“I sent you a letter.”
“I didn’t get your damn letter.” I squeezed my eyes shut, begging the tears to stay at bay while I was around other soldiers.
“This is just too hard, Shane. I can’t take the worrying.”
“You? You can’t take the worry? I wake up every morning not knowing if I’ll be alive by bedtime.”
“Don’t do that. That’s not fair.”
“Fair?” I laughed and slammed the phone down on its base.
I grabbed my rucksack and slid it over my shoulder and picked up my duffle bag. Sleep was overrated. I made my way to the defac in hopes of getting a quick bite before we needed to make our way to the plane.
“Hey! I got you a tuna. At least I think its tuna.” Owens slid over on his seat, making room for me.
“Doesn’t matter at this point,” I groaned, as I dropped my bag and adjusted the weapon that was slung across my chest.
“I hear ya. I hope my girl can cook.” Owens took a big bite of his sandwich and food oozed out of the corners of his mouth. The soldier across the table glared at him.
I shook my head. I knew Owens would come back from leave brokenhearted when his pen pal turned out to be a man or married.
“What, fobbit? Not used to seeing a real-life soldier? You want an autograph from a real American hero?” Owens joked as he wiped the food from his mouth.
“You can write it right here.” The soldier grabbed his crotch as his buddies laughed.
“I guess he only wants my initials,” Owens replied, looking at me. I just hung my head and laughed.
“King of battle my ass,” the man replied with a sneer as he got up from the table, his two friends flanking him followed suit.
“I think you hurt their feelings.” I shoved the last bit of my food into my mouth. “You know we are all on the same side.”
“Screw him. Let’s go enjoy our R and R.”
We stood and grabbed our bags before catching a ride to the airstrip on the other side of the base.
“I almost forgot. I grabbed our mail.” Owens held out several envelopes for me. I took a deep breath before grabbing the letters from his hand and slipping them into my pocket.
“Thanks.”
Jenn
February 3, 2010, Saturday Morning
I slid a bagel into the toaster as my eyes glazed over reading my report for work. We needed to make it look like the company was pulling in more money from their ads than it was losing, but numbers didn’t lie. That was the reason I loved math. It was the only pure form of honesty left in this world.
My food popped up and I held the papers as I made her way to the fridge to grab the cream cheese, tossing it on the counter. My phone rang and I answered it, cradling it between my shoulder and ear as I attempted to spread cream cheese on my bagel.
“You are impossible to get ahold of!”
“It’s too early for you to be so damn chipper.” I rolled my eyes as the phone slipped from my shoulder and onto the counter. “Shoot! Sorry, I dropped my phone.”
“No worries. Listen, I have some news. Are you sitting down?”
“Sure.” I rolled my eyes and adjusted my weight to my other foot and set the butter knife down to give my sister my undivided attention.
“I’m getting married!” she screamed, causing me to pull the phone from my face.
“How can you get married? You’re not even dating anyone. Not unless you count that homeless guy who likes to rub against you on the bus.” I rolled my eyes as I picked up half of my bagel and took a bite, glancing at my finger that used to hold my engagement ring.
“That was one time and I no longer take public transportation. This is serious. Don’t get mad.”
“Gail, you can’t tell someone not to get mad. Just spill it. I’m not making any promises.”
There was a long pause and I pulled the phone from my ear to make sure the battery hadn’t died.
“I’m in love with Thomas Sullivan.”
It wasn’t possible to die from a broken heart, but it felt like I was being crushed from the inside. My world imploded around me as his name replayed over and over in my head like a broken record.
“How?” My eyes brimmed with tears as I searched my memory for any moment that would lead me to believe there had been anything between the love of my life and my older sister.
“We’ve always liked each other, Jenn. He didn’t want to do wrong by you. He’s a good man.”
“Do wrong?” My words were barely a whisper. “I found…oh, God. I’m going to be sick.”
“I’m so sorry. You can’t fight true love. Besides, I thought you would be happy for me. You know it hasn’t been easy for me.”
“I hate you!” I clamped my hand over my mouth as quiet sobs racked through my body and I sank to the kitchen floor.
“How could you say that? You’re so selfish!”
I clicked the button to end the call and threw my cell phone across the kitchen as my knees hit the linoleum with a painful thud. I began counting down from twenty but it was no use. My breaths came in short, sporadic inhales until I felt dizzy and my world began to spin. I had always lived in the shade of my sister’s shadow. I didn’t mind because it kept my parents off my back and allowed me to pursue the career I wanted while they nitpicked and fussed over Gail. Now that shadow was growing and looming over me like a storm cloud that was going to consume my entire existence.
