I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure—
“It’ll be just us when we get there. We… can be alone, away from the crowds.” The gentleness of his voice soothed my panic, his acceptance of my behavior meant I would happily follow him anywhere.
Apprehension crept over Levi’s face, and I couldn’t bear it. After everything he had done for me, I wanted to see nothing but happiness on his face.
Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and nodded my head. Levi exhaled a long sigh of relief. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against mine. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. But he didn’t, he simply said, “It’s okay.”
The tension in my chest lifted in an instant. Two words, two simple everyday words rescued me from dark thoughts; spoken by the sweetest boy I’d ever met.
In silence, Levi took my hand and led me to the monorail that swept us back to the city. With every passing minute daylight faded. I kept tight hold of Levi, until we again headed toward the waterfront. Suddenly, a huge Ferris wheel hove into view, and I allowed excitement to trickle through my veins. I’d never been on one before, though I’d seen them, envying the kids whose parents took them to the fair.
Squeezing my hand, Levi led me to the front of the line after he paid. The man working the wheel took us to a pod and shut the door for us. Levi sat beside me and slipped his fingers through mine. I stared out of the glass and the wheel began to move.
My stomach flipped as we began to ascend. I was mesmerized by the forest of colored lights, gradually becoming overawed by the unfolding scene the higher we rose. I felt Levi shifting on his seat beside me. I cast a subtle glance in his direction. When I did, he was looking out the opposite side of the pod. His knee was bouncing up and down. His free hand was tapping on his thigh. I had seen many sides of Levi since I had met him—shy, timid, kind and soft—but right now he was frustrated, a side of him that was new.
I turned away, worried at what I’d done wrong, when Levi suddenly dropped to his knees before me, startling me. His face wore a serious expression, but I could see his nerves bubbling underneath. That scared more than ever.
He looked distraught.
He looked defeated and troubled.
I hated seeing him this way.
Lifting my hand, I pressed it to his cheek. Levi never seemed to shave, his olive skin always wearing a light spread of stubble. As soon as my palm touched his skin, his eyes closed and he nuzzled my hand. It made me breathless seeing him this way. When his hand reached up to lay over mine, my heart seemed to crack right down the middle.
I shuffled forward. His eyes snapped open, searing into mine. Before I could do anything else to soothe him, he brokenly said, “I’m scared of being alone.” I froze as those words left his lips. “I’m scared to let anyone in, because every time I do, they seem to leave or let me down.” He swallowed hard, and rasped, “I fight everyday trying to be normal, it was my biggest wish, to be able to speak to people with ease, but I’m tired. I’d given up thinking anyone out there was like me, who I could talk to without fear… until I met you.” I paused in breathing, then real panic took hold when he revealed, “Now, my biggest wish is to hear you speak. To say anything.”
Levi’s request caused the blood to drain from my face. The pod stilled, swinging in the wind, and I fidgeted on my seat.
I wanted to get out. I needed to get out, but I was trapped. Desperate for space, I tried to move back on my seat, but Levi held tight, refusing to let me go.
“I get it,” he whispered softly. Pain sliced through my heart at the sadness in his tone. He was disappointed. I concentrated on breathing when he said, “I wouldn’t ever judge you. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to speak, I’d be ready to listen. I’m waiting to listen. I… I told you my biggest fears because I think this is yours. I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, that I have crippling fears too.” I shook my head, pure panic keeping me still. Levi inched closer. Removing my hand from his face he held it to his chest.
Over his heart.
“I don’t know why you don’t speak, you might not want to say. But I like you, Elsie. I more than like you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to.” He took a deep breath. “And I’d love to know you more.” He shook his head, his gaze softening just a touch. “I’ve read your words on paper, Elsie. And your poem slayed me.” He paused. I watched his beautiful face redden as he searched for words to say. His free hand raked through his fair hair, and his heart raced under my hand. “I’d love to hear some words from your lips too.” I hated seeing him so torn. I hated seeing him so upset, struggling with baring his soul, to explain why he wanted me to speak.
