“Hi mom,” I said. I watched as her eyes read my lips.
My mom lifted her hand and struggled to sign. “Hi, baby girl.”
I smiled back, but tears built in my eyes when I wondered what would come next for us. My mom, even in her drugged up state, must have realized this as she placed her hand on my cheek and said aloud, “No crying… baby girl.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of my mom’s voice. She hated speaking aloud, as did I, because people only ever made fun of us. But we could talk to each other, free and without fear of mocking. And to me, her voice was beautiful. It was home.
“Come,” my mom said, weakly tapping the bed beside her. Doing as she said, I laid on the pillow-less bed, facing her direction.
Mom smiled at me as she stroked through my hair. Her eyes began to close, her body forcing her to sleep to cope with the drugs. But as with every night before she slept, she placed her hand on my cheek, as I did on hers, and she drew our foreheads together. My mom rarely spoke, instead she struggled by using her messy and mostly incorrect sign language, or through actions that were simply between her and I. Just like this.
I love you.
Our hands on each other’s cheek, and our forehead’s joined, was our ‘I love you’. Needing my mother’s comfort right now, I kept my hand on her face as she fell asleep.
But I never slept. I never slept knowing the landlord would be coming to kick us out.
Which he did two hours later, when we returned to the streets, to the cold and wet and rain, back begging for money, until they took me away.
Took me away and ruined my life…
My eyes rolled open and I lifted my hand to my cheek. For a moment I thought everything had been a dream and I was still on my bed with my mom’s hand holding my cheek. But my palm met my skin and I blinked and blinked as my fuzzy sight cleared.
A white ceiling came into view, and it took me a few seconds for the panic to set in.
Where am I?
My body felt heavy and numb, but I told myself to move. Just as I rolled on the soft bed that I was laid in, the sound of a female voice met my ear. I froze. I heard a female voice. I heard. I racked my foggy brain to recall the last time that I had heard anything. I didn’t know how long it had been since my hearing aid had stopped working, but I knew it was a long time ago.
My heart beat faster and faster, confusion and fear taking a strong hold of my body. Suddenly, someone entered the room.
My breathing was shallow as my eyes slammed to the opening door, only to see a small black-haired woman walk in. When she cast a glance to the bed, she startled at seeing me sitting up. Her hand landed on her chest, and a smile broke out on her face. That smile calmed something within me. She looked kind. She appeared relieved as she looked at me with interest.
“Hello,” she said clearly and slowly. Out of habit, I read her lips as she sounded out the words. The woman edged further into the room, and said, “My name is Lexi. You’re safe. You’re in my home.”
I frowned and looked about the large room. My eyes widened when I saw the expensive furniture against the walls. I nearly gasped as the large window showed a crystal clear view of a river beyond.
A hand landed on my arm, and my head turned in the direction of the woman. “Can you hear me okay?” she asked. I could see the concern on her face.
My hand instinctively lifted to my right ear. I nodded my head when I realized I could hear, better than ever before. I could pick up background noises that I had never heard before. A sudden rush of happiness washed over me, and tears filled my eyes.
I could hear again.
I was no longer trapped in the silence.
“Honey,” the woman said quietly as she sat on the edge of the bed. I stared at her, trying to recognize who she was and why I was here in her home. But she was a stranger to me.
As if hearing my thoughts, she said, “You’re probably a little afraid and confused right now, but there’s no need to be.” I sat back on the bed, feeling too weak to be sitting up straight. Lexi, the woman had said was her name, laid her hand on mine. “My brother-in-law knows you, sweetie. We helped you a few nights ago.” Lexi’s head dipped. “You’re sick, honey. You have pneumonia.” Fear ran through me, but she quickly offered assurance. “You’ve been on medication and you’re responding perfectly to it. You’ve been in and out of consciousness for the past few days.” Her face wore the kind smile again. “It makes me real happy to see you up and awake.”
I took a deep breath absorbing all that she was saying. I lifted my hand to my ear again, but this time, I held the woman’s eyes and pointed to the aid. Lexi nodded her head.
“When the doctor examined you, he discovered your old hearing aid. It was broken beyond repair, but we got you a new one. The doctor told us you should have eighty percent hearing in your right ear now. He thought the last one only gave you about forty, if that.”
That was why I could hear more. This woman, this woman who had cared for me, had given me back my sound. She had, in turn, given me back the world.