I couldn’t fight the sadness that swirled in my chest, and I was too broken to try.
Shane
March 5, 2010, Friday
“You think any of these German hotties would like to feel my weapon?”
I smacked Owens on the back of the head and laughed.
“You got a girl waiting at home for you.”
“Yeah, but she can’t moan in different languages.”
“How do you moan in different languages? Doesn’t it all sound the same?”
“That’s what we need to find out.”
“Looks like we’re gonna be here for a while. Unfortunately, this is the most you’re going to get to see of Germany. Soak it in, boys.” Lt. Sage laughed as he pointed over to the USO.
“Travel the world they told us.” Owens laughed as he pulled open the door to the USO tucked away inside the airport.
I followed him in through the door as I shook my head and made my way to the couch in front of the television on the left side of the room. I sat down and sighed as I pulled the letters from the inside of my ACU top.
One was from my cousin, Jake, who lived in Maine and the other was from Chelsea. I had been waiting for this letter to arrive for nearly two months. I slowly peeled it open and unfolded the letter that still smelled of her soap.
January 1, 2010
Dear Shane,
I spoke to you yesterday and you asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. I didn’t have the heart, or maybe the guts, to tell you over the phone, but I have decided to change my life. When you and I began dating two years ago, I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I was fresh out of college and all I saw was you. You consumed me.
I want you to know that I don’t regret a single second of the time we spent together, however little that time was, but I can’t continue to live with my life on hold as I wait for you to return. Sometimes, I am not sure you will.
The only women I have here to talk to are from the Family Readiness Group. It’s nice to have others who understand what it is like to be with a soldier and treat me like one of the wives, even though we are not married yet and I can’t attend the meetings. But it’s a double-edged sword. One of the wives from alpha battery lost her husband three weeks ago.
I can’t wait for you to die, Shane. I jump every time someone knocks on the door, terrified that it will be soldiers coming to give condolences. She had three kids. Can you imagine? I couldn’t continue on and look at those poor kids in the eye, knowing I had chosen a husband who could have died at any minute.
I know you think I am selfish and I just don’t understand, but I do. It takes an incredibly strong woman to be a soldier’s wife. I’m not that strong. I love you, Shane. You deserve better.
Love Always,
Chelsea
I hadn’t talked to her since New Year’s, and Chelsea had never mentioned anything about wanting to leave me. I angrily shoved the letter back into the envelope and crumbled it in my fist before I let it tumble out of my hands to the floor below. I had tried with everything I had inside of me to be the man my aunt raised me to be. I tried to be strong but my heart had been shattered as a little boy when my mother died and I had never been able to find all of the pieces. I had given Chelsea half my heart and it wasn’t enough. I should have refused to reenlist. She begged me not to, but I was not ready to live in the real world, to be a normal citizen.
“That what I think it is?” Owens held two mugs of beer in his hands. I just nodded and stared off toward the television. “You’re better off.”
I glared at Owens, who plopped down next to me on the vinyl couch and held out a beer.
“Think about it.” Owens took a long sip from his beer and wiped the foam from his lip with his free hand. “Could you imagine finding out when you got home? I heard of a guy who came home for mid-tour leave and found his wife in bed with some stripper.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad.” I raised my eyebrow and took a drink, trying my best not to let the pain show, but Owens knew. He was my best friend and my battle buddy.
“A male stripper,” he laughed. “It could always be worse.”
“All you do is sit around and gossip like a bunch of housewives.”
“It’s true. Happened to a gun bunny from bravo.”
I rolled my eyes and took another drink.
“What’s that one?” Owens eyed the unopened envelope in my lap.
“From my cousin.”
“Is she hot?”
“He is married.”
Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday Afternoon
I was startled at the sound of the doorbell. Slowly lifting my head, I peeled off the piece of paper that stuck to my cheek.
“Just a minute!” I called out as I jumped from my seat and tried quickly to organize the mess on my desk that sat in the corner of my cramped living room. The bell rang again and I took off down the hall, pulling the hair tie from my hair and fluffing my brown locks to make myself look more presentable.
I pulled open the door to see my father standing on the other side, a scowl on his face as he slowly unwound his scarf from his neck and pulled it from the collar of his coat. He walked past me, and I stepped back making sure his boots didn’t catch my toes.
“What brings you down to this side of town, Dad?” I closed the door behind him and turned the lock. He stopped as he reached the kitchen and turned to face me.
