I rubbed a hand over my face at the memories of how happy she was, how excited she was for the little blessing to join our family. “She spent most of the pregnancy on bed rest but it was touch and go the entire time.” I remembered being scared because she seemed so weak, but the truth was I hadn’t been scared enough.
Dixie’s eyes were twice their normal size and she had a shaking hand covering her mouth. She could see where my story was going and even though I wanted it to have a different kind of ending, it didn’t.
“She went into labor early. It was obvious something was wrong as soon as it started. There was way too much blood and even though she didn’t want me to worry I could see how much pain she was in. I called an ambulance and Jules met us at the hospital but it was too late.” So much blood. I remembered the way it covered everything. I remembered the way I could literally see the light blink out of my mom’s eyes as she told me she loved me. She told me to be a good boy for Jules and to help him take care of my little brother. She would be so disappointed to know I hadn’t done either of those things. “The placenta detached and she bled out. They barely managed to save my little brother’s life. He was in the NICU for almost two months and when he got out Jules found himself stuck as a single dad with two kids that he never necessarily wanted and definitely wasn’t prepared for.”
Dixie gasped and didn’t bother to wipe away the single tear that escaped her eye. She looked as injured as I felt on the inside. Even after all these years the memories sliced to the bone and left jagged tears across my soul. “You have a little brother?” Her voice was rough and I could tell she was holding even more emotion back since we were in public.
I nodded jerkily and rubbed my face again. “Dalen. He’s in high school, plays football, gets good grades, and Jules couldn’t be prouder of him if he tried.” The kid had worshipped every move I made when I was around when we were younger but I hadn’t heard from him in over two years. I couldn’t say I blamed him.
“You haven’t seen him since he was five?” The way she asked it made me feel about as low as I could, but I deserved it. I had a little brother that was well on his way to becoming a man and I hadn’t been around for any of it.
“I haven’t seen either of them since they dropped me off at Camp Shelby for basic training.” And that was something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I was waiting for the questions about why I left and why I stayed gone but they never came. That was Dixie, always giving the benefit of the doubt.
She pushed her half-eaten burger away and folded her hands on the top of the table in front of her. “So your dad and your brother are there, but who is the other woman you mentioned? Caroline?”
I grunted and felt memories and pain slide icily down my spine. Talking about my mom was hard, talking about Caroline was harder because I was older and totally knew the way I acted while she was still alive wasn’t okay. I missed my mom but cherished every minute I’d had with her. I missed Caroline as well but all I could think about when it came to her was regret. “Caroline was one of Dalen’s NICU nurses. She took care of him while he was in the hospital. She watched out for him while Jules and I buried my mom.”
I heard her gasp but I couldn’t look up at her.
“Jules spent a lot of time with Caroline while Dalen was getting healthy enough to come home. Like I said, neither one of us really knew what to do with a newborn, and Caroline stepped in to teach us the basics.” I kept my gaze on my plate. “It took a year or so. Dalen had just started to walk when Jules realized that he was feeling more than gratitude towards her. He asked her out on a date and I think she’d been in love with him from the first minute she saw him hold that baby, so of course she said yes. They got married a couple of years later when Dalen was a toddler. She was a good woman and she loved us hard. She was sick when she was younger, so she couldn’t have kids of her own, but she always said it didn’t matter because she had us. She was a good mom to Dalen, and I loved her because she never tried to replace my mom while she loved me. I was super lucky to have been raised by two special women.” I loved her but by the time I realized it, it was too late. I spent more time resenting her and keeping her at an arm’s length because I was scared to care about someone so deeply after losing my mom. I’d also been bitter that Jules had moved on even though he had every right to find happiness. It felt like betrayal until Caroline left me no choice but to love her. Again there were too many wasted minutes and moments I wanted back.
Dixie’s tiny hand covered mine where they were clutched together on the tabletop, my knuckles white as I squeezed them together. “You don’t have to tell me the rest if you don’t want to, Church.” She wanted a happy ending and I couldn’t be the guy to give that to her because I’d never experienced one myself.
“I had just turned sixteen when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the second time I saw Jules cry. She’d been in remission for years and years but as soon as she became a part of my family, as soon as I let myself love her she got sick again.” I bit out a tortured laugh and threw my head back so I was looking at the ceiling. “She fought. She fought harder than I’ve ever seen anyone fight for anything, and I’ve seen war up close and personal. She didn’t want to leave us, but it was no use. I watched her lose her hair when she started chemo. I watched her get skinnier and skinner as she tried to keep taking care of us and the house. She was determined to make it to my high school graduation. She wanted to see me in my cap and gown.”
