Dixie’s hand tightened over mine and I wasn’t sure if she was trying to comfort me or herself.
“Did she make it?” Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her.
I shook my head and cleared my throat as emotion threatened to choke me. She hadn’t made it because when good came into my life it left before I could fully appreciate it.
“No, she didn’t. Neither did I. I enlisted and was at boot camp the day after we put her in the ground. I didn’t stick around for graduation.” I didn’t stick around for Jules or Dalen either because they still had a shot at something good and I didn’t want to be around to taint it.
She let go of my hands and leaned back in the booth. Eyes wide and her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. “Wow. Is that all?” She sounded bewildered and a little baffled, not that I could blame her. It was a lot and none of it was particularly pleasant.
“Not quite. There’s Elma Mae.” If there was one thing in the world that actually made me smile it was Elma Mae. I couldn’t stop my lips from twitching when I thought of the feisty older woman who had lived across the street from me for as long as I could remember.
“She lived down the street from me and Mom when I was growing up and when my grandparents didn’t want anything to do with us she made sure to fill in for them. She took care of me after school when Mom worked. She helped Mom and Jules out with whatever they needed and she was there when Dalen was a newborn and Jules was in way over his head. She always had homemade cookies and cold sweet tea ready and waiting. She is the epitome of what a proper southern lady should be and she taught me more about family and forgiveness than anything or anyone else has.”
Her head cocked to the side and she considered me thoughtfully. “Why couldn’t you tell them the truth, Church? Why couldn’t you just say you weren’t ready to come home yet? Surely they would understand.” It was a reasonable question but my reasons for not doing exactly that were anything but.
“I never told them when I was promoted into Spec Ops. I always let them think that I was still in infantry or that I was doing guard duty. When I went in I was an MP for the first few years, so I let everyone back home keep right on thinking that I was still doing nothing more than watching the gates at the base and regulating unruly soldiers. I didn’t want them to worry. Everyone had suffered enough loss and I didn’t want anyone to lose any sleep wondering where I was and what I was doing. So no one back home knows how desperately I really needed the downtime. They have no clue that I came back a different man than they remember.” I carried a lot of heavy shit around inside of me and there was no way the people that loved me were going to miss the way I was weighed down. I blinked at Dixie realizing in the twenty minutes or so we had been talking that I had given her more, shared more with her than I had with anyone since I left home. Not even Rome knew the reason I kept communication to a minimum back home was for them and not for me.
She made a face at me. “You should be honest with them. They’ll understand.”
They would, but the way I left, the way I shut myself off from them and the grieving and healing we should be doing together, that was going to be harder for them to forgive and understand. “Are you ready to go? I want to get on the road pretty early in the morning and I know you aren’t exactly the type that likes to rise and shine.” There was also only so much of my heart and soul that I was willing to show her at one time. Turned out I had a lot to say when I was talking to someone that looked at me the way she did.
I hated feeling this exposed and raw. I knew the sun could burn when you let it shine on your unprotected skin for too long. That’s what it felt like after giving Dixie so much and having her still look at me like I was something special.
She nodded and made like she was going to reach for her wallet but I waved her off and tossed a couple of bills on the table, sure to leave a tip that would make the waitress having to stay late sting a little less. I slid out of the booth but almost fell back into it when Dixie suddenly launched herself at me.
I wasn’t used to being hugged. It wasn’t something that happened when you kept everyone at an arm’s length and made sure that a scowl was your default expression. Her arms circled my waist and her cheek rested right over my heart as she squeezed me tight. I curled an arm around her shoulders and let the fingers of my free hand twist and twine in the endless curls that cascaded down her back. They felt like silk as they wrapped around my knuckles and tickled my palm.
“What’s this for?” I wasn’t surprised that she was a hugger but I was surprised that she was hugging me for no apparent reason. That wasn’t the type of relationship we had, at least it hadn’t been before she gave me that kiss that I could still taste and feel.
“It’s for the little boy that lost both his moms and for the man that hasn’t seen his family in a decade. No one should go through the things you’ve been through without a hug, Church. Everyone needs one every now and then, even big, badass former soldiers.”
I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged me. It might have been Jules and Elma Mae when they dropped me off for basic, because I sure as hell wasn’t into hugging the women I took to bed or the men I’d been deep in the trenches with.
I hugged her back but it was awkward and stiff. I wanted my arms around her for something other than comfort.
