“Yeah,” I rasped, remembering her telling me how Annabelle cornered her, imitated her and laughed in her face.
“Do you think her voice is different? Elsie’s, when she speaks?” I shifted in my seat. I could feel Austin’s eyes narrow.
“She does sound different, Lev, that’s a fact. But fuck, it ain’t nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not too prominent. And even if it was, who the fuck cares?” Austin paused. “Why? You think it is bad?”
“No!” I snapped, anger filling me. “I don’t hear it. I don’t see what people picked on her for. And at our age too. I never thought people did all the bullying crap past high school.”
“I think you can be bullied at any age, Lev. Age don’t have nothing to do with insecure fuckholes picking on others to make themselves feel better.”
I shook my head. “I just don’t hear her voice being different. I love it. I love nothing more than hearing her laugh, and speak… to say my name aloud.”
“It’s because you love her, Lev. You don’t see her imperfections, and if you do, you love her more for them.”
“I…I…” I stuttered, my face blazing with heat.
“It’s okay, kid,” Austin said quietly. “It’s okay to admit that you love her. It’s okay to open yourself up to allow yourself to love. You’ve fought getting close to anyone for too long. Elsie fucking smashed through that wall.” He huffed. “Funny for someone so timid and shy, for someone who doesn’t make a sound, to finally plow through your heart.” I stayed quiet, my heart beating too fast.
“I just want her back and safe. I ain’t sure I know what life looks like anymore without her in it.”
Austin’s hand landed on my arm as I parked up near the alley. “We’ll get her. Just see.”
Austin paid the meter as I ran into the alley, my feet pushing pavement, my eyes searching every inch. Hope sprung in my chest when I saw someone hunched at the far corner. “Elsie!” I called and picked up speed.
I heard Austin enter the alley, and I crouched down, recognizing the blankets I’d bought her. “Elsie,” I called again, placing my hand on the body. The person’s arm flinched and they woke up, an old man’s face looking up at me through fearful eyes.
I jumped back, standing straight with my hands in the air. “Sorry,” I apologized. “Have you seen a young girl, nineteen, with blonde hair in this alley?”
“Fuck off,” the man grumbled. I closed my eyes, losing faith, having no idea where else she would go. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out some cash and laid it before the man. He snatched it in his hands and I walked away, Austin shaking his head.
“She isn’t here?”
“No,” I replied, leaving the alley and running my gaze over the busy street. “I have no idea where she might have gone.”
“You brought her out for the day a while back, yeah?” Austin questioned.
“Yeah, we went all over Seattle.”
“Then we’ll retrace your path. Maybe she’s following those footsteps?” Austin stood before me. “It’s worth looking, Lev. Let’s just keep looking for your girl.”
I nodded my head, deciding to start at the original Starbucks. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t at the boat cruise, she wasn’t at the space needle. She wasn’t at the Ferris wheel, or the Italian restaurant, or even the poetry coffee shop. We searched for hours, until darkness set in and anywhere I thought she could have gone had been exhausted.
With nowhere else to go, I drove the Jeep home in total silence. I was tired and aching from trudging around the city, but more than that, I was devastated, devastated because I knew in my heart that she’d gone. But worst of all, I didn’t know if she’d simply ran away, or whether she’d done something worse, something I couldn’t save her from. I pictured the scars on her wrists and I couldn’t breathe.
What would I do if she’d finally gone through with it?
I pulled to a stop outside of the house and Austin went to speak. I met my brother’s dark worried gaze and I shook my head. “Don’t,” I rasped. “I just can’t, Aust.”
Austin sighed and ran his hand down his face as I got out of the car and walked through the back gate. I prayed on the final bead on my rosary that she was sat on the bed, waiting for me. When I opened the door there was nothing here.
Just darkness.
No lights were on in the room, but I looked up and the plastic stars were shining, but not the jar, not Elsie’s light. I was drowning, fucking drowning in worry.
In pain.
After staring at that bare side table, the missing damn stupid glow stick splattered jar, I turned on my heel and needed to get the hell away. I ran. I sprinted as fast as I could to my Jeep, ignoring the sound of Austin yelling from the front door, ignoring my cell when he tried to call.
I had one place I wanted to be. The only place I ever felt at peace.
It took twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and the start of rain to reach the warehouse. Keeping the rosary in my hand, I entered the warehouse, walking straight to the angel and ripped off the sheet. My breath hitched as it always did when I saw her glowing face, the side of the angel where she had risen from the ashes.
