The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Page 104
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This time I was certain that pain crossed the old mans face. It gave me a moments satisfaction, though no more than that. The war was lost; this skirmish meant nothing in the grand scale of things. I would die. And while my death would fulfill the desires of so manymy parents, the Enefadeh, myselfI could not face it in such clinical terms. My heart was full of fear.
In spite of myself I turned and looked at the Enefadeh, ranged behind me. Kurue would not meet my eyes, but Zhakkarn did, and she gave me a respectful nod. Sieh: he uttered a soft feline croon that was no less anguished for its inhumanity. I felt tears sting my eyes. Foolishness. Even if I werent destined to die today, I would be only a hiccup in his endless life. And I was the one who was dying, yet I would miss him terribly.
Finally I looked at Nahadoth, who had hunkered down on one knee behind me, framed by the gray cloud-chains. Of course they would force him to kneel, here in Itempass place. But it was me he watched, and not the brightening eastern sky. I had expected his expression to be impassive, but it was not. Shame and sorrow and a rage that had shattered planets were in his eyes, along with other emotions too unnerving to name.
Could I trust what I saw? Did I dare? After all, he would soon be powerful again. What did it cost him to pretend love now and thus motivate me to follow through with their plan?
I lowered my eyes, pained. I had been in Sky so long that I no longer trusted even myself.
I did not kill your mother, Dekarta said.
I started and turned to him. Hed spoken so softly that for a moment I thought Id misheard. What?
I didnt kill her. I would never have killed her. If she had not hated me I would have begged her to return to Sky, even bring you along. To my shock, I saw wetness on Dekartas cheeks; he was crying. And glaring at me through his tears. I would even have tried to love you, for her sake.
Grandfather, said Scimina; her tone bordered on the insolent, practically vibrating with impatience. While I can appreciate your kindness toward our cousin
Be silent, Dekarta snarled at her. His diamond-pale eyes fixed on her so sharply that she actually flinched. You dont know how close I came to killing you when I heard of Kinneths death.
Scimina went stiff, echoing Dekartas own posture. Predictably she did not obey his order. That would have been your privilege, Grandfather. But I had no part in Kinneths death; I paid no attention to her or this mongrel daughter of hers. I dont even know why you chose her as todays sacrifice.
To see if she was a true Arameri, Dekarta said very softly. His eyes drifted back to mine. It took three full heartbeats for me to realize what he meant, and the blood drained from my face as I did.
You thought I killed her, I whispered. Father of All, you honestly believed that.
Murdering those we love best is a long tradition in our family, Dekarta said.
* * *
Beyond us, the eastern sky had grown very bright.
* * *
I spluttered. It took me several tries to muster a coherent sentence through my fury, and when I did it was in Darre. I only realized it when Dekarta looked more confused than offended by my curses. I am not Arameri! I finished, fists clenched at my sides. You eat your own young, you feed on suffering, like monsters out of some ancient tale! I will never be one of you in anything but blood, and if I could burn that out of myself I would!
Perhaps you arent one of us, Dekarta said. Now I see that you are innocent, and by killing you I only destroy what remains of her. There is a part of me which regrets this. But I will not lie, Granddaughter. There is another part of me that will rejoice in your death. You took her from me. She left Sky to be with your father, and to raise you.
Do you wonder why? I gestured around the glass chamber, at gods and blood relatives come to watch me die. You killed her mother. What did you think she would do, get over it?
For the first time since I had met him, there was a flicker of humanity in Dekartas sad, self-deprecating smile. I suppose I did. Foolish of me, wasnt it?
I could not help it; I echoed his smile. Yes, Grandfather. It was.
Viraine touched Dekartas shoulder then. A patch of gold had grown against the eastern horizon, bright and warning. Dawn was coming. The time for confessions had passed.
Dekarta nodded, then gazed at me for a long, silent moment before speaking. Im sorry, he said very softly. An apology that covered many transgressions. We must begin.
* * *
Even then, I did not say what I believed. I did not point at Viraine and name him my mothers killer. There was still time. I could have asked Dekarta to see to him before completing the succession, as a last tribute to Kinneths memory. I dont know why I didntNo. I do. I think in that moment, vengeance and answers ceased to have meaning for me. What difference would it make to know why my mother had died? She would still be dead. What good did it do me to punish her killer? I would be dead, too. Would any of this give meaning to my death, or hers?
