I reached for the flyer. Needing to take it away from her like it could also take away the fear written all over her face. "No. He’s not here. Not yet.”
Sawyer stumbled again. She righted herself before using one of the bookshelves. The flyer still in her hand she held it up in her balled-up fist. "How do you know that? You can't know that! He's here, and I won't let him take me. I won't! You don't know him. He'll find me. He'll try and break me the way he broke her!"
Sawyer turned away but I spun her back around to face me. I crouched down, ensuring my eyes were in line with hers so she could see the truth in my eyes if by chance she didn't hear it in my words. "I know he's not coming because I went there. To the fairgrounds. That's where I was tonight. I saw the trucks come in off the highway and I followed them."
Sawyer took a step back, and this time I let her have the space. It was only a few steps although now it felt like a canyon between us.
"And no one could break you. No one. You're far too strong to be broken by weak minded people. Look at all you've been through and how far you've come."
"I won't have it all taken away from me. Not when I just found this place. Not when I just found you."
I felt damned awful for leaving out the parts of the story that were--as Critter would say--not my story to tell. "I went there tonight, and I overheard some of the workers talking. Your father--Richard-- isn't coming. Not for a while anyway. We have time. We won’t be here when he gets here. It will all be okay.” I said, trying as much to convince myself as I was Sawyer.
Sawyer scoffed. "He'll want his revenge for the money I stole. He'll want his revenge for me running away. He'll kill me the way I'm sure he'd always planned to kill me because he blamed me when she died." A look of pure panic crossed over her face. "Wait, my mother! Does he know she's alive? She can't know? If he's not there, then where is he? Where is my father?" She placed her shaky fingers over her lips.
I cringed at the next answer I had to deliver to her. "He’s not here. If he crosses the state line, we will know first. I’m going to protect you, Sawyer. I swear with everything I have that I will keep you safe.”
"But he could come here. He could come for us." She gasped. "My mother!"
"Your mother is with Critter right now. She's safe. I promise. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her just like I would never let anything happen to you.”
Sawyer shoulders visibly dropped until she straightened like she’d rethought whatever had her slumping over to begin with. "I'm going to go to the church," she said, marching toward the door. "I'm going to tell them what a monster he is. They may not value women but they can't turn a blind eye to all the harm he's caused. If they can use the Bible to justify their actions they can use it to see how wrong they are as well.”
I pushed the door shut the second she opened it. "No, the fuck you won't. I'm going to keep you safe whether you like it or not and confronting an entire church of your father's supporters isn't in the plans."
"I have to do something! I can’t just sit here like a cow in a pasture waiting for the butcher. I must act. I must get to him first. I have to tell someone in the church about who he is and what he is capable of!" Her eyes were wild. Crazed. “I feel like a caged animal. There is no escape. There will never be an escape.”
"Yes, there will be. But tell me this, what do you think is going to happen when you walk into that tent and accuse one of their own of things you yourself told me they may already know about. And even if they didn’t condone that sort of thing why would they listen to you? You're a defector with no physical evidence to back up your claims. Who do you think they are going to believe?"
"You're right." She shook her head. Her face was splotchy patches of red and pink over her smattering of freckles. Her shoulders deflated. She ran her fingers through her hair and tugged at the roots. "I can’t just wait for him to hurt us again. Not this time.”
"We will figure something out. We will get a plan together but you best believe I'm not letting you do something bullheaded and brave if it puts you at any sort of risk."
"But I can do this!" she argued. "I can go stop him!"
"No!" I growled, backing her into a shelf. Books clattered to the ground.
"We've been through this, Finn. Don't treat me like I'm fragile. Like I'm going to break.” She turned her back to me. “I'm not her. I'm not Jackie!"
"No. You're nothing like her," I said softly. Reaching for her, I gently grip her waist as if to remind her she wasn’t alone anymore and never would be again. "You're strong, my love. So very strong."
"Then please stop treating me like you don't trust me to handle this when I've handled so much worse! I've seen worse. If we make decisions together then help me make this one," she argued.
I tipped her chin up until her eyes found mine. "No," I snapped, trying to keep my tone as soft as possible so she wouldn’t confuse my assertiveness with anger. "That’s not happening. I trust you. I do. I just want to keep you safe and I can't do that if—”
"You can't what, Finn?" Sawyer asked. She held out her arms like she was waiting to catch whatever answer I was going to throw at her. "Because whatever it is you have to tell me, tell me, because I’m tired of these half-truths that have been fed to me my entire life.”
"I can't fucking lose you!" I shouted, my words echoed off the walls and ceiling, surrounding us in the desperation of my words.
She took a step back but I held her in place. I leaned down and gazed into the depths of her eyes. With all the determination I could muster, I told her the truth. Gentler this time. "I just can't lose you. I can't go through that again. Not with you. Not ever. I just fucking can't. Don’t put me through that. I won’t recover because I refuse to live without you.”
