I shouldn’t be here.
Walking back toward the door, I headed outside, grabbing my bag off the floor.
“Axe, wait!” Austin shouted, and I reluctantly stopped, shoulders sagging. I just wanted to get the fuck away. I wasn’t welcome no more.
“Axe, what you doing?” Austin asked, coming to stand before me, blocking my path.
“Look, kid, I should have called first and said I got out. I shouldn’t have come here period… I just thought… Fuck, I don’t know… I didn’t think…”
“You thought your brothers would want to see you.”
Keeping my eyes to the ground, I nodded. “Yeah, I should’ve known better. I ruin your lives, don’t speak to you for years, then turn up five years earlier than I should’ve. I get it, kid, I do.”
Austin gripped the strap of my bag and picked it off the floor, causing me to look up. I went to argue, when he lifted his hand and cut me off.
“You get shit, Axe,” he said tightly and glanced back to Lexi, who threw him, then me, a watery smile. Fixing his dark eyes back on mine, he added, “Way I see it, you got out early for doing something good. The Axe I knew always had good in him. He just never made good choices.” Austin slung the bag over his shoulder and headed for the stairs, speaking as he went. “But you coming here straight from prison tells me you’re finally, for the first time in your life, thinking straight.”
Clawing my long hair back from my face, I watched Austin climb the stairs. “Austin, I can get somewhere else to stay. Lev made his feelings ‘bout me damn clear. I ain’t wanted. I don’t wanna be where I ain’t wanted.”
Austin stopped mid-step but kept his focus straightforward. He said nothing for about twenty seconds and the silence was fucking suffocating.
“I’ve missed you, Axe,” he finally said.
A lump clogged my throat as Austin’s voice cracked, and my eyes filled with tears.
“You’re my big brother, Axe. It was always me and you. Lev was too young to get it, but everything fell on you and me as kids… I love you. You’re my blood. And I don’t want you going anywhere without me again.”
Glancing away, unable to see Austin breaking, I suddenly felt Lexi next to me. When I glanced up the stairs, Austin had disappeared leaving his wife and me alone.
“He was crushed when you started refusing his visit requests a few years ago, never explaining the reason why….”
I snapped my head to my right only to see Lexi staring off after Austin, before looking back at me.
“He’s had so much to deal with: your mamma dying, the draft, moving to San Francisco.” Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped at her cheeks. “And me… He had a lot to cope with while I got help… while I got better, which wasn’t an easy road.” Lexi sniffed, laying her hand on my arm.
“Every day he talks about you. Every day he wonders what you’re doing, if you’re safe… if your mamma’s looking over you.”
“Lexi…” I whispered, trailing off as emotion dried my throat. I couldn’t handle imagining Austin taking all that on while I rotted in a damn cell, unable to do shit but wish away my life.
“And he’s been counting down the days ‘til your release so he could be there, at the prison gates, when you got out. He couldn’t wait to bring you home.”
I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled through my nose. “Fuck, Lexi… but Levi—”
“Is still struggling with your mamma’s death. He’s too quiet, keeps everything bottled up.”
“Yeah? Well, he had no problem making his feelings ‘bout me clear enough,” I replied.
“And that’s why you being here is a blessing.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion, and Lexi shrugged. “That’s the most passionate I’ve seen Levi since we were all back in Bama. Five years of keeping everything inside. You’ve just released something within him.”
“Hatred,” I said, feeling the truth of those words deep in my chest.
Lexi squeezed my hand and began to walk away, only looking back to say, “Love. Only the feeling of love would bring that out in Lev. I know him enough to know that. You only hurt the ones you love. I think you being here will force him to confront things he’s tried to bury deep. Having you here will make him have to confront his grief.”
Lexi walked toward the kitchen again, and I asked, “Hey, Lexi?”
She turned and smiled sadly.
“Why aren’t you kicking me out?” I ducked my head in embarrassment. “I threatened you, scared you… Fuck, I wanted to keep you quiet.” Shame, real shame ran through me as I met her eyes. “And I wouldn’t have hesitated to either, if Aust hadn’t stopped me. I… I would have, Lexi. Do you get that? I would’ve hurt you to protect the Heighters.”
Lexi swallowed and I could see a flash of pure fear cross her face. “I know, Axel. I remember your threats just as much as you, and I remember the intent in your eyes as you did so. But I’m working on being stronger, and holding on to hatred will only keep me weak.” Her gaze drifted up the stairs again, where I could hear what sounded like closet doors opening and shutting. “And Austin loves you.”
I frowned.
Lexi noticed. “Austin puts me first. I’m everything to him. I have been for the longest time now. He’s my protector and refuses to let me relapse or be in any kind of danger.”
