Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six
Chapter Sixteen

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Glory?" Penny asked me for the fifth time. She still thought I'd just suffered a fall in the bathtub.
"Yes, I'm fine. Healing sleep does it every time." I wished that healing had done a job on my soul; it still felt violated. But the fact that I'd sent Lucifer away short of reaching his goal had to count for something. At least that was the positive self-talk I was using to try to get through this night.
"That's amazing. So if I broke a leg or got shot, I'd heal overnight?" Penny settled on the couch.
"Yes, as long as you'd fed well. It can take a couple of nights if you're severely hurt, but that's part of the miracle of immortality. The healing thing. You saw some of that with Ray, though his alcoholism slowed the process." I smiled. "Now I'll ask you for the umpteenth time. Do you need another bottle of synthetic? Are you okay to be around mortals?" I had finished my second bottle and was eyeing the vial Ian had given me. Was it worth the risk? I'd wait and see if Penny's mom's food looked tempting enough. I'd never forget the side effects from Ian's diet drug. Of course Ian had sworn I was the only vampire to ever experience those. Surely I wouldn't be that unlucky twice.
"I'm good to go. Jenny will be here any minute." Penny inhaled. "Can't believe you got rid of the rat smell. The lavender is a nice touch. And then there's my room. Spotless!"
"Thank Rafe and Jerry. They worked like maniacs. It became a contest, apparently. To see who could do the most, get things the cleanest." I laughed. "Everything between those two ends up a competition but at least no blows were exchanged. I'd like to see them go head-to-head over getting my sheets white enough."
"Yeah, but how did that hole get in the wall?" Penny lifted the picture of Ray, which I had to admit was in an odd spot. "A blow that missed?"
"No, Rafe heard something upsetting and hit the wall. Since the guy he was mad at wasn't in the room. He'll get it fixed." I adjusted the picture. "Hey, Ray looks good anywhere. You can throw his name into the conversation. Tell how it was with him here for a while. Make Jenny jealous again."
Penny grinned. "Can't say I'd hate that." Her nose twitched. "Mortal at the door. And I think I recognize my sister. I'm getting better at this sniffing thing."
"Good for you." I sat on the sofa and settled my skirt around me. I'd dressed carefully, successful businesswoman but hip and trendy in my print skirt and purple sweater. My shoes were expensive, my bridesmaid's gift from Flo. I'd picked the whole outfit just so I could wear them.
I still hadn't gotten into my bathtub again. Not sure when I'd be able to. It was sponge baths for me until I was sure Lucifer was permanently back in hell where he belonged. I'd probably have to go to Jerry's to wash my hair, but that was okay; he'd be happy to have me.
"Come in. You remember Glory." Penny showed Jenny into the living room.
"Sure. Cute place. Too bad you had to bring that monster computer, Pen. Where are we supposed to eat?" Jenny dropped her purse on the coffee table.
"We can eat on the table where you just dumped your purse or we have some TV trays." Penny frowned. "Lighten up, Jen. You know I need my computer."
"Sure, sorry." Jenny smiled at me. "Hi, Glory. Nice place, really. It's great that you took Penny in." She said this like maybe Penny had been a street person.
"Penny's a cool roommate. We have a lot of fun." I smiled back. "Show her your room, Penny." I reached for my copy of InStyle. "Nice shoes. Last year?"
"Oh, yes." She noticed mine when I crossed my legs but didn't comment. Hah. I knew jealousy when I saw it. "Come on, Pen. Let's see how bad you've trashed your crib."
Penny headed down the hall. "Not trashed at all. Who has time to mess up when I'm so busy dating?"
I heard Jenny snort. Interesting. She had to know Penny wasn't lying. So what was that about? I just stayed on the couch and flipped through my magazine, perfectly able to hear their conversation.
"You've had quite a run lately. What about your research?" Way to bring Penny down, Jenny.
"Oh, luckily I'd turned in the important part of my grant work before the break-in. Now I'm thinking of going in a new direction since the ongoing experiments were trashed. No use crying over what can't be fixed. I talked to the department chair. I'm not using animals for research again." Penny's voice was muffled. "What do you think of this blouse? Glory found it for me. She's a genius bargain hunter."
"Cute and on sale. Of course they wouldn't have anything in my size in that store." Oh, could Jenny poke the knife any deeper?
"Quit being a bitch, Jen. What's got you so bummed?" I heard the mattress squeak, Penny sitting on her bed. "Tell me all about it."
"Okay, smarty-pants. Here it is." Jenny sighed. "My grades are gonna suck this time. If I don't ace my finals, I may not be able to do the cheerleading next year." Big sniffs from Jenny. "They have grade-point standards. So does the sorority. And I was supposed to be in charge of rush next fall." More sniffles.
