This kiss is a different Miles, and I know in my heart that its the real Miles. The Miles he used to be. The Miles Im not allowed to ask about.
He rolls off of me when hes finished.
I stare up at the ceiling.
My head is full of so many questions. My heart is full of confusion. This thing between us has never been easy. One would think limiting oneself to just sex would be the simplest thing in the world, but it makes me question every move and every word that comes out of my mouth. I find myself analyzing every look he gives me.
I dont even know what move Im supposed to make next. Do I lie here until he asks me to leave? Ive never stayed the night with him before. Do I roll over and put my arms around him, hoping hell hold me in return until we fall asleep? Im too scared hell reject me.
Im stupid.
Im a stupid, stupid girl.
Why cant this just be sex for me, too? Why cant I come over here, give him what he wants, get what I want, and leave?
I roll onto my side and slowly sit up. I reach down for my clothes, then stand up and dress myself. Hes watching me. Hes quiet.
I avoid looking at him until Im fully dressed and slipping on my shoes. As much as I want to crawl back into the bed with him, I walk toward the door instead. I dont turn around to face him when I say, See you tomorrow, Miles.
I make it all the way to his front door. He doesnt speak. He doesnt tell me hell see me tomorrow, and he doesnt tell me goodbye.
Im hoping his silence is proof that he doesnt like how it feels to be walked away from.
I open the door and walk across the hall and into my apartment. Corbin is seated on the couch, watching TV. He glances up at the door when he hears me enter, then shoots me a condescending look of disapproval.
Lighten up, I say as I make my way inside. I slip off my shoes by the door. You have to get over this eventually.
I see him shake his head, but I ignore it and walk toward my bedroom.
He was screwing you behind my back and lying to me, Corbin says. Thats not something Ill get over.
I face the living room again and see that Corbin is looking at me. Did you expect him to be open with you about it? My God, Corbin. You kicked Dillon out of your apartment for looking at me the wrong way.
Corbin stands up, angry now. Exactly! he shouts. I thought Miles was protecting you from Dillon, when in reality, he was laying claim! Hes a goddamn hypocrite, and Ill be pissed at him for as long as I want to be pissed at him, so you get over it!
I laugh, because Corbin has no right to point fingers.
Whats funny, Tate? he snaps.
I walk back to the living room and stand directly in front of him. Miles has been nothing but honest with me about what he wants. He hasnt once fed me a line of bullshit. Im the only girl hes been with in six years, and youre going to call him a hypocrite? I dont even try to keep my voice down anymore. You might want to look in the mirror, Corbin. How many girls have you been with since Ive moved in here? How many of them do you think have brothers who would love to kick your ass if they found out about you? If anyones the hypocrite here, its you!
His hands are on his hips, and hes watching me with a hardened look in his eyes. When he fails to respond, I turn to walk back toward my room, but the front door opens with a knock.
Miles.
Corbin and I both turn, just as he peeks his head inside. Everything good over here? he asks, stepping into the living room.
I glance at Corbin, and Corbin glares at me. I arch an eyebrow, waiting for him to respond to the question Miles posed, since hes the one with the issue.
You okay, Tate? Miles asks, addressing only me now.
I look back over at him and nod. Im fine, I say. Im not the one with unrealistic expectations of my sibling.
Corbin groans loudly, then turns around and kicks the couch. Miles and I watch him as he slides his hands through his hair and grips the back of his neck tightly. He turns to face Miles again, then exhales heavily.
Why couldnt you have just been gay?
Miles looks at him with careful concentration. Im waiting for either of them to have a reaction, so Ill know whether or not I can breathe.
Miles begins to shake his head as soon as a smile appears on his face.
Corbin starts to laugh, but he groans at the same time, indicating that he just came to terms with our arrangement, even though he still may not agree with it.
I smile and walk quietly out of the apartment, hoping theyre about to mend whatever was broken between them when I stepped into the picture.
The elevator doors open on the lobby level, and Im prepared to step off, but Cap is poised in front of them as if hes about to step on.
You coming for me? he asks.
I nod and point upward. Corbin and Miles are working things out upstairs. I was giving them a minute.
Cap steps into the elevator and presses the button for the twentieth floor. Well, I suppose you can walk me home, he says. He grabs the bars behind him for support. I stand next to him and lean against the wall behind me.