In spite of myself I turned and looked at the Enefadeh, ranged behind me. Kurue would not meet my eyes, but Zhakkarn did, and she gave me a respectful nod. Sieh: he uttered a soft feline croon that was no less anguished for its inhumanity. I felt tears sting my eyes. Foolishness. Even if I werent destined to die today, I would be only a hiccup in his endless life. And I was the one who was dying, yet I would miss him terribly.
Finally I looked at Nahadoth, who had hunkered down on one knee behind me, framed by the gray cloud-chains. Of course they would force him to kneel, here in Itempass place. But it was me he watched, and not the brightening eastern sky. I had expected his expression to be impassive, but it was not. Shame and sorrow and a rage that had shattered planets were in his eyes, along with other emotions too unnerving to name.
Could I trust what I saw? Did I dare? After all, he would soon be powerful again. What did it cost him to pretend love now and thus motivate me to follow through with their plan?
I lowered my eyes, pained. I had been in Sky so long that I no longer trusted even myself.
I did not kill your mother, Dekarta said.
I started and turned to him. Hed spoken so softly that for a moment I thought Id misheard. What?
I didnt kill her. I would never have killed her. If she had not hated me I would have begged her to return to Sky, even bring you along. To my shock, I saw wetness on Dekartas cheeks; he was crying. And glaring at me through his tears. I would even have tried to love you, for her sake.
Grandfather, said Scimina; her tone bordered on the insolent, practically vibrating with impatience. While I can appreciate your kindness toward our cousin
Be silent, Dekarta snarled at her. His diamond-pale eyes fixed on her so sharply that she actually flinched. You dont know how close I came to killing you when I heard of Kinneths death.
Scimina went stiff, echoing Dekartas own posture. Predictably she did not obey his order. That would have been your privilege, Grandfather. But I had no part in Kinneths death; I paid no attention to her or this mongrel daughter of hers. I dont even know why you chose her as todays sacrifice.
To see if she was a true Arameri, Dekarta said very softly. His eyes drifted back to mine. It took three full heartbeats for me to realize what he meant, and the blood drained from my face as I did.
You thought I killed her, I whispered. Father of All, you honestly believed that.
Murdering those we love best is a long tradition in our family, Dekarta said.
* * *
Beyond us, the eastern sky had grown very bright.
* * *
I spluttered. It took me several tries to muster a coherent sentence through my fury, and when I did it was in Darre. I only realized it when Dekarta looked more confused than offended by my curses. I am not Arameri! I finished, fists clenched at my sides. You eat your own young, you feed on suffering, like monsters out of some ancient tale! I will never be one of you in anything but blood, and if I could burn that out of myself I would!
Perhaps you arent one of us, Dekarta said. Now I see that you are innocent, and by killing you I only destroy what remains of her. There is a part of me which regrets this. But I will not lie, Granddaughter. There is another part of me that will rejoice in your death. You took her from me. She left Sky to be with your father, and to raise you.
Do you wonder why? I gestured around the glass chamber, at gods and blood relatives come to watch me die. You killed her mother. What did you think she would do, get over it?
For the first time since I had met him, there was a flicker of humanity in Dekartas sad, self-deprecating smile. I suppose I did. Foolish of me, wasnt it?
I could not help it; I echoed his smile. Yes, Grandfather. It was.
Viraine touched Dekartas shoulder then. A patch of gold had grown against the eastern horizon, bright and warning. Dawn was coming. The time for confessions had passed.
Dekarta nodded, then gazed at me for a long, silent moment before speaking. Im sorry, he said very softly. An apology that covered many transgressions. We must begin.
* * *
Even then, I did not say what I believed. I did not point at Viraine and name him my mothers killer. There was still time. I could have asked Dekarta to see to him before completing the succession, as a last tribute to Kinneths memory. I dont know why I didntNo. I do. I think in that moment, vengeance and answers ceased to have meaning for me. What difference would it make to know why my mother had died? She would still be dead. What good did it do me to punish her killer? I would be dead, too. Would any of this give meaning to my death, or hers?
