Shadows in the Silence
Page 76
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Sammael’s face hardened and his golden eyes blazed with fire. “Do you think this is a game, Gabriel?”
I glared at him, grinding my teeth together. “I absolutely do not.”
He seemed to soften then, but it was false and momentary, like dirt turned to mud in the rain. “I can smell your soul. I can smell it like infection in a wound. When I take it, you will be purified.”
“That’s not how it works,” I said, unwilling to move and to show my fear of him. “My soul has given me a sense of self, made me unique from everyone else. Don’t pretend that isn’t what you’ve always wanted.”
He circled me, laughing. “A soul, Gabriel?”
“An identity,” I corrected. “That’s why you turned your back on Heaven. That’s why all of the Fallen did. You were tired of being a mindless drone, a soldier who performed his duties and was never allowed to dream. You want your existence to mean something even now. Being human has given me a chance to really live instead of just survive. It’s not enough just to exist.”
He became quiet, his gaze studying me from head to toe. “Are you admitting your sympathies for the Fallen?”
“Yes,” I said. “In a way. But you turned your longing into hatred, and instead of freedom, you only found bloodshed and misery and imprisonment in Hell. That’s all you’ll ever have. I feel sorry for you.”
He lifted a hand and his long, slender fingers cupped my chin, lifting my face to his. “Do you honestly believe that you’ve found freedom on Earth, that being trapped in this limited mortal body makes you human?”
“Not just freedom,” I said. “I have a chance to live here. Freedom isn’t just about getting to make your own choices. It’s about getting to enjoy the life you’re given, to live life to the fullest. That’s the beauty of mortality, of what makes someone human. Time is treasured. The eternal…all they have is time.”
“What’s beautiful about mortality?” he asked. “You, Gabriel, a mighty archangel, stripped of your true power. A lesser thing. You live, you die, you live, you die. An endless cycle of violence and pain and suffering. There is nothing ultimate about your death, which is mortality at its intrinsic sense. Human souls go to Heaven or to Hell, but your soul—this shriveled thing you cling to so desperately—is shoved right back into your body and you’re forced to do it all over again. You think that you’re free? You’re a slave to this mortal shell.”
I swallowed hard and gritted my teeth. “At least I’m not hollow like you are.”
Sammael stood straight, staring down at me calmly as though he were unaffected. As I considered the shadow of truth in his words, I broke. Just a small crack, but it was enough to let a tear roll down my cheek and pool into the corner of my mouth.
“Why do you hate them so much?” I asked in a tiny voice, my lips trembling.
“They disgust me,” he replied, revulsion rolling on his tongue. “Earthly, living creatures with their feeding, bleeding, lusting. Pure beings like you—your angelic form, that is—and I, we require nothing like the breath and blood these impuissant life-forms depend on. I don’t know how you can tolerate that decaying cage of a body. From the moment you are born, you are already dying. Can’t you smell the rot?”
I shook my head, confused. “You hate them because they are alive?”
“Life-forms are impure,” he said. “We angels are older than life itself, the first beings made from nothingness and given absolute power. We have no limits. But here you are consorting with these hybrid mongrel reapers. I can smell him on you. I can’t articulate how disappointed I am in you. Come back to us, Sister. You can still reclaim your grace and I won’t kill you. Heaven will fall and Lucifer will rise. Michael, Rafael, all of our brothers and sisters will die, but it is necessary for the purification. They are too loyal to God and his human creations to be swayed. Gabriel, my sister, help me cleanse the universe of the poisoning life and restore the dominion of angels.”
I shook my head again. “No. I can’t be swayed either. I have grown to love these humans and all life on Earth. If you would put your hatred aside for just a moment, spend any time at all among them, you’ll see how incredible life is. There aren’t enough words in any language—human or angelic—to describe how amazing the feel of sunlight is on your skin, or how soft is the velvet of flower petals, or what it’s like to jump into a river. You hate too much to ever know what it’s really like on Earth, what it’s like to love and to feel love and to be happy. That’s why I feel sorry for you.”
“None of that should ever have been—”
“But it is!” I cried. “Sammael, you’ve been asleep for eons. Life has thrived and become something truly great. I love being human. Why can’t you try to understand that?”
Flames raged in those golden eyes. “You can’t be saved.”
“No, Sammael,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s you who can’t be saved.”
He huffed—not quite a laugh—and grimaced. “Azrael can’t fight for you. In the end, it’ll be you and me.”
“I’m counting on it.”
He smiled, a hideous thing, like pulling apart a spider’s web, and the world started to fade. I was glad to see him go and to return to the waking world.
The hotel room was dark, but the window boasted a halo of daylight threatening to shine through the dark shade. We’d gone to bed at dawn and now it was nearly noon. Will still slumbered next to me, breathing softly. I reached over to the nightstand and touched my winged necklace. It felt warm to the touch as always. I relaxed as I felt grounded to the real world instead of the nightmare-hijacking I’d gotten from the Lord of Souls.
