Author: Robyn Carr
“Yes, that’s her. Thank you.”
Cee Jay seemed to be studying the menu until he neared, then she looked up and dazzled him with a stunning smile. Oh, you think I don’t remember? he thought. It cut through him. That beautiful young girl who once loved him, there she was. She’d been new at school and it hadn’t taken her long to single him out and even though she was much younger, to him she was the epitome of beauty and innocence. He fell in love with her immediately. A year later she was pregnant and he was married. And everything about his life changed.
She stood and by the lift of her arms, she intended to embrace him. He quickly put out a hand, indicating she should take a seat. She did so with a laugh. “Well, that was awkward.”
The waitress was there instantly. Something about a police uniform usually produced service right away. He was very uncomfortable sitting with his back to the room but tried to tell himself he wouldn’t be here too long and the casino had security. Still, even though he had no reason to expect trouble of any kind, his hand rested on his thigh, near his gun.
“Just coffee for me,” he told the waitress.
“I’ll start with a coffee,” Cee Jay said.
When the waitress had gone, Mac said, “Nice hotel.”
“It’s the nicest one in the general area. How did you find me?” she asked.
He lifted a brow. “I looked.”
“That doesn’t quite answer the question.”
“I know. So, what’s your game?”
“I beg your pardon.” She was indignant. She stiffened.
“What do you play?” he asked.
She seemed to be undecided whether to answer. “I just dabble,” she said, visibly tense.
“Cee Jay, I know everything. So, what do you dabble in?”
“Penny ante,” she said with a shrug, meeting his eyes dead on. She’d been through this before. She could pass a lie detector and he knew it. It scared him, as a matter of fact.
“I don’t think so,” he replied, shaking his head. “It appears you’re having some bad luck.”
“Not much.” She shrugged. “Just lately. It’s just for fun, anyway. I’m actually ahead.”
He might not know anything about gambling per se but one thing he knew, gamblers always claimed to win. Always. And they rarely did. Big fancy casinos and casino resorts were not built on charity. “Is that right? Good for you. So, what does this have to do with us? Me and the kids?”
“I thought...” Her voice trailed off. “I told you. I thought maybe we could reconnect.”
“There’s more to it than that,” he said.
She just shook her head. “Those years we were together—they were very hard, Mac. Very hard. And I didn’t really have the tools to deal with what I’d taken on—I was a young fool. So I ran. But I kept looking back to those years, difficult though they were, and realized that was one of the few times in my life I felt safe and loved. I started to regret leaving almost immediately.”
“Yet you didn’t even call to ask how the kids were?”
She lifted her chin. “I was determined to improve myself in some way before getting in touch. I never brought anything to the table. I wanted to bring something. I thought I could contribute in some way, be valuable. Valuable enough to be welcomed back.”
He frowned slightly and leaned toward her slightly. “What the hell happened to you, Cee Jay? What happened that made you feel being the mother of our children wasn’t enough?”
“It was just more work and greater deprivation than I could—”
But he was shaking his head. “What happened in your childhood to make you think you had to have more? Be more? I want to understand, but I just don’t get it. You said you felt safe and loved. Did the fancy car and jewelry make you feel safer? More loved?”
She let a huff of laughter escape just as two cups of coffee and cream were delivered to the table. Mac noticed her eyes had welled with tears but he couldn’t trust that they were real.
“Growing up wasn’t pretty,” she finally said. “I was raised by a single mother who had four kids by four men. She moved us every time the rent was overdue, virtually ignored us and left us on our own to raise ourselves. I lived in dingy little apartments and motel rooms—there wasn’t always food and we picked through scrap piles for clothes. I was molested when I was small, abandoned all the time, hungry most of the time, missed whole months of school and was always terrified. When I was eleven the four of us were split up into four different foster homes and I was moved every year. When I met you all I wanted was a family and a home.”
He was silent. Was this some story concocted to get his sympathy? How could he spend seven years with a woman and never know any of these details? It could be as simple as young men don’t ask, or a young man working day and night never thought about the details, or as complicated as Cee Jay making up a story that would get her a second chance.
“And yet you would leave that family and home?” he asked.
“It doesn’t make sense, I realize that now. But I wanted things. We had a family and a house, but I was still scared all the time. Afraid of being abandoned, of turning into my mother—a young woman with a passel of kids and no money and no husband and no way to take care of them or myself. In hindsight...” She gave a wave of her hand.
Actually, it did make sense if it was true, Mac thought. Abused children often grew up to abuse their own children, so this history could explain a lot. But that didn’t make it right. “Well, it appears you have what you needed. Money. Security. And don’t worry, you’re pretty and know how to flirt. You’ll find another husband.”
“Well, except that I’ve had a little setback recently. Nothing serious, but it kind of showed me how much I’d left behind when I left you and the kids and I hoped we could start to know each other again. You know—see if it was as big a mistake for you as it was for me. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I had to try.”
