I called Roni and let her know Kallie was in labor even though the two of them had recently split. They’d done their best to make a real relationship work, but it turned out that while Roni wanted Kallie, she didn’t want everything that Kallie came with. She wasn’t ready to be a mom, wasn’t ready to have not only Wheeler but me as well in her life. She claimed it was all too complicated, too messy. They stayed friends and Roni assured me she would stop by to see the baby when she had a minute.
Kallie was heartbroken when Roni pulled the plug and had reacted in a way that scared everyone. She shut down, quit eating right, quit going to her birthing classes, and started skipping doctor’s appointments. Wheeler tried to talk to her, tried to reason with her, but she was despondent. She didn’t want to hear anything. All she wanted to do was wallow in pain and feel sorry for herself. She told Wheeler that she finally understood what it was like to have the love of your life stomp all over your heart.
Watching the way her behavior was stressing Wheeler out, I finally decided to intervene. Kallie wouldn’t listen to anyone that was close to her but I had a feeling she would listen to someone that knew firsthand what could happen if she didn’t get her act together. We met for coffee one morning and I told her what it was like to lose a child. I told her how I felt like I had a hole in my heart that would never be filled, that every time I saw her protruding belly, jealousy ate at me, sharp and pointed. I told her how I still grieved every single day and that I still woke up in the middle of the night crying for that lost life. I explained that it was a hurt that never healed, that eventually it just turned into an ache you learned to live with, and sometimes, like when a baby started crying in a restaurant, or when you went to a baby shower, the ache turned into a burn that felt like it would turn your heart to ash. I softly admonished her for not taking care of herself, for worrying Wheeler, and for putting her baby at risk. I promised her that a heart that had been broken by a lover would heal with time, but one that was ripped out of your chest when something happened to your child was one you could never get back.
My words must have sunk in because she snapped out of her stupor and found her footing. We also went from being uneasy allies to being friends. She didn’t have many, and with Dixie being down in Mississippi setting up house with Church, she needed someone, and for whatever reason that person was me. I was the one she called to go baby shopping with. I was the one she called with updates and questions. I was the one she called when she butted heads with Wheeler over the name. She wanted to hyphenate the last name so that it was Carmichael-Wheeler or Wheeler-Carmichael, Wheeler was adamant that no kid should be saddled with having to write that monster out for their entire school career and they should just use Wheeler. It was an ongoing argument that I frequently heard both sides of, but I’d had to inform Kallie that I was always going to side with Wheeler. It was my job to take his back even though she mattered to me and I cared about her opinion.
It was a weird situation, one that had to look impossible and unbearable from the outside. But to those of us on the inside … we were doing what we could to make it all work and make it all as normal as possible. It was our life, so all we could do was live the best we could. It wasn’t anyone’s idea of a traditional family unit, but it was our family and we would do whatever it took to fight for it and defend it.
I also called my sister, who immediately offered to pull her very pregnant self out of bed and come wait with me since she instinctively knew it would be difficult for me to sit and wait while surrounded by so many reminders of what I had lost. Of course, I told her to stay in bed, that I would be fine, but I wasn’t surprised when not twenty minutes later her man came walking through the door looking bleary-eyed and rumpled. Rowdy collapsed in a seat next to me, took my hand and squeezed it, then silently waited with me, offering steady, unwavering comfort until Wheeler came through the doors marked LABOR AND DELIVERY wild-eyed and still dressed in the green paper gown the nursing staff had given him to wear over his regular clothes. As soon as Wheeler found his way over to my side, Rowdy lumbered to his booted feet, offered a handshake and a heartfelt congratulations, and promptly muttered that he was going back to his pregnant girlfriend and his warm bed.
Wheeler laced his fingers through mine and I could feel the tremor in them. “I’m a dad.” The words whispered out in awe.
I kissed his temple and brushed his ear with my nose. “You are.”
His fingers flexed in mine and he pushed himself up in the chair so that he could turn and look at me. He reached out a finger and pushed some of my hair behind my ear. “Thank you for being here.”
My lips twitched. “Anytime.”
He grinned and those killer dimples did what they always did, made my heart skip a beat and my skin shiver. I hoped against hope his little boy was going to be blessed with those twin dots of adorable. All his kids needed to have them.
“It’s you and me from here on out for everything. We’re all in.” I returned his smile and was leaning forward to give him a kiss when we were interrupted by a throat clearing.
We both turned to look at Kallie’s mom and dad where they were standing behind us. I liked the Carmichaels. They were nice, and as accepting as they could be of the role I was going to play in their grandchild’s life. They treated me with consideration and kindness once Wheeler explained everything that I had been through, and they did their best to include me in family things that involved the baby, like Kallie’s baby shower.
“Kallie asked us to send you back.” Wheeler went to rise to his feet but Kallie’s dad, Russ, shook his head. “No, she wants to see Poppy.”
I blinked in surprise and looked questioningly at Wheeler. He shrugged in confusion and helped me to my feet. “You okay sticking your head in the room?” He was asking because he knew I was still hesitant to be around the baby, that it would hurt watching Kallie hold and cuddle that precious little life.
It would hurt, but it would ultimately be far worse if I didn’t figure out a way to play through the pain. I couldn’t avoid the things that wounded me, couldn’t lock myself away so they wouldn’t touch me. I had to confront them and fight them head-on. I patted Wheeler reassuringly on the chest and gave him a wobbly smile. “I’ll be fine.” I’m sure it seemed off to Kallie’s folks, him asking if I was okay when Kallie was the one that had just been cut open and sewn back together, but he was always taking care of me. It wasn’t something that needed any explanation.
