“And your personal life? How is that going?” He continued.
“Fine,” I replied and began picking at the chipped black nail polish on my fingernails.
“Any boyfriends? Have you managed to make yourself vulnerable to anyone yet, or is that still an area you are unable to explore?”
My eyes widened in embarrassment and set on Dr. Lund. He sat back, surprised, his dark eyebrows raised.
“That was an interesting reaction, Lexi. Would you care to talk about why that question brought out such a strong response?”
Lowering both hands, I gripped the wooden arms of the chair. “I’ve… I’ve met someone,” I confided as I felt the blush surge over my face.
“And when was this, Lexi?”
“A couple of months ago.”
Dr. Lund’s eyebrows arched once more. “A couple of months ago?”
I nodded my head and watched the disapproval wash across his face. “We have had no less than six sessions within the last eight weeks, and you mention this only now? This makes me worry, Lexi. What are you hiding about this boy?”
I averted my gaze out the window and felt my heart squeeze as I watched two children playing in the play area outside, the little girl trying to pin down the little boy and kiss him. She was brimming with confidence.
I prayed that same little blond girl didn’t grow up to be insecure. That she didn’t count calories religiously before putting a spoonful of food in her mouth, check the nutritional information on packages for the carbs, the sugars, the saturated fat. Didn’t hide her true beauty because she couldn’t stand the sight of her natural face. Didn’t freak out when that same little boy who is showing her so much affection as a six-year-old grows up and wants to kiss her some more… Didn’t grow up to let a throwaway comment from that boy she liked rob her of her childhood and shred her self-esteem.
“Lexi, keep your focus,” Dr. Lund said strictly as he glanced out the window at what had captured my attention.
Rubbing my hands down my face, I replied, “We… had a… bumpy start. He has… issues too. But lately, things have become more serious between us. I think? I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about what we are to each other yet. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or… well, whatever we are to one another, before, so I never said anything about it to you. I’m still trying to understand it all myself.”
Since returning from Tennessee, I had met up with Austin every night. Every single night. His momma had just been discharged from hospital, but while she was still here, Austin would visit Chiara and I would have my sessions. Then we would spend a few hours in our garden, holding hands and innocently kissing under the stars.
Austin knew where he could touch me now. We’d found that my collarbone too was a trigger, but Austin simply maneuvered around my problem areas, never making me feel shame or embarrassment about my disorder.
Dr. Lund leaned forward and placed his clipboard on the table beside him, his hands in a steeple as his elbows rested on his knees. “And are you comfortable around him, Lexi?”
Shifting uncomfortably on the seat, I nodded my head. “I am. We’ve done nothing too far, of course. But we’ve kissed some… touched some…”
“And?” Dr. Lund pushed, seeming surprised by how forthcoming I was being.
“It was… difficult at first, you know, because of my triggers, but I told him about my past, and he respects my boundaries. It’s getting easier with him. Day by day, he’s bringing down my walls.”
Dr. Lund suddenly straightened in his seat and I frowned.
“What?” I asked in response to his peculiar reaction.
Dr. Lund regarded me strangely before he asked, “You told him about your past?”
Nodding my head slowly, I answered, “Yes.”
A slow grin spread across Dr. Lund’s face. Dr. Lund had many expressions: stern, concerned, intrigued, but never overtly impressed.
“Lexi, we have been having these sessions for years. In that time, the people who have knowledge of your disorder, the people you have told about your disorder, I can count on one hand: your daddy, momma, Daisy, of course, and me. You have not told your best friends at school, Molly, Cass, and Ally, because…?” Dr. Lund trailed off and waited for me to answer.
Playing with the edge of the sleeve on my shirt, I confessed, “Because I didn’t want them to see me as weak. I didn’t want them to see me as some victim they had to walk on eggshells around. I wanted to go to college and be someone else other than Lexington Hart, anorexic.”
Dr. Lund nodded thoughtfully, like only psychiatrists can. Bringing his steepled-hands to his lips, he asked. “But you told this boy, after only knowing him a couple months. What makes him so different from your friends?”
Shrugging, I kept my focus down. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that I felt a spiritual connection to Austin. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that, sometimes, someone could stumble unannounced into the train wreck that is your life and begin to pull you out of the heavy rubble weighing down on your chest. I didn’t want to share that Austin knew hardship too. That although our respective issues were poles apart in nature, we were kindred spirits in the fight to not let these issues destroy us as people.
Austin was bringing color into my gray scale life.
He was precious to me.
He was my secret, another one I wasn’t willing to share.
“Lexi, you do not have to tell me about him straightaway—it’s a very new stage in your recovery—but I would like you to consider what made this gentleman different from anyone else. I am sure you understand the gravity of your confession to him, and that pleases me.” Dr. Lund sat back in his seat, and I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. Dr. Lund’s happy expression had turned into one of real concern. “But it worries me too. You’ve put your trust in someone, opened up to someone after years of hiding away behind the dark makeup and clothes.”