He just shook his head. “I told you, I have someone now. It’s serious. Besides, you’ll do all right.”
“I have some debt to clear,” she said.
“Cee Jay, I know about the house, the cars, the alimony, which incidentally was acquired fraudulently. You’ve gone through a fortune.”
“Well, a person with my upbringing doesn’t really know how to manage all that and it didn’t take long before I mismanaged it. And lost it.” She shrugged and looked away. “Bad investments, being taken advantage of by con artists, lots of things I just wasn’t prepared to handle....”
“No, Cee Jay, you gambled it away. The house was free and clear and you borrowed against it. Millions. So, cash in a couple of rings and sell the car....”
She scowled at him. “The car isn’t mine and the rings are fake.”
He looked at them with lifted brows. He’d never have known the difference. “Good fakes. And where’s the car? It’s not here.”
“It went away,” she said sourly.
“And Madeline? Aka Antoinette?”
“Upstairs,” she said.
“You must have a very unique relationship,” he muttered. Partners in crime, he thought.
“We have similar backgrounds,” she said. “We can trust each other.”
He immediately thought he knew how to learn more about that. He could spend a lot of time investigating. He might look into Cee Jay’s childhood if only to know if she was lying or telling the truth, but he couldn’t care less about her girlfriend. And if what Cee Jay told him was meant to explain her adult behavior, his kids were safe from that kind of legacy. They hadn’t been treated that way.
“Where did you grow up, Cee Jay? You always said it was Oregon.”
She nodded. “I didn’t know what I was walking away from, but I was unstable. Damaged. I haven’t had a real happy day since.”
“Poor Mr. Raines will be heartbroken to hear that.”
She laughed. “Poor Mr. Raines is a penny-pinching, mean-hearted old man! I wouldn’t have gotten anything in the divorce except for the prenup! I got exactly what was outlined—a house, car and limited alimony. He blows more than that in a weekend.”
Mac leaned toward her. He lowered his voice. “Cee Jay, you weren’t legally married. You didn’t deserve anything at all, except maybe jail.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever look for me. I signed those divorce and custody papers because of Raines. I was trapped. I know, I know—I did it to myself. But still... I meant what I said, Mac. I missed the kids. I missed you. Missed us. If you weren’t involved with someone, we might be trying again....”
“No, that would never happen. I’m no good to you. I’d probably never buy you a fancy ring or new car. The most you’ll ever get from me is a cup of coffee. And there’s no way I can help clear your debt, so you should keep looking.”
She lifted one brow. “You have a house,” she pointed out to him. “I bet you even have a retirement fund and some college savings. You probably have money you don’t even realize you have.”
Mac didn’t react, but inside he felt shattered. And when he thought about this later it might make him cry. She’d do that? Take the equity in his house? The roof over his kids’ heads or their college savings? What little security he had? He thought he knew what she’d do with it, and she wasn’t going to pay down her Visa bill.
“How much is your debt?” he asked.
“It’s not very much. Just a few thousand.”
“How many thousands?”
“I don’t know,” she said, smoothing her hair. “Eight or ten. Maybe eleven. But even five would help. And I’d pay you back, of course. Right away.”
“And how could you do that? Pay me back right away?”
“I’m going to work,” she said. “I have several modeling and acting opportunities that I just haven’t been able to pursue, but they pay very well.”
“Which begs the question, why not work to pay off your debt?”
She sat back in her chair. “It’s complicated.”
He gave her a slight smile. “I have to admit, I’m dying of curiosity. I know you didn’t get in this spot on quarter slots at little casinos. Vegas? Monte Carlo? High stakes poker? Ponies? What the hell have you done to yourself, Cee Jay?”
“I just got a little behind, that’s all.”
“Right. Behind enough that you’d take your children’s college savings and try to roll it into a big payoff? What are you going to do—put it all on black at the roulette table?”
“If you’re not going to help me, just say so.”
He rested his forearms on the table and looked at her with sympathy. He looked into her eyes and knew that the young girl he’d loved was just not in there. “Yes, I’m going to help you,” he said. “First of all, I have to give you advice. This comes from Eve, actually. If you find yourself missing your children, they’d love to get a note or card. Maybe on birthdays or holidays. You could send a gift, and it doesn’t have to be expensive—just a token to say they’re remembered, that would be welcome. You can’t just show up in their lives after a decade and expect a warm reception, but you’re their mother. They can’t help the fact that they’d like to know you.
“Second, if you borrowed from someone who isn’t exactly in the legitimate loan business, I’d be happy to help you file a complaint. I know all the right people. And third, I would be happy to locate a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and give you a ride. No questions asked.”
She scowled at him. There weren’t any tears, either. “Just get out of here and leave me alone.”
