“You need to come home, Hays. It’s West. He’s taking the fight.”
* * *
West Young broke up with me in a deal he made with his father. He was to leave the life he built behind and his dad would have paid for my college tuition. I briefly close my eyes. Stupid boy. Stupid, insanely sweet, going to get his ass kicked by me, stupid boy and I’m in love with him and West lied to me knowing I’d never agree.
He’s right. I wouldn’t have and I wonder how he thought I would have accepted the money, but none of that matters now.
Sitting on a bench outside the bus station, I grip the backpack hanging between my bouncing knees. It’s full of my clothes and the few precious items I won’t be separated with. When our house foreclosed, I had boxes and boxes of stuff I claimed as important. Funny how priorities change.
In the space in front of me, the bus’s motor purrs. Mom and I left a half hour ago, leaving a note for Dad. Maggie’s curled up on the bench beside mine, sound asleep and cradling her American Girl doll. The early morning air nips at my skin and I rub at the forming goose bumps.
Mom exits the office, sits on the bench next to me and lays the ticket on my lap. “Tell your grandfather I’m now trusting him with over half of my heart. It was hard enough to leave Kaden and Jax behind. Now the scale is completely imbalanced.”
Guilt eats at me as I handle the ticket. It was cheap, but it’s still money we don’t have. But Mom agreed. Returning for me is necessary. My knees continue to bounce as a chaotic ticker crosses my mind: I’m leaving my parents... I’m leaving my mom.
“Will you promise me something?” she asks.
“Sure.” Anything.
“Don’t listen to the lie in your head keeping you from discussing what happened with you and Matt. Speaking out takes courage, but fear can make a compelling argument. I’m not saying it will be easy, but telling the truth gives you power...It sets you free.”
I nod, unable to say anything back. I can’t imagine saying the words out loud, but I can’t imagine living like this forever.
“Are you going back for West?” she asks.
“Yes... No...” The answer is both, but I say the simple truth. “I’m doing this for me.”
“Good. You’re a strong girl. Please don’t forget that.”
But I don’t feel strong. A huge part of me wants to crawl onto my mother’s lap and cling to her for dear life. All those years of holding her hand, the squeeze of her fingers stopping me when I attempted to cross the street before looking, the glances of approval, the hug after a hard day...her gentle presence in my life... I’m willingly leaving it behind.
My throat tightens. “What if I’m not ready to be on my own?”
“You’ve been on your own for a while and you’re just now figuring it out. You’ll always be my baby, Haley, just like I’ll always be your mom.”
She wraps her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. When I was younger, my mom read to me every night. Back in our old home, back when life was simpler. She snuggled in my bed and brought peace and security. “Why did it have to change?”
“I don’t know,” she whispers. “But it did and all we can do is go forward.”
“I’m trying.” Air is harder to inhale. “But how do I walk away from you?”
“You aren’t walking away, baby. You’re growing up. But remember, I don’t care if you’re eighty and I’m a hundred and thirteen. I will always hold you, I will always love you and I will always be right here.”
Chapter 78
West
I straddle a chair as John wraps the yellow strip of material across my hand. An official watches us in the corner to make sure John stays within regulation. He pulls each new layer taut and concentrates like he’s performing surgery. Outside the crowd roars and there’s no mistaking the anger. They hate it when the match goes to the floor. Matt and I are the last amateur fight on the card and the waiting is slowly killing me.
“She trained you well.” John never mentions Haley by name. It’s as if saying her name creates pain. Part of me wants to tell him I understand. “Stick with the combinations she taught you, keep up your guard and keep your emotions in check.”
The wrap is new and John applies it tighter than what I’m used to, but without the gloves, I’m going to need firm. I swallow, thinking how Haley tried to warn me off this. The realness and heaviness of the situation sinks in. The moment I enter the cage, I might as well be dodging traffic on a busy interstate.
The only solace I have is if the fight does go in the wrong direction that I’m doing what needs to be done. I’m not a man because I’m walking into the cage. I’m a man because I’m standing up for Haley and myself. No more relying on my parents and their money. No more letting a past I can’t control dictate my choices and future. No more being a child.
I called Mom an hour ago and told her I loved her and I told her to tell Dad the same thing. I made peace with her as she cried and, somehow, I found peace within myself. My lone regret is not being able to hold Haley again and whisper to her those three precious words.
The door to the small room at the convention hotel opens and Jax in full Mohawk mode strolls in. “After this fight, you’re on deck.”
John finishes with the wraps and slips his hands into the practice pads. “It’s time to warm up.”
The official pulls the cap off a black marker with his teeth and signs his name over my wraps. I’m regulation, not illegal, and one step closer to the cage.
After practicing with gloves, my hands feel na**d and vulnerable. John holds up the pads and I widen my stance. Attempting to ignore the nerves, I blow out air. I could kid myself and say this is all for Haley, but this is also for me.
* * *
John stands in front of me and I’m flanked by Jax and Kaden. Behind the door to the hotel convention center, I sport hand wraps, a cup and a pair of wrestling shorts. I swing my arms, trying to keep them loose though tension begins to build in my neck.
Doing a bad job parroting a real MMA announcer, the master of ceremonies comes off like a sleazy carnival gamer as he advertises my weight and city.
Jax pops his head to the right and opens the door as my name is called. “Let’s do this.”
The crowd screams and whistles when I hit the floor and stalk toward the octagon cage in the middle. I notice everyone, yet I notice no one. All of it is flashes of color and movement. Music pounds through the speakers, and, in a moment of clarity, I recognize the song.
