I stared in silence and Lexi blushed. I could see on her face how much she loved my brother. It made me feel uncomfortable. I’d never witnessed that kind of love before and knew one hundred percent that I could never be that important to anybody for as long as I lived.
Lexi sighed. “Axel, if Austin thought you were in any way a danger to me or Levi, you wouldn’t be standing here right now. My Austin trusts you, implicitly, and because I know that my husband will never let me fall, I trust you’ve changed too… I trust the Axel buried deep within you, which has Austin’s love, has finally broken his way to the surface.”
Lexi circled the wedding ring on her finger. Meeting my gaze, she flicked her chin to the upstairs direction. “You better get upstairs and tell him you’re staying. By the sounds of it, he’s already unpacked for you. He’s been saving you a bedroom since we moved in.”
Lexi disappeared into the kitchen and I stayed in the entranceway on my own for a while. Her words ran through my head, and before I even realized it, I was walking up the long spiral staircase and came to a huge hallway with doors leading off in all directions.
Following the hallway to the sound of drawers being pulled open, I couldn’t help but look at the photographs lining the walls: Austin at the draft, dressed in a suit, holding his 49ers shirt, then him this summer signing here at the Seahawks. Levi graduating high school, his stidda missing from his cheek. I felt both a mixture of shame and pride at that. Ashamed he’d ever earned one in the first place, but proud it wasn’t the guy he was now.
I walked farther toward the room, but a picture at the end, bigger than all the rest, made me freeze in my steps.
Mamma.
Mamma, around the same age as Levi was now, singing on stage in Verona.
I don’t know how long I stood there, but when my beard was wet with tears and my feet had grown numb, I knew it’d been a while.
Gutting shame filled my stomach and it almost brought me to my knees.
I’d failed my mamma. She’d asked me—no, begged—me to get straight, save my brothers. Instead, I’d condemned them to gang life while she was trapped on her bed with ALS unable to do anything about it. They’d shot people, dealt drugs… and I’d cheered them on all the way.
“It’s my favorite,” Austin spoke from behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look away from my mamma’s smiling face.
“It was kept in a trunk she had under her bed. I never knew about it. This one, pictures of our grandparents we never met.” Austin paused and came to stand at my side. “Pictures of us all as kids… so many damn pictures.”
I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t.
“She knew you loved her,” Austin said in a hoarse voice as if he knew what was killing me inside.
I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t take any more pain… I couldn’t take speaking of my mamma, looking at her so young and healthy, when my last memory of her was caged in her broken body on her tiny, shitty bed. So I wiped my eyes and turned to Austin.
He looked every bit as broken as I felt.
I opened my mouth to speak, when he cut me off. “You’re staying, Axe. I ain’t letting you leave.”
All I could do was nod.
Sighing deep, I slung my arm around Austin’s neck, and he led me to the biggest bedroom I’d ever seen. I was used to a claustrophobic six-by-eight foot cell. This was a dream.
“Y’all are unpacked.”
“Thanks, kid,” I said quietly as I walked to the window, a window that overlooked a still and silent Lake.
I could feel Austin hovering at the door, could feel his stare on my back. “Just ask, Austin,” I said, not turning around.
I heard the floorboard creak. “Just… just wondering what your plans are, you know, here in Seattle?”
I huffed a silent laugh to myself. What the hell would he say if I told him the real reason I was in Seattle?
“It’s arranged that I’ll be working in some fish market by the waterfront.” I shrugged. “Conditions of my parole. Start tomorrow.”
My kid brother sighed in relief. “I’m proud of you, Axe,” he said, and I could hear the sincerity in his voice. “I’ve still got your old El Camino in my garage. When I moved, I couldn’t bear to see it go. Had it tuned up, repainted and reupholstered.”
My heart dropped knowing he’d done that to my old car. A car, back in the day, I probably looked after more than my family.
When I turned round to thank him, he was gone. As I stared out the window again, I caught sight of the Husky football stadium in the distance and thought back to Levi…
He ain’t no brother of ours. He’s no Carillo. He’s just a fucking loser of an ex-con that’s going nowhere in life, and he’s come here to use you for money and to drag us down too.
There was no fucking hope.
Chapter five
Ally
One week later…
Wiping my brow, I sat, staring at the final wooden crate I’d just opened. It stored the last of the Elpidio sculptures shipped up for the show.
I held my breath as I gently removed the protective packages to reveal the single piece of marble that just destroyed me every time I saw it in a magazine or picture. And that one time I flew miles to see it up close.
