I dropped my head and brought the rosary to my bowed head, praying and praying that she’d be safe.
I didn’t hear the shuffle of feet until two people sat beside me. I wiped at my eyes, only to see Austin and Axel sat on my either side.
My face heated with embarrassment at what they might have heard, at seeing me fall apart. But they didn’t say anything. Austin rested his head back against the angel and I suddenly found myself against Axel’s chest, his big hand on my head as he pressed a kiss into my hair.
I tried to pull back, but he held me still. My big brother wasn’t letting me go. Letting it all out, I fisted his sweater and fucking broke apart. Axel’s arms held tight, and nothing was said as I purged everything I’d held back for years. All the damn pain. But most of all, the heartbreak that was killing me at Elsie being gone.
When my eyes ached and my throat burned, I turned my head, breathing in the cool air, and said in a croaky voice, “Thanks, Axe.”
Axel dropped another kiss on my head. “I heard you, Lev. We both did, and let me tell you something now, kid, the best days of your life are in front of you, you just gotta wade through the shit to get there first.”
Axel’s words soothed something inside, but I said, “She’s gone, Axe. I don’t know where the hell she is.”
“So you’re gonna give up?”
I sat up straighter, pulling back from Axel’s chest. “No, I ain’t giving up, but where do I go from here?”
Austin’s hand landed on my bent knee, when I saw something on the floor before us. My heart swelled seeing that pretty face staring back at me. I turned to Axel. “You finished it,” I stated, taken back by the realism, by the perfect likeness.
“Today,” Axel said. “Came over to give you it, and as I did, I saw you ripping outta the driveway.” Axel pointed at Austin. “Aust told me what happened with little Els, and I knew where we’d find you.”
I closed my eyes and breathed though my nose. When I opened my eyes, I said, “It’s the only place that calms me down when I lose it. I… I copied one of your keys a while back.”
Axel nodded, but said, “I get it, Lev, I do. But this ain’t Mamma, those rosary beads ain’t Mamma. You gotta start living right, not in the past, not making these tributes, these possessions, a shrine to all that you’ve lost. You gotta move past the grief, Lev. Mamma would want you to live. All she ever wanted was for us all to be happy.”
“I can’t move on, I’ve tried,” I rasped. “I’m sick of everyone leaving me. Mamma, you, now Elsie. She’s gone and I feel like I can’t breathe at the thought of where she is and what’s happened to her.”
“Then find her,” Axel said as though I hadn’t been looking for her all day.
“We’ve been everywhere we can think of, Axe,” Austin answered for me. “She wasn’t anywhere.”
“She’s somewhere, everyone goes somewhere when their broken,” Axe said and looked to me. “You’re here, kid, with this sculpture of Mamma, where you always come. Where would Elsie go? Where does she feel most calm?”
I shook my head, having no idea, when I caught sight of the marble sculpture Axel had just finished and I straightened.
“I think I know where she’ll be,” I said, and jumped to my feet. I reached into my pocket for my keys, and looked back at my brothers. “I gotta go and get her.”
Axe smirked and got to his feet too. He pulled me into his chest, and said into my ear, “You may not be exactly like me and Aust, Lev, but you’re still a fucking Carillo. You fucking rise when the moment counts. Go get your girl.”
“Thanks, Axe,” I rasped, then hugged Austin too.
Axel reached down for the sculpture. “I’ll take this back to Austin’s place.”
I turned to go, when Austin asked, “So where do you think she’ll be?”
I flicked my eyes up to the statue of the angel and replied, “Portland.”
I left the warehouse, my heart pumping with adrenaline. I called Lexi from my car, her worried voice answering on the second ring. “Levi? You okay, sweetie?”
“I’m okay, Lex, or I will be. I need a favor.”
“Okay?” she answered dubiously.
“I need you to look up Joanie Hall. It’s Elsie’s mom.”
“Okay, Joanie Hall. And what am I looking for?”
“Where she’s buried,” I said, pulling my car out onto the main road, the direction: Portland, Oregon.
* * * * *
It took me three hours to arrive at the cemetery. The traffic was hell due to road works and the rain that had poured. I parked up my car and looked out over the huge graveyard, the only light coming from a few garden solar lanterns placed around the entrance.
