's always surrounded by her army of loyal followers. No one gets past us." Simon smiled now. "The Energy Vampires not only feed her, we are sworn to protect her. Killing her?" He shrugged. "Difficult, but not impossible."
I stopped in my tracks. He was actually interested. "Tell me."
"First, you'd have to lull her to sleep. That means depriving her of as much energy as you can. I can take most of my men away from the compound on some pretext, but I always have to leave at least ten there as an energy source. Sleeping, they don't give her much energy. That would make her fairly listless. That would be the best time to approach her."
"Okay, maybe I can find a way to knock them out temporarily." Ian might have something for that. "So then what? She's taking a siesta. I heard she's down underground."
"Yes, you walk down a steep trail into the bowels of the earth. It's not pleasant, like walking into hell until you get into her chamber. You'll have to sneak up on her, try not to wake her and then cut off her heads."
"Heads?" My voice was a squeak. "How many are we talking about?"
Simon managed a smile. "Three, Gloriana. Three of the ugliest visages you'd never hope to see. As you can imagine, I would gladly take what Lucifer's offering to get away from an afterlife of sex with that creature. Kill her and you'll not only give me my son, you'll free me from that." He stood. "I'll owe you. And I don't say that lightly."
"Wow." I closed my gaping mouth. "We've got to do this soon, Simon. Give me a night to work this out." I glanced at my watch. It wasn't even ten o'clock yet. I'd have to call Jerry and Rafe. Of course they were champing at the bit, not happy that I'd insisted on this meeting without them.
"Tomorrow night I'd planned to take a large contingent of men to a meeting in Houston. If you could do it then, you would have only a small force to deal with. I could put something in their blood supply to slow them down but I don't dare drug them and knock them out completely. It would be too suspicious. Honoria would know if all her energy suddenly disappeared. She can cause quite a disturbance if that happens." Simon ran his hand over his thinning hair.
I swallowed. Tomorrow night. So soon. But we'd waited long enough. I wanted the demons gone. And couldn't risk Lucifer showing up again either.
"Fine." I held out my hand, something I rarely did to Simon. "You promise to sign with Lucifer once this is done?"
"I give you my word." Simon looked me directly in the eyes and took my hand. "You've made it sound like the thing to do."
I felt the shock of his power and suddenly knew the truth of that promise. "All right then."
"I will know when it is done. Many of my powers will be gone." Simon released my hand. "Fortunately, Lucifer can restore them. So you can relax and know I will follow through on this thing to save your Valdez." He stalked to the door and threw it open. "Good luck, Gloriana. You'll need it. And, Gloriana."
"Yes?" I braced myself. Something in his eyes told me the worst was yet to come.
"If she wakes up, don't be fooled by her. She has many tricks. The men with you . . ." Simon shook his head. "They will be dazzled. She doesn't always look like the monster she really is. That is one of her powers. Be on guard." He stared into my eyes for a moment, then quietly closed the door.
"Damn." I leaned against the door and pressed my hand against my heart, which was pounding pretty hard for an undead vampire. Had I lost my mind making a deal with Simon Destiny? Some of my friends would be shocked if they found out. Shocked? They'd haul me off to the vampire equivalent of a funny farm. Not a cool place. Think coffins in basements with keepers who carried stakes in holsters.
I heard a commotion at the door into the shop and ran to open it.
"There you are." Caryon pushed past me into the back room. "I'm getting the strangest vibe tonight. And no sense of where you were. We don't like to lose touch. Progress report."
I decided the less said about my plans the better. Good thing since Spyte was right behind him.
"I told you she had to be here." Spyte swatted at the air around his head. "What is that?" He shoved Cary into the room, slamming the door behind him.
"Hah! Now we can get to work! They've been trying to steal souls in your shop, Glory. Propositioned some of your best customers." Harvey buzzed past Cary, dousing him with his special water, a heavy stream that was way more than his tiny bottle could logically have held. Heavenly magic, of course.
"Son of a - " Cary stared in horror at his gray suit, which now had steaming holes in it. "Ow! Shit! It's seeping through to my skin! What the hell is that?"
"Our secret weapon, lowlife loser. And there's more where that came from." Emmie threw the contents of her bottle in Spyte's face. "Take that, you sugary-smelling sack of horse manure. You've been tormenting her friends. No more of that, you hear me?"
"My eyes! You burned my eyes!" Spyte clapped his hands over them and screeched, bumping into the table and knocking over my chair.
"You tried to get souls here? That is beyond creepy." I moved my chair so it wouldn't be broken.
"They propositioned that sweet clerk of yours. Almost had her too. Had to throw three purses and a blouse to get him to stop." Emmie grabbed Spyte's hair and pulled him toward the door.
"Bastards!" I pressed myself against the wall and tried to stay out of the way. I loved that the demons were getting what they deserved. "Get them out of here, gang!"
"You got it, Glory. Out! Shoo!" Harvey somehow managed to toss the extra rolls of paper towels and toilet paper from my storage closet at Cary. More angel magic. "Leave our Glory and all her people alone!"
"Angels? You've got angels on your side now?" Cary dodged a can of air freshener. "Gag me. You must be disgustingly good." He picked at the hole in his suit and tears came to his eyes. "Premium Italian silk. Ruined."
"Better listen to him, Cary. He's going for the toilet bowl cleaner. Bet that just kills silk." I didn't bother to hide my smile as I threw open the back door. "This way's faster. Scram. Don't ever come in my shop again."
"Lead me out of here, Cary. I'm blind!" Spyte tripped over a roll of toilet paper and now trailed a streamer on one foot.
"We're going. But, listen to this, Glory. You think this is funny? Well, let's see if you're laughing when we haul your buddy Rafael's ass down to hell with us." Cary swatted Spyte's flailing hand away. "'Cause that's the way this is going to be if you don't pony up soon. Clock's ticking. Forty-eight hours and he's gone." He kicked paper towels out of his way. "Oh, not smiling now, are you?"
"Leave Rafe alone!" I got in front of Cary. Maybe I was crazy, but I knew Harvey and Emmie had my back.
"Not possible." Cary smirked. "You? You're off our radar now." He glared at Emmie, who'd landed on my shoulder again. "We wouldn't have you polluting hell on a bet. But that half-demon Rafe? He'll be toast, and I do mean toast, scorched and blackened, if we don't get damned important souls from you in two days' time." Cary screeched as Emmie sprayed him again with her water. Guess instant refills were part of the package.
"Cary! Please! I have to wash out my eyes!" Spyte managed to grab his hand and tugged at it.
"Shut up!" Cary dragged Spyte toward the back door. "You'll be sorry for this, Glory St. Clair."
"Bastard." I stepped out of the way, reached into the storage closet and grabbed the first thing I could find. I glanced at Harvey, who nodded, then just let it fly. A can of Drano hit Cary's back, burst open and sprayed him with white crystals. Caryon paused for a moment, his body trembling with rage.
Spyte whimpered. "What's that smell? I need air. Cary? Are we outside yet?"
"Shut. Up." The two demons vanished.
"We won. I think." Emmie Lou buzzed around, clucking at the paper rolls and the crystals littering the floor.
"Did we?" I picked up the chair and collapsed in it. Cary's taunts left me feeling sick. I leaned back and shut my eyes, not surprised when my stomach decided to growl and make a statement of its own. I put my hand over that damned new bulge and tried not to think about how I was going to trek down to the bowels of hell and face off with a three-headed monster. And, trust me, if Simon thought she was hideous, she was hurt-your-eyes ugly. Time for a miracle. But I had a feeling the two angels buzzing around overhead were all the miracle I was going to get.