Hide your voice, baby girl. Protect your heart…
My mom’s words circled my head, taunting me and stealing my voice. She’d warned me all my life that people would make fun. She’d warned me that they’d laugh, that I’d always be misunderstood.
And she was right. Unbearably right.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the scars on my wrists itched as though awakened by my dark thoughts. Whether I wanted to or not, the painful memories flooded my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. Annabelle’s vicious ghost took the reins…
Creeping into the room, I prayed she was asleep. The lights were off as I snuck toward my bed, but before I reached it, a hard hand pushed me back against the wall. I cried out silently as my back hit the wall, and Annabelle’s narrowed eyes bored into mine.
“So you do speak?” she said tauntingly and I closed my eyes to escape the bitterness in her stare. I didn’t reply, too ashamed that she’d heard me speak, heard me speak when I was made to by the house leader at dinner. Made to speak in front of all the girls in the house, the girls that had been hurting me for weeks and weeks.
Annabelle’s fingers cut into the skin of my arms until my eyes snapped open and she smiled. I stared at her cruel smile and felt all the blood drain from my face. “At least I know why you choose to write down your questions and notes, dumbfuck, because your voice is pathetic. I wouldn’t speak either if I sounded like you. If my voice sounded as stupid and as embarrassing as that.”
Hot tears scalded my eyes, threatening to fall, but I pushed them back. Annabelle laughed again, then let me go. I caught my breath as she moved back to her bed. I stayed against the wall as she lifted the comforter over her body and rolled toward the wall.
Making my shaking legs move, I began going to my bed, when she said, “Don’t speak around me again. Your voice cuts through me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound. For a minute, I wished I was deaf when you opened your retarded mouth and spoke.”
This time, unable to keep them held back, my tears streamed down my face. But Annabelle never saw as I crawled into my bed. Crawled into my bed and buried my head in my pillow. I let my sadness flow out, because I knew that tomorrow she’d start all over again. Tearing me apart, strip by strip, inch by inch, piece by piece…
Levi took me from the memory when he dropped his forehead to mine. The minute I felt his touch, he helped me breathe, slowly freeing my mind of the echoes of their taunts.
“It’ll be just us when we get there. We… can be alone, away from the crowds.” The gentleness of his voice soothed my panic, his acceptance of my behavior meant I would happily follow him anywhere.
Apprehension crept over Levi’s face, and I couldn’t bear it. After everything he had done for me, I wanted to see nothing but happiness on his face.
Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and nodded my head. Levi exhaled a long sigh of relief. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against mine. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. But he didn’t, he simply said, “It’s okay.”
The tension in my chest lifted in an instant. Two words, two simple everyday words rescued me from dark thoughts; spoken by the sweetest boy I’d ever met.
In silence, Levi took my hand and led me to the monorail that swept us back to the city. With every passing minute daylight faded. I kept tight hold of Levi, until we again headed toward the waterfront. Suddenly, a huge Ferris wheel hove into view, and I allowed excitement to trickle through my veins. I’d never been on one before, though I’d seen them, envying the kids whose parents took them to the fair.
Squeezing my hand, Levi led me to the front of the line after he paid. The man working the wheel took us to a pod and shut the door for us. Levi sat beside me and slipped his fingers through mine. I stared out of the glass and the wheel began to move.
My stomach flipped as we began to ascend. I was mesmerized by the forest of colored lights, gradually becoming overawed by the unfolding scene the higher we rose. I felt Levi shifting on his seat beside me. I cast a subtle glance in his direction. When I did, he was looking out the opposite side of the pod. His knee was bouncing up and down. His free hand was tapping on his thigh. I had seen many sides of Levi since I had met him—shy, timid, kind and soft—but right now he was frustrated, a side of him that was new.
I turned away, worried at what I’d done wrong, when Levi suddenly dropped to his knees before me, startling me. His face wore a serious expression, but I could see his nerves bubbling underneath. That scared more than ever.
He looked distraught.
He looked defeated and troubled.
I hated seeing him this way.
Lifting my hand, I pressed it to his cheek. Levi never seemed to shave, his olive skin always wearing a light spread of stubble. As soon as my palm touched his skin, his eyes closed and he nuzzled my hand. It made me breathless seeing him this way. When his hand reached up to lay over mine, my heart seemed to crack right down the middle.