The gate at the front was locked, but the wall was low and I climbed over, the cold wind whipping around the leafless trees. I looked out over the mass of gravestones, but couldn’t see anything. I sighed, realizing this wouldn’t be as easy as I thought. But I knew Elsie had to be here. Her mom was the only home she’d ever had. If she was broken, if she needed to get away, she’d come here. I was sure of it.
I followed my feet down row after row of graves, scanning the row that came next, hoping to see a flash of blond hair. But the darkness was thick. The cemetery was completely silent, so quiet that I could hear the sound of my feet crunching on the cold grass.
I walked for over an hour, only to turn to another field of graves. I dropped my head, thinking it was an impossible task, when I saw something to my left, far in the distance. I squinted my eyes to try and make out what it was, when the breath fell from my lungs seeing it was a dull neon glow. It was way across the plots, a tiny spec from this far away, but it was there, like a tiny lightning bug, a lamp guiding me forward.
I followed the glow of the light through the dark trees and old graves, until it became brighter, until my heart slammed in my chest and my body relaxed with relief seeing that homemade lightning bug jar sitting on top of a simple black grave… a slim body laying down on the grass beside it. I saw her body rising up and down, and my heart swelled seeing that she was wearing my hoodie, the neck pulled up to her nose.
Walking as quietly as possible, I edged around the grave and sat down on the opposite side of the headstone, taking the jar in my hand. The noise of the glass scratching on the headstone or the shift of light caused Elsie’s eyes to dart open. I saw the flash of fear cross her face before her pretty blue eyes focused on me, then the jar in my hands.
Seeing she was watching me, I held the jar between my hands and said, “I’ll have to take you someplace to make a real one of these someday. Real fireflies to make a real lightning bug jar.”
“Levi,” Elsie whispered brokenly, and without looking to her face, I knew there were tears in her eyes.
“I’ll take y’all back to Bama one day in July someday. We can go to the woods and we can collect them for real.” I smiled still focusing on the jar. “It’ll be fun. You’ll love it.”
I traced the splash of the recently spilled glow stick liquid with my finger, when Elsie’s gloved hand landed over mine. I stilled, but didn’t look up.
“How did you find me?” she asked, and I smiled a small smile.
I didn’t hear the shuffle of feet until two people sat beside me. I wiped at my eyes, only to see Austin and Axel sat on my either side.
My face heated with embarrassment at what they might have heard, at seeing me fall apart. But they didn’t say anything. Austin rested his head back against the angel and I suddenly found myself against Axel’s chest, his big hand on my head as he pressed a kiss into my hair.
I tried to pull back, but he held me still. My big brother wasn’t letting me go. Letting it all out, I fisted his sweater and fucking broke apart. Axel’s arms held tight, and nothing was said as I purged everything I’d held back for years. All the damn pain. But most of all, the heartbreak that was killing me at Elsie being gone.
When my eyes ached and my throat burned, I turned my head, breathing in the cool air, and said in a croaky voice, “Thanks, Axe.”
Axel dropped another kiss on my head. “I heard you, Lev. We both did, and let me tell you something now, kid, the best days of your life are in front of you, you just gotta wade through the shit to get there first.”
Axel’s words soothed something inside, but I said, “She’s gone, Axe. I don’t know where the hell she is.”
“So you’re gonna give up?”
I sat up straighter, pulling back from Axel’s chest. “No, I ain’t giving up, but where do I go from here?”
Austin’s hand landed on my bent knee, when I saw something on the floor before us. My heart swelled seeing that pretty face staring back at me. I turned to Axel. “You finished it,” I stated, taken back by the realism, by the perfect likeness.
“Today,” Axel said. “Came over to give you it, and as I did, I saw you ripping outta the driveway.” Axel pointed at Austin. “Aust told me what happened with little Els, and I knew where we’d find you.”
I closed my eyes and breathed though my nose. When I opened my eyes, I said, “It’s the only place that calms me down when I lose it. I… I copied one of your keys a while back.”
Axel nodded, but said, “I get it, Lev, I do. But this ain’t Mamma, those rosary beads ain’t Mamma. You gotta start living right, not in the past, not making these tributes, these possessions, a shrine to all that you’ve lost. You gotta move past the grief, Lev. Mamma would want you to live. All she ever wanted was for us all to be happy.”
