I wonder if I can't hear her because the hands are covering my ears.
Or because I'm already dead.
Chapter 3
Finn
After I saw the cavalry from the church begin to arrive I spent the entire afternoon watching them set up their tent and unload their trucks.
I grabbed my boat and when I got close enough, I killed the engine and paddled my way under an embankment where I sat quietly, listening to the workers setting up the tent service. I hadn't heard much more than shouted instructions. I was about to leave when I heard the voices of two men directly above me, walking along the edge of the embankment just a few feet above my head. I crouched as close to the muddy wall as I could.
"Who is delivering the Lord's word this season?" one man asked the other. My ears instantly perked. My heartbeat quickened.
"I think they are sending Pastor Young since Pastor Dixon won't be coming until later this season. If he comes at all he'll be at least a few weeks behind the rest of us."
"What a shame about his wife. God bless her."
"Yes, but the Lord has his reasons."
"Amen. Family is the light of the Lord. His will in human flesh."
The other man mumbled his agreement and then they were gone.
Thank fuck. Richard wouldn't be coming, but while I made my way back to land so I could get to Sawyer, I was filled with unease. He might not be coming now and I knew for a fact Critter still had eyes on him, but my relief was short term because he would always be a threat. We'd always be looking over our shoulders.
By the time I made my way back to my truck, I hadn't realized how long I'd been watching them when I checked my phone. Five missed calls. Two from the landline at Critter's bar and three from Critter himself.
I called Critter's cell.
Critter answered with a gruff, "What?"
"The church cavalry is in town, but I overheard some of the workers. Richard Dixon won't be joining them this year."
"Good. My guy will tell me if he so much as crosses over the state line, but right now we got bigger fish to fry. Sawyer knows about her mama."
"I thought you were going to wait."
"Yeah, but Caroline had a moment of clarity and all she wanted was to see her daughter. I thought it might help."
"Did it?"
There was a pause. "No. Not for either of them."
The library door was unlocked and a single table light was on in the center of the room.
There was Sawyer, hunched over the table with a book underneath her arms, her wild hair spread out like the rays of an auburn colored sun.
I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.
"I thought I'd find you here," I said, coming up behind her and leaning over her shoulder, breathing in her familiar lavender scent. "What are you doing?" I whispered, placing my chin on her shoulder.
She lifted her head, spun around and I took a step back. Immediately I noticed the tear stains on her face. Her swollen eyes. The redness of her cheeks. "I must have fallen asleep," she said, looking dazed and breathing hard. "I had a nightmare."
"Are you okay?" I asked, crouching down in front of her and taking her hands in mine. "I talked to Critter. He told me what happened with your mom. Are you alright?" I bent over and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my rough cheek to her soft one.
She shrugged slowly as if her shoulders were heavy under the weight of her troubles. "And then there was the bad dream I just had where you were...never mind."
"Tell me," I insisted.
She shook her head. "It's not important. I thought I was naive and that I didn't know a lot about the outside world, but as it turns out, I just don't know much about anything, including my past, including anything about my own mother. She's...she's alive, but she's not the same. Critter said it's something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I want to be happy I do. I just...I can't. Not yet. It's all too much."
There is more.
Guilt immediately washed over me for keeping the truth from her. She deserved to know it all. "Say, I have to tell you something," I started, but she interrupted me.
"I couldn't imagine having a daughter and just vanishing on her. Letting her think I was dead when I wasn't. Not even for a second." She grabbed her stomach, wrapping her arms around herself in a hug like the thought was making her physically ill. In fact, it might have been making her ill because she looked a lot paler than usual. Her eyes were lined with dark circles.
"I'm just really confused. I don't know where to place all these feelings. The anger. The hurt. The...everything." Sawyer turned back around and dropped her head to her chest. My strong girl who'd faced the devil with horns of her own was flailing and I felt helpless when her shoulders shook.
"Hey," I said, wrapping my arms around her. "You're right, you know what? When you become a mother to our children, I know that you would never abandon them at any cost. Because that's who you are. Neither of us would ever do that. But you don't know everything yet. You need to talk to Critter. To your mother and..."
"Our children?" Sawyer asked with a sniffle.
My chest tightened. Out of all I was saying that’s what she’d heard the loudest. "Yes. Our children. Together. Me and you." I cupped her face in my hand. "I'd like nothing more than to see you carrying our baby someday." And it was true. The very thought of Sawyer carrying my baby made my heart warm and a primal part of me want to pound on my chest and roar into the night. Since no precautions were taken, it was always a possibility.
Sawyer's smile was a tear-filled one. "Me too. Someday, I'd like that very much." The sadness in her voice made my heart lurch in my chest not being able to take away her pain.
I was holding her tight to my chest when she pushed away for a moment to pick up a familiar crumbled yellow flyer that had been shoved in the mail slot. I knew exactly what it was because Critter had shown it to me before.
This was Sawyer’s first time seeing it. In Outskirts, at least. I held my breath as she scanned the flyer. Her eyes went wide. The logo for God's Light Church couldn’t be missed.
"He's…he’s here," she whispered. Unblinking she took a wobbly step back, knocking over a chair.