Kallie was heartbroken when Roni pulled the plug and had reacted in a way that scared everyone. She shut down, quit eating right, quit going to her birthing classes, and started skipping doctor’s appointments. Wheeler tried to talk to her, tried to reason with her, but she was despondent. She didn’t want to hear anything. All she wanted to do was wallow in pain and feel sorry for herself. She told Wheeler that she finally understood what it was like to have the love of your life stomp all over your heart.
Watching the way her behavior was stressing Wheeler out, I finally decided to intervene. Kallie wouldn’t listen to anyone that was close to her but I had a feeling she would listen to someone that knew firsthand what could happen if she didn’t get her act together. We met for coffee one morning and I told her what it was like to lose a child. I told her how I felt like I had a hole in my heart that would never be filled, that every time I saw her protruding belly, jealousy ate at me, sharp and pointed. I told her how I still grieved every single day and that I still woke up in the middle of the night crying for that lost life. I explained that it was a hurt that never healed, that eventually it just turned into an ache you learned to live with, and sometimes, like when a baby started crying in a restaurant, or when you went to a baby shower, the ache turned into a burn that felt like it would turn your heart to ash. I softly admonished her for not taking care of herself, for worrying Wheeler, and for putting her baby at risk. I promised her that a heart that had been broken by a lover would heal with time, but one that was ripped out of your chest when something happened to your child was one you could never get back.
My words must have sunk in because she snapped out of her stupor and found her footing. We also went from being uneasy allies to being friends. She didn’t have many, and with Dixie being down in Mississippi setting up house with Church, she needed someone, and for whatever reason that person was me. I was the one she called to go baby shopping with. I was the one she called with updates and questions. I was the one she called when she butted heads with Wheeler over the name. She wanted to hyphenate the last name so that it was Carmichael-Wheeler or Wheeler-Carmichael, Wheeler was adamant that no kid should be saddled with having to write that monster out for their entire school career and they should just use Wheeler. It was an ongoing argument that I frequently heard both sides of, but I’d had to inform Kallie that I was always going to side with Wheeler. It was my job to take his back even though she mattered to me and I cared about her opinion.
It was a weird situation, one that had to look impossible and unbearable from the outside. But to those of us on the inside … we were doing what we could to make it all work and make it all as normal as possible. It was our life, so all we could do was live the best we could. It wasn’t anyone’s idea of a traditional family unit, but it was our family and we would do whatever it took to fight for it and defend it.
I also called my sister, who immediately offered to pull her very pregnant self out of bed and come wait with me since she instinctively knew it would be difficult for me to sit and wait while surrounded by so many reminders of what I had lost. Of course, I told her to stay in bed, that I would be fine, but I wasn’t surprised when not twenty minutes later her man came walking through the door looking bleary-eyed and rumpled. Rowdy collapsed in a seat next to me, took my hand and squeezed it, then silently waited with me, offering steady, unwavering comfort until Wheeler came through the doors marked LABOR AND DELIVERY wild-eyed and still dressed in the green paper gown the nursing staff had given him to wear over his regular clothes. As soon as Wheeler found his way over to my side, Rowdy lumbered to his booted feet, offered a handshake and a heartfelt congratulations, and promptly muttered that he was going back to his pregnant girlfriend and his warm bed.
Wheeler laced his fingers through mine and I could feel the tremor in them. “I’m a dad.” The words whispered out in awe.
I kissed his temple and brushed his ear with my nose. “You are.”
His fingers flexed in mine and he pushed himself up in the chair so that he could turn and look at me. He reached out a finger and pushed some of my hair behind my ear. “Thank you for being here.”
My lips twitched. “Anytime.”
He grinned and those killer dimples did what they always did, made my heart skip a beat and my skin shiver. I hoped against hope his little boy was going to be blessed with those twin dots of adorable. All his kids needed to have them.
“It’s you and me from here on out for everything. We’re all in.” I returned his smile and was leaning forward to give him a kiss when we were interrupted by a throat clearing.
We both turned to look at Kallie’s mom and dad where they were standing behind us. I liked the Carmichaels. They were nice, and as accepting as they could be of the role I was going to play in their grandchild’s life. They treated me with consideration and kindness once Wheeler explained everything that I had been through, and they did their best to include me in family things that involved the baby, like Kallie’s baby shower.
“Kallie asked us to send you back.” Wheeler went to rise to his feet but Kallie’s dad, Russ, shook his head. “No, she wants to see Poppy.”
I blinked in surprise and looked questioningly at Wheeler. He shrugged in confusion and helped me to my feet. “You okay sticking your head in the room?” He was asking because he knew I was still hesitant to be around the baby, that it would hurt watching Kallie hold and cuddle that precious little life.
It would hurt, but it would ultimately be far worse if I didn’t figure out a way to play through the pain. I couldn’t avoid the things that wounded me, couldn’t lock myself away so they wouldn’t touch me. I had to confront them and fight them head-on. I patted Wheeler reassuringly on the chest and gave him a wobbly smile. “I’ll be fine.” I’m sure it seemed off to Kallie’s folks, him asking if I was okay when Kallie was the one that had just been cut open and sewn back together, but he was always taking care of me. It wasn’t something that needed any explanation.