“Your mother has been calling you for a week.”
“I’ve been really busy at work.”
He held up his hand, stopping me from finishing with my excuse.
“You missed your sister’s bridal shower. There is no excuse. Family comes first, Jennifer. Do I need to remind you of all your sister has done for you?”
“No. Of course not. I am reminded by her constantly. It’s impossible to forget.”
“Are you sassing me? Your sister has gone out of her way to make sure you had a roof over your head while you were out chasing down a silly dream.”
“It’s not like I don’t want a husband and a family, Dad. You of all people know how important a career is.” I didn’t remind him that I had found the man I wanted to spend my life with, but he also found my sister, Gail. I should have known then why she was so eager to get my things out of Thomas’s townhouse.
“Don’t you turn this around on me. I had to provide for my family and if you would make yourself presentable, you may already have had a husband and wouldn’t need to work so damn hard.”
I tugged at the bottom of my stained shirt and smoothed over the wrinkles with my fingers.
“Get dressed. Your mother has someone she wants you to meet.”
“I have a lot of work to do.”
He held up his hand again.
“Do you have any idea how much convincing it took to get this guy to agree to meet you? You stood him up twice.”
“I didn’t stand anyone up. I didn’t know I had a date. Why not save us all time and take him over to Gail’s?”
“If you answered your phone, you would have.” He wrapped his scarf back around his neck and headed for the front door. “Three o’clock at Figaro’s. Don’t disappoint us again.” With that, he left, slamming the door behind him.
Shane
March 8, 2010, Monday
“We are never getting out of this place,” Owens whined as he took a sip from his beer.
“Good. I’d rather be here than cleaning my stuff out of my house.”
“Why are you letting her take your place, man? He’s a doctor. Can’t he afford a place to live?”
“Dentist, and it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to live there anymore. I’ll put my stuff in storage and get a room in the barracks.” It wouldn’t be a home anymore anyway. It would just be a house full of memories I want to forget.
“Have you called her?”
“Nope.” My eyes went to the line of phones on the right-hand wall. “Nothing to say.”
“You really want to show up while that douche is in your house?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Come on,” Owens chugged what was left in his beer mug and belched, “I’ll even hold your beer for you.”
“I didn’t get your damn letter.” I squeezed my eyes shut, begging the tears to stay at bay while I was around other soldiers.
“This is just too hard, Shane. I can’t take the worrying.”
“You? You can’t take the worry? I wake up every morning not knowing if I’ll be alive by bedtime.”
“Don’t do that. That’s not fair.”
“Fair?” I laughed and slammed the phone down on its base.
I grabbed my rucksack and slid it over my shoulder and picked up my duffle bag. Sleep was overrated. I made my way to the defac in hopes of getting a quick bite before we needed to make our way to the plane.
“Hey! I got you a tuna. At least I think its tuna.” Owens slid over on his seat, making room for me.
“Doesn’t matter at this point,” I groaned, as I dropped my bag and adjusted the weapon that was slung across my chest.
“I hear ya. I hope my girl can cook.” Owens took a big bite of his sandwich and food oozed out of the corners of his mouth. The soldier across the table glared at him.
I shook my head. I knew Owens would come back from leave brokenhearted when his pen pal turned out to be a man or married.
“What, fobbit? Not used to seeing a real-life soldier? You want an autograph from a real American hero?” Owens joked as he wiped the food from his mouth.
“You can write it right here.” The soldier grabbed his crotch as his buddies laughed.
“I guess he only wants my initials,” Owens replied, looking at me. I just hung my head and laughed.
“King of battle my ass,” the man replied with a sneer as he got up from the table, his two friends flanking him followed suit.
“I think you hurt their feelings.” I shoved the last bit of my food into my mouth. “You know we are all on the same side.”
“Screw him. Let’s go enjoy our R and R.”
We stood and grabbed our bags before catching a ride to the airstrip on the other side of the base.
“I almost forgot. I grabbed our mail.” Owens held out several envelopes for me. I took a deep breath before grabbing the letters from his hand and slipping them into my pocket.
“Thanks.”
Jenn
February 3, 2010, Saturday Morning
I slid a bagel into the toaster as my eyes glazed over reading my report for work. We needed to make it look like the company was pulling in more money from their ads than it was losing, but numbers didn’t lie. That was the reason I loved math. It was the only pure form of honesty left in this world.