“Fine,” I replied and began picking at the chipped black nail polish on my fingernails.
“Any boyfriends? Have you managed to make yourself vulnerable to anyone yet, or is that still an area you are unable to explore?”
My eyes widened in embarrassment and set on Dr. Lund. He sat back, surprised, his dark eyebrows raised.
“That was an interesting reaction, Lexi. Would you care to talk about why that question brought out such a strong response?”
Lowering both hands, I gripped the wooden arms of the chair. “I’ve… I’ve met someone,” I confided as I felt the blush surge over my face.
“And when was this, Lexi?”
“A couple of months ago.”
Dr. Lund’s eyebrows arched once more. “A couple of months ago?”
I nodded my head and watched the disapproval wash across his face. “We have had no less than six sessions within the last eight weeks, and you mention this only now? This makes me worry, Lexi. What are you hiding about this boy?”
I averted my gaze out the window and felt my heart squeeze as I watched two children playing in the play area outside, the little girl trying to pin down the little boy and kiss him. She was brimming with confidence.
I prayed that same little blond girl didn’t grow up to be insecure. That she didn’t count calories religiously before putting a spoonful of food in her mouth, check the nutritional information on packages for the carbs, the sugars, the saturated fat. Didn’t hide her true beauty because she couldn’t stand the sight of her natural face. Didn’t freak out when that same little boy who is showing her so much affection as a six-year-old grows up and wants to kiss her some more… Didn’t grow up to let a throwaway comment from that boy she liked rob her of her childhood and shred her self-esteem.
“Lexi, keep your focus,” Dr. Lund said strictly as he glanced out the window at what had captured my attention.
Rubbing my hands down my face, I replied, “We… had a… bumpy start. He has… issues too. But lately, things have become more serious between us. I think? I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about what we are to each other yet. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or… well, whatever we are to one another, before, so I never said anything about it to you. I’m still trying to understand it all myself.”
Since returning from Tennessee, I had met up with Austin every night. Every single night. His momma had just been discharged from hospital, but while she was still here, Austin would visit Chiara and I would have my sessions. Then we would spend a few hours in our garden, holding hands and innocently kissing under the stars.
Austin knew where he could touch me now. We’d found that my collarbone too was a trigger, but Austin simply maneuvered around my problem areas, never making me feel shame or embarrassment about my disorder.
Dr. Lund leaned forward and placed his clipboard on the table beside him, his hands in a steeple as his elbows rested on his knees. “And are you comfortable around him, Lexi?”
Shifting uncomfortably on the seat, I nodded my head. “I am. We’ve done nothing too far, of course. But we’ve kissed some… touched some…”
“And?” Dr. Lund pushed, seeming surprised by how forthcoming I was being.
“It was… difficult at first, you know, because of my triggers, but I told him about my past, and he respects my boundaries. It’s getting easier with him. Day by day, he’s bringing down my walls.”
Dr. Lund suddenly straightened in his seat and I frowned.
“What?” I asked in response to his peculiar reaction.
Dr. Lund regarded me strangely before he asked, “You told him about your past?”
Nodding my head slowly, I answered, “Yes.”
A slow grin spread across Dr. Lund’s face. Dr. Lund had many expressions: stern, concerned, intrigued, but never overtly impressed.
“Lexi, we have been having these sessions for years. In that time, the people who have knowledge of your disorder, the people you have told about your disorder, I can count on one hand: your daddy, momma, Daisy, of course, and me. You have not told your best friends at school, Molly, Cass, and Ally, because…?” Dr. Lund trailed off and waited for me to answer.
Playing with the edge of the sleeve on my shirt, I confessed, “Because I didn’t want them to see me as weak. I didn’t want them to see me as some victim they had to walk on eggshells around. I wanted to go to college and be someone else other than Lexington Hart, anorexic.”
Dr. Lund nodded thoughtfully, like only psychiatrists can. Bringing his steepled-hands to his lips, he asked. “But you told this boy, after only knowing him a couple months. What makes him so different from your friends?”
Shrugging, I kept my focus down. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that I felt a spiritual connection to Austin. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that, sometimes, someone could stumble unannounced into the train wreck that is your life and begin to pull you out of the heavy rubble weighing down on your chest. I didn’t want to share that Austin knew hardship too. That although our respective issues were poles apart in nature, we were kindred spirits in the fight to not let these issues destroy us as people.
Austin was bringing color into my gray scale life.
He was precious to me.
He was my secret, another one I wasn’t willing to share.
“Lexi, you do not have to tell me about him straightaway—it’s a very new stage in your recovery—but I would like you to consider what made this gentleman different from anyone else. I am sure you understand the gravity of your confession to him, and that pleases me.” Dr. Lund sat back in his seat, and I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. Dr. Lund’s happy expression had turned into one of real concern. “But it worries me too. You’ve put your trust in someone, opened up to someone after years of hiding away behind the dark makeup and clothes.”
