I couldn’t say anything. The voice in my mind began his torturous taunts. He does regret it, Lexington. He just cannot tell you to your face. You know the truth. You disgust him.
“Pix!” Austin shouted, and my eyes fixed on his. I was breathless with panic and starting to feel faint.
That is because you have successful been eating only four hundred calories a day, exercising nonstop. We are winning, Lexington. This boy is deterring your success. Forget him. Listen to me. We are reaching perfection.
“Pix! Fuck! Look at me. Don’t go there. Don’t you dare go there right now! I can’t deal with that too! I’m trying to keep you safe. Please. I’m trying to take away any threat.”
“I repulse you,” I whispered knowingly, ignoring his words, my eyes filling with water. “That’s why you’ve ignored me lately. Even at the SEC Championship game this week, you barely looked my way.”
“No! No, I was just trying to deal with all this shit. The game was televised and I knew the Heighters were watching. I didn’t want anyone from the crew seeing me with you. I don’t want you to be a target for any of the dealing shit, Lex!”
“Carillo! Carillo, you out here?” a hushed voice sounded.
The hands cupping my face froze on my cheeks, and Austin’s teeth gritted together. Someone was coming.
Austin lowered his mouth to my ear. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a second.” I pushed back as far into the hedge as I could go.
Austin left our hiding spot and put his back to me, protecting me from view.
“Carillo, I’ve been looking for you,” that same deep voice said.
“What do you want, Porter?” Austin asked.
Chris Porter? Wide receiver Chris Porter?
“I want some coke. Heard on the grapevine you’re the guy to see.”
“You heard wrong,” Austin said coolly and then added, “and what you wanting coke for? You get tested before the National Championship and you lose any chance of being drafted.”
“Quit bitchin’, Carillo. I ain’t that dumb. I want it for the after party.”
“Ain’t happening, Porter.”
I heard the shuffle of feet and hands slapping on a chest. “Fuck you, Carillo! Fuck. You!”
Everything went silent, and then Austin reappeared. As I regarded him in the light of an old-fashioned lamp, I saw how tired he looked, how stressed. Feeling an overwhelming sense of empathy for him, I moved forward. “Austin—”
“Lexi. This, us, it has to end.” He interrupted.
I felt as though someone hit my back with a baseball bat and cracked open my chest, ruining my heart.
Austin’s eyes grew shiny and he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think you know how much I wish it was different. But my life’s f**ked up and I’m too far back into the crew to get out. You can’t be with someone like me, Pix. I’ll ruin your f**kin’ life. You might let that happen, but I won’t. I won’t be like my daddy, running my girl through a shit show of a life.”
I stared at Austin numbly, and he turned to the shadows to wipe at his eyes. It was strange, but I felt… nothing. Like my ruined heart was protecting itself from the final crushing blow of Austin’s rejection. Like I’d had a Novocain shot to numb my feelings.
My feet began moving back to the direction of my friends and, in the back of mind, I knew Austin was following behind me. As soon as I saw my friends, I sat down, threw an automatic fake smile on my face, and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times to the jokes my friends were telling. I could also feel Austin’s heavy stare, but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
I registered Rome returning to the table, looking for Molly, but that didn’t pull me from my stupor until I heard, “Rome! Rome! Help!”
Female screams from the house carried on the winter’s breeze, snapping me back to life. Voices murmuring and people rushing came next, and Austin, suddenly taking my hand in his, began running for the house, dragging me behind him.
As we approached the back entrance, I spotted people whispering and crying, people’s hands over their mouths.
Austin looked down at me and shrugged. But then we saw Cass, Jimmy-Don, Ally, and Reece, all pale and sprint into the house. The only person anyone would be alerting Rome about was… Molly!
Tugging on Austin’s hand, I began running to the back stairs, Austin pushing through the crowds to see what the commotion was about. Once inside, we rounded the door to the library, where my heart jumped into my throat.
Then everything seemed to move in double speed. Shelly Blair was standing against a bookcase, hand over her mouth and crying. Ally and Reece were in each other’s arms, Ally inconsolable in her tears, and Jimmy-Don was propping up Cass as she turned away from something on the floor.
The floor.
“No!” I heard Austin whisper, and I bent down through the throng of Tide players to see what was happening.
Blood. Lots of blood. And Molly. Molly in Rome’s arms as he rocked her, crying and shouting. But I couldn’t hear what was said. I simply couldn’t take my eyes off the blood.
The baby… I thought, and felt Austin wrap me in his arms, no care about who would see us like this. No care for the fact he’d just told me we were done. But nobody was even looking our way. The room started spinning, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was everyone I cared about being ripped apart and taken from me?