My food popped up and I held the papers as I made her way to the fridge to grab the cream cheese, tossing it on the counter. My phone rang and I answered it, cradling it between my shoulder and ear as I attempted to spread cream cheese on my bagel.
“You are impossible to get ahold of!”
“It’s too early for you to be so damn chipper.” I rolled my eyes as the phone slipped from my shoulder and onto the counter. “Shoot! Sorry, I dropped my phone.”
“No worries. Listen, I have some news. Are you sitting down?”
“Sure.” I rolled my eyes and adjusted my weight to my other foot and set the butter knife down to give my sister my undivided attention.
“I’m getting married!” she screamed, causing me to pull the phone from my face.
“How can you get married? You’re not even dating anyone. Not unless you count that homeless guy who likes to rub against you on the bus.” I rolled my eyes as I picked up half of my bagel and took a bite, glancing at my finger that used to hold my engagement ring.
“That was one time and I no longer take public transportation. This is serious. Don’t get mad.”
“Gail, you can’t tell someone not to get mad. Just spill it. I’m not making any promises.”
There was a long pause and I pulled the phone from my ear to make sure the battery hadn’t died.
“I’m in love with Thomas Sullivan.”
It wasn’t possible to die from a broken heart, but it felt like I was being crushed from the inside. My world imploded around me as his name replayed over and over in my head like a broken record.
“How?” My eyes brimmed with tears as I searched my memory for any moment that would lead me to believe there had been anything between the love of my life and my older sister.
“We’ve always liked each other, Jenn. He didn’t want to do wrong by you. He’s a good man.”
“Do wrong?” My words were barely a whisper. “I found…oh, God. I’m going to be sick.”
“I’m so sorry. You can’t fight true love. Besides, I thought you would be happy for me. You know it hasn’t been easy for me.”
“I hate you!” I clamped my hand over my mouth as quiet sobs racked through my body and I sank to the kitchen floor.
“How could you say that? You’re so selfish!”
I clicked the button to end the call and threw my cell phone across the kitchen as my knees hit the linoleum with a painful thud. I began counting down from twenty but it was no use. My breaths came in short, sporadic inhales until I felt dizzy and my world began to spin. I had always lived in the shade of my sister’s shadow. I didn’t mind because it kept my parents off my back and allowed me to pursue the career I wanted while they nitpicked and fussed over Gail. Now that shadow was growing and looming over me like a storm cloud that was going to consume my entire existence.
I couldn’t fight the sadness that swirled in my chest, and I was too broken to try.
Shane
March 5, 2010, Friday
“You think any of these German hotties would like to feel my weapon?”
I smacked Owens on the back of the head and laughed.
“You got a girl waiting at home for you.”
“Yeah, but she can’t moan in different languages.”
“How do you moan in different languages? Doesn’t it all sound the same?”
“That’s what we need to find out.”
“Looks like we’re gonna be here for a while. Unfortunately, this is the most you’re going to get to see of Germany. Soak it in, boys.” Lt. Sage laughed as he pointed over to the USO.
“Travel the world they told us.” Owens laughed as he pulled open the door to the USO tucked away inside the airport.
I followed him in through the door as I shook my head and made my way to the couch in front of the television on the left side of the room. I sat down and sighed as I pulled the letters from the inside of my ACU top.
One was from my cousin, Jake, who lived in Maine and the other was from Chelsea. I had been waiting for this letter to arrive for nearly two months. I slowly peeled it open and unfolded the letter that still smelled of her soap.
January 1, 2010
Dear Shane,
I spoke to you yesterday and you asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. I didn’t have the heart, or maybe the guts, to tell you over the phone, but I have decided to change my life. When you and I began dating two years ago, I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I was fresh out of college and all I saw was you. You consumed me.
I want you to know that I don’t regret a single second of the time we spent together, however little that time was, but I can’t continue to live with my life on hold as I wait for you to return. Sometimes, I am not sure you will.
The only women I have here to talk to are from the Family Readiness Group. It’s nice to have others who understand what it is like to be with a soldier and treat me like one of the wives, even though we are not married yet and I can’t attend the meetings. But it’s a double-edged sword. One of the wives from alpha battery lost her husband three weeks ago.
I can’t wait for you to die, Shane. I jump every time someone knocks on the door, terrified that it will be soldiers coming to give condolences. She had three kids. Can you imagine? I couldn’t continue on and look at those poor kids in the eye, knowing I had chosen a husband who could have died at any minute.