"I'm sorry. What happened? This isn't like you." Penny must have pulled out tissues because I heard Jenny blow her nose.
"Some of this is your fault. We usually met in the mornings. You checked my homework, finished a few problems for me. It's our thing. What happened to that?" Jenny's voice was hitting high C. "Huh?"
"Mornings don't work for me now. And was that all our meets were for? To get some free answers?" Penny's voice wobbled.
"Chill, Pen. I admit I got caught up in the college thing. Having fun. Partying. Not anything you'd understand." Seems the bitch was back. "Damn it. I wish we looked more alike. You could go in there and ace those tests. But . . ." A long pause. "Maybe if you could tutor me? Just this week? The math and science. Stuff you could do in your sleep."
Nice. Treat your sister like dirt, then ask for a favor. If Penny said yes, I was going to shake her till her new fangs rattled.
"Sorry. No can do." Yes! I wanted to hug Penny and see Jenny's face.
"But, Pen . . ." Bet Jen was getting ready to try some serious tears. Or a guilt trip. Penny must have seen it coming.
"Don't even. I'm starting a new job, might even get to go to California. I was going to tell the family tonight after dinner. It's a chance to do cutting-edge research in a new field." Penny kept going, throwing out technical words that I'm sure Jenny understood about as well as I did. "Bottom line: I'm not missing this opportunity. Certainly not because you spent more time having fun than hitting the books."
"Thanks for nothing. As usual, it's all about you. The big brain. Doing something important. Forget me. I'll just stay here and fall into the abyss." The way Jenny's voice cracked on that last word was pure drama.
"You want to talk about an abyss?" Penny's voice rose and I jumped up. Oh, she was not going there. "Let me show you an abyss."
Jenny shrieked. "What the hell is that?"
I got to Penny's door in time to see my fledgling giving her sister the full-fang treatment. I shook my head but Penny ignored me.
"It's my fangs, sister dear. I'm a vampire, a bloodsucker. I'll never see daylight again thanks to Josh and his Ugly Chick caper."
"No, I don't believe you. Get rid of them. You're creeping me out with your stupid Halloween teeth." Jenny backed up and bumped into me. "Glory, what's the matter with my sister?"
"Penny, quit playing games now. Can't you see how upset Jenny is?" I gave Penny a stern look.
"Yeah? Funny thing. Since I can read her mind, I'm not so sad that she's 'upset.' " Penny marched closer, until she was nose to nose with Jenny. "Why do you hate me? I'm the fat sister, the one who never got to be cheerleader. Who went to her senior prom with cousin Ollie, who spent the whole time in the men's room smoking weed. Weed he bought with the money Daddy paid him to take me there."
"Boo hoo. You went to that prom at twelve. Didn't even have boobs yet. You made me look like the village idiot since I could only do what normal kids could do." Jenny put a hand in the middle of Penny's chest and shoved. It didn't do any good. Penny had vamp strength and didn't budge. "Lose the pointy teeth, pinhead. Hate to tell you, but they don't make you look any thinner."
I kept my mouth shut. I had a feeling this showdown was long overdue. And if Jenny didn't believe Penny about the vampire thing, we were still okay here. Of course Mom and Dad could arrive any minute. Not cool if they landed in the middle of a catfight. Or had this happened before? Penny glanced at me.
"No, Glory, we've never had this out. And, yes, I peeked under your bangs for that thought. Sorry." She didn't look sorry. "Okay, Jen, so I'm smart. I never rubbed your nose in it. Even helped you whenever you asked for those free answers. But did you help me? Not on your life. Glory here has acted more like a sister in the week I've known her than you have in nineteen years."
"How was I supposed to help you? All you did was sit on your lumpy ass in front of a computer all the time. You never wanted to do anything I liked. Play sports and games like a normal person. Or even look like a normal person. Hell, your brain is totally warped." Jenny turned and flounced out of the room. She stopped next to the coffee table and picked up my magazine. "Look at this. I showed you my copy once and all you said was something about the number of trees per subscriber per year it took to support such a frivolous waste of paper."
I narrowed my gaze on Penny. "You didn't!"
"Maybe. Who remembers? I told you I don't pay attention to details. Not when I'm thinking."
"You were always thinking, but not about your family. Just about weird stuff." Jenny threw the magazine at Penny. "I said lose the stupid fangs!"
Penny shut her mouth. "Okay, I will." She looked at me. "Not a good time. I smell pot roast."
"Mom and Dad?" Jenny picked up her purse and pulled out her compact. She began to dab powder on her shiny nose. "They hate for us to fight."