“I can’t move on, I’ve tried,” I rasped. “I’m sick of everyone leaving me. Mamma, you, now Elsie. She’s gone and I feel like I can’t breathe at the thought of where she is and what’s happened to her.”
“Then find her,” Axel said as though I hadn’t been looking for her all day.
“We’ve been everywhere we can think of, Axe,” Austin answered for me. “She wasn’t anywhere.”
“She’s somewhere, everyone goes somewhere when their broken,” Axe said and looked to me. “You’re here, kid, with this sculpture of Mamma, where you always come. Where would Elsie go? Where does she feel most calm?”
I shook my head, having no idea, when I caught sight of the marble sculpture Axel had just finished and I straightened.
“I think I know where she’ll be,” I said, and jumped to my feet. I reached into my pocket for my keys, and looked back at my brothers. “I gotta go and get her.”
Axe smirked and got to his feet too. He pulled me into his chest, and said into my ear, “You may not be exactly like me and Aust, Lev, but you’re still a fucking Carillo. You fucking rise when the moment counts. Go get your girl.”
“Thanks, Axe,” I rasped, then hugged Austin too.
Axel reached down for the sculpture. “I’ll take this back to Austin’s place.”
I turned to go, when Austin asked, “So where do you think she’ll be?”
I flicked my eyes up to the statue of the angel and replied, “Portland.”
I left the warehouse, my heart pumping with adrenaline. I called Lexi from my car, her worried voice answering on the second ring. “Levi? You okay, sweetie?”
“I’m okay, Lex, or I will be. I need a favor.”
“Okay?” she answered dubiously.
“I need you to look up Joanie Hall. It’s Elsie’s mom.”
“Okay, Joanie Hall. And what am I looking for?”
“Where she’s buried,” I said, pulling my car out onto the main road, the direction: Portland, Oregon.
* * * * *
It took me three hours to arrive at the cemetery. The traffic was hell due to road works and the rain that had poured. I parked up my car and looked out over the huge graveyard, the only light coming from a few garden solar lanterns placed around the entrance.
The gate at the front was locked, but the wall was low and I climbed over, the cold wind whipping around the leafless trees. I looked out over the mass of gravestones, but couldn’t see anything. I sighed, realizing this wouldn’t be as easy as I thought. But I knew Elsie had to be here. Her mom was the only home she’d ever had. If she was broken, if she needed to get away, she’d come here. I was sure of it.
I followed my feet down row after row of graves, scanning the row that came next, hoping to see a flash of blond hair. But the darkness was thick. The cemetery was completely silent, so quiet that I could hear the sound of my feet crunching on the cold grass.
I walked for over an hour, only to turn to another field of graves. I dropped my head, thinking it was an impossible task, when I saw something to my left, far in the distance. I squinted my eyes to try and make out what it was, when the breath fell from my lungs seeing it was a dull neon glow. It was way across the plots, a tiny spec from this far away, but it was there, like a tiny lightning bug, a lamp guiding me forward.
I followed the glow of the light through the dark trees and old graves, until it became brighter, until my heart slammed in my chest and my body relaxed with relief seeing that homemade lightning bug jar sitting on top of a simple black grave… a slim body laying down on the grass beside it. I saw her body rising up and down, and my heart swelled seeing that she was wearing my hoodie, the neck pulled up to her nose.
Walking as quietly as possible, I edged around the grave and sat down on the opposite side of the headstone, taking the jar in my hand. The noise of the glass scratching on the headstone or the shift of light caused Elsie’s eyes to dart open. I saw the flash of fear cross her face before her pretty blue eyes focused on me, then the jar in my hands.
Seeing she was watching me, I held the jar between my hands and said, “I’ll have to take you someplace to make a real one of these someday. Real fireflies to make a real lightning bug jar.”
“Levi,” Elsie whispered brokenly, and without looking to her face, I knew there were tears in her eyes.
“I’ll take y’all back to Bama one day in July someday. We can go to the woods and we can collect them for real.” I smiled still focusing on the jar. “It’ll be fun. You’ll love it.”
I traced the splash of the recently spilled glow stick liquid with my finger, when Elsie’s gloved hand landed over mine. I stilled, but didn’t look up.
“How did you find me?” she asked, and I smiled a small smile.
