Moving to her iPhone her daddy had brought in, I pressed play on her favorite song, “Sleeping Sun” by Nightwish, the haunting lyrics filling the room. But my Pix never moved, just stayed where she lay, unaffected, staring at nothing at the farthest side of the room.
The door opened behind me, and when I looked around, Dr. Hart was at the door, clutching a brown book of some sort in his hand. After casting a devastated glance at Lexi, he motioned with a wave for me to follow him outside.
As soon as I shut the door, Dr. Hart moved right before me, shaking the old brown book. “When I first found this this morning in Lexi’s room and started reading it, I didn’t know whether to hug you or have you arrested for your extracurricular activities. I knew when I first met you that day in the hospital that you were a Heighter.” He pointed to the stidda on my cheek. “That famous star gave it away. But I didn’t know you were a coke dealer too. My first instinct was to march down here and never let you see my girl again.”
I swallowed at his cutting words and felt like the piece of shit he was making me out to be.
“But then I kept reading the inner workings of my daughter’s fragile mind, and her self-loathing and loneliness she’d had since a teen seemed to fade when you entered her life.” He laid a hand my shoulder, water filling his green eyes… eyes just like Lexi’s. “She loves you, son. Loves you so violently that I never thought I’d ever see the day. You made her see herself as beautiful… You don’t know what a gift that is to me, to her momma. With you, she saw herself as worthy. For that, I owe you the world.”
Dr. Hart broke down at that point, his chest heaving. I put my hand on his arm.
“But I f**ked up. I left her.”
Dr. Hart lifted his head and placed the brown book into my hands. “This is her journal. You need to read it. I want you to read it. I’ve bookmarked the entry that applies to you.”
I looked down to the journal like it was a bomb in my hand, and Dr. Hart moved away without another word but glanced back and said, “If she gets through this, you need to get out of that gang. My daughter will not be put in harm’s way anymore.”
“It’s already done with. It was the moment I walked into this place and saw my soul mate laying on that hospital bed. If she gets through this, sir, I’ll do whatever it takes to gain back her trust… and yours.”
Dr. Hart sighed. “You know, Austin. You’re a good kid. A good, but lost, kid. I’m trusting that you’ll do what’s right.” With that, he walked away.
Shuffling into the solitary family room, I shut the door and opened the pages revealing the intricate musings of Pix’s mind.
Dear Daisy… This is my first letter to you…
Dear Daisy… I’m terrified. I’m not eating, not sleeping…
Dear Daisy… Last night was the most magical night of my life…
Dear Daisy… I wish you were here… I never see Austin anymore, and I feel as though my heart is breaking…
Clutching the journal in my hands, I almost tore the paper. Her words were cutting, terrifying, and I was finding them real hard to read.
But with a long exhale, I turned to the entry for me. It was written the very last day we had spoken, after we’d made love in the summerhouse. Just before I left her for good…
My eyes wandered over the words…
Dear Daisy,
Dear… you…
Where to begin…?
There are so many things I wish I had said to you. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you now. But I lack courage. I would be unable to voice the words I so dearly want to say, too afraid of your rejection. So instead, I bare them here, on the pages I hold most dear. I am too weak to tell you this face-to-face, but…
I love you.
I love you deeply, whole-heartedly, without hesitation, free of condition.
I have fallen in love with you. The broken boy who has only ever known trouble and strife. Yet the broken boy who managed to put this broken girl back together, at least for a while.
I wasn’t always this broken. As a child, my life was happy. It was endless days of summer and spring. But on one of those days, while playing carefree amongst the daisies, a deep freeze swooped in unannounced, robbing everything bright of its light. Then winter thawed and fall leaves began to sprout. But the sun never fully came back. Days and days would be spent lost in dreary overcast, until… until gradually, sunbeams began to break up the blanket of gray and set forth its healing rays. Those healing rays were you.
For a time, the sun shone every day. Birds would chirp and time would be spent lounging in the heat, content basking in its glow.
But again, the unrelenting winter returned, bringing days of forever night, and with it, all loss of hope.
For the sun would never shine again, and without it, everything withers and dies… until there is nothing, nothing but an empty desert of pain.
We didn’t last. Lord knows we didn’t last. We broke down at the most critical hour, and my heart fragmented into pieces. I have spiraled down a deep, dark well, no hope of rescue.
For a time, with you by my side, I was normal. For a time, with you by my side, I felt beautiful. But that time is up. That time is no more. The last grain of sand has fallen in the hourglass that is my resistance to the voice, and I’m choosing to finally let go.