We broke apart and headed for the doorway. The waitress gave a wave from where she was standing behind the counter.
“Did she make it?” Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her.
I shook my head and cleared my throat as emotion threatened to choke me. She hadn’t made it because when good came into my life it left before I could fully appreciate it.
“No, she didn’t. Neither did I. I enlisted and was at boot camp the day after we put her in the ground. I didn’t stick around for graduation.” I didn’t stick around for Jules or Dalen either because they still had a shot at something good and I didn’t want to be around to taint it.
She let go of my hands and leaned back in the booth. Eyes wide and her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. “Wow. Is that all?” She sounded bewildered and a little baffled, not that I could blame her. It was a lot and none of it was particularly pleasant.
“Not quite. There’s Elma Mae.” If there was one thing in the world that actually made me smile it was Elma Mae. I couldn’t stop my lips from twitching when I thought of the feisty older woman who had lived across the street from me for as long as I could remember.
“She lived down the street from me and Mom when I was growing up and when my grandparents didn’t want anything to do with us she made sure to fill in for them. She took care of me after school when Mom worked. She helped Mom and Jules out with whatever they needed and she was there when Dalen was a newborn and Jules was in way over his head. She always had homemade cookies and cold sweet tea ready and waiting. She is the epitome of what a proper southern lady should be and she taught me more about family and forgiveness than anything or anyone else has.”
Her head cocked to the side and she considered me thoughtfully. “Why couldn’t you tell them the truth, Church? Why couldn’t you just say you weren’t ready to come home yet? Surely they would understand.” It was a reasonable question but my reasons for not doing exactly that were anything but.
“I never told them when I was promoted into Spec Ops. I always let them think that I was still in infantry or that I was doing guard duty. When I went in I was an MP for the first few years, so I let everyone back home keep right on thinking that I was still doing nothing more than watching the gates at the base and regulating unruly soldiers. I didn’t want them to worry. Everyone had suffered enough loss and I didn’t want anyone to lose any sleep wondering where I was and what I was doing. So no one back home knows how desperately I really needed the downtime. They have no clue that I came back a different man than they remember.” I carried a lot of heavy shit around inside of me and there was no way the people that loved me were going to miss the way I was weighed down. I blinked at Dixie realizing in the twenty minutes or so we had been talking that I had given her more, shared more with her than I had with anyone since I left home. Not even Rome knew the reason I kept communication to a minimum back home was for them and not for me.
She made a face at me. “You should be honest with them. They’ll understand.”
They would, but the way I left, the way I shut myself off from them and the grieving and healing we should be doing together, that was going to be harder for them to forgive and understand. “Are you ready to go? I want to get on the road pretty early in the morning and I know you aren’t exactly the type that likes to rise and shine.” There was also only so much of my heart and soul that I was willing to show her at one time. Turned out I had a lot to say when I was talking to someone that looked at me the way she did.
I hated feeling this exposed and raw. I knew the sun could burn when you let it shine on your unprotected skin for too long. That’s what it felt like after giving Dixie so much and having her still look at me like I was something special.
She nodded and made like she was going to reach for her wallet but I waved her off and tossed a couple of bills on the table, sure to leave a tip that would make the waitress having to stay late sting a little less. I slid out of the booth but almost fell back into it when Dixie suddenly launched herself at me.
I wasn’t used to being hugged. It wasn’t something that happened when you kept everyone at an arm’s length and made sure that a scowl was your default expression. Her arms circled my waist and her cheek rested right over my heart as she squeezed me tight. I curled an arm around her shoulders and let the fingers of my free hand twist and twine in the endless curls that cascaded down her back. They felt like silk as they wrapped around my knuckles and tickled my palm.
“What’s this for?” I wasn’t surprised that she was a hugger but I was surprised that she was hugging me for no apparent reason. That wasn’t the type of relationship we had, at least it hadn’t been before she gave me that kiss that I could still taste and feel.
“It’s for the little boy that lost both his moms and for the man that hasn’t seen his family in a decade. No one should go through the things you’ve been through without a hug, Church. Everyone needs one every now and then, even big, badass former soldiers.”
I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged me. It might have been Jules and Elma Mae when they dropped me off for basic, because I sure as hell wasn’t into hugging the women I took to bed or the men I’d been deep in the trenches with.
I hugged her back but it was awkward and stiff. I wanted my arms around her for something other than comfort.
We broke apart and headed for the doorway. The waitress gave a wave from where she was standing behind the counter.