I shuffled forward. His eyes snapped open, searing into mine. Before I could do anything else to soothe him, he brokenly said, “I’m scared of being alone.” I froze as those words left his lips. “I’m scared to let anyone in, because every time I do, they seem to leave or let me down.” He swallowed hard, and rasped, “I fight everyday trying to be normal, it was my biggest wish, to be able to speak to people with ease, but I’m tired. I’d given up thinking anyone out there was like me, who I could talk to without fear… until I met you.” I paused in breathing, then real panic took hold when he revealed, “Now, my biggest wish is to hear you speak. To say anything.”
Levi’s request caused the blood to drain from my face. The pod stilled, swinging in the wind, and I fidgeted on my seat.
I wanted to get out. I needed to get out, but I was trapped. Desperate for space, I tried to move back on my seat, but Levi held tight, refusing to let me go.
“I get it,” he whispered softly. Pain sliced through my heart at the sadness in his tone. He was disappointed. I concentrated on breathing when he said, “I wouldn’t ever judge you. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to speak, I’d be ready to listen. I’m waiting to listen. I… I told you my biggest fears because I think this is yours. I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, that I have crippling fears too.” I shook my head, pure panic keeping me still. Levi inched closer. Removing my hand from his face he held it to his chest.
Over his heart.
“I don’t know why you don’t speak, you might not want to say. But I like you, Elsie. I more than like you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to.” He took a deep breath. “And I’d love to know you more.” He shook his head, his gaze softening just a touch. “I’ve read your words on paper, Elsie. And your poem slayed me.” He paused. I watched his beautiful face redden as he searched for words to say. His free hand raked through his fair hair, and his heart raced under my hand. “I’d love to hear some words from your lips too.” I hated seeing him so torn. I hated seeing him so upset, struggling with baring his soul, to explain why he wanted me to speak.
Hide your voice, baby girl. Protect your heart…
My mom’s words circled my head, taunting me and stealing my voice. She’d warned me all my life that people would make fun. She’d warned me that they’d laugh, that I’d always be misunderstood.
And she was right. Unbearably right.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the scars on my wrists itched as though awakened by my dark thoughts. Whether I wanted to or not, the painful memories flooded my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. Annabelle’s vicious ghost took the reins…
Creeping into the room, I prayed she was asleep. The lights were off as I snuck toward my bed, but before I reached it, a hard hand pushed me back against the wall. I cried out silently as my back hit the wall, and Annabelle’s narrowed eyes bored into mine.
“So you do speak?” she said tauntingly and I closed my eyes to escape the bitterness in her stare. I didn’t reply, too ashamed that she’d heard me speak, heard me speak when I was made to by the house leader at dinner. Made to speak in front of all the girls in the house, the girls that had been hurting me for weeks and weeks.
Annabelle’s fingers cut into the skin of my arms until my eyes snapped open and she smiled. I stared at her cruel smile and felt all the blood drain from my face. “At least I know why you choose to write down your questions and notes, dumbfuck, because your voice is pathetic. I wouldn’t speak either if I sounded like you. If my voice sounded as stupid and as embarrassing as that.”
Hot tears scalded my eyes, threatening to fall, but I pushed them back. Annabelle laughed again, then let me go. I caught my breath as she moved back to her bed. I stayed against the wall as she lifted the comforter over her body and rolled toward the wall.
Making my shaking legs move, I began going to my bed, when she said, “Don’t speak around me again. Your voice cuts through me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound. For a minute, I wished I was deaf when you opened your retarded mouth and spoke.”
This time, unable to keep them held back, my tears streamed down my face. But Annabelle never saw as I crawled into my bed. Crawled into my bed and buried my head in my pillow. I let my sadness flow out, because I knew that tomorrow she’d start all over again. Tearing me apart, strip by strip, inch by inch, piece by piece…
Levi took me from the memory when he dropped his forehead to mine. The minute I felt his touch, he helped me breathe, slowly freeing my mind of the echoes of their taunts.