The anger was instantly doused from her eyes and she leaned into me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "You won't ever lose me," she said. "But you have to promise not to treat me like I'm made from glass or thin paper when I'm—”
Sawyer stumbled again. She righted herself before using one of the bookshelves. The flyer still in her hand she held it up in her balled-up fist. "How do you know that? You can't know that! He's here, and I won't let him take me. I won't! You don't know him. He'll find me. He'll try and break me the way he broke her!"
Sawyer turned away but I spun her back around to face me. I crouched down, ensuring my eyes were in line with hers so she could see the truth in my eyes if by chance she didn't hear it in my words. "I know he's not coming because I went there. To the fairgrounds. That's where I was tonight. I saw the trucks come in off the highway and I followed them."
Sawyer took a step back, and this time I let her have the space. It was only a few steps although now it felt like a canyon between us.
"And no one could break you. No one. You're far too strong to be broken by weak minded people. Look at all you've been through and how far you've come."
"I won't have it all taken away from me. Not when I just found this place. Not when I just found you."
I felt damned awful for leaving out the parts of the story that were--as Critter would say--not my story to tell. "I went there tonight, and I overheard some of the workers talking. Your father--Richard-- isn't coming. Not for a while anyway. We have time. We won’t be here when he gets here. It will all be okay.” I said, trying as much to convince myself as I was Sawyer.
Sawyer scoffed. "He'll want his revenge for the money I stole. He'll want his revenge for me running away. He'll kill me the way I'm sure he'd always planned to kill me because he blamed me when she died." A look of pure panic crossed over her face. "Wait, my mother! Does he know she's alive? She can't know? If he's not there, then where is he? Where is my father?" She placed her shaky fingers over her lips.
I cringed at the next answer I had to deliver to her. "He’s not here. If he crosses the state line, we will know first. I’m going to protect you, Sawyer. I swear with everything I have that I will keep you safe.”
"But he could come here. He could come for us." She gasped. "My mother!"
"Your mother is with Critter right now. She's safe. I promise. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her just like I would never let anything happen to you.”
Sawyer shoulders visibly dropped until she straightened like she’d rethought whatever had her slumping over to begin with. "I'm going to go to the church," she said, marching toward the door. "I'm going to tell them what a monster he is. They may not value women but they can't turn a blind eye to all the harm he's caused. If they can use the Bible to justify their actions they can use it to see how wrong they are as well.”
I pushed the door shut the second she opened it. "No, the fuck you won't. I'm going to keep you safe whether you like it or not and confronting an entire church of your father's supporters isn't in the plans."
"I have to do something! I can’t just sit here like a cow in a pasture waiting for the butcher. I must act. I must get to him first. I have to tell someone in the church about who he is and what he is capable of!" Her eyes were wild. Crazed. “I feel like a caged animal. There is no escape. There will never be an escape.”
"Yes, there will be. But tell me this, what do you think is going to happen when you walk into that tent and accuse one of their own of things you yourself told me they may already know about. And even if they didn’t condone that sort of thing why would they listen to you? You're a defector with no physical evidence to back up your claims. Who do you think they are going to believe?"
"You're right." She shook her head. Her face was splotchy patches of red and pink over her smattering of freckles. Her shoulders deflated. She ran her fingers through her hair and tugged at the roots. "I can’t just wait for him to hurt us again. Not this time.”
"We will figure something out. We will get a plan together but you best believe I'm not letting you do something bullheaded and brave if it puts you at any sort of risk."
"But I can do this!" she argued. "I can go stop him!"
"No!" I growled, backing her into a shelf. Books clattered to the ground.
"We've been through this, Finn. Don't treat me like I'm fragile. Like I'm going to break.” She turned her back to me. “I'm not her. I'm not Jackie!"
"No. You're nothing like her," I said softly. Reaching for her, I gently grip her waist as if to remind her she wasn’t alone anymore and never would be again. "You're strong, my love. So very strong."
"Then please stop treating me like you don't trust me to handle this when I've handled so much worse! I've seen worse. If we make decisions together then help me make this one," she argued.
I tipped her chin up until her eyes found mine. "No," I snapped, trying to keep my tone as soft as possible so she wouldn’t confuse my assertiveness with anger. "That’s not happening. I trust you. I do. I just want to keep you safe and I can't do that if—”
"You can't what, Finn?" Sawyer asked. She held out her arms like she was waiting to catch whatever answer I was going to throw at her. "Because whatever it is you have to tell me, tell me, because I’m tired of these half-truths that have been fed to me my entire life.”
"I can't fucking lose you!" I shouted, my words echoed off the walls and ceiling, surrounding us in the desperation of my words.
She took a step back but I held her in place. I leaned down and gazed into the depths of her eyes. With all the determination I could muster, I told her the truth. Gentler this time. "I just can't lose you. I can't go through that again. Not with you. Not ever. I just fucking can't. Don’t put me through that. I won’t recover because I refuse to live without you.”
The anger was instantly doused from her eyes and she leaned into me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "You won't ever lose me," she said. "But you have to promise not to treat me like I'm made from glass or thin paper when I'm—”
