This Regret
Page 57
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“Look Kade¸ I had to get away from the party. I couldn’t handle it. You know how I feel about that. You can’t judge me for leaving when I got the chance.” My voice is loud, the anger in me taking over, blinding me and I don’t care if he notices. “I never wanted to go in the first place. You made me feel guilty, so I went. I gave it a shot and you’re sitting here judging me because of who I left with? Oh, come on Kade. You’ll never get it. Kellan does and yesterday, I needed that. If you can’t handle that . . . then I don’t know what else to say.”
His eyes are distant, his face creased in anger. He just stares at me, not saying anything. Did I render him speechless for once? I probably shouldn’t have added the last part, but I couldn’t help it. Kellan hasn’t left my mind and I have a feeling he never will. It’s impossible not to bring him up, no matter the situation or the consequences.
He lets out a dark chuckle, his eyes darkening to a shade of midnight blue. “So Kellan was your escape? I kind of figured that, but Jen refused to enlighten me on any details.” He shakes his head and presses his hand to his forehead, taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. “Where did you go? You must have had a late night since you didn’t bother picking up your car.”
Why did he have to come here? I’m trying to push the memories out of my mind so I can get back to reality and out of this stupid dream world I’ve been living in, even though it’s pointless. Now he's sitting here in front of me, forcing me to remind myself of the hurt I’m getting myself into. Man, this is not cool. I don’t want to talk about this right now, but it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice. “We went to see Adric, okay. Is that what you want to hear? We spent the whole night talking about Adric and old memories and it felt good. It felt so good remembering those days. I miss those days so damn much, Kade.” I stand up with my back facing the bed, choking back the tears that are threatening to form. Visiting Adric with Kellan was the happiest I’ve been in years. I loved that feeling and I don’t want to lose it, but I know eventually he’ll be gone and I’ll be a total wreck left to pick up the pieces of my heart left behind.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, soft and warm against my skin, before I’m spun around, face to face with Kade. His face presses against mine, his cheek resting against my lips as we both breathe heavily. “I’m sorry Phoenix. I’m sorry I don’t understand like he does, but what I do understand and he doesn’t, is what you’ve been through over the years when he was too coward to be here.” He turns his face slightly so his lips rest against the corner of mine, causing my heartbeat to quicken. “I’ve always been here, you just didn’t realize it until he was gone. It's time for you to realize I’m not going anywhere.”
Both of his hands cup my face as he crushes his lips against mine, wrapping his hand in the back of my hair. Lost in the moment, he turns us around so my back is facing the bed. Pushing me backwards until I'm lying on the bed, he spreads my legs and presses his body in the opening, our lips still touching.
His warm tongue slips through my parted lips causing him to moan and slide his hand up the towel, snaking beneath me to cup my bare ass.
Panic sets in and my heart is pounding so fast it hurts. Not in a good way either. This is so wrong. So so wrong. Kade’s lips can never fill the void of Kellan’s, no matter how good they feel against me. Whether I’m kellan’s or not, my heart doesn’t sit with Kade. I need to push this back into the friend zone, where it should have stayed to begin with.
“Stop!” I place my hands on his chest and give him a light shove as I pull my face away from his and cover my face with my hands. “I can’t do this, Kade.”
He sits up and runs his hands through his curls, biting his bottom lip and grunting. “What is with you? You were all up for being with me before my brother showed back up. What is the deal, Phoenix? I want you bad. So f**king badly, I can’t even explain the feeling.” He runs his hand up my thigh again, brushing his hand over the wetness he’s causing, before slipping a finger inside. He shoves his finger further, leaning above me, as I let a small moan slip. “You can’t deny what I do to you,” he whispers against my lips. “You want this just as bad as I do. I can feel how wet you get when I touch you. Once you let me in, you will see how good it feels to have me inside you.”
“I said . . . I can’t.” I push him, but harder this time, pulling away from him and scrambling to my feet, gripping my towel to cover myself. He’s right, his touch does something to me. That’s why I’m so screwed up and I refuse to be weak and give myself to two men. I’m not up for playing these kind of games with him. “I can’t because I had sex with your brother last night and he’s all I can think about. He’s all I’ve ever thought about.” The words spill out before I can even think. The secret is out now, no matter who it hurts.
His jaw clenches, his fists tightening at his sides before he jumps to his feet and backs me into the wall with his hands planted on either sides of my face as he leans in close. “Are you stupid, Phoenix? You gave yourself to someone that abandoned you. Someone you haven’t seen in eight years. He just shows up out of nowhere and you throw yourself all over him and f**k him.” His voice shakes as he punches the wall with his fist, causing me to jump. “Fuck! I hate that ass**le even more. Why the f**k did he come back? Things could have been good between us. Do you get what you’re throwing away? Throwing away for someone that is only going to hurt you in the end?”
My blood runs cold as he reminds me of the hurt I am sure will come. I’m not sure I can handle it when it does, but right now, seeing him while I can is enough to numb me from the thoughts. “I wasn’t throwing myself all over him, Kade.” I try to push his arms down so I can get away, but he’s too strong, keeping me blocked in. He stares me in the eye with a satisfied grin and that pisses me off more. “Dammit! Don’t you talk to me like this. You act as if you wouldn’t have hurt me in the end. Don’t think I don’t know your history with women. When was the last time you were faithful to someone, huh? Answer me.” I push his chest and lean my head against the wall, defeated. This is draining what little energy I have and I hate to waste it on such crap.