Laying my hand on my chest, I lowered my head in thanks. The woman, seeming to understand my action, squeezed my hand. “No need to thank me, honey, it was all Levi.”
My head snapped up at the mention of that name. The woman jumped, startled by my reaction. “You okay?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to ask her questions, but she was a stranger. I couldn’t... I just couldn’t talk to strangers. I couldn’t let them hear my voice.
I closed my mouth, when Lexi’s head tipped to the side. “Honey, can you speak?” she asked. I paused wondering if she would make fun of my voice.
Speak, dumbfuck. Speak. Let her hear that horrible sound. She knows you can… but it’s embarrassing, isn’t it, dumbfuck? Your ugly as fuck voice is as stupid as you. Ugly and fucking dumb.
My body stiffened as I heard the echo of Annabelle’s taunts in my head. Heard her mocking laughter and dilapidating words circle my mind, and my body froze with fear.
Too afraid to open myself up to judgment, I shook my head, no. I couldn’t speak. I wouldn’t ever speak again.
Looking around me, I searched for the pen and paper I always kept with me, but I couldn’t see it. “What are you looking for, honey?” Lexi asked.
Lifting up my hand, I mimed using a pen and paper. Lexi lifted her hand and walked to a dresser at the back of the room. She opened a drawer and brought over a pen and notepad.
Shaking my hand to relax my tense muscles, I took the pen and wrote, “Levi? The boy from the alley?”
I held up the pad of paper to Lexi and she nodded her head. “Yes, sweetie. I’m married to his brother. Levi lives here too, but in the pool house across the backyard.” I stretched my neck up to see the building Lexi was pointing too, and a flush of warmth filled my chest. Levi. Levi Carillo had helped me. He had saved me. Even when I’d pushed him away.
Feeling Lexi watching me, my cheeks warmed and I wrote, “I don’t remember much.” I paused, a memory of me lying in strong arms filled my mind. Strong arms, bright gray eyes, and full lips that told me I was safe.
My cheeks burned brighter and I dropped the pen, not willing to share this intimate memory with Lexi. It was just for me.
Lexi shuffled forward, and asked, “What’s your name, honey?”
My mom lifted her hand and struggled to sign. “Hi, baby girl.”
I smiled back, but tears built in my eyes when I wondered what would come next for us. My mom, even in her drugged up state, must have realized this as she placed her hand on my cheek and said aloud, “No crying… baby girl.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of my mom’s voice. She hated speaking aloud, as did I, because people only ever made fun of us. But we could talk to each other, free and without fear of mocking. And to me, her voice was beautiful. It was home.
“Come,” my mom said, weakly tapping the bed beside her. Doing as she said, I laid on the pillow-less bed, facing her direction.
Mom smiled at me as she stroked through my hair. Her eyes began to close, her body forcing her to sleep to cope with the drugs. But as with every night before she slept, she placed her hand on my cheek, as I did on hers, and she drew our foreheads together. My mom rarely spoke, instead she struggled by using her messy and mostly incorrect sign language, or through actions that were simply between her and I. Just like this.
I love you.
Our hands on each other’s cheek, and our forehead’s joined, was our ‘I love you’. Needing my mother’s comfort right now, I kept my hand on her face as she fell asleep.
But I never slept. I never slept knowing the landlord would be coming to kick us out.
Which he did two hours later, when we returned to the streets, to the cold and wet and rain, back begging for money, until they took me away.
Took me away and ruined my life…
My eyes rolled open and I lifted my hand to my cheek. For a moment I thought everything had been a dream and I was still on my bed with my mom’s hand holding my cheek. But my palm met my skin and I blinked and blinked as my fuzzy sight cleared.
A white ceiling came into view, and it took me a few seconds for the panic to set in.
Where am I?
My body felt heavy and numb, but I told myself to move. Just as I rolled on the soft bed that I was laid in, the sound of a female voice met my ear. I froze. I heard a female voice. I heard. I racked my foggy brain to recall the last time that I had heard anything. I didn’t know how long it had been since my hearing aid had stopped working, but I knew it was a long time ago.
My heart beat faster and faster, confusion and fear taking a strong hold of my body. Suddenly, someone entered the room.
