No more hoping, no more dreaming, only harsh reality. It was a time for action. I had to get my plan going, and it had to be soon.
Time was not on our side—it was running out.
CHAPTER 24
Lila
I stared at my reflection in the mirror, at the dark circles that needed more makeup every day. Insomnia had taken control again, and sleep eluded me. I took comfort in my husband’s arms, but I couldn’t shut my brain off.
What were we going to do? Over a week had passed since we had the pregnancy mishap, and things were only getting worse.
Life was hard for everyone, but it was incredibly atrocious to others. Nathan and I qualified as others. I knew with every cell in my body he was my soul mate. I also knew that fate was a cruel mistress.
“Honeybear, you almost ready?” Nathan called from the bedroom.
“Almost.” I closed up the concealer and brushed on some powder.
My hand trembled, and I clenched it into a tight fist, trying to stop it. I had to keep calm, had to show calm, no matter how badly I was breaking on the inside. Nathan needed me to be strong, and I would be his pillar.
“Ready.” I smiled at him and held out my hand to take his.
I didn’t want to die.
I was happy for the first time in my life. Was it too much to ask to grow old with Nathan?
The tremors got worse with each passing day, and soon I wouldn’t be able to rein them in. He would see the fear I fought so hard to keep from him. The show left me more exhausted every day.
My eyes flitted over to the remnants of what was our home office as I walked toward the door. He destroyed it, obliterated it, telling me the end was near.
He pulled me close and kissed my forehead as we rode down to the ground floor. “I have to go to the Hamilton County courthouse today, so I won’t be able to go to lunch.” His voice was tight.
“Okay.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, soaking him in.
We headed out to the parking lot and got in the car. He eyed me and pursed his lips.
“What?”
“Can you order lunch in today?”
I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him everything was okay.
But I couldn’t.
“Sure. Caroline and I can take over your office.” I elbowed his arm and smiled.
Why couldn’t we be left alone? Ever since we’d met, wave after wave of hurdles crashed in front of us and we cleared them all, together. The one in front of us now loomed over, casting a shadow and making it almost impossible to attain freedom.
Eggshells. We were walking around avoiding everything in a strange dance, all out of fear. Part of me wanted them to kill us and get it over with, to end the anxiety that ruled our lives. The other part begged for another day, hour, minute—I never wanted to leave him.
Instead, I squashed both feelings and aimed for calm obliviousness. My act fooled him because he was so trapped in his own anxiety.
When we arrived at the office, I pasted on a smile and wrapped my arms around his arm. “What should we do this weekend?”
Rule one—keep smiling and upbeat. Rule two—always talk about the future, no matter how close.
He swallowed. “I was thinking we could go for a drive. Maybe get away.”
“That would be fun.” I smiled, trying not to let on I knew the double meaning in his words.
The kiss as we separated for our own offices held an edge as they all did of late—passion—like it would be the last.
“I’ll see you later, Honeybear. Love you.”
“Love you.” I gave him another soft kiss before he turned and headed down the hall.
When I sat at my desk, I leaned forward and covered my face, trying to gather myself. I pulled my phone out and opened up the email app—something I couldn’t do with Nathan around.
“Shit.” Another one popped up, sent at three that morning—surveillance shots with a time stamp. It was from the same address the other three had come from, each with a photo of Nathan and me coming and going. They’d been coming in for weeks. Marconi’s guys knew our schedule.
I marked it as unread and closed out of the app—I didn’t want Nathan to know I was reading his email. He kept me in the dark for my safety, but I wasn’t going to stay there. He was my husband, my life, and I wasn’t going to let them surprise me—surprise us.
“Morning!” Owen’s smile helped to calm me, his happiness infectious.
“Good morning.”
He set his bag down and took off his jacket—it was unseasonably cool.
“Brrr.” He shook off the cold. “It’s a hot coffee kind of morning. Want some?”
I smiled up at him. “That would be great. Thanks.”
“No problem, partner.”
The moment he was out the door, I picked up the burner phone Noah bought a month ago and dialed the number I’d called every day for the past few months—Noah’s own burner phone. I peered out the door, keeping a lookout for anyone coming.
“Hello?”
“How’s it looking?”
There was a pause, then a sigh on the other end—a very bad sign. Usually he had little to report, and it was mostly the changing of guard. A prickling sensation moved across my skin.
“Lila, it’s time to consider leaving.”
My heart stopped, my body going cold. “What’s happening?”
“I don’t know, but it’s not good.”
I swept a hand over my face, unable to keep the façade up, shaking like I was going to come undone.
“Did you get another gun yet?”
I nodded, not that he could see. “It’s in my purse.”
“Does he know?”
“No.” My voice broke.
“Are you going to tell him?”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Not right now.”
“You need to, because if you don’t, I will.” The low tone in his voice told me how serious he was.
Everything was spiraling out of control.
I popped another pill, hoping it would calm me before I broke out into a full-blown panic attack. My hand gripped the edge of the sink harder, trying to suppress everything.
Dr. Morgenson didn’t like the state either of us was in, or upping both our dosages so we could make it through the day. It was an unfortunate necessity. Even he knew therapy wasn’t going to help us, and the drugs would help get us through the days ahead…however many there were left.
