Thoughtless
Page 57

Reopening my eyes, I looked at him and softened my gaze, and my voice. "I'm sorry I assumed...but, why would you let me think that for so long?"
His gaze and voice softened too. "I wanted to hurt you..."
"Why?" I whispered and took a step towards him. Jenny seeing us both calmer, let me pass. Kellan looked away, and didn't answer. I walked over to him and put a hand on his cheek, he closed his eyes at my touch. "Why, Kellan?"
Without opening his eyes, he whispered, "Because you hurt me...so many times. I wanted to hurt you back."
My anger extinguished. Kellan, his anger sapped as well, slowly opened his eyes, pain clearly visible in his features. He stared back at me silently. Somewhere in the back of my head, I heard Jenny walk over to Evan and tell him that they should give us a moment. Then I heard the door open and close, and Kellan and I were alone.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Kellan...either of you." The silence of the space reverberated back to me and I sank to my knees, right there in the middle of the room. The roller coaster of emotions was wearing me down - the guilt, the excitement, the pain, the thrill, and the anger. I could barely remember how perfect I had thought things were in the beginning, before I had ruined everything.
Kellan knelt down on the ground across from me and took my hands in his. "It doesn't matter now, Kiera. Things are how they're supposed to be. You're with Denny and I'm... I'm..." He swallowed.
I just so missed how things used to be, how sweet our relationship used to be, before Kellan got cold, then hot, then...whatever it was he was being now. It slipped out before I could think about it, "I miss you," I whispered to him.
His breath caught and I heard him swallow loudly. "Kiera..."
The tears started coming and I just wanted my friend back. Surprisingly, he pulled me into an embrace, like he used to so long ago. I clutched him tight, needing his nearness. He stroked my back while I started sobbing into his shoulder. I just wanted to stop feeling so much. My head was spinning with guilt and anger and heat and pain.
He mumbled something into my shoulder that almost sounded like, "I'm sorry, baby." My heart sped at the thought of those tender words coming from him.
He sat back on his heels, keeping me tight to him, so that I was sitting on his lap, my knees on either side of him. He started stroking my hair and I started relaxing into him. He held me that way for a long time. My tears slowly stopped, and I turned my head to look at him.
Surprisingly, his eyes were closed and his head was down. He looked sad. I tried to move off of him, but keeping his eyes closed, he pulled me tighter to him. "No, please...stay," he whispered.
Instantly, I was aware of how dangerous our position was. But for our breathing, how silent the room was, how tight he embraced me, how long it had been since we had really held each other. He opened his eyes slowly and turned to look at me, and I could see that he was aware of the danger too. His lips parted, his breath quickened. I could see the wistful pain of wanting me in his eyes. Kellan was right...there was a reason we should never touch.
Thinking only of telling him that I couldn't do this anymore to Denny, I whispered, "I miss you, so much." That wasn't what I had been going to say at all. What was wrong with me?
He closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to rest on mine. I could clearly see how difficult I was making this for him, and I really didn't mean to...
"Kiera, I can't..." He swallowed again. "This is wrong, you're not mine."
I thrilled at the word mine coming from his lips, and hated myself for it. Mentally agreeing with him, I whispered, "I am yours." Wait, no that's not what I meant to say either...
He made an odd noise and drew a ragged breath. "Are you...?" He whispered so softly, I barely heard him. He looked up at me and the passion was burning in his eyes again. "I want you so much..."
I felt such sorrow for the loss of the easy friendship we once had, such guilt over what I constantly did to betray Denny, and such a painful need being in Kellan's arms...and the latter was winning. I had missed him so much, and now that he was with me, I suddenly didn't want him to leave me, ever again.
"I want you too," I whispered and for the first time, it was what I meant to say.
He rolled then, so that I was lying on the floor and he was pressing into me. Breathing softly, he paused, almost touching my lips. He held himself there and I could see the struggle in his eyes. He wasn't sure if I really wanted this.
Before I knew what I was saying, it all spilled out in a rush. "I've missed you so much. I've wanted to touch you for so long. I've wanted to hold you for so long. I've wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan...I always have."
He still held himself, hovering over my lips, his eyes frantically searching my face, looking for a lie in my words. "I won't... I won't be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this, than be hurt by you again. I can't..."
I searched myself, for what my truth was...but all I could find in my body was an aching loneliness for him. I couldn't take another day of him being with another woman. I couldn't handle another second of his lips on anyone's, but mine. I wasn't even thinking about what that meant for Denny and me. I was only thinking that I needed Kellan to be mine...only mine.
I grabbed his face gently with my hands. "Don't leave me. You are mine...and I'm yours. I want you...and you can have me. Just stop being with all those-"
He pulled away from me. "No, I won't be with you, because you're jealous."
I brought his face close to mine again, and borrowed one of his moves that so long ago had driven me mad. I lightly slid my tongue under and along his upper lip. It had the same effect on him that it had on me. He closed his eyes and shuddered, inhaling quickly.
"Kiera...no. Don't do this to me again..."
I paused. "I'm not, Kellan. I'm sorry I pushed you away before, but I'm not saying no anymore."
I brought my tongue back to his intoxicatingly delicious skin. I only made it halfway along his lip, when he brought his mouth down to mine. He paused while kissing me and pulled back, his breath shallow and fast. He stared at me, suddenly looking very nervous.
