“Then what concerns you? I thought you said it was progression?” I asked quietly.
“That this could go one of two ways.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Lexi, this boy could bring you out of your shell, help you with your insecurities, give you a real sense of worth, one that is not measured by a scale. Or he could build you up only to cut you down, and you could find yourself in a darker place than you were only a few short years ago. You have to decide if he is worth the risk.”
I did consider what Dr. Lund was saying, but frankly, over the last few weeks, I’d been falling for Austin so hard that I couldn’t bear the thought of not speaking to him. Austin was the one person I could be my complete self with. There was no fakery, no acting around him; it was just me and him.
Austin is worth the risk.
“Take some time, Lexi. Think it through, and we can discuss it when you are ready.”
Dr. Lund scribbled the last few notes on his clipboard and shut it with a slam. “Time’s up.”
Standing, I moved to walk out of the room, when Dr. Lund said, “Oh and, Lexi, one more thing. If I keep seeing evidence of weight loss, I will be forced to submit you for an assessment. One or two pounds may be understandable with the amount of exercise you are doing of late. But any more than that and it will be a red flag that you are falling back into old habits.”
I glared at Dr. Lund coldly and, swiftly exiting his room, made my way to the bathroom across the hall. My heart was slamming in my chest.
Moving to the row of sinks, I forced myself to look at my reflection in the mirror.
I had lost weight.
I now stood at ninety-two pounds.
More than Dr. Lund suspected.
A slow grin began spreading on my face. Lifting my fingers, they brushed over my body. My collarbone was becoming more pronounced, just how I liked. My cheeks were defining, sallow and severe in shape, and lifting my long, loose dress and ignoring the instant repulsion at seeing the layers of fat on my dimpled thighs, I saw that the gap between my thighs was increasing. It was slight, but it was there. The thigh gap was everything to me—what I measured my weight loss by. It was the proof of triumph over will.
Yet it wasn’t enough. There was still too much fat. My jaw clenched and my hands fisted at my sides.
There is too much fat, Lexington. You are right. You have done well thus far, but you can do so much better. You know you can. You have lost some weight, granted, but let us keep striving for more. Let us keep striving for perfection.
Reaching to grip the edge of the sink, I almost felt entranced by the voice, but as I pictured the task ahead of me, the weeks I would have to cut out food in secret, take on more exercise than I already was, Austin’s face flitted into my mind… and suddenly, the voice’s persuasive words were silenced.
As I glanced up at the mirror, at the girl with the painted face, the girl wearing a mask. I pushed hard to purge myself of my doubts as I recited, You are beautiful, Lexi. You are perfect just the way you are.
I repeated Dr. Lund’s mantra over and over until a pit formed in my stomach. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be stronger for Austin. But the mantra wasn’t working, and all I could think of was my back and how many ribs I could count.
I couldn’t get that thought out of my head. It was unrelenting as it whirled around my mind.
Warring with my best intentions, I finally ripped up my dress and began the counting of my ribs on my back as though it was rote.
One, two three, four, five, six, seven… seven, seven, seven…
Seven. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. I should be able to count ten. There should be ten ribs, clearly defined and free of fat, that I could count.
What if things progressed with Austin? I wanted to be comfortable with him… with myself. I wanted to be worthy of him. I could only do that if I was thinner. I needed to be thinner. It was the only way I could ever be content with myself. It was the only way I could ever make love.
Lexington, give yourself to me. I will get you to your goal. Austin will love you when we have succeeded. Be awed by you. Do what you must and make sure no one suspects a thing. Secrecy is key. Dr. Lund will not be able to force you onto the scale as the pounds fall from your flesh. You are not his property to order about, nor his puppet to control. You belong to me and that is always the way it will be. Dr. Lund is an obstacle. He is a barrier to perfection…
As I stared at the painted girl in the mirror, tears filled my eyes at the truth of the eyesore before me.
I wasn’t worthy. I was severely lacking. There was no beauty queen staring back, no redeeming features on her plain and chubby face. Just too much fat engulfing her features and ugliness, ugliness there for everyone to see.
Resolved, I made my decision. I would do as the voice commanded, shed a few more pounds. With a few more pounds gone, I would stop. It wouldn’t go too far. No one would suspect a thing. It would be easy.
I couldn’t see another way.
It would be easy to stop…
Easy to stop…
Once I am thinner.
Chapter Sixteen
Lexi
“What do you mean you can’t fly?” Shelly Blair shrieked at me, and I heard Lyle whistle low from beside me.
“I’ve just got back from my physiotherapist and he insisted I cannot fly in the stunts, but I can still dance. My back can’t be touched due to a strained muscle. The landings of the stunts will be too much. But I can dance solo at the front of the squad.”
My lies tasted of vinegar as they poured easily out of my mouth, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel guilt.