"We never fight." Penny sighed and picked up the magazine, laying it carefully on the coffee table.
"Because they'd hate it. We're supposed to be the perfect family. The beauty and the brain. Gag me." Jenny glanced at me. "Sorry, Glory. Please try to forget all that. I guess stress is getting to me. I usually have things more under control." She sniffed. "You sure you smelled pot roast? I don't smell a thing."
I smiled. "Oh, I do too." I walked to the door. "And it smells delicious." There was a knock on the door. "Penny, you must have given your parents the code for downstairs."
"Yes, I did. Was that a bad idea?" She glanced significantly at Jenny. "I gave it to Jen too. But no keys to anyone."
"That's fine then. I'm sorry, but I have my reasons for the tight security, Jenny. Women living alone. I'm sure you get it. Can't have keys just floating around." I shrugged, pasted on a smile, then opened the door. An attractive middle-aged couple stood there. The woman held a casserole in her hands, the man was weighed down with two sacks. The smells coming from their packages made my mouth water. I was definitely trying Ian's potion.
Penny and Jenny ran forward to help their parents, make introductions and carry in the meal. Neither of them let on that they'd just had a fight and we were soon setting out the food in the kitchen. I'd had a challenge figuring out how to make my space there mortal friendly. Penny had explained that her own kitchen was usually almost empty. So we'd hidden the synthetics in a cabinet, put Rafe's snacks front and center and figured that would have to do. Of course Mrs. Patterson, who insisted I call her Melissa, exclaimed at the sight of all the junk food.
"Penny, you told me you and Glory were on a special diet. What kind of diet calls for Twinkies, Cheetos" - she opened the refrigerator - "and beer?"
"Uh, I'm over twenty-one, Melissa." I pointed to the bottles of designer water I'd brought up from the shop. "Those are Penny's. And we've been trying to resist the snack food. Seriously."
Jenny snorted. I was seeing that as a really unattractive habit of hers. "Yeah, I just bet you have." She looked Penny up and down.
"We eat out a lot, Mom. Or call for delivery. There's a great place that brings us healthful salads." Penny pulled out a bottle of water and handed it to her dad. "Come check out my computer setup. Glory's been cool, letting me take over her dining area."
Mark followed her while I lifted the lid on the pot roast. It was still warm and swimming in brown gravy, with carrots, onions and potatoes nestled alongside it. I'd already slipped into my bedroom and taken the potion and my stomach rumbled.
"Someone's hungry." Melissa laughed. "It won't be long. I'm going to just pop some rolls in the oven." She pulled out a bag of frozen rolls and set them on a cookie sheet she'd brought with her. "Why look at this oven. I don't think it's ever been used."
"No, uh, well. I really don't cook."
"Where'd the hole in the wall come from?" Jenny came into the kitchen carrying my picture of Ray. "It was behind Israel Caine's picture. Mom, look. Autographed. I told you Glory dates him."
Melissa smiled at me. "Wow. He's so hot."
"Mom!" Jenny and Penny, who'd followed her in from the dining room, for once were in sync.
"I may be married, but I can still appreciate a good-looking man. And talent. I love his music." Melissa licked her lips. "Glory, I'd like to hear about Israel after dinner. I dragged Mark to that concert at Zilker Park where he fell off the stage." She grabbed my arm. "How is he? Can he still sing?"
"He's fine, Mom. Glory brought him back here to recover." Penny squeaked when her mother grabbed her arm next. "Wow, get a grip. Just not on me."
"He stayed here. With you?"
"Don't like the sound of that." Mark walked in behind Penny. "And where did that hole in the wall come from?"
"It's the twenty-first century, Mark. Of course Israel can stay here if Glory wants him here." Melissa was gazing at Ray's picture.
"I put the hole there, Dad. One of my spaced-out moments. I wouldn't let one of the movers touch my computer tower and backed into the wall. The corner knocked a chunk out of the wall." Penny sighed. "Not paying attention again."
"Don't worry about it, Penny. I told you, I have a friend who will fix it. No big deal." I sniffed the air. "Those rolls smell delicious."
"And they should be ready. Let's eat." Melissa started handing out plates. "Help yourself, girls. I don't want to hear about a diet tonight. I know you never get a home-cooked meal."
I heard Jenny mutter something that sounded like "Thank goodness." I gave Penny an inquiring look.
"Mom, the rolls!" Penny bent over and opened the oven. Sure enough, they were a little on the well-done side, the bottoms charred. "I think you should have checked the temperature setting."
Jenny just rolled her eyes.