I know you think I am selfish and I just don’t understand, but I do. It takes an incredibly strong woman to be a soldier’s wife. I’m not that strong. I love you, Shane. You deserve better.
Love Always,
Chelsea
I hadn’t talked to her since New Year’s, and Chelsea had never mentioned anything about wanting to leave me. I angrily shoved the letter back into the envelope and crumbled it in my fist before I let it tumble out of my hands to the floor below. I had tried with everything I had inside of me to be the man my aunt raised me to be. I tried to be strong but my heart had been shattered as a little boy when my mother died and I had never been able to find all of the pieces. I had given Chelsea half my heart and it wasn’t enough. I should have refused to reenlist. She begged me not to, but I was not ready to live in the real world, to be a normal citizen.
“That what I think it is?” Owens held two mugs of beer in his hands. I just nodded and stared off toward the television. “You’re better off.”
I glared at Owens, who plopped down next to me on the vinyl couch and held out a beer.
“Think about it.” Owens took a long sip from his beer and wiped the foam from his lip with his free hand. “Could you imagine finding out when you got home? I heard of a guy who came home for mid-tour leave and found his wife in bed with some stripper.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad.” I raised my eyebrow and took a drink, trying my best not to let the pain show, but Owens knew. He was my best friend and my battle buddy.
“A male stripper,” he laughed. “It could always be worse.”
“All you do is sit around and gossip like a bunch of housewives.”
“It’s true. Happened to a gun bunny from bravo.”
I rolled my eyes and took another drink.
“What’s that one?” Owens eyed the unopened envelope in my lap.
“From my cousin.”
“Is she hot?”
“He is married.”
Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday Afternoon
I was startled at the sound of the doorbell. Slowly lifting my head, I peeled off the piece of paper that stuck to my cheek.
“Just a minute!” I called out as I jumped from my seat and tried quickly to organize the mess on my desk that sat in the corner of my cramped living room. The bell rang again and I took off down the hall, pulling the hair tie from my hair and fluffing my brown locks to make myself look more presentable.
I pulled open the door to see my father standing on the other side, a scowl on his face as he slowly unwound his scarf from his neck and pulled it from the collar of his coat. He walked past me, and I stepped back making sure his boots didn’t catch my toes.
“What brings you down to this side of town, Dad?” I closed the door behind him and turned the lock. He stopped as he reached the kitchen and turned to face me.
“Your mother has been calling you for a week.”
“I’ve been really busy at work.”
He held up his hand, stopping me from finishing with my excuse.
“You missed your sister’s bridal shower. There is no excuse. Family comes first, Jennifer. Do I need to remind you of all your sister has done for you?”
“No. Of course not. I am reminded by her constantly. It’s impossible to forget.”
“Are you sassing me? Your sister has gone out of her way to make sure you had a roof over your head while you were out chasing down a silly dream.”
“It’s not like I don’t want a husband and a family, Dad. You of all people know how important a career is.” I didn’t remind him that I had found the man I wanted to spend my life with, but he also found my sister, Gail. I should have known then why she was so eager to get my things out of Thomas’s townhouse.
“Don’t you turn this around on me. I had to provide for my family and if you would make yourself presentable, you may already have had a husband and wouldn’t need to work so damn hard.”
I tugged at the bottom of my stained shirt and smoothed over the wrinkles with my fingers.
“Get dressed. Your mother has someone she wants you to meet.”
“I have a lot of work to do.”
He held up his hand again.
“Do you have any idea how much convincing it took to get this guy to agree to meet you? You stood him up twice.”
“I didn’t stand anyone up. I didn’t know I had a date. Why not save us all time and take him over to Gail’s?”
“If you answered your phone, you would have.” He wrapped his scarf back around his neck and headed for the front door. “Three o’clock at Figaro’s. Don’t disappoint us again.” With that, he left, slamming the door behind him.
Shane
March 8, 2010, Monday
“We are never getting out of this place,” Owens whined as he took a sip from his beer.
“Good. I’d rather be here than cleaning my stuff out of my house.”
“Why are you letting her take your place, man? He’s a doctor. Can’t he afford a place to live?”
“Dentist, and it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to live there anymore. I’ll put my stuff in storage and get a room in the barracks.” It wouldn’t be a home anymore anyway. It would just be a house full of memories I want to forget.
“Have you called her?”
“Nope.” My eyes went to the line of phones on the right-hand wall. “Nothing to say.”
“You really want to show up while that douche is in your house?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Come on,” Owens chugged what was left in his beer mug and belched, “I’ll even hold your beer for you.”
