Chapter Twenty-Two
Lexi
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 83lbs
Calorie intake: 400 250
I wish you were here. Lord, I wish you were here.
The last few days have been so hard, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality, on my eating… on everything.
Molly lost her baby. One of my best friends almost died. And to make things worse, she left us. She left without a word. We know she’s gone back home to Oxford, but she didn’t even tell us good-bye. Rome is distraught. We all are. And we don’t even know if she’s ever coming back.
And Austin… Austin is dealing drugs and back in with the Heighters. I never really see him anymore, he doesn’t want me, and I feel as though my heart is breaking, slowly, tortuously.
I wasn’t enough for him. My biggest fear realized.
I’m drowning in this, Daisy. The voice is my only comfort, and with each passing day, I surrender to him further. I never feel strong anymore. I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate who I see so much that I almost smash the glass with my fist just so I don’t have to face the fat, ugly eyesore staring back.
I jog miles a day, but it’s never enough.
My food intake is almost nonexistent, but it’s just never enough.
I am falling apart, Daisy.
Completely falling apart.
I miss you.
Why did you have to leave me alone?
A tear splashed to the page of my diary as I signed off, the watery ink running down the paper. I rolled my head to look outside the window and sighed. It was winter. Twilight. And all the stars were shining bright. Christmas break was officially tomorrow, and I’d be going home to nothing.
My parents had reluctantly gone away for my daddy’s work. They were gone for the next six weeks while he set up a new oncology ward in Mobile. They hated leaving me on the holidays, but they thought I was going to Texas with Cass for Christmas.
I’d lied. I was going to be alone at my parents’ house. And that was real good. I needed to be alone, away from people who might force me to eat.
It was a bizarre cocktail of happy and sad as I looked up at the night sky. Austin always stared at the stars. He would talk about them all the time while gripping my hand, pressing kisses to my skin. It always made me feel cherished.
I glanced down at my hand and made a loose fist at the memory. It was almost as if I could feel Austin’s tattooed fingers wrapped around mine. But that was done with now. We were done; of that I was sure.
Since the night we made love, we’d been virtual strangers. I was too much for him to cope with. I always knew I would be. But then his entire life was too much for him to cope with. One broken boy carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
We were both just too messed up to ever be with each other in the way we needed to be. Two shooting stars that burned out too quickly, never quite reaching each other’s skies.
I sat by my window for hours, watching the dark clouds roll by, before the rain began to fall, splashing against the glass and obscuring my view. The sorority house was quiet. Too quiet. Most people gone home for the holidays. I was here on my own.
Alone with the voice.
Finding my bedroom too stifling, I decided to take a walk. Throwing my hooded jacket over my black boyfriend jeans and oversized, worn Nightwish shirt, I made my way out of the house and let my feet take me where they wanted to go.
With my hood pulled up high, I startled when I realized where I was: the summerhouse. Casting a glance around me, all was quiet in the frat house, and I tried the doorknob. It was open.
Cautiously edging inside, I shook off the rain, lifted my head, and suddenly jumped so hard my heartbeat thundered in my ears. There at the roaring open fire was Austin, hands flat above the fireplace mantle and head ducked down, staring at the flames.
Nerves accosted me as I watched him. His muscles were huge under his black shirt and jeans, his dark hair messy. And his beautiful tattoos were proudly on display. He was perfection, and the pain in my gut reminded me just how much I missed him… just how much I’d grown to need him. And he’d ripped away that need.
I hadn’t known he was here, at school. From what I could gather, he was always with his momma at the trailer park. Even at football practice, he would do his sprints and leave. He never looked my way, but I was always looking at him. Watching him from afar.
Bowing my head, I began backing out the door, when my foot pressed on a loose floorboard, a loud creak echoing around the room.
Austin’s head snapped back toward me and his face immediately softened when he saw me at the door. “Pix?” Austin whispered in a rough voice.
Looking back at the open door, I decided to leave, but Austin said, “Please, Pix… don’t go.”
Sighing, I turned back around and found Austin right before me. His scent washed over me like a welcomed breeze on a hot summer day and his finger ran down my cheek. He always did that. I was never sure why… I missed that too.
“I was just thinking about you… I’m always f**kin’ thinking of you, Pix.”
He’d been drinking. I could smell the strong scent of whiskey on his breath.
I immediately lifted my chin and was met with burning dark eyes… tired eyes surrounded by dark rings. My hand lifted to his face and I inched closer still. “Austin…” I whispered and almost dropped to the floor as he nuzzled into my palm, seeking my touch. His rough stubble scraped at my skin.
“I just needed to numb the pain, Pix… it’s all so f**ked up,” he said almost inaudibly, and I pushed up his chin to meet his unfocused eyes, eyes full of tears.
