Luckily when I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home, Jules was just pulling in as well. That meant I could put the conversation Dixie was chomping at the bit to have on the back burner for a little while longer. She liked me too much to strip me bare and drag me over the coals in front of a man I obviously respected and admired. My relationship with Jules was complicated at best, and I knew the spunky redhead well enough to know that there was no way she would want any part of driving the wedge any further between me and the man in the sheriff’s uniform that greeted us with an easy smile and a warm, fatherly glint in his dark eyes.
“How was Elma?” Jules offered Dixie a hand as she clamored off the back of the bike. When she grinned up at the man her smile was so easy, so bright I was surprised Jules wasn’t temporarily blinded by it. I knew that when she looked at me like that I felt like I couldn’t see anything but the sunshine that glowed out of her too-big heart.
Dixie took her helmet off and shook out her hair. I wanted to comb my fingers through her rowdy curls and bury my face in them. They always smelled like fresh air and sunbeams. They felt like warm silk and luxurious satin. She was like the perfect day if the perfect day was a human being.
“She looked good to me, but she did not hide the fact that she thinks it’s my fault Church didn’t come home as soon as his discharge papers were signed. She was not a fan of this particular Yankee.”
Jules threw his head back and let out a laugh that made his entire body shake. “The old bird did not call you a Yankee.”
Dixie laughed. “She didn’t, but I was waiting for her to.”
Jules laughed again and reached out for the backpack that she had been hauling around with her for the last few days. I growled a little under my breath. It was such a simple gesture, a basic act of chivalry, and I hadn’t thought to do that for her the entire time we had been together. I’d been home for less than a day and already I was being reminded of the ways I wasn’t ever going to live up to the example Julian had set for me.
“Did you tell her your name is Dixie? That might have softened her up a little bit. You can’t be a Yankee when you’re named after the south.”
Dixie smiled up at him and shook her head, which sent her curls bouncing. “We didn’t get that far. She gave Church the what for and told him that she would throw herself down the stairs a hundred more times if that’s what it took to finally get him home. She was equal parts impressive and terrifying.”
Jules nodded in agreement and paused at the front door. It was like stepping back in time. I remembered the first time we walked across that doorstep as a family. I also remembered the first time Jules and I walked over it grieving my mother, both of us at a loss as to what we should do with a newborn. I remembered him bringing Caroline over for the first time and refusing to come out of my room to say hello to her. I remembered her tripping and stumbling, sick from chemo and still trying to reassure me that she would be all right. All the memories raced around, the good colliding with the bad. The happy getting shredded by the sorrow that was so much sharper.
“She’s protective of both my boys. She never wanted Dash to leave, none of us did. She’s going to be greedy and possessive now that he’s back. She’ll warm up. Just give it some time.” Jules talked like Dixie was going to be around forever. She cast a look over her shoulder at me and I silently wished that was the case. Forever and her right in the center of it weren’t the worst things that could happen to me even if I was pretty sure I was the worst thing that could happen to her.
“Dixie has a life and a job back in Denver she has to get back to, Jules. She agreed to ride down with me so we could extend our good-bye, but she isn’t staying.” I was surprised that the thought of letting her go of my own free will hurt almost as much as letting go of a loved one when I had no choice in the matter.
Jules gave me a hard look as he unlocked the door and pushed it open. He shifted his attention back to Dixie and his expression softened because it was impossible to be anything but soft with her, well, impossible for everyone but me, but luckily she seemed to like it when I was hard. “Well, if that’s the case I suggest you make the most of the time you do have while you’re here together. Let Elma fawn all over Dash. Help her out, but don’t make her feel like she’s an invalid, and make sure she gets her tea in the afternoon. Take a minute to make sure her garden is watered and her flowers are tended and you’ll have a fast friend. She knows how to Skype now so don’t be surprised if she wants to keep in touch after you head back to the mountains.”
“I’ll keep all of that in mind. Thanks for the tips.”
Jules said something else but it was drowned out by the rush of blood into my head and the whoosh of it in my ears as I was engulfed in memories and history when I finally stepped into the house.
The neighborhood and the surrounding city might have changed but the home where I had grown up hadn’t. Sure, there was a new couch and a massive flat screen in the living area but the pictures on the walls that showed a happy family and then another happy family were all the same. There were no signs of either of those families being ripped apart and tattered. There were smiling faces and joy. No signs of everything that had been lost and buried. Jules was focused on what he’d had, not on what he’d lost.
There were new additions as well. Pictures of me in my football uniform and pictures of Dalen in his. Even with me being gone and communication between the two of us sparse and stilted it was obvious Jules wanted reminders of both his children front and center in his home. That knowledge hit me like a punch right in the center of my chest. It hit me so hard that I had to put a hand on the wall to brace myself as I stumbled over my feet. All this time I thought he would be disappointed in the way I left, in the way I abandoned him and Dalen to deal with the same grief we shared on their own. Those pictures made it seem like he was as proud of me now as he was when I stood by his side both times he married the women he loved.