"Never mind, honey. We'll just eat the tops." Mark began to dish up generous portions for everyone except Jenny, who got a plate of macaroni and cheese. "Roast looks good. Jenny, you should rethink this vegetarian thing. It makes extra work for your mother."
"Just opened a box and followed directions. No trouble at all." Melissa put a spoonful on my plate too. "Try some, Glory."
"Everything looks great." I took my plate to the living room and sat on the floor. My hand shook as I lifted my fork. I waited until everyone was served, then carefully put a bite of roast in my mouth. I saw Penny watching me. I knew she was remembering her drink of soda at the movies. Not fun.
I savored the taste of rich gravy, then carefully chewed and chewed and chewed. Okay, I knew it had been hundreds of years since I'd had roast beef, but surely it should eventually get smaller, not larger in my mouth. I fought my fangs, trying not to notice the mortals surrounding me. The parents were on the sofa, squeezed in with Jenny. And Penny sat in the chair, her plate on her lap.
I finally gave in, hesitated, then swallowed the enormous bite. When it stayed down, I looked at Penny and smiled. Only then did she attack her potatoes. I noticed that she cut her beef into tiny pieces. Okay, obviously that was the secret here. Because this was the toughest piece of meat ever. The carrots were strangely crunchy too. The first one flew off my plate and I heard Jenny snicker.
"Glory, don't worry about it. I'm sorry, I always forget to put the carrots in early." Melissa shook her head. "I'm not much of a cook."
Mark was busy chewing but patted her back. No one else bothered to contradict her.
"No, please. I can honestly say this is the best meal I've had in years." I smiled and calmly picked up my carrot from the floor. I realized Boogie had taken up a position under the coffee table and I offered it to him. He wasn't interested.
"Try the green beans. From a can, but I added a few things to make them interesting." Melissa smiled.
"They're good, Mom. Is that, uh, sugar in there?" Penny forked up a big serving.
"Yes, it was a new recipe from one of those newsstand magazines." Melissa took a taste. "Yummy. But more like dessert, I guess. Of course you always were my dessert girl."
"You can say that again." Jenny pushed her food around on her plate and actually ate very little. "Penny may be going to California. Big new job."
"What?" Mark and Melissa stared at Penny like she'd just proposed taking the space shuttle to Mars.
"Thanks, Jenny. Yes, I have a wonderful opportunity. I've got a chance to work on cutting-edge research with a scientist who has a lab outside of Los Angeles. Glory arranged an introduction."
Now eyes were on me and I was the snake in the Garden of Eden. "Uh, Ian MacDonald does great things. And he has a fabulous setup, right on the Pacific Ocean in Malibu."
"Are you kidding me?" Jenny was totally envying.
Melissa's eyes narrowed. "You realize that area is just one earthquake away from sliding into the ocean, don't you?"
"And there are forest fires, not to mention mud slides." Mark leaned forward. "Have you researched this guy's background? What kind of money are we talking here? You have any idea how expensive it is to live in California?"
"Daddy, Mom, calm down." Penny got up and took her plate to the kitchen. "Chocolate cake, Glory?"
"Are you kidding me? I'd kill for chocolate cake." I smiled. "Not literally you understand." Blank stares from the family.
"Don't worry. She buys this from a local German bakery. Delicious," Penny whispered as she got busy cutting big slices.
"None for me, Penny. I've got to leave soon and hit the books." Jenny came to stand in the kitchen doorway and made sure to put a sad note in there.
"I'm going to pay for you to get a tutor." Penny sighed. "It'll be our secret."
"Seriously?" Jenny grinned and hugged her sister. "I knew you wouldn't let me down. Now I'll go talk up California. You should hear Mom and Daddy whispering about it. You'd think you were going straight to hell." She giggled and gave Penny the once-over. "As if you'd get so lucky."
I turned to Penny as soon as Jenny disappeared. Penny held up her hand.
"Don't say it. She's my twin. And I usually do help her."
"Not saying a word." I took a plate with a huge slice of cake and picked up a fork. "You do whatever you want. Me? I'd let her sink like a rock. But then I'm not related to her." I took a bite and felt the bliss of rich chocolate hit my mouth and tongue. "Oh, God, but that's good."
"Better than." Penny handed me another plate. "Now please help me with the folks. If I get the chance, I'm going to California. Tell them great things about Ian. Make stuff up if you have to."
"Not necessary. He's brilliant and I know this could be a fantastic opportunity for you. It's an easy sell." I carried a plate to Melissa and started in with a glowing recommendation of Ian. I described his advanced degrees and first-class setup. Of course I left out that he charged megabucks for whatever he invented so only rich vampires benefited. Hooking up my fledgling with Ian felt right.