It was like a switch flicked on inside me and the numbness returned. Why was the world filled with such sadness and pain?
“Pix!” Austin shouted, and my eyes fixed on his. I was breathless with panic and starting to feel faint.
That is because you have successful been eating only four hundred calories a day, exercising nonstop. We are winning, Lexington. This boy is deterring your success. Forget him. Listen to me. We are reaching perfection.
“Pix! Fuck! Look at me. Don’t go there. Don’t you dare go there right now! I can’t deal with that too! I’m trying to keep you safe. Please. I’m trying to take away any threat.”
“I repulse you,” I whispered knowingly, ignoring his words, my eyes filling with water. “That’s why you’ve ignored me lately. Even at the SEC Championship game this week, you barely looked my way.”
“No! No, I was just trying to deal with all this shit. The game was televised and I knew the Heighters were watching. I didn’t want anyone from the crew seeing me with you. I don’t want you to be a target for any of the dealing shit, Lex!”
“Carillo! Carillo, you out here?” a hushed voice sounded.
The hands cupping my face froze on my cheeks, and Austin’s teeth gritted together. Someone was coming.
Austin lowered his mouth to my ear. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a second.” I pushed back as far into the hedge as I could go.
Austin left our hiding spot and put his back to me, protecting me from view.
“Carillo, I’ve been looking for you,” that same deep voice said.
“What do you want, Porter?” Austin asked.
Chris Porter? Wide receiver Chris Porter?
“I want some coke. Heard on the grapevine you’re the guy to see.”
“You heard wrong,” Austin said coolly and then added, “and what you wanting coke for? You get tested before the National Championship and you lose any chance of being drafted.”
“Quit bitchin’, Carillo. I ain’t that dumb. I want it for the after party.”
“Ain’t happening, Porter.”
I heard the shuffle of feet and hands slapping on a chest. “Fuck you, Carillo! Fuck. You!”
Everything went silent, and then Austin reappeared. As I regarded him in the light of an old-fashioned lamp, I saw how tired he looked, how stressed. Feeling an overwhelming sense of empathy for him, I moved forward. “Austin—”
“Lexi. This, us, it has to end.” He interrupted.
I felt as though someone hit my back with a baseball bat and cracked open my chest, ruining my heart.
Austin’s eyes grew shiny and he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think you know how much I wish it was different. But my life’s f**ked up and I’m too far back into the crew to get out. You can’t be with someone like me, Pix. I’ll ruin your f**kin’ life. You might let that happen, but I won’t. I won’t be like my daddy, running my girl through a shit show of a life.”
I stared at Austin numbly, and he turned to the shadows to wipe at his eyes. It was strange, but I felt… nothing. Like my ruined heart was protecting itself from the final crushing blow of Austin’s rejection. Like I’d had a Novocain shot to numb my feelings.
My feet began moving back to the direction of my friends and, in the back of mind, I knew Austin was following behind me. As soon as I saw my friends, I sat down, threw an automatic fake smile on my face, and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times to the jokes my friends were telling. I could also feel Austin’s heavy stare, but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
I registered Rome returning to the table, looking for Molly, but that didn’t pull me from my stupor until I heard, “Rome! Rome! Help!”
Female screams from the house carried on the winter’s breeze, snapping me back to life. Voices murmuring and people rushing came next, and Austin, suddenly taking my hand in his, began running for the house, dragging me behind him.
As we approached the back entrance, I spotted people whispering and crying, people’s hands over their mouths.
Austin looked down at me and shrugged. But then we saw Cass, Jimmy-Don, Ally, and Reece, all pale and sprint into the house. The only person anyone would be alerting Rome about was… Molly!
Tugging on Austin’s hand, I began running to the back stairs, Austin pushing through the crowds to see what the commotion was about. Once inside, we rounded the door to the library, where my heart jumped into my throat.
Then everything seemed to move in double speed. Shelly Blair was standing against a bookcase, hand over her mouth and crying. Ally and Reece were in each other’s arms, Ally inconsolable in her tears, and Jimmy-Don was propping up Cass as she turned away from something on the floor.
The floor.
“No!” I heard Austin whisper, and I bent down through the throng of Tide players to see what was happening.
Blood. Lots of blood. And Molly. Molly in Rome’s arms as he rocked her, crying and shouting. But I couldn’t hear what was said. I simply couldn’t take my eyes off the blood.
The baby… I thought, and felt Austin wrap me in his arms, no care about who would see us like this. No care for the fact he’d just told me we were done. But nobody was even looking our way. The room started spinning, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was everyone I cared about being ripped apart and taken from me?
It was like a switch flicked on inside me and the numbness returned. Why was the world filled with such sadness and pain?