Walking back toward the door, I headed outside, grabbing my bag off the floor.
“Axe, wait!” Austin shouted, and I reluctantly stopped, shoulders sagging. I just wanted to get the fuck away. I wasn’t welcome no more.
“Axe, what you doing?” Austin asked, coming to stand before me, blocking my path.
“Look, kid, I should have called first and said I got out. I shouldn’t have come here period… I just thought… Fuck, I don’t know… I didn’t think…”
“You thought your brothers would want to see you.”
Keeping my eyes to the ground, I nodded. “Yeah, I should’ve known better. I ruin your lives, don’t speak to you for years, then turn up five years earlier than I should’ve. I get it, kid, I do.”
Austin gripped the strap of my bag and picked it off the floor, causing me to look up. I went to argue, when he lifted his hand and cut me off.
“You get shit, Axe,” he said tightly and glanced back to Lexi, who threw him, then me, a watery smile. Fixing his dark eyes back on mine, he added, “Way I see it, you got out early for doing something good. The Axe I knew always had good in him. He just never made good choices.” Austin slung the bag over his shoulder and headed for the stairs, speaking as he went. “But you coming here straight from prison tells me you’re finally, for the first time in your life, thinking straight.”
Clawing my long hair back from my face, I watched Austin climb the stairs. “Austin, I can get somewhere else to stay. Lev made his feelings ‘bout me damn clear. I ain’t wanted. I don’t wanna be where I ain’t wanted.”
Austin stopped mid-step but kept his focus straightforward. He said nothing for about twenty seconds and the silence was fucking suffocating.
“I’ve missed you, Axe,” he finally said.
A lump clogged my throat as Austin’s voice cracked, and my eyes filled with tears.
“You’re my big brother, Axe. It was always me and you. Lev was too young to get it, but everything fell on you and me as kids… I love you. You’re my blood. And I don’t want you going anywhere without me again.”
Glancing away, unable to see Austin breaking, I suddenly felt Lexi next to me. When I glanced up the stairs, Austin had disappeared leaving his wife and me alone.
“He was crushed when you started refusing his visit requests a few years ago, never explaining the reason why….”
I snapped my head to my right only to see Lexi staring off after Austin, before looking back at me.
“He’s had so much to deal with: your mamma dying, the draft, moving to San Francisco.” Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped at her cheeks. “And me… He had a lot to cope with while I got help… while I got better, which wasn’t an easy road.” Lexi sniffed, laying her hand on my arm.
“Every day he talks about you. Every day he wonders what you’re doing, if you’re safe… if your mamma’s looking over you.”
“Lexi…” I whispered, trailing off as emotion dried my throat. I couldn’t handle imagining Austin taking all that on while I rotted in a damn cell, unable to do shit but wish away my life.
“And he’s been counting down the days ‘til your release so he could be there, at the prison gates, when you got out. He couldn’t wait to bring you home.”
I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled through my nose. “Fuck, Lexi… but Levi—”
“Is still struggling with your mamma’s death. He’s too quiet, keeps everything bottled up.”
“Yeah? Well, he had no problem making his feelings ‘bout me clear enough,” I replied.
“And that’s why you being here is a blessing.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion, and Lexi shrugged. “That’s the most passionate I’ve seen Levi since we were all back in Bama. Five years of keeping everything inside. You’ve just released something within him.”
“Hatred,” I said, feeling the truth of those words deep in my chest.
Lexi squeezed my hand and began to walk away, only looking back to say, “Love. Only the feeling of love would bring that out in Lev. I know him enough to know that. You only hurt the ones you love. I think you being here will force him to confront things he’s tried to bury deep. Having you here will make him have to confront his grief.”
Lexi walked toward the kitchen again, and I asked, “Hey, Lexi?”
She turned and smiled sadly.
“Why aren’t you kicking me out?” I ducked my head in embarrassment. “I threatened you, scared you… Fuck, I wanted to keep you quiet.” Shame, real shame ran through me as I met her eyes. “And I wouldn’t have hesitated to either, if Aust hadn’t stopped me. I… I would have, Lexi. Do you get that? I would’ve hurt you to protect the Heighters.”
Lexi swallowed and I could see a flash of pure fear cross her face. “I know, Axel. I remember your threats just as much as you, and I remember the intent in your eyes as you did so. But I’m working on being stronger, and holding on to hatred will only keep me weak.” Her gaze drifted up the stairs again, where I could hear what sounded like closet doors opening and shutting. “And Austin loves you.”
I frowned.
Lexi noticed. “Austin puts me first. I’m everything to him. I have been for the longest time now. He’s my protector and refuses to let me relapse or be in any kind of danger.”