Can I ask you a question, Cap?
He gives me the all clear with a nod. I love being asked them as much as I love asking them.
I look down at my shoes, crossing one foot over the other. What do you think would make a man never want to experience love again?
Cap doesnt answer my question for at least five floors. I eventually look at him, and hes looking right at me, his eyes narrowed, producing even more wrinkles between them. I suppose if a man lived through the ugliest side of love, he might never want to experience it again.
I contemplate his answer, but it doesnt help much. I dont see how love could get ugly enough for a person to just shut himself off from it completely.
The elevator doors open to the twentieth floor, and I let him step off first. I walk with him to his apartment door and wait for him to open it. Tate, he says. Hes facing his door, and he doesnt turn around to finish his sentence. Sometimes a mans spirit just aint strong enough to withstand the ghosts from his past. He opens his apartment door and walks inside. Maybe that boy just lost his spirit somewhere along the way. He closes his door and leaves me attempting to decipher even more confusion.
Chapter twenty-six
MILES
Six years earlier
My room is Rachels now. Rachels room is my room.
We graduated. We moved in together. Were in college now.
See? Weve got this.
Ian brings in the last of the boxes from the car. Where do you
want this one? he asks.
What is it? Rachel asks him.
He tells her it looks like a box full of her bras and underwear.
She laughs and tells him to set it next to my dresser. Ian does.
Ian likes Rachel. Ian likes that shes not holding me back. Ian
likes that she wants me to get my degree and finish flight
school.
Rachel wants me to be happy. I tell Rachel Ill be happy as long
as I have her.
She tells me, Then youll always be happy.
My dad still hates me. My dad doesnt want to hate me.
Theyre trying to accept it, but its hard. Its hard for everyone.
Rachel doesnt care what everyone thinks. She only cares what
I think, and I only think about Rachel.
Im learning that no matter how difficult a situation is, people
learn how to adapt to it. My dad and her mom may not
approve, but theyll adapt.
Rachel may not be ready to be a mom, and I may not be ready
to be a dad, but were adapting.
Its what has to happen. If people want peace within
themselves, its necessary.
Vital, even.
Miles.
I love my name when it comes out of her mouth. She doesnt
waste it. She only says it when she needs something. She only
says it when it needs to be said.
Miles.
She said it twice.
She must really need something.
I roll over, and shes sitting up in bed. She looks at me, wide—
eyed.
Miles. Three times. Miles. Four. It hurts.
Shit.
I jump out of bed and grab our bag. I help Rachel change
clothes. I help her to the car.
Shes scared.
I might be more scared than she is.
I hold her hand while we drive. I tell her to breathe. I dont
know why I tell her this. Of course, she knows to breathe.
I dont know what else to tell her.
I feel helpless.
Maybe she wants her mom.
Do you want me to call them?
She shakes her head. Not yet, she says. After.
She just wants it to be us. I like this. I just want it to be us, too.
A nurse helps her out of the car. They take us to a room. I get
Rachel whatever she needs.
Do you need ice?
I get it for her.
Do you want a cold rag?
I get it for her.
Do you want me to turn off the TV?
I turn it off.
Do you want another blanket, Rachel? You look cold.
I dont get her a blanket. Shes not cold.
Do you want more ice?
She doesnt want more ice.
She wants me to shut up.
I shut up.
Give me your hand, Miles.
I give it to her.
I want it back.
Shes hurting it.
I let her keep it anyway.
Shes quiet. She never makes a sound. She just breathes. Shes
incredible.
Im crying. I dont know why.
I love you so goddamn much, Rachel.
The doctor tells her shes almost done. I kiss her on the
forehead.
It happens.
Im a dad.
Shes a mom.
Its a boy, the doctor says.
Shes holding him. Shes holding my heart.
He stops crying. He tries to open his eyes.
Rachel cries.
Rachel laughs.
Rachel tells me thank you.
Rachel tells me thank you. Like she wasnt the one who created
this.
Rachel is crazy.
I love him so much, Miles, she says. Shes still crying. I love
him so, so much.
I love him, too, I tell her. I touch him. I want to hold him,
but I want her to hold him even more. She looks beautiful
holding him.
Rachel looks up at me. Will you please tell me his name
now?