“That this could go one of two ways.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Lexi, this boy could bring you out of your shell, help you with your insecurities, give you a real sense of worth, one that is not measured by a scale. Or he could build you up only to cut you down, and you could find yourself in a darker place than you were only a few short years ago. You have to decide if he is worth the risk.”
I did consider what Dr. Lund was saying, but frankly, over the last few weeks, I’d been falling for Austin so hard that I couldn’t bear the thought of not speaking to him. Austin was the one person I could be my complete self with. There was no fakery, no acting around him; it was just me and him.
Austin is worth the risk.
“Take some time, Lexi. Think it through, and we can discuss it when you are ready.”
Dr. Lund scribbled the last few notes on his clipboard and shut it with a slam. “Time’s up.”
Standing, I moved to walk out of the room, when Dr. Lund said, “Oh and, Lexi, one more thing. If I keep seeing evidence of weight loss, I will be forced to submit you for an assessment. One or two pounds may be understandable with the amount of exercise you are doing of late. But any more than that and it will be a red flag that you are falling back into old habits.”
I glared at Dr. Lund coldly and, swiftly exiting his room, made my way to the bathroom across the hall. My heart was slamming in my chest.
Moving to the row of sinks, I forced myself to look at my reflection in the mirror.
I had lost weight.
I now stood at ninety-two pounds.
More than Dr. Lund suspected.
A slow grin began spreading on my face. Lifting my fingers, they brushed over my body. My collarbone was becoming more pronounced, just how I liked. My cheeks were defining, sallow and severe in shape, and lifting my long, loose dress and ignoring the instant repulsion at seeing the layers of fat on my dimpled thighs, I saw that the gap between my thighs was increasing. It was slight, but it was there. The thigh gap was everything to me—what I measured my weight loss by. It was the proof of triumph over will.
Yet it wasn’t enough. There was still too much fat. My jaw clenched and my hands fisted at my sides.
There is too much fat, Lexington. You are right. You have done well thus far, but you can do so much better. You know you can. You have lost some weight, granted, but let us keep striving for more. Let us keep striving for perfection.
Reaching to grip the edge of the sink, I almost felt entranced by the voice, but as I pictured the task ahead of me, the weeks I would have to cut out food in secret, take on more exercise than I already was, Austin’s face flitted into my mind… and suddenly, the voice’s persuasive words were silenced.
As I glanced up at the mirror, at the girl with the painted face, the girl wearing a mask. I pushed hard to purge myself of my doubts as I recited, You are beautiful, Lexi. You are perfect just the way you are.
I repeated Dr. Lund’s mantra over and over until a pit formed in my stomach. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be stronger for Austin. But the mantra wasn’t working, and all I could think of was my back and how many ribs I could count.
I couldn’t get that thought out of my head. It was unrelenting as it whirled around my mind.
Warring with my best intentions, I finally ripped up my dress and began the counting of my ribs on my back as though it was rote.
One, two three, four, five, six, seven… seven, seven, seven…
Seven. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. I should be able to count ten. There should be ten ribs, clearly defined and free of fat, that I could count.
What if things progressed with Austin? I wanted to be comfortable with him… with myself. I wanted to be worthy of him. I could only do that if I was thinner. I needed to be thinner. It was the only way I could ever be content with myself. It was the only way I could ever make love.
Lexington, give yourself to me. I will get you to your goal. Austin will love you when we have succeeded. Be awed by you. Do what you must and make sure no one suspects a thing. Secrecy is key. Dr. Lund will not be able to force you onto the scale as the pounds fall from your flesh. You are not his property to order about, nor his puppet to control. You belong to me and that is always the way it will be. Dr. Lund is an obstacle. He is a barrier to perfection…
As I stared at the painted girl in the mirror, tears filled my eyes at the truth of the eyesore before me.
I wasn’t worthy. I was severely lacking. There was no beauty queen staring back, no redeeming features on her plain and chubby face. Just too much fat engulfing her features and ugliness, ugliness there for everyone to see.
Resolved, I made my decision. I would do as the voice commanded, shed a few more pounds. With a few more pounds gone, I would stop. It wouldn’t go too far. No one would suspect a thing. It would be easy.
I couldn’t see another way.
It would be easy to stop…
Easy to stop…
Once I am thinner.
Chapter Sixteen
Lexi
“What do you mean you can’t fly?” Shelly Blair shrieked at me, and I heard Lyle whistle low from beside me.
“I’ve just got back from my physiotherapist and he insisted I cannot fly in the stunts, but I can still dance. My back can’t be touched due to a strained muscle. The landings of the stunts will be too much. But I can dance solo at the front of the squad.”
My lies tasted of vinegar as they poured easily out of my mouth, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel guilt.