* * *
West Young broke up with me in a deal he made with his father. He was to leave the life he built behind and his dad would have paid for my college tuition. I briefly close my eyes. Stupid boy. Stupid, insanely sweet, going to get his ass kicked by me, stupid boy and I’m in love with him and West lied to me knowing I’d never agree.
He’s right. I wouldn’t have and I wonder how he thought I would have accepted the money, but none of that matters now.
Sitting on a bench outside the bus station, I grip the backpack hanging between my bouncing knees. It’s full of my clothes and the few precious items I won’t be separated with. When our house foreclosed, I had boxes and boxes of stuff I claimed as important. Funny how priorities change.
In the space in front of me, the bus’s motor purrs. Mom and I left a half hour ago, leaving a note for Dad. Maggie’s curled up on the bench beside mine, sound asleep and cradling her American Girl doll. The early morning air nips at my skin and I rub at the forming goose bumps.
Mom exits the office, sits on the bench next to me and lays the ticket on my lap. “Tell your grandfather I’m now trusting him with over half of my heart. It was hard enough to leave Kaden and Jax behind. Now the scale is completely imbalanced.”
Guilt eats at me as I handle the ticket. It was cheap, but it’s still money we don’t have. But Mom agreed. Returning for me is necessary. My knees continue to bounce as a chaotic ticker crosses my mind: I’m leaving my parents... I’m leaving my mom.
“Will you promise me something?” she asks.
“Sure.” Anything.
“Don’t listen to the lie in your head keeping you from discussing what happened with you and Matt. Speaking out takes courage, but fear can make a compelling argument. I’m not saying it will be easy, but telling the truth gives you power...It sets you free.”
I nod, unable to say anything back. I can’t imagine saying the words out loud, but I can’t imagine living like this forever.
“Are you going back for West?” she asks.
“Yes... No...” The answer is both, but I say the simple truth. “I’m doing this for me.”
“Good. You’re a strong girl. Please don’t forget that.”
But I don’t feel strong. A huge part of me wants to crawl onto my mother’s lap and cling to her for dear life. All those years of holding her hand, the squeeze of her fingers stopping me when I attempted to cross the street before looking, the glances of approval, the hug after a hard day...her gentle presence in my life... I’m willingly leaving it behind.
My throat tightens. “What if I’m not ready to be on my own?”
“You’ve been on your own for a while and you’re just now figuring it out. You’ll always be my baby, Haley, just like I’ll always be your mom.”
She wraps her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. When I was younger, my mom read to me every night. Back in our old home, back when life was simpler. She snuggled in my bed and brought peace and security. “Why did it have to change?”
“I don’t know,” she whispers. “But it did and all we can do is go forward.”
“I’m trying.” Air is harder to inhale. “But how do I walk away from you?”
“You aren’t walking away, baby. You’re growing up. But remember, I don’t care if you’re eighty and I’m a hundred and thirteen. I will always hold you, I will always love you and I will always be right here.”
Chapter 78
West
I straddle a chair as John wraps the yellow strip of material across my hand. An official watches us in the corner to make sure John stays within regulation. He pulls each new layer taut and concentrates like he’s performing surgery. Outside the crowd roars and there’s no mistaking the anger. They hate it when the match goes to the floor. Matt and I are the last amateur fight on the card and the waiting is slowly killing me.
“She trained you well.” John never mentions Haley by name. It’s as if saying her name creates pain. Part of me wants to tell him I understand. “Stick with the combinations she taught you, keep up your guard and keep your emotions in check.”
The wrap is new and John applies it tighter than what I’m used to, but without the gloves, I’m going to need firm. I swallow, thinking how Haley tried to warn me off this. The realness and heaviness of the situation sinks in. The moment I enter the cage, I might as well be dodging traffic on a busy interstate.
The only solace I have is if the fight does go in the wrong direction that I’m doing what needs to be done. I’m not a man because I’m walking into the cage. I’m a man because I’m standing up for Haley and myself. No more relying on my parents and their money. No more letting a past I can’t control dictate my choices and future. No more being a child.
I called Mom an hour ago and told her I loved her and I told her to tell Dad the same thing. I made peace with her as she cried and, somehow, I found peace within myself. My lone regret is not being able to hold Haley again and whisper to her those three precious words.
The door to the small room at the convention hotel opens and Jax in full Mohawk mode strolls in. “After this fight, you’re on deck.”
John finishes with the wraps and slips his hands into the practice pads. “It’s time to warm up.”
The official pulls the cap off a black marker with his teeth and signs his name over my wraps. I’m regulation, not illegal, and one step closer to the cage.
After practicing with gloves, my hands feel na**d and vulnerable. John holds up the pads and I widen my stance. Attempting to ignore the nerves, I blow out air. I could kid myself and say this is all for Haley, but this is also for me.
* * *
John stands in front of me and I’m flanked by Jax and Kaden. Behind the door to the hotel convention center, I sport hand wraps, a cup and a pair of wrestling shorts. I swing my arms, trying to keep them loose though tension begins to build in my neck.
Doing a bad job parroting a real MMA announcer, the master of ceremonies comes off like a sleazy carnival gamer as he advertises my weight and city.
Jax pops his head to the right and opens the door as my name is called. “Let’s do this.”
The crowd screams and whistles when I hit the floor and stalk toward the octagon cage in the middle. I notice everyone, yet I notice no one. All of it is flashes of color and movement. Music pounds through the speakers, and, in a moment of clarity, I recognize the song.