I was hoping he would be a boy so I could have this moment.
I was hoping I could tell her what her sons name is, because I
know shell love it.
I hope she remembers the moment
she
became
my
everything.
Miles is going to show you the way to Mr. Claytons class, Rachel.
His name is Clayton.
She begins to sob.
She remembers.
Its perfect, she says, her words mixed with tears.
Shes crying too hard now. She wants me to hold him.
I sit on the bed with her and take him.
Im holding him.
Im holding my son.
Rachel rests her head on my arm, and we stare at him.
We stare at him for so long. I tell Rachel he has her red hair.
Rachel says he has my lips. I tell Rachel I hope he has her
personality. She disagrees and says she hopes hes just like me.
He makes life so much better, she says.
He sure does.
Were so lucky, Miles.
We sure are.
Rachel squeezes my hand.
Weve got this, Rachel whispers.
Weve so got this, I tell her.
Clayton yawns, and it makes us both laugh.
Since when did yawns become so incredible?
I touch his fingers.
We love you so much, Clayton.
Chapter twenty-seven
TATE
I drop down into the chair beside Cap, still dressed from head to toe in my scrubs. As soon as I got home from work, I studied for two hours straight. Its already after ten, and I havent even had supper yet, which is why Im sitting next to Cap right now, because hes getting to know my habits and had a pizza ordered for the two of us.
I hand him a slice and grab my own, then shut the lid and set it on the floor in front of me. I shove a huge bite into my mouth, but Cap is staring down at the slice in his hand.
Its really sad when pizza can make it to you faster than the police¸ he says. I just ordered this ten minutes ago. He takes a bite and closes his eyes like its the best thing hes ever tasted.
We both finish our slices, and I reach for another one. He shakes his head when I offer him a second slice, so I put it back in the box.
So? he says. Any progress between the boy and his friend?
It makes me laugh that he constantly refers to Miles as the boy. I nod and respond with a mouthful. Kind of, I say. They had a successful game night, but I think it was only successful because Miles pretended I wasnt there the whole time. I know hes trying to respect Corbin, but it kind of makes me feel like shit in the process, you know?
Cap nods like he understands. Im not sure that he does, but I like that he always listens so attentively anyway. Of course, he texted me the entire time he was in the living room sitting next to Corbin, so I guess I have that. But then there are weeks like this week when hes not even in the same state, and its like I dont even exist to him. No texts. No phone calls. Im pretty sure he only thinks about me when Im within ten feet of him.
Cap shakes his head. I doubt that. I bet that boy thinks about you a lot more than he lets on.
Id like to believe those words to be true, but Im not so sure they are.
But if he doesnt, Cap says, you cant be mad at him for it. Wasnt part of the agreement, now, was it?
I roll my eyes. I hate that he always brings me back to the fact that Miles isnt the one breaking rules or agreements. Im the one with the problems in our arrangement, and thats no ones fault but my own.
How did I get myself into this mess? I ask, not even needing an answer. I know how I got myself into this mess. I also know how to get out of it … I just dont want to.
He rolls off of me when hes finished.
I stare up at the ceiling.
My head is full of so many questions. My heart is full of confusion. This thing between us has never been easy. One would think limiting oneself to just sex would be the simplest thing in the world, but it makes me question every move and every word that comes out of my mouth. I find myself analyzing every look he gives me.
I dont even know what move Im supposed to make next. Do I lie here until he asks me to leave? Ive never stayed the night with him before. Do I roll over and put my arms around him, hoping hell hold me in return until we fall asleep? Im too scared hell reject me.
Im stupid.
Im a stupid, stupid girl.
Why cant this just be sex for me, too? Why cant I come over here, give him what he wants, get what I want, and leave?
I roll onto my side and slowly sit up. I reach down for my clothes, then stand up and dress myself. Hes watching me. Hes quiet.
I avoid looking at him until Im fully dressed and slipping on my shoes. As much as I want to crawl back into the bed with him, I walk toward the door instead. I dont turn around to face him when I say, See you tomorrow, Miles.
I make it all the way to his front door. He doesnt speak. He doesnt tell me hell see me tomorrow, and he doesnt tell me goodbye.
Im hoping his silence is proof that he doesnt like how it feels to be walked away from.