As the foam packaging slowly gave way to a smooth white marble, tears filled my eyes. I was actually seeing it in the flesh again. In actuality. In all its devastating perfection.
Lexi sighed. “Axel, if Austin thought you were in any way a danger to me or Levi, you wouldn’t be standing here right now. My Austin trusts you, implicitly, and because I know that my husband will never let me fall, I trust you’ve changed too… I trust the Axel buried deep within you, which has Austin’s love, has finally broken his way to the surface.”
Lexi circled the wedding ring on her finger. Meeting my gaze, she flicked her chin to the upstairs direction. “You better get upstairs and tell him you’re staying. By the sounds of it, he’s already unpacked for you. He’s been saving you a bedroom since we moved in.”
Lexi disappeared into the kitchen and I stayed in the entranceway on my own for a while. Her words ran through my head, and before I even realized it, I was walking up the long spiral staircase and came to a huge hallway with doors leading off in all directions.
Following the hallway to the sound of drawers being pulled open, I couldn’t help but look at the photographs lining the walls: Austin at the draft, dressed in a suit, holding his 49ers shirt, then him this summer signing here at the Seahawks. Levi graduating high school, his stidda missing from his cheek. I felt both a mixture of shame and pride at that. Ashamed he’d ever earned one in the first place, but proud it wasn’t the guy he was now.
I walked farther toward the room, but a picture at the end, bigger than all the rest, made me freeze in my steps.
Mamma.
Mamma, around the same age as Levi was now, singing on stage in Verona.
I don’t know how long I stood there, but when my beard was wet with tears and my feet had grown numb, I knew it’d been a while.
Gutting shame filled my stomach and it almost brought me to my knees.
I’d failed my mamma. She’d asked me—no, begged—me to get straight, save my brothers. Instead, I’d condemned them to gang life while she was trapped on her bed with ALS unable to do anything about it. They’d shot people, dealt drugs… and I’d cheered them on all the way.
“It’s my favorite,” Austin spoke from behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look away from my mamma’s smiling face.
“It was kept in a trunk she had under her bed. I never knew about it. This one, pictures of our grandparents we never met.” Austin paused and came to stand at my side. “Pictures of us all as kids… so many damn pictures.”
I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t.
“She knew you loved her,” Austin said in a hoarse voice as if he knew what was killing me inside.
I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t take any more pain… I couldn’t take speaking of my mamma, looking at her so young and healthy, when my last memory of her was caged in her broken body on her tiny, shitty bed. So I wiped my eyes and turned to Austin.
He looked every bit as broken as I felt.
I opened my mouth to speak, when he cut me off. “You’re staying, Axe. I ain’t letting you leave.”
All I could do was nod.
Sighing deep, I slung my arm around Austin’s neck, and he led me to the biggest bedroom I’d ever seen. I was used to a claustrophobic six-by-eight foot cell. This was a dream.
“Y’all are unpacked.”
“Thanks, kid,” I said quietly as I walked to the window, a window that overlooked a still and silent Lake.
I could feel Austin hovering at the door, could feel his stare on my back. “Just ask, Austin,” I said, not turning around.
I heard the floorboard creak. “Just… just wondering what your plans are, you know, here in Seattle?”
I huffed a silent laugh to myself. What the hell would he say if I told him the real reason I was in Seattle?
“It’s arranged that I’ll be working in some fish market by the waterfront.” I shrugged. “Conditions of my parole. Start tomorrow.”
My kid brother sighed in relief. “I’m proud of you, Axe,” he said, and I could hear the sincerity in his voice. “I’ve still got your old El Camino in my garage. When I moved, I couldn’t bear to see it go. Had it tuned up, repainted and reupholstered.”
My heart dropped knowing he’d done that to my old car. A car, back in the day, I probably looked after more than my family.
When I turned round to thank him, he was gone. As I stared out the window again, I caught sight of the Husky football stadium in the distance and thought back to Levi…
He ain’t no brother of ours. He’s no Carillo. He’s just a fucking loser of an ex-con that’s going nowhere in life, and he’s come here to use you for money and to drag us down too.
There was no fucking hope.
Chapter five
Ally
One week later…
Wiping my brow, I sat, staring at the final wooden crate I’d just opened. It stored the last of the Elpidio sculptures shipped up for the show.
I held my breath as I gently removed the protective packages to reveal the single piece of marble that just destroyed me every time I saw it in a magazine or picture. And that one time I flew miles to see it up close.
As the foam packaging slowly gave way to a smooth white marble, tears filled my eyes. I was actually seeing it in the flesh again. In actuality. In all its devastating perfection.