“Yes, that’s her. Thank you.”
Cee Jay seemed to be studying the menu until he neared, then she looked up and dazzled him with a stunning smile. Oh, you think I don’t remember? he thought. It cut through him. That beautiful young girl who once loved him, there she was. She’d been new at school and it hadn’t taken her long to single him out and even though she was much younger, to him she was the epitome of beauty and innocence. He fell in love with her immediately. A year later she was pregnant and he was married. And everything about his life changed.
She stood and by the lift of her arms, she intended to embrace him. He quickly put out a hand, indicating she should take a seat. She did so with a laugh. “Well, that was awkward.”
The waitress was there instantly. Something about a police uniform usually produced service right away. He was very uncomfortable sitting with his back to the room but tried to tell himself he wouldn’t be here too long and the casino had security. Still, even though he had no reason to expect trouble of any kind, his hand rested on his thigh, near his gun.
“Just coffee for me,” he told the waitress.
“I’ll start with a coffee,” Cee Jay said.
When the waitress had gone, Mac said, “Nice hotel.”
“It’s the nicest one in the general area. How did you find me?” she asked.
He lifted a brow. “I looked.”
“That doesn’t quite answer the question.”
“I know. So, what’s your game?”
“I beg your pardon.” She was indignant. She stiffened.
“What do you play?” he asked.
She seemed to be undecided whether to answer. “I just dabble,” she said, visibly tense.
“Cee Jay, I know everything. So, what do you dabble in?”
“Penny ante,” she said with a shrug, meeting his eyes dead on. She’d been through this before. She could pass a lie detector and he knew it. It scared him, as a matter of fact.
“I don’t think so,” he replied, shaking his head. “It appears you’re having some bad luck.”
“Not much.” She shrugged. “Just lately. It’s just for fun, anyway. I’m actually ahead.”
He might not know anything about gambling per se but one thing he knew, gamblers always claimed to win. Always. And they rarely did. Big fancy casinos and casino resorts were not built on charity. “Is that right? Good for you. So, what does this have to do with us? Me and the kids?”
“I thought...” Her voice trailed off. “I told you. I thought maybe we could reconnect.”
“There’s more to it than that,” he said.
She just shook her head. “Those years we were together—they were very hard, Mac. Very hard. And I didn’t really have the tools to deal with what I’d taken on—I was a young fool. So I ran. But I kept looking back to those years, difficult though they were, and realized that was one of the few times in my life I felt safe and loved. I started to regret leaving almost immediately.”
“Yet you didn’t even call to ask how the kids were?”
She lifted her chin. “I was determined to improve myself in some way before getting in touch. I never brought anything to the table. I wanted to bring something. I thought I could contribute in some way, be valuable. Valuable enough to be welcomed back.”
He frowned slightly and leaned toward her slightly. “What the hell happened to you, Cee Jay? What happened that made you feel being the mother of our children wasn’t enough?”
“It was just more work and greater deprivation than I could—”
But he was shaking his head. “What happened in your childhood to make you think you had to have more? Be more? I want to understand, but I just don’t get it. You said you felt safe and loved. Did the fancy car and jewelry make you feel safer? More loved?”
She let a huff of laughter escape just as two cups of coffee and cream were delivered to the table. Mac noticed her eyes had welled with tears but he couldn’t trust that they were real.
“Growing up wasn’t pretty,” she finally said. “I was raised by a single mother who had four kids by four men. She moved us every time the rent was overdue, virtually ignored us and left us on our own to raise ourselves. I lived in dingy little apartments and motel rooms—there wasn’t always food and we picked through scrap piles for clothes. I was molested when I was small, abandoned all the time, hungry most of the time, missed whole months of school and was always terrified. When I was eleven the four of us were split up into four different foster homes and I was moved every year. When I met you all I wanted was a family and a home.”
He was silent. Was this some story concocted to get his sympathy? How could he spend seven years with a woman and never know any of these details? It could be as simple as young men don’t ask, or a young man working day and night never thought about the details, or as complicated as Cee Jay making up a story that would get her a second chance.
“And yet you would leave that family and home?” he asked.
“It doesn’t make sense, I realize that now. But I wanted things. We had a family and a house, but I was still scared all the time. Afraid of being abandoned, of turning into my mother—a young woman with a passel of kids and no money and no husband and no way to take care of them or myself. In hindsight...” She gave a wave of her hand.
Actually, it did make sense if it was true, Mac thought. Abused children often grew up to abuse their own children, so this history could explain a lot. But that didn’t make it right. “Well, it appears you have what you needed. Money. Security. And don’t worry, you’re pretty and know how to flirt. You’ll find another husband.”
“Well, except that I’ve had a little setback recently. Nothing serious, but it kind of showed me how much I’d left behind when I left you and the kids and I hoped we could start to know each other again. You know—see if it was as big a mistake for you as it was for me. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I had to try.”