I open the door and walk across the hall and into my apartment. Corbin is seated on the couch, watching TV. He glances up at the door when he hears me enter, then shoots me a condescending look of disapproval.
Lighten up, I say as I make my way inside. I slip off my shoes by the door. You have to get over this eventually.
I see him shake his head, but I ignore it and walk toward my bedroom.
He was screwing you behind my back and lying to me, Corbin says. Thats not something Ill get over.
I face the living room again and see that Corbin is looking at me. Did you expect him to be open with you about it? My God, Corbin. You kicked Dillon out of your apartment for looking at me the wrong way.
Corbin stands up, angry now. Exactly! he shouts. I thought Miles was protecting you from Dillon, when in reality, he was laying claim! Hes a goddamn hypocrite, and Ill be pissed at him for as long as I want to be pissed at him, so you get over it!
I laugh, because Corbin has no right to point fingers.
Whats funny, Tate? he snaps.
I walk back to the living room and stand directly in front of him. Miles has been nothing but honest with me about what he wants. He hasnt once fed me a line of bullshit. Im the only girl hes been with in six years, and youre going to call him a hypocrite? I dont even try to keep my voice down anymore. You might want to look in the mirror, Corbin. How many girls have you been with since Ive moved in here? How many of them do you think have brothers who would love to kick your ass if they found out about you? If anyones the hypocrite here, its you!
His hands are on his hips, and hes watching me with a hardened look in his eyes. When he fails to respond, I turn to walk back toward my room, but the front door opens with a knock.
Miles.
Corbin and I both turn, just as he peeks his head inside. Everything good over here? he asks, stepping into the living room.
I glance at Corbin, and Corbin glares at me. I arch an eyebrow, waiting for him to respond to the question Miles posed, since hes the one with the issue.
You okay, Tate? Miles asks, addressing only me now.
I look back over at him and nod. Im fine, I say. Im not the one with unrealistic expectations of my sibling.
Corbin groans loudly, then turns around and kicks the couch. Miles and I watch him as he slides his hands through his hair and grips the back of his neck tightly. He turns to face Miles again, then exhales heavily.
Why couldnt you have just been gay?
Miles looks at him with careful concentration. Im waiting for either of them to have a reaction, so Ill know whether or not I can breathe.
Miles begins to shake his head as soon as a smile appears on his face.
Corbin starts to laugh, but he groans at the same time, indicating that he just came to terms with our arrangement, even though he still may not agree with it.
I smile and walk quietly out of the apartment, hoping theyre about to mend whatever was broken between them when I stepped into the picture.
The elevator doors open on the lobby level, and Im prepared to step off, but Cap is poised in front of them as if hes about to step on.
You coming for me? he asks.
I nod and point upward. Corbin and Miles are working things out upstairs. I was giving them a minute.
Cap steps into the elevator and presses the button for the twentieth floor. Well, I suppose you can walk me home, he says. He grabs the bars behind him for support. I stand next to him and lean against the wall behind me.
Can I ask you a question, Cap?
He gives me the all clear with a nod. I love being asked them as much as I love asking them.
I look down at my shoes, crossing one foot over the other. What do you think would make a man never want to experience love again?
Cap doesnt answer my question for at least five floors. I eventually look at him, and hes looking right at me, his eyes narrowed, producing even more wrinkles between them. I suppose if a man lived through the ugliest side of love, he might never want to experience it again.
I contemplate his answer, but it doesnt help much. I dont see how love could get ugly enough for a person to just shut himself off from it completely.
The elevator doors open to the twentieth floor, and I let him step off first. I walk with him to his apartment door and wait for him to open it. Tate, he says. Hes facing his door, and he doesnt turn around to finish his sentence. Sometimes a mans spirit just aint strong enough to withstand the ghosts from his past. He opens his apartment door and walks inside. Maybe that boy just lost his spirit somewhere along the way. He closes his door and leaves me attempting to decipher even more confusion.
Chapter twenty-six
MILES
Six years earlier
My room is Rachels now. Rachels room is my room.
We graduated. We moved in together. Were in college now.
See? Weve got this.
Ian brings in the last of the boxes from the car. Where do you
want this one? he asks.
What is it? Rachel asks him.
He tells her it looks like a box full of her bras and underwear.