Tears pricked my eyes and I held up my rosary to her face. “Ciao, Mamma,” I said, my voice too loud in the huge room. “I got your rosary with me,” I went on and ran the beads through her marble fingers. I sucked in a deep breath and slumped to the floor, my back resting against her legs.
I inhaled, and fighting my emotion, said, “I found her, Mamma.” I sighed and looked up at my mamma’s happy angel face. “The one you always said I would, the girl you wanted for me. I found her.”
I closed my eyes, my memories taking me back to that day in the trailer, the day when the thunder and lightning had me running into mamma’s room…
… You are different from Austin and Axel. They are alike in so many ways—hot headed and tough, hard on the outside until they let you in. You are the timid one, the gentle brother—inside and out. You are the one to carry his heart on his sleeve. You are the one who watches silently from afar and loves with all his soul… Whoever you end up with, my son, whoever claims your heart, will be a very special girl indeed… So much love, mia luna. You will love with your whole being, and it will be forever. You could not love in any other way…
I allowed the tears to roll down my cheeks as the memory played like a movie in my mind. And I replayed my response. The response I thought would be true, my young self not knowing what bumpy road lay ahead…
And you’ll meet her, Mamma. You’ll love her too. Yeah? You will love the one I marry too. She’ll be like a daughter to you. And she’ll love you too…
“She did,” I whispered to my mamma in the empty room. “She came here and met you, Mamma. And she loved you. She held your cheek and she loved you, I could see it in her eyes.” I smiled a weak smile. “You would have loved her too. You’d have loved her so much, my silent girl. Bella mia.”
I blinked through the blur of my tears, and looked up at my mamma’s face. I gripped my rosary tightly and asked, “Why does everyone leave me, Mamma? Why does everything have to be so hard? For everyone? Why did we have to have the pop we did? Why did you have to get sick? Why did Axel have to go to prison? Why did Lexi nearly die? Why did Austin have to look after me when he was practically a kid himself? And why did I not get to know you like my brothers did? Why did you get taken away before I truly knew you, and you knew me?” My tears poured down my face. “And why did my Elsie get her shitty life? Because she’s perfect, Mamma. So beautiful. She’s been through so much, yet she has the kindest sweetest heart I’ve ever known. But those girls tore her down. How can anyone tear anyone so fragile down? My Elsie, my girl?” My throat clogged and I hushed out, “And why did she leave me? Where has she gone? I… I love her, Mamma. So much. I love her so much…”
“Do you think her voice is different? Elsie’s, when she speaks?” I shifted in my seat. I could feel Austin’s eyes narrow.
“She does sound different, Lev, that’s a fact. But fuck, it ain’t nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not too prominent. And even if it was, who the fuck cares?” Austin paused. “Why? You think it is bad?”
“No!” I snapped, anger filling me. “I don’t hear it. I don’t see what people picked on her for. And at our age too. I never thought people did all the bullying crap past high school.”
“I think you can be bullied at any age, Lev. Age don’t have nothing to do with insecure fuckholes picking on others to make themselves feel better.”
I shook my head. “I just don’t hear her voice being different. I love it. I love nothing more than hearing her laugh, and speak… to say my name aloud.”
“It’s because you love her, Lev. You don’t see her imperfections, and if you do, you love her more for them.”
“I…I…” I stuttered, my face blazing with heat.
“It’s okay, kid,” Austin said quietly. “It’s okay to admit that you love her. It’s okay to open yourself up to allow yourself to love. You’ve fought getting close to anyone for too long. Elsie fucking smashed through that wall.” He huffed. “Funny for someone so timid and shy, for someone who doesn’t make a sound, to finally plow through your heart.” I stayed quiet, my heart beating too fast.
“I just want her back and safe. I ain’t sure I know what life looks like anymore without her in it.”
Austin’s hand landed on my arm as I parked up near the alley. “We’ll get her. Just see.”
Austin paid the meter as I ran into the alley, my feet pushing pavement, my eyes searching every inch. Hope sprung in my chest when I saw someone hunched at the far corner. “Elsie!” I called and picked up speed.
I heard Austin enter the alley, and I crouched down, recognizing the blankets I’d bought her. “Elsie,” I called again, placing my hand on the body. The person’s arm flinched and they woke up, an old man’s face looking up at me through fearful eyes.
I jumped back, standing straight with my hands in the air. “Sorry,” I apologized. “Have you seen a young girl, nineteen, with blonde hair in this alley?”
“Fuck off,” the man grumbled. I closed my eyes, losing faith, having no idea where else she would go. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out some cash and laid it before the man. He snatched it in his hands and I walked away, Austin shaking his head.
“She isn’t here?”