It happened so gradually that I didn’t even know I was back in the darkness until I lost my way, completely alone, no light to be my guide—no you to lead the way.
The door opened behind me, and when I looked around, Dr. Hart was at the door, clutching a brown book of some sort in his hand. After casting a devastated glance at Lexi, he motioned with a wave for me to follow him outside.
As soon as I shut the door, Dr. Hart moved right before me, shaking the old brown book. “When I first found this this morning in Lexi’s room and started reading it, I didn’t know whether to hug you or have you arrested for your extracurricular activities. I knew when I first met you that day in the hospital that you were a Heighter.” He pointed to the stidda on my cheek. “That famous star gave it away. But I didn’t know you were a coke dealer too. My first instinct was to march down here and never let you see my girl again.”
I swallowed at his cutting words and felt like the piece of shit he was making me out to be.
“But then I kept reading the inner workings of my daughter’s fragile mind, and her self-loathing and loneliness she’d had since a teen seemed to fade when you entered her life.” He laid a hand my shoulder, water filling his green eyes… eyes just like Lexi’s. “She loves you, son. Loves you so violently that I never thought I’d ever see the day. You made her see herself as beautiful… You don’t know what a gift that is to me, to her momma. With you, she saw herself as worthy. For that, I owe you the world.”
Dr. Hart broke down at that point, his chest heaving. I put my hand on his arm.
“But I f**ked up. I left her.”
Dr. Hart lifted his head and placed the brown book into my hands. “This is her journal. You need to read it. I want you to read it. I’ve bookmarked the entry that applies to you.”
I looked down to the journal like it was a bomb in my hand, and Dr. Hart moved away without another word but glanced back and said, “If she gets through this, you need to get out of that gang. My daughter will not be put in harm’s way anymore.”
“It’s already done with. It was the moment I walked into this place and saw my soul mate laying on that hospital bed. If she gets through this, sir, I’ll do whatever it takes to gain back her trust… and yours.”
Dr. Hart sighed. “You know, Austin. You’re a good kid. A good, but lost, kid. I’m trusting that you’ll do what’s right.” With that, he walked away.
Shuffling into the solitary family room, I shut the door and opened the pages revealing the intricate musings of Pix’s mind.
Dear Daisy… This is my first letter to you…
Dear Daisy… I’m terrified. I’m not eating, not sleeping…
Dear Daisy… Last night was the most magical night of my life…
Dear Daisy… I wish you were here… I never see Austin anymore, and I feel as though my heart is breaking…
Clutching the journal in my hands, I almost tore the paper. Her words were cutting, terrifying, and I was finding them real hard to read.
But with a long exhale, I turned to the entry for me. It was written the very last day we had spoken, after we’d made love in the summerhouse. Just before I left her for good…
My eyes wandered over the words…
Dear Daisy,
Dear… you…
Where to begin…?
There are so many things I wish I had said to you. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you now. But I lack courage. I would be unable to voice the words I so dearly want to say, too afraid of your rejection. So instead, I bare them here, on the pages I hold most dear. I am too weak to tell you this face-to-face, but…
I love you.
I love you deeply, whole-heartedly, without hesitation, free of condition.
I have fallen in love with you. The broken boy who has only ever known trouble and strife. Yet the broken boy who managed to put this broken girl back together, at least for a while.
I wasn’t always this broken. As a child, my life was happy. It was endless days of summer and spring. But on one of those days, while playing carefree amongst the daisies, a deep freeze swooped in unannounced, robbing everything bright of its light. Then winter thawed and fall leaves began to sprout. But the sun never fully came back. Days and days would be spent lost in dreary overcast, until… until gradually, sunbeams began to break up the blanket of gray and set forth its healing rays. Those healing rays were you.
For a time, the sun shone every day. Birds would chirp and time would be spent lounging in the heat, content basking in its glow.
But again, the unrelenting winter returned, bringing days of forever night, and with it, all loss of hope.
For the sun would never shine again, and without it, everything withers and dies… until there is nothing, nothing but an empty desert of pain.
We didn’t last. Lord knows we didn’t last. We broke down at the most critical hour, and my heart fragmented into pieces. I have spiraled down a deep, dark well, no hope of rescue.
For a time, with you by my side, I was normal. For a time, with you by my side, I felt beautiful. But that time is up. That time is no more. The last grain of sand has fallen in the hourglass that is my resistance to the voice, and I’m choosing to finally let go.
It happened so gradually that I didn’t even know I was back in the darkness until I lost my way, completely alone, no light to be my guide—no you to lead the way.