What didn't feel right was my tummy. I felt a gurgle first and looked around, hoping no one had noticed. Not a chance, they were too busy shouting about how Penny should stay at the University of Texas.
"Actually Ian is thinking of opening a lab here in Austin. That's why he was visiting Ray, Israel Caine. They're friends and Ray had told him about our cheap land here, compared to L.A. anyway. Ian's other interest is real estate and he knows a good deal when he sees it. I think there's a good chance Penny could stay here in Austin and never go to California at all." I barely got this out before my stomach rumbled again. I rattled my fork against my empty plate to try to cover the noise.
Not necessary. Penny jumped in with another reason why she was done with the grant program here and the shouting started again. I tuned out. I'd finished my second piece of chocolate cake but that last bite had pushed me past full to miserable. Now, when I looked down, I noticed a bulge under my skirt. Swollen stomach? Wait a minute. This wasn't a tiny bulge. It was like everything I'd just eaten had decided to stage a sit-in. Like back in the hippie era.
I glanced around, glad Penny was the one in the hot seat, then pulled down my sweater. The stupid thing slid right back up again. That did it. I had to get out of here. But, when I struggled to my feet, I heard a pop.
"Glory, I think you just lost a button." Jenny giggled. "Was that off your skirt?" She rolled her eyes. "Careful, Penny. If you two eat like this all the time, you'll soon be giving the blimp a run for its money."
"Jennifer Louise!" Melissa gave Jenny a stern look. "Pay no attention to her, Glory. I just love to see someone appreciate food."
"Oh, I appreciated it all right." I heard my stomach rumble again. "Excuse me." I headed to the bathroom, where I shut the door and sat on the lid of the closed toilet. What was going on? My stomach was growing, and the noises! I heard a knock on the door.
"Glory? You all right?" It was Penny.
"Get in here." I unlocked the door and dragged her inside. "How are you feeling? Did you take Ian's potion?"
"Of course I did. I ate, didn't I?" She stared at my stomach. "It's moving. I need to get my notebook. Damn, I wish I had a stethoscope. I can hear the strange sounds from here." She leaned down like she wanted to press her ear to my stomach. "Gurgles and - whoa! - I think it's calling for help."
"Not funny." I popped her on the arm. "I'm making a run to my room. Can you make my excuses to your folks? Keep your fangs out of sight?"
"Sure, that's no problem." She pressed her hands to her own stomach, which had no unusual bulges. "And my tummy is quiet. Nothing going on there." She stretched out her hand. "Seriously. Are you in pain? Maybe I should get Ian over here."
I felt a lightning bolt shoot through my midriff. Power of suggestion?
"Oh, ow! Thanks a heap. Didn't hurt till you mentioned it. I'll call Ray, he can send Ian over. Just get rid of your parents. Please?" I burped what sounded like the mating call of a lonely foghorn, then clapped my hand over my mouth.
"Another symptom. I ate as much as you did. I wonder why nothing's hit me." Penny's eyes gleamed and I had a feeling she was going straight for her notebook when she left me. "Go lie down. It's not unusual for people to have digestive issues the first time they eat Mom's food. Maybe it's nothing to do with Ian's stuff." She grinned, then clapped her hand over her mouth.
"You couldn't have warned me?" I managed to gasp. "We could have saved that potion for steak at a fabulous restaurant, you know." I moaned when another pain hit.
"You're right. But, if I get this job, you can have more of the formula, all you want." Penny wasn't smiling now. "I know I should have admitted that Mom's not the greatest cook in the world. That's why I told her we were on a diet. Tried to keep her from bringing dinner in the first place, nothing to do with the vampire thing at all. Honestly, it would have been easier chewing a rubber band than that pot roast." She patted my shoulder. "But the cake was stellar, you have to admit that."
"Oh, yes. Two pieces of heaven." I gasped as agony ripped through me. "You sure you're okay?"
Penny frowned, checking herself, then shook her head. "Not an ache, not a twinge. Ian's formula worked perfectly on me."
"Great, just great." I kept my head on my knees, nausea now an extra added attraction.
"Try to relax, Glory. I'll get rid of Mom, Dad and Jenny. No worries." Penny patted my back, then closed the bathroom door.
No worries? I breathed through the nausea, held on to the wall to stand, and made a run for my bedroom. There I eased my door shut before I collapsed on the bed. I fumbled for my purse on the floor and pulled out my cell phone, barely managing to hit Ray's number before my stomach rumbled again and made me double over. I shoved my purse away and grabbed my trash can, just in case. Thank God, I didn't throw up but it was close.
I listened to the phone ring with my eyes closed. This had to be way more than a simple case of gluttony that a Tums could cure.