Time was not on our side—it was running out.
CHAPTER 24
Lila
I stared at my reflection in the mirror, at the dark circles that needed more makeup every day. Insomnia had taken control again, and sleep eluded me. I took comfort in my husband’s arms, but I couldn’t shut my brain off.
What were we going to do? Over a week had passed since we had the pregnancy mishap, and things were only getting worse.
Life was hard for everyone, but it was incredibly atrocious to others. Nathan and I qualified as others. I knew with every cell in my body he was my soul mate. I also knew that fate was a cruel mistress.
“Honeybear, you almost ready?” Nathan called from the bedroom.
“Almost.” I closed up the concealer and brushed on some powder.
My hand trembled, and I clenched it into a tight fist, trying to stop it. I had to keep calm, had to show calm, no matter how badly I was breaking on the inside. Nathan needed me to be strong, and I would be his pillar.
“Ready.” I smiled at him and held out my hand to take his.
I didn’t want to die.
I was happy for the first time in my life. Was it too much to ask to grow old with Nathan?
The tremors got worse with each passing day, and soon I wouldn’t be able to rein them in. He would see the fear I fought so hard to keep from him. The show left me more exhausted every day.
My eyes flitted over to the remnants of what was our home office as I walked toward the door. He destroyed it, obliterated it, telling me the end was near.
He pulled me close and kissed my forehead as we rode down to the ground floor. “I have to go to the Hamilton County courthouse today, so I won’t be able to go to lunch.” His voice was tight.
“Okay.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, soaking him in.
We headed out to the parking lot and got in the car. He eyed me and pursed his lips.
“What?”
“Can you order lunch in today?”
I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him everything was okay.
But I couldn’t.
“Sure. Caroline and I can take over your office.” I elbowed his arm and smiled.
Why couldn’t we be left alone? Ever since we’d met, wave after wave of hurdles crashed in front of us and we cleared them all, together. The one in front of us now loomed over, casting a shadow and making it almost impossible to attain freedom.
Eggshells. We were walking around avoiding everything in a strange dance, all out of fear. Part of me wanted them to kill us and get it over with, to end the anxiety that ruled our lives. The other part begged for another day, hour, minute—I never wanted to leave him.
Instead, I squashed both feelings and aimed for calm obliviousness. My act fooled him because he was so trapped in his own anxiety.
When we arrived at the office, I pasted on a smile and wrapped my arms around his arm. “What should we do this weekend?”
Rule one—keep smiling and upbeat. Rule two—always talk about the future, no matter how close.
He swallowed. “I was thinking we could go for a drive. Maybe get away.”
“That would be fun.” I smiled, trying not to let on I knew the double meaning in his words.
The kiss as we separated for our own offices held an edge as they all did of late—passion—like it would be the last.
“I’ll see you later, Honeybear. Love you.”
“Love you.” I gave him another soft kiss before he turned and headed down the hall.
When I sat at my desk, I leaned forward and covered my face, trying to gather myself. I pulled my phone out and opened up the email app—something I couldn’t do with Nathan around.
“Shit.” Another one popped up, sent at three that morning—surveillance shots with a time stamp. It was from the same address the other three had come from, each with a photo of Nathan and me coming and going. They’d been coming in for weeks. Marconi’s guys knew our schedule.
I marked it as unread and closed out of the app—I didn’t want Nathan to know I was reading his email. He kept me in the dark for my safety, but I wasn’t going to stay there. He was my husband, my life, and I wasn’t going to let them surprise me—surprise us.
“Morning!” Owen’s smile helped to calm me, his happiness infectious.
“Good morning.”
He set his bag down and took off his jacket—it was unseasonably cool.
“Brrr.” He shook off the cold. “It’s a hot coffee kind of morning. Want some?”
I smiled up at him. “That would be great. Thanks.”
“No problem, partner.”
The moment he was out the door, I picked up the burner phone Noah bought a month ago and dialed the number I’d called every day for the past few months—Noah’s own burner phone. I peered out the door, keeping a lookout for anyone coming.
“Hello?”
“How’s it looking?”
There was a pause, then a sigh on the other end—a very bad sign. Usually he had little to report, and it was mostly the changing of guard. A prickling sensation moved across my skin.
“Lila, it’s time to consider leaving.”
My heart stopped, my body going cold. “What’s happening?”
“I don’t know, but it’s not good.”
I swept a hand over my face, unable to keep the façade up, shaking like I was going to come undone.
“Did you get another gun yet?”
I nodded, not that he could see. “It’s in my purse.”
“Does he know?”
“No.” My voice broke.
“Are you going to tell him?”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Not right now.”
“You need to, because if you don’t, I will.” The low tone in his voice told me how serious he was.
Everything was spiraling out of control.
I popped another pill, hoping it would calm me before I broke out into a full-blown panic attack. My hand gripped the edge of the sink harder, trying to suppress everything.
Dr. Morgenson didn’t like the state either of us was in, or upping both our dosages so we could make it through the day. It was an unfortunate necessity. Even he knew therapy wasn’t going to help us, and the drugs would help get us through the days ahead…however many there were left.