“How was Elma?” Jules offered Dixie a hand as she clamored off the back of the bike. When she grinned up at the man her smile was so easy, so bright I was surprised Jules wasn’t temporarily blinded by it. I knew that when she looked at me like that I felt like I couldn’t see anything but the sunshine that glowed out of her too-big heart.
Dixie took her helmet off and shook out her hair. I wanted to comb my fingers through her rowdy curls and bury my face in them. They always smelled like fresh air and sunbeams. They felt like warm silk and luxurious satin. She was like the perfect day if the perfect day was a human being.
“She looked good to me, but she did not hide the fact that she thinks it’s my fault Church didn’t come home as soon as his discharge papers were signed. She was not a fan of this particular Yankee.”
Jules threw his head back and let out a laugh that made his entire body shake. “The old bird did not call you a Yankee.”
Dixie laughed. “She didn’t, but I was waiting for her to.”
Jules laughed again and reached out for the backpack that she had been hauling around with her for the last few days. I growled a little under my breath. It was such a simple gesture, a basic act of chivalry, and I hadn’t thought to do that for her the entire time we had been together. I’d been home for less than a day and already I was being reminded of the ways I wasn’t ever going to live up to the example Julian had set for me.
“Did you tell her your name is Dixie? That might have softened her up a little bit. You can’t be a Yankee when you’re named after the south.”
Dixie smiled up at him and shook her head, which sent her curls bouncing. “We didn’t get that far. She gave Church the what for and told him that she would throw herself down the stairs a hundred more times if that’s what it took to finally get him home. She was equal parts impressive and terrifying.”
Jules nodded in agreement and paused at the front door. It was like stepping back in time. I remembered the first time we walked across that doorstep as a family. I also remembered the first time Jules and I walked over it grieving my mother, both of us at a loss as to what we should do with a newborn. I remembered him bringing Caroline over for the first time and refusing to come out of my room to say hello to her. I remembered her tripping and stumbling, sick from chemo and still trying to reassure me that she would be all right. All the memories raced around, the good colliding with the bad. The happy getting shredded by the sorrow that was so much sharper.
“She’s protective of both my boys. She never wanted Dash to leave, none of us did. She’s going to be greedy and possessive now that he’s back. She’ll warm up. Just give it some time.” Jules talked like Dixie was going to be around forever. She cast a look over her shoulder at me and I silently wished that was the case. Forever and her right in the center of it weren’t the worst things that could happen to me even if I was pretty sure I was the worst thing that could happen to her.
“Dixie has a life and a job back in Denver she has to get back to, Jules. She agreed to ride down with me so we could extend our good-bye, but she isn’t staying.” I was surprised that the thought of letting her go of my own free will hurt almost as much as letting go of a loved one when I had no choice in the matter.
Jules gave me a hard look as he unlocked the door and pushed it open. He shifted his attention back to Dixie and his expression softened because it was impossible to be anything but soft with her, well, impossible for everyone but me, but luckily she seemed to like it when I was hard. “Well, if that’s the case I suggest you make the most of the time you do have while you’re here together. Let Elma fawn all over Dash. Help her out, but don’t make her feel like she’s an invalid, and make sure she gets her tea in the afternoon. Take a minute to make sure her garden is watered and her flowers are tended and you’ll have a fast friend. She knows how to Skype now so don’t be surprised if she wants to keep in touch after you head back to the mountains.”
“I’ll keep all of that in mind. Thanks for the tips.”
Jules said something else but it was drowned out by the rush of blood into my head and the whoosh of it in my ears as I was engulfed in memories and history when I finally stepped into the house.
The neighborhood and the surrounding city might have changed but the home where I had grown up hadn’t. Sure, there was a new couch and a massive flat screen in the living area but the pictures on the walls that showed a happy family and then another happy family were all the same. There were no signs of either of those families being ripped apart and tattered. There were smiling faces and joy. No signs of everything that had been lost and buried. Jules was focused on what he’d had, not on what he’d lost.
There were new additions as well. Pictures of me in my football uniform and pictures of Dalen in his. Even with me being gone and communication between the two of us sparse and stilted it was obvious Jules wanted reminders of both his children front and center in his home. That knowledge hit me like a punch right in the center of my chest. It hit me so hard that I had to put a hand on the wall to brace myself as I stumbled over my feet. All this time I thought he would be disappointed in the way I left, in the way I abandoned him and Dalen to deal with the same grief we shared on their own. Those pictures made it seem like he was as proud of me now as he was when I stood by his side both times he married the women he loved.