Lexi
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 83lbs
Calorie intake: 400 250
I wish you were here. Lord, I wish you were here.
The last few days have been so hard, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality, on my eating… on everything.
Molly lost her baby. One of my best friends almost died. And to make things worse, she left us. She left without a word. We know she’s gone back home to Oxford, but she didn’t even tell us good-bye. Rome is distraught. We all are. And we don’t even know if she’s ever coming back.
And Austin… Austin is dealing drugs and back in with the Heighters. I never really see him anymore, he doesn’t want me, and I feel as though my heart is breaking, slowly, tortuously.
I wasn’t enough for him. My biggest fear realized.
I’m drowning in this, Daisy. The voice is my only comfort, and with each passing day, I surrender to him further. I never feel strong anymore. I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate who I see so much that I almost smash the glass with my fist just so I don’t have to face the fat, ugly eyesore staring back.
I jog miles a day, but it’s never enough.
My food intake is almost nonexistent, but it’s just never enough.
I am falling apart, Daisy.
Completely falling apart.
I miss you.
Why did you have to leave me alone?
A tear splashed to the page of my diary as I signed off, the watery ink running down the paper. I rolled my head to look outside the window and sighed. It was winter. Twilight. And all the stars were shining bright. Christmas break was officially tomorrow, and I’d be going home to nothing.
My parents had reluctantly gone away for my daddy’s work. They were gone for the next six weeks while he set up a new oncology ward in Mobile. They hated leaving me on the holidays, but they thought I was going to Texas with Cass for Christmas.
I’d lied. I was going to be alone at my parents’ house. And that was real good. I needed to be alone, away from people who might force me to eat.
It was a bizarre cocktail of happy and sad as I looked up at the night sky. Austin always stared at the stars. He would talk about them all the time while gripping my hand, pressing kisses to my skin. It always made me feel cherished.
I glanced down at my hand and made a loose fist at the memory. It was almost as if I could feel Austin’s tattooed fingers wrapped around mine. But that was done with now. We were done; of that I was sure.
Since the night we made love, we’d been virtual strangers. I was too much for him to cope with. I always knew I would be. But then his entire life was too much for him to cope with. One broken boy carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
We were both just too messed up to ever be with each other in the way we needed to be. Two shooting stars that burned out too quickly, never quite reaching each other’s skies.
I sat by my window for hours, watching the dark clouds roll by, before the rain began to fall, splashing against the glass and obscuring my view. The sorority house was quiet. Too quiet. Most people gone home for the holidays. I was here on my own.
Alone with the voice.
Finding my bedroom too stifling, I decided to take a walk. Throwing my hooded jacket over my black boyfriend jeans and oversized, worn Nightwish shirt, I made my way out of the house and let my feet take me where they wanted to go.
With my hood pulled up high, I startled when I realized where I was: the summerhouse. Casting a glance around me, all was quiet in the frat house, and I tried the doorknob. It was open.
Cautiously edging inside, I shook off the rain, lifted my head, and suddenly jumped so hard my heartbeat thundered in my ears. There at the roaring open fire was Austin, hands flat above the fireplace mantle and head ducked down, staring at the flames.
Nerves accosted me as I watched him. His muscles were huge under his black shirt and jeans, his dark hair messy. And his beautiful tattoos were proudly on display. He was perfection, and the pain in my gut reminded me just how much I missed him… just how much I’d grown to need him. And he’d ripped away that need.
I hadn’t known he was here, at school. From what I could gather, he was always with his momma at the trailer park. Even at football practice, he would do his sprints and leave. He never looked my way, but I was always looking at him. Watching him from afar.
Bowing my head, I began backing out the door, when my foot pressed on a loose floorboard, a loud creak echoing around the room.
Austin’s head snapped back toward me and his face immediately softened when he saw me at the door. “Pix?” Austin whispered in a rough voice.
Looking back at the open door, I decided to leave, but Austin said, “Please, Pix… don’t go.”
Sighing, I turned back around and found Austin right before me. His scent washed over me like a welcomed breeze on a hot summer day and his finger ran down my cheek. He always did that. I was never sure why… I missed that too.
“I was just thinking about you… I’m always f**kin’ thinking of you, Pix.”
He’d been drinking. I could smell the strong scent of whiskey on his breath.
I immediately lifted my chin and was met with burning dark eyes… tired eyes surrounded by dark rings. My hand lifted to his face and I inched closer still. “Austin…” I whispered and almost dropped to the floor as he nuzzled into my palm, seeking my touch. His rough stubble scraped at my skin.
“I just needed to numb the pain, Pix… it’s all so f**ked up,” he said almost inaudibly, and I pushed up his chin to meet his unfocused eyes, eyes full of tears.