“No,” I replied, leaving the alley and running my gaze over the busy street. “I have no idea where she might have gone.”
“You brought her out for the day a while back, yeah?” Austin questioned.
“Yeah, we went all over Seattle.”
“Then we’ll retrace your path. Maybe she’s following those footsteps?” Austin stood before me. “It’s worth looking, Lev. Let’s just keep looking for your girl.”
I nodded my head, deciding to start at the original Starbucks. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t at the boat cruise, she wasn’t at the space needle. She wasn’t at the Ferris wheel, or the Italian restaurant, or even the poetry coffee shop. We searched for hours, until darkness set in and anywhere I thought she could have gone had been exhausted.
With nowhere else to go, I drove the Jeep home in total silence. I was tired and aching from trudging around the city, but more than that, I was devastated, devastated because I knew in my heart that she’d gone. But worst of all, I didn’t know if she’d simply ran away, or whether she’d done something worse, something I couldn’t save her from. I pictured the scars on her wrists and I couldn’t breathe.
What would I do if she’d finally gone through with it?
I pulled to a stop outside of the house and Austin went to speak. I met my brother’s dark worried gaze and I shook my head. “Don’t,” I rasped. “I just can’t, Aust.”
Austin sighed and ran his hand down his face as I got out of the car and walked through the back gate. I prayed on the final bead on my rosary that she was sat on the bed, waiting for me. When I opened the door there was nothing here.
Just darkness.
No lights were on in the room, but I looked up and the plastic stars were shining, but not the jar, not Elsie’s light. I was drowning, fucking drowning in worry.
In pain.
After staring at that bare side table, the missing damn stupid glow stick splattered jar, I turned on my heel and needed to get the hell away. I ran. I sprinted as fast as I could to my Jeep, ignoring the sound of Austin yelling from the front door, ignoring my cell when he tried to call.
I had one place I wanted to be. The only place I ever felt at peace.
It took twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and the start of rain to reach the warehouse. Keeping the rosary in my hand, I entered the warehouse, walking straight to the angel and ripped off the sheet. My breath hitched as it always did when I saw her glowing face, the side of the angel where she had risen from the ashes.
Tears pricked my eyes and I held up my rosary to her face. “Ciao, Mamma,” I said, my voice too loud in the huge room. “I got your rosary with me,” I went on and ran the beads through her marble fingers. I sucked in a deep breath and slumped to the floor, my back resting against her legs.
I inhaled, and fighting my emotion, said, “I found her, Mamma.” I sighed and looked up at my mamma’s happy angel face. “The one you always said I would, the girl you wanted for me. I found her.”
I closed my eyes, my memories taking me back to that day in the trailer, the day when the thunder and lightning had me running into mamma’s room…
… You are different from Austin and Axel. They are alike in so many ways—hot headed and tough, hard on the outside until they let you in. You are the timid one, the gentle brother—inside and out. You are the one to carry his heart on his sleeve. You are the one who watches silently from afar and loves with all his soul… Whoever you end up with, my son, whoever claims your heart, will be a very special girl indeed… So much love, mia luna. You will love with your whole being, and it will be forever. You could not love in any other way…
I allowed the tears to roll down my cheeks as the memory played like a movie in my mind. And I replayed my response. The response I thought would be true, my young self not knowing what bumpy road lay ahead…
And you’ll meet her, Mamma. You’ll love her too. Yeah? You will love the one I marry too. She’ll be like a daughter to you. And she’ll love you too…
“She did,” I whispered to my mamma in the empty room. “She came here and met you, Mamma. And she loved you. She held your cheek and she loved you, I could see it in her eyes.” I smiled a weak smile. “You would have loved her too. You’d have loved her so much, my silent girl. Bella mia.”
I blinked through the blur of my tears, and looked up at my mamma’s face. I gripped my rosary tightly and asked, “Why does everyone leave me, Mamma? Why does everything have to be so hard? For everyone? Why did we have to have the pop we did? Why did you have to get sick? Why did Axel have to go to prison? Why did Lexi nearly die? Why did Austin have to look after me when he was practically a kid himself? And why did I not get to know you like my brothers did? Why did you get taken away before I truly knew you, and you knew me?” My tears poured down my face. “And why did my Elsie get her shitty life? Because she’s perfect, Mamma. So beautiful. She’s been through so much, yet she has the kindest sweetest heart I’ve ever known. But those girls tore her down. How can anyone tear anyone so fragile down? My Elsie, my girl?” My throat clogged and I hushed out, “And why did she leave me? Where has she gone? I… I love her, Mamma. So much. I love her so much…”