My breathing was shallow as my eyes slammed to the opening door, only to see a small black-haired woman walk in. When she cast a glance to the bed, she startled at seeing me sitting up. Her hand landed on her chest, and a smile broke out on her face. That smile calmed something within me. She looked kind. She appeared relieved as she looked at me with interest.
“Hello,” she said clearly and slowly. Out of habit, I read her lips as she sounded out the words. The woman edged further into the room, and said, “My name is Lexi. You’re safe. You’re in my home.”
I frowned and looked about the large room. My eyes widened when I saw the expensive furniture against the walls. I nearly gasped as the large window showed a crystal clear view of a river beyond.
A hand landed on my arm, and my head turned in the direction of the woman. “Can you hear me okay?” she asked. I could see the concern on her face.
My hand instinctively lifted to my right ear. I nodded my head when I realized I could hear, better than ever before. I could pick up background noises that I had never heard before. A sudden rush of happiness washed over me, and tears filled my eyes.
I could hear again.
I was no longer trapped in the silence.
“Honey,” the woman said quietly as she sat on the edge of the bed. I stared at her, trying to recognize who she was and why I was here in her home. But she was a stranger to me.
As if hearing my thoughts, she said, “You’re probably a little afraid and confused right now, but there’s no need to be.” I sat back on the bed, feeling too weak to be sitting up straight. Lexi, the woman had said was her name, laid her hand on mine. “My brother-in-law knows you, sweetie. We helped you a few nights ago.” Lexi’s head dipped. “You’re sick, honey. You have pneumonia.” Fear ran through me, but she quickly offered assurance. “You’ve been on medication and you’re responding perfectly to it. You’ve been in and out of consciousness for the past few days.” Her face wore the kind smile again. “It makes me real happy to see you up and awake.”
I took a deep breath absorbing all that she was saying. I lifted my hand to my ear again, but this time, I held the woman’s eyes and pointed to the aid. Lexi nodded her head.
“When the doctor examined you, he discovered your old hearing aid. It was broken beyond repair, but we got you a new one. The doctor told us you should have eighty percent hearing in your right ear now. He thought the last one only gave you about forty, if that.”
That was why I could hear more. This woman, this woman who had cared for me, had given me back my sound. She had, in turn, given me back the world.
Laying my hand on my chest, I lowered my head in thanks. The woman, seeming to understand my action, squeezed my hand. “No need to thank me, honey, it was all Levi.”
My head snapped up at the mention of that name. The woman jumped, startled by my reaction. “You okay?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to ask her questions, but she was a stranger. I couldn’t... I just couldn’t talk to strangers. I couldn’t let them hear my voice.
I closed my mouth, when Lexi’s head tipped to the side. “Honey, can you speak?” she asked. I paused wondering if she would make fun of my voice.
Speak, dumbfuck. Speak. Let her hear that horrible sound. She knows you can… but it’s embarrassing, isn’t it, dumbfuck? Your ugly as fuck voice is as stupid as you. Ugly and fucking dumb.
My body stiffened as I heard the echo of Annabelle’s taunts in my head. Heard her mocking laughter and dilapidating words circle my mind, and my body froze with fear.
Too afraid to open myself up to judgment, I shook my head, no. I couldn’t speak. I wouldn’t ever speak again.
Looking around me, I searched for the pen and paper I always kept with me, but I couldn’t see it. “What are you looking for, honey?” Lexi asked.
Lifting up my hand, I mimed using a pen and paper. Lexi lifted her hand and walked to a dresser at the back of the room. She opened a drawer and brought over a pen and notepad.
Shaking my hand to relax my tense muscles, I took the pen and wrote, “Levi? The boy from the alley?”
I held up the pad of paper to Lexi and she nodded her head. “Yes, sweetie. I’m married to his brother. Levi lives here too, but in the pool house across the backyard.” I stretched my neck up to see the building Lexi was pointing too, and a flush of warmth filled my chest. Levi. Levi Carillo had helped me. He had saved me. Even when I’d pushed him away.
Feeling Lexi watching me, my cheeks warmed and I wrote, “I don’t remember much.” I paused, a memory of me lying in strong arms filled my mind. Strong arms, bright gray eyes, and full lips that told me I was safe.
My cheeks burned brighter and I dropped the pen, not willing to share this intimate memory with Lexi. It was just for me.
Lexi shuffled forward, and asked, “What’s your name, honey?”