He just shook his head. “I told you, I have someone now. It’s serious. Besides, you’ll do all right.”
“I have some debt to clear,” she said.
“Cee Jay, I know about the house, the cars, the alimony, which incidentally was acquired fraudulently. You’ve gone through a fortune.”
“Well, a person with my upbringing doesn’t really know how to manage all that and it didn’t take long before I mismanaged it. And lost it.” She shrugged and looked away. “Bad investments, being taken advantage of by con artists, lots of things I just wasn’t prepared to handle....”
“No, Cee Jay, you gambled it away. The house was free and clear and you borrowed against it. Millions. So, cash in a couple of rings and sell the car....”
She scowled at him. “The car isn’t mine and the rings are fake.”
He looked at them with lifted brows. He’d never have known the difference. “Good fakes. And where’s the car? It’s not here.”
“It went away,” she said sourly.
“And Madeline? Aka Antoinette?”
“Upstairs,” she said.
“You must have a very unique relationship,” he muttered. Partners in crime, he thought.
“We have similar backgrounds,” she said. “We can trust each other.”
He immediately thought he knew how to learn more about that. He could spend a lot of time investigating. He might look into Cee Jay’s childhood if only to know if she was lying or telling the truth, but he couldn’t care less about her girlfriend. And if what Cee Jay told him was meant to explain her adult behavior, his kids were safe from that kind of legacy. They hadn’t been treated that way.
“Where did you grow up, Cee Jay? You always said it was Oregon.”
She nodded. “I didn’t know what I was walking away from, but I was unstable. Damaged. I haven’t had a real happy day since.”
“Poor Mr. Raines will be heartbroken to hear that.”
She laughed. “Poor Mr. Raines is a penny-pinching, mean-hearted old man! I wouldn’t have gotten anything in the divorce except for the prenup! I got exactly what was outlined—a house, car and limited alimony. He blows more than that in a weekend.”
Mac leaned toward her. He lowered his voice. “Cee Jay, you weren’t legally married. You didn’t deserve anything at all, except maybe jail.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever look for me. I signed those divorce and custody papers because of Raines. I was trapped. I know, I know—I did it to myself. But still... I meant what I said, Mac. I missed the kids. I missed you. Missed us. If you weren’t involved with someone, we might be trying again....”
“No, that would never happen. I’m no good to you. I’d probably never buy you a fancy ring or new car. The most you’ll ever get from me is a cup of coffee. And there’s no way I can help clear your debt, so you should keep looking.”
She lifted one brow. “You have a house,” she pointed out to him. “I bet you even have a retirement fund and some college savings. You probably have money you don’t even realize you have.”
Mac didn’t react, but inside he felt shattered. And when he thought about this later it might make him cry. She’d do that? Take the equity in his house? The roof over his kids’ heads or their college savings? What little security he had? He thought he knew what she’d do with it, and she wasn’t going to pay down her Visa bill.
“How much is your debt?” he asked.
“It’s not very much. Just a few thousand.”
“How many thousands?”
“I don’t know,” she said, smoothing her hair. “Eight or ten. Maybe eleven. But even five would help. And I’d pay you back, of course. Right away.”
“And how could you do that? Pay me back right away?”
“I’m going to work,” she said. “I have several modeling and acting opportunities that I just haven’t been able to pursue, but they pay very well.”
“Which begs the question, why not work to pay off your debt?”
She sat back in her chair. “It’s complicated.”
He gave her a slight smile. “I have to admit, I’m dying of curiosity. I know you didn’t get in this spot on quarter slots at little casinos. Vegas? Monte Carlo? High stakes poker? Ponies? What the hell have you done to yourself, Cee Jay?”
“I just got a little behind, that’s all.”
“Right. Behind enough that you’d take your children’s college savings and try to roll it into a big payoff? What are you going to do—put it all on black at the roulette table?”
“If you’re not going to help me, just say so.”
He rested his forearms on the table and looked at her with sympathy. He looked into her eyes and knew that the young girl he’d loved was just not in there. “Yes, I’m going to help you,” he said. “First of all, I have to give you advice. This comes from Eve, actually. If you find yourself missing your children, they’d love to get a note or card. Maybe on birthdays or holidays. You could send a gift, and it doesn’t have to be expensive—just a token to say they’re remembered, that would be welcome. You can’t just show up in their lives after a decade and expect a warm reception, but you’re their mother. They can’t help the fact that they’d like to know you.
“Second, if you borrowed from someone who isn’t exactly in the legitimate loan business, I’d be happy to help you file a complaint. I know all the right people. And third, I would be happy to locate a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and give you a ride. No questions asked.”
She scowled at him. There weren’t any tears, either. “Just get out of here and leave me alone.”