Or because I'm already dead.
Chapter 3
Finn
After I saw the cavalry from the church begin to arrive I spent the entire afternoon watching them set up their tent and unload their trucks.
I grabbed my boat and when I got close enough, I killed the engine and paddled my way under an embankment where I sat quietly, listening to the workers setting up the tent service. I hadn't heard much more than shouted instructions. I was about to leave when I heard the voices of two men directly above me, walking along the edge of the embankment just a few feet above my head. I crouched as close to the muddy wall as I could.
"Who is delivering the Lord's word this season?" one man asked the other. My ears instantly perked. My heartbeat quickened.
"I think they are sending Pastor Young since Pastor Dixon won't be coming until later this season. If he comes at all he'll be at least a few weeks behind the rest of us."
"What a shame about his wife. God bless her."
"Yes, but the Lord has his reasons."
"Amen. Family is the light of the Lord. His will in human flesh."
The other man mumbled his agreement and then they were gone.
Thank fuck. Richard wouldn't be coming, but while I made my way back to land so I could get to Sawyer, I was filled with unease. He might not be coming now and I knew for a fact Critter still had eyes on him, but my relief was short term because he would always be a threat. We'd always be looking over our shoulders.
By the time I made my way back to my truck, I hadn't realized how long I'd been watching them when I checked my phone. Five missed calls. Two from the landline at Critter's bar and three from Critter himself.
I called Critter's cell.
Critter answered with a gruff, "What?"
"The church cavalry is in town, but I overheard some of the workers. Richard Dixon won't be joining them this year."
"Good. My guy will tell me if he so much as crosses over the state line, but right now we got bigger fish to fry. Sawyer knows about her mama."
"I thought you were going to wait."
"Yeah, but Caroline had a moment of clarity and all she wanted was to see her daughter. I thought it might help."
"Did it?"
There was a pause. "No. Not for either of them."
The library door was unlocked and a single table light was on in the center of the room.
There was Sawyer, hunched over the table with a book underneath her arms, her wild hair spread out like the rays of an auburn colored sun.
I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.
"I thought I'd find you here," I said, coming up behind her and leaning over her shoulder, breathing in her familiar lavender scent. "What are you doing?" I whispered, placing my chin on her shoulder.
She lifted her head, spun around and I took a step back. Immediately I noticed the tear stains on her face. Her swollen eyes. The redness of her cheeks. "I must have fallen asleep," she said, looking dazed and breathing hard. "I had a nightmare."
"Are you okay?" I asked, crouching down in front of her and taking her hands in mine. "I talked to Critter. He told me what happened with your mom. Are you alright?" I bent over and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my rough cheek to her soft one.
She shrugged slowly as if her shoulders were heavy under the weight of her troubles. "And then there was the bad dream I just had where you were...never mind."
"Tell me," I insisted.
She shook her head. "It's not important. I thought I was naive and that I didn't know a lot about the outside world, but as it turns out, I just don't know much about anything, including my past, including anything about my own mother. She's...she's alive, but she's not the same. Critter said it's something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I want to be happy I do. I just...I can't. Not yet. It's all too much."
There is more.
Guilt immediately washed over me for keeping the truth from her. She deserved to know it all. "Say, I have to tell you something," I started, but she interrupted me.
"I couldn't imagine having a daughter and just vanishing on her. Letting her think I was dead when I wasn't. Not even for a second." She grabbed her stomach, wrapping her arms around herself in a hug like the thought was making her physically ill. In fact, it might have been making her ill because she looked a lot paler than usual. Her eyes were lined with dark circles.
"I'm just really confused. I don't know where to place all these feelings. The anger. The hurt. The...everything." Sawyer turned back around and dropped her head to her chest. My strong girl who'd faced the devil with horns of her own was flailing and I felt helpless when her shoulders shook.
"Hey," I said, wrapping my arms around her. "You're right, you know what? When you become a mother to our children, I know that you would never abandon them at any cost. Because that's who you are. Neither of us would ever do that. But you don't know everything yet. You need to talk to Critter. To your mother and..."
"Our children?" Sawyer asked with a sniffle.
My chest tightened. Out of all I was saying that’s what she’d heard the loudest. "Yes. Our children. Together. Me and you." I cupped her face in my hand. "I'd like nothing more than to see you carrying our baby someday." And it was true. The very thought of Sawyer carrying my baby made my heart warm and a primal part of me want to pound on my chest and roar into the night. Since no precautions were taken, it was always a possibility.
Sawyer's smile was a tear-filled one. "Me too. Someday, I'd like that very much." The sadness in her voice made my heart lurch in my chest not being able to take away her pain.
I was holding her tight to my chest when she pushed away for a moment to pick up a familiar crumbled yellow flyer that had been shoved in the mail slot. I knew exactly what it was because Critter had shown it to me before.
This was Sawyer’s first time seeing it. In Outskirts, at least. I held my breath as she scanned the flyer. Her eyes went wide. The logo for God's Light Church couldn’t be missed.
"He's…he’s here," she whispered. Unblinking she took a wobbly step back, knocking over a chair.