I glared at him, grinding my teeth together. “I absolutely do not.”
He seemed to soften then, but it was false and momentary, like dirt turned to mud in the rain. “I can smell your soul. I can smell it like infection in a wound. When I take it, you will be purified.”
“That’s not how it works,” I said, unwilling to move and to show my fear of him. “My soul has given me a sense of self, made me unique from everyone else. Don’t pretend that isn’t what you’ve always wanted.”
He circled me, laughing. “A soul, Gabriel?”
“An identity,” I corrected. “That’s why you turned your back on Heaven. That’s why all of the Fallen did. You were tired of being a mindless drone, a soldier who performed his duties and was never allowed to dream. You want your existence to mean something even now. Being human has given me a chance to really live instead of just survive. It’s not enough just to exist.”
He became quiet, his gaze studying me from head to toe. “Are you admitting your sympathies for the Fallen?”
“Yes,” I said. “In a way. But you turned your longing into hatred, and instead of freedom, you only found bloodshed and misery and imprisonment in Hell. That’s all you’ll ever have. I feel sorry for you.”
He lifted a hand and his long, slender fingers cupped my chin, lifting my face to his. “Do you honestly believe that you’ve found freedom on Earth, that being trapped in this limited mortal body makes you human?”
“Not just freedom,” I said. “I have a chance to live here. Freedom isn’t just about getting to make your own choices. It’s about getting to enjoy the life you’re given, to live life to the fullest. That’s the beauty of mortality, of what makes someone human. Time is treasured. The eternal…all they have is time.”
“What’s beautiful about mortality?” he asked. “You, Gabriel, a mighty archangel, stripped of your true power. A lesser thing. You live, you die, you live, you die. An endless cycle of violence and pain and suffering. There is nothing ultimate about your death, which is mortality at its intrinsic sense. Human souls go to Heaven or to Hell, but your soul—this shriveled thing you cling to so desperately—is shoved right back into your body and you’re forced to do it all over again. You think that you’re free? You’re a slave to this mortal shell.”
I swallowed hard and gritted my teeth. “At least I’m not hollow like you are.”
Sammael stood straight, staring down at me calmly as though he were unaffected. As I considered the shadow of truth in his words, I broke. Just a small crack, but it was enough to let a tear roll down my cheek and pool into the corner of my mouth.
“Why do you hate them so much?” I asked in a tiny voice, my lips trembling.
“They disgust me,” he replied, revulsion rolling on his tongue. “Earthly, living creatures with their feeding, bleeding, lusting. Pure beings like you—your angelic form, that is—and I, we require nothing like the breath and blood these impuissant life-forms depend on. I don’t know how you can tolerate that decaying cage of a body. From the moment you are born, you are already dying. Can’t you smell the rot?”
I shook my head, confused. “You hate them because they are alive?”
“Life-forms are impure,” he said. “We angels are older than life itself, the first beings made from nothingness and given absolute power. We have no limits. But here you are consorting with these hybrid mongrel reapers. I can smell him on you. I can’t articulate how disappointed I am in you. Come back to us, Sister. You can still reclaim your grace and I won’t kill you. Heaven will fall and Lucifer will rise. Michael, Rafael, all of our brothers and sisters will die, but it is necessary for the purification. They are too loyal to God and his human creations to be swayed. Gabriel, my sister, help me cleanse the universe of the poisoning life and restore the dominion of angels.”
I shook my head again. “No. I can’t be swayed either. I have grown to love these humans and all life on Earth. If you would put your hatred aside for just a moment, spend any time at all among them, you’ll see how incredible life is. There aren’t enough words in any language—human or angelic—to describe how amazing the feel of sunlight is on your skin, or how soft is the velvet of flower petals, or what it’s like to jump into a river. You hate too much to ever know what it’s really like on Earth, what it’s like to love and to feel love and to be happy. That’s why I feel sorry for you.”
“None of that should ever have been—”
“But it is!” I cried. “Sammael, you’ve been asleep for eons. Life has thrived and become something truly great. I love being human. Why can’t you try to understand that?”
Flames raged in those golden eyes. “You can’t be saved.”
“No, Sammael,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s you who can’t be saved.”
He huffed—not quite a laugh—and grimaced. “Azrael can’t fight for you. In the end, it’ll be you and me.”
“I’m counting on it.”
He smiled, a hideous thing, like pulling apart a spider’s web, and the world started to fade. I was glad to see him go and to return to the waking world.
The hotel room was dark, but the window boasted a halo of daylight threatening to shine through the dark shade. We’d gone to bed at dawn and now it was nearly noon. Will still slumbered next to me, breathing softly. I reached over to the nightstand and touched my winged necklace. It felt warm to the touch as always. I relaxed as I felt grounded to the real world instead of the nightmare-hijacking I’d gotten from the Lord of Souls.