She laughs and tells him to set it next to my dresser. Ian does.
Ian likes Rachel. Ian likes that shes not holding me back. Ian
likes that she wants me to get my degree and finish flight
school.
Rachel wants me to be happy. I tell Rachel Ill be happy as long
as I have her.
She tells me, Then youll always be happy.
My dad still hates me. My dad doesnt want to hate me.
Theyre trying to accept it, but its hard. Its hard for everyone.
Rachel doesnt care what everyone thinks. She only cares what
I think, and I only think about Rachel.
Im learning that no matter how difficult a situation is, people
learn how to adapt to it. My dad and her mom may not
approve, but theyll adapt.
Rachel may not be ready to be a mom, and I may not be ready
to be a dad, but were adapting.
Its what has to happen. If people want peace within
themselves, its necessary.
Vital, even.
Miles.
I love my name when it comes out of her mouth. She doesnt
waste it. She only says it when she needs something. She only
says it when it needs to be said.
Miles.
She said it twice.
She must really need something.
I roll over, and shes sitting up in bed. She looks at me, wide—
eyed.
Miles. Three times. Miles. Four. It hurts.
Shit.
I jump out of bed and grab our bag. I help Rachel change
clothes. I help her to the car.
Shes scared.
I might be more scared than she is.
I hold her hand while we drive. I tell her to breathe. I dont
know why I tell her this. Of course, she knows to breathe.
I dont know what else to tell her.
I feel helpless.
Maybe she wants her mom.
Do you want me to call them?
She shakes her head. Not yet, she says. After.
She just wants it to be us. I like this. I just want it to be us, too.
A nurse helps her out of the car. They take us to a room. I get
Rachel whatever she needs.
Do you need ice?
I get it for her.
Do you want a cold rag?
I get it for her.
Do you want me to turn off the TV?
I turn it off.
Do you want another blanket, Rachel? You look cold.
I dont get her a blanket. Shes not cold.
Do you want more ice?
She doesnt want more ice.
She wants me to shut up.
I shut up.
Give me your hand, Miles.
I give it to her.
I want it back.
Shes hurting it.
I let her keep it anyway.
Shes quiet. She never makes a sound. She just breathes. Shes
incredible.
Im crying. I dont know why.
I love you so goddamn much, Rachel.
The doctor tells her shes almost done. I kiss her on the
forehead.
It happens.
Im a dad.
Shes a mom.
Its a boy, the doctor says.
Shes holding him. Shes holding my heart.
He stops crying. He tries to open his eyes.
Rachel cries.
Rachel laughs.
Rachel tells me thank you.
Rachel tells me thank you. Like she wasnt the one who created
this.
Rachel is crazy.
I love him so much, Miles, she says. Shes still crying. I love
him so, so much.
I love him, too, I tell her. I touch him. I want to hold him,
but I want her to hold him even more. She looks beautiful
holding him.
Rachel looks up at me. Will you please tell me his name
now?
I was hoping he would be a boy so I could have this moment.
I was hoping I could tell her what her sons name is, because I
know shell love it.
I hope she remembers the moment
she
became
my
everything.
Miles is going to show you the way to Mr. Claytons class, Rachel.
His name is Clayton.
She begins to sob.
She remembers.
Its perfect, she says, her words mixed with tears.
Shes crying too hard now. She wants me to hold him.
I sit on the bed with her and take him.
Im holding him.
Im holding my son.
Rachel rests her head on my arm, and we stare at him.
We stare at him for so long. I tell Rachel he has her red hair.
Rachel says he has my lips. I tell Rachel I hope he has her
personality. She disagrees and says she hopes hes just like me.
He makes life so much better, she says.
He sure does.
Were so lucky, Miles.
We sure are.
Rachel squeezes my hand.
Weve got this, Rachel whispers.
Weve so got this, I tell her.
Clayton yawns, and it makes us both laugh.
Since when did yawns become so incredible?
I touch his fingers.
We love you so much, Clayton.
Chapter twenty-seven
TATE
I drop down into the chair beside Cap, still dressed from head to toe in my scrubs. As soon as I got home from work, I studied for two hours straight. Its already after ten, and I havent even had supper yet, which is why Im sitting next to Cap right now, because hes getting to know my habits and had a pizza ordered for the