"I'm in love with you," he whispered, searching my eyes. He looked very pale and very scared, and a little...hopeful.
"Kellan, I..." I didn't know what to say, my eyes were starting to tear up again.
He didn't let me even attempt to finish. He brought a hand up to stroke my cheek and kissed me again, but tenderly, sweetly, the kiss was full of emotion. "I'm so in love with you, Kiera. I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I say awful things to you. I'm sorry I lied about your sister...I never touched her. I promised you I wouldn't. I couldn't let you know...how much I adore you...how much you hurt me." It was as if finally telling me what he really felt, released all the rest of his bottled up emotions, and he couldn't stop himself.
He spoke rapidly in-between his tender kisses. "I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The women... I was so scared to touch you. You didn't want me...I couldn't take the pain. I tried to get over you. Every time with them, I was with you. I'm so sorry...I love you."
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I listened in shocked silence. His heartfelt words, his tender lips, it made me even weaker, made my heart race.
His lips never stopped moving over mine, his words never stopped flowing between them. "Forgive me...please. I tried to forget you. It didn't work...I just want you more. God, I've missed you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I've never wanted anyone, like I want you. Every girl is you to me. You're all I see...you're all I want. I want you so much. I want you forever. Forgive me... I love you so much."
I still couldn't process what he was saying, the look of fear and hope in his eyes. It made me want him even more though. It made my breath heavy and ragged. His kiss picked up intensity in response. "God, I love you. I need you. Forgive me...stay with me. Say you need me too...say you want me too. Please...be mine."
He instantly stopped kissing me and froze, staring at me terrified again, like he finally just realized exactly what he had been saying. "Kiera...?" His voice was shaky. His eyes glistened while he searched mine.
I realized that I hadn't said anything in a really long time. He had been pouring his heart out to me, and I hadn't said a word. Of course, he really hadn't left me an opportunity to speak, but from the terror in his eyes, I don't think he realized that. All he could see looking at me, were my tears and my silence.
Emotion locked up my throat and I closed my eyes, giving myself a minute to absorb everything. He loved me? He adored me? He loved me? He wanted me...forever? He loved me? He wanted me to be with him? He loved me? Feelings for him that I had struggled so hard to push back, flooded through me. Everything we had gone through - every tear, every joy, every jealousy - had he loved me the whole time?
I felt him pull away from me, and I realized I was still lying silent with my eyes closed. I opened them and looked up to his sad, terrified face. I grabbed his arm and stopped him from moving away from me. He met my gaze, the tear in his eye finally rolling down his cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb and cupped his cheek. I pulled him closer and kissed him tenderly.
"Kiera..." he muttered between my lips, pulling away slightly.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "You were always right...we're not friends. We're so much more. I want to be with you, Kellan. I want to be yours. I am yours." It was all I felt in that moment, all I could think to say. In that instant, he was my entire world. Nothing else even existed to me besides him, and I didn't want to resist him anymore. I was tired of fighting this. I wanted to be his...in every way.
He rolled back on top of me and brought his mouth back to mine. He exhaled softly and he kissed me deeply, like we hadn't kissed in years. The passion I felt coming from him was almost overwhelming, his whole body trembled with it. He shifted his weight and pushed against me, making a noise deep in his throat that thrilled me.
I ran my hands down his back and he shuddered. I felt the edge of his shirt and grabbing it, ran my fingers up his bare skin, taking the shirt with me. Gently I pulled it off of him, gazing at his amazing perfection for a second, before his lips came back down to mine.
He shifted his weight again and brought his hands slowly down my neck, across my chest and up under my shirt. His hands were shaking as he pushed my shirt up and pulled it off me. His body was still shaking lightly as he kissed me. He was holding back, I realized. Forcing himself to go slowly, forcing himself to remain in control, in case I changed my mind. The thought of how much he wanted me, and how unsure he was of me, filled my body with fire.
I ran my hands back down his bare back, feeling every muscle, every defined line. He groaned lightly as I brought my hands around to his chest and ran my fingers along the faint scar on his ribs, the scar he had gotten because of me...because he loved me. His lips never leaving mine, his hands brushed over my shoulders, down my arms, over my bra, down to my waist. I sighed happily at how good it felt to feel his touch again; it had been so achingly long. He shifted again and his shaking hands lowered to my jeans. His fingers played with the waistband on them, almost considering if he should...
I pulled away from his lips and whispered in his ear, "I'm yours...don't stop." I shifted my weight under him suggestively. Exhaling and relaxing, Kellan listened to me, he didn't stop. He started unbuttoning my jeans and biting my lip, I moved to unbutton his. He pulled back to watch me intently. He stopped shaking. He seemed to finally believe that I wasn't going to stop this. I finished undoing his jeans, as he was starting to pull mine down. Gazing at me with such love in his face, he softly said my name, and that he loved me again, and started kissing my neck.
His face, his words, hit me with such intensity, that I stopped breathing. Suddenly this felt wrong, dirty. It didn't match his tender words, and I couldn't go through with it. "Kellan, wait...just a min-" I said tentatively.
"Kiera..." He stopped tugging at my jeans and groaned heavily. He sagged his entire body against mine, his head resting on my shoulder. "Oh...my...god. Are you serious?" He rocked his head back and forth on my shoulder. "Please don't do this again. I can't take it."