Dixie’s eyes were twice their normal size and she had a shaking hand covering her mouth. She could see where my story was going and even though I wanted it to have a different kind of ending, it didn’t.
“She went into labor early. It was obvious something was wrong as soon as it started. There was way too much blood and even though she didn’t want me to worry I could see how much pain she was in. I called an ambulance and Jules met us at the hospital but it was too late.” So much blood. I remembered the way it covered everything. I remembered the way I could literally see the light blink out of my mom’s eyes as she told me she loved me. She told me to be a good boy for Jules and to help him take care of my little brother. She would be so disappointed to know I hadn’t done either of those things. “The placenta detached and she bled out. They barely managed to save my little brother’s life. He was in the NICU for almost two months and when he got out Jules found himself stuck as a single dad with two kids that he never necessarily wanted and definitely wasn’t prepared for.”
Dixie gasped and didn’t bother to wipe away the single tear that escaped her eye. She looked as injured as I felt on the inside. Even after all these years the memories sliced to the bone and left jagged tears across my soul. “You have a little brother?” Her voice was rough and I could tell she was holding even more emotion back since we were in public.
I nodded jerkily and rubbed my face again. “Dalen. He’s in high school, plays football, gets good grades, and Jules couldn’t be prouder of him if he tried.” The kid had worshipped every move I made when I was around when we were younger but I hadn’t heard from him in over two years. I couldn’t say I blamed him.
“You haven’t seen him since he was five?” The way she asked it made me feel about as low as I could, but I deserved it. I had a little brother that was well on his way to becoming a man and I hadn’t been around for any of it.
“I haven’t seen either of them since they dropped me off at Camp Shelby for basic training.” And that was something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I was waiting for the questions about why I left and why I stayed gone but they never came. That was Dixie, always giving the benefit of the doubt.
She pushed her half-eaten burger away and folded her hands on the top of the table in front of her. “So your dad and your brother are there, but who is the other woman you mentioned? Caroline?”
I grunted and felt memories and pain slide icily down my spine. Talking about my mom was hard, talking about Caroline was harder because I was older and totally knew the way I acted while she was still alive wasn’t okay. I missed my mom but cherished every minute I’d had with her. I missed Caroline as well but all I could think about when it came to her was regret. “Caroline was one of Dalen’s NICU nurses. She took care of him while he was in the hospital. She watched out for him while Jules and I buried my mom.”
I heard her gasp but I couldn’t look up at her.
“Jules spent a lot of time with Caroline while Dalen was getting healthy enough to come home. Like I said, neither one of us really knew what to do with a newborn, and Caroline stepped in to teach us the basics.” I kept my gaze on my plate. “It took a year or so. Dalen had just started to walk when Jules realized that he was feeling more than gratitude towards her. He asked her out on a date and I think she’d been in love with him from the first minute she saw him hold that baby, so of course she said yes. They got married a couple of years later when Dalen was a toddler. She was a good woman and she loved us hard. She was sick when she was younger, so she couldn’t have kids of her own, but she always said it didn’t matter because she had us. She was a good mom to Dalen, and I loved her because she never tried to replace my mom while she loved me. I was super lucky to have been raised by two special women.” I loved her but by the time I realized it, it was too late. I spent more time resenting her and keeping her at an arm’s length because I was scared to care about someone so deeply after losing my mom. I’d also been bitter that Jules had moved on even though he had every right to find happiness. It felt like betrayal until Caroline left me no choice but to love her. Again there were too many wasted minutes and moments I wanted back.
Dixie’s tiny hand covered mine where they were clutched together on the tabletop, my knuckles white as I squeezed them together. “You don’t have to tell me the rest if you don’t want to, Church.” She wanted a happy ending and I couldn’t be the guy to give that to her because I’d never experienced one myself.
“I had just turned sixteen when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the second time I saw Jules cry. She’d been in remission for years and years but as soon as she became a part of my family, as soon as I let myself love her she got sick again.” I bit out a tortured laugh and threw my head back so I was looking at the ceiling. “She fought. She fought harder than I’ve ever seen anyone fight for anything, and I’ve seen war up close and personal. She didn’t want to leave us, but it was no use. I watched her lose her hair when she started chemo. I watched her get skinnier and skinner as she tried to keep taking care of us and the house. She was determined to make it to my high school graduation. She wanted to see me in my cap and gown.”