His eyes are distant, his face creased in anger. He just stares at me, not saying anything. Did I render him speechless for once? I probably shouldn’t have added the last part, but I couldn’t help it. Kellan hasn’t left my mind and I have a feeling he never will. It’s impossible not to bring him up, no matter the situation or the consequences.
He lets out a dark chuckle, his eyes darkening to a shade of midnight blue. “So Kellan was your escape? I kind of figured that, but Jen refused to enlighten me on any details.” He shakes his head and presses his hand to his forehead, taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. “Where did you go? You must have had a late night since you didn’t bother picking up your car.”
Why did he have to come here? I’m trying to push the memories out of my mind so I can get back to reality and out of this stupid dream world I’ve been living in, even though it’s pointless. Now he's sitting here in front of me, forcing me to remind myself of the hurt I’m getting myself into. Man, this is not cool. I don’t want to talk about this right now, but it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice. “We went to see Adric, okay. Is that what you want to hear? We spent the whole night talking about Adric and old memories and it felt good. It felt so good remembering those days. I miss those days so damn much, Kade.” I stand up with my back facing the bed, choking back the tears that are threatening to form. Visiting Adric with Kellan was the happiest I’ve been in years. I loved that feeling and I don’t want to lose it, but I know eventually he’ll be gone and I’ll be a total wreck left to pick up the pieces of my heart left behind.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, soft and warm against my skin, before I’m spun around, face to face with Kade. His face presses against mine, his cheek resting against my lips as we both breathe heavily. “I’m sorry Phoenix. I’m sorry I don’t understand like he does, but what I do understand and he doesn’t, is what you’ve been through over the years when he was too coward to be here.” He turns his face slightly so his lips rest against the corner of mine, causing my heartbeat to quicken. “I’ve always been here, you just didn’t realize it until he was gone. It's time for you to realize I’m not going anywhere.”
Both of his hands cup my face as he crushes his lips against mine, wrapping his hand in the back of my hair. Lost in the moment, he turns us around so my back is facing the bed. Pushing me backwards until I'm lying on the bed, he spreads my legs and presses his body in the opening, our lips still touching.
His warm tongue slips through my parted lips causing him to moan and slide his hand up the towel, snaking beneath me to cup my bare ass.
Panic sets in and my heart is pounding so fast it hurts. Not in a good way either. This is so wrong. So so wrong. Kade’s lips can never fill the void of Kellan’s, no matter how good they feel against me. Whether I’m kellan’s or not, my heart doesn’t sit with Kade. I need to push this back into the friend zone, where it should have stayed to begin with.
“Stop!” I place my hands on his chest and give him a light shove as I pull my face away from his and cover my face with my hands. “I can’t do this, Kade.”
He sits up and runs his hands through his curls, biting his bottom lip and grunting. “What is with you? You were all up for being with me before my brother showed back up. What is the deal, Phoenix? I want you bad. So f**king badly, I can’t even explain the feeling.” He runs his hand up my thigh again, brushing his hand over the wetness he’s causing, before slipping a finger inside. He shoves his finger further, leaning above me, as I let a small moan slip. “You can’t deny what I do to you,” he whispers against my lips. “You want this just as bad as I do. I can feel how wet you get when I touch you. Once you let me in, you will see how good it feels to have me inside you.”
“I said . . . I can’t.” I push him, but harder this time, pulling away from him and scrambling to my feet, gripping my towel to cover myself. He’s right, his touch does something to me. That’s why I’m so screwed up and I refuse to be weak and give myself to two men. I’m not up for playing these kind of games with him. “I can’t because I had sex with your brother last night and he’s all I can think about. He’s all I’ve ever thought about.” The words spill out before I can even think. The secret is out now, no matter who it hurts.
His jaw clenches, his fists tightening at his sides before he jumps to his feet and backs me into the wall with his hands planted on either sides of my face as he leans in close. “Are you stupid, Phoenix? You gave yourself to someone that abandoned you. Someone you haven’t seen in eight years. He just shows up out of nowhere and you throw yourself all over him and f**k him.” His voice shakes as he punches the wall with his fist, causing me to jump. “Fuck! I hate that ass**le even more. Why the f**k did he come back? Things could have been good between us. Do you get what you’re throwing away? Throwing away for someone that is only going to hurt you in the end?”
My blood runs cold as he reminds me of the hurt I am sure will come. I’m not sure I can handle it when it does, but right now, seeing him while I can is enough to numb me from the thoughts. “I wasn’t throwing myself all over him, Kade.” I try to push his arms down so I can get away, but he’s too strong, keeping me blocked in. He stares me in the eye with a satisfied grin and that pisses me off more. “Dammit! Don’t you talk to me like this. You act as if you wouldn’t have hurt me in the end. Don’t think I don’t know your history with women. When was the last time you were faithful to someone, huh? Answer me.” I push his chest and lean my head against the wall, defeated. This is draining what little energy I have and I hate to waste it on such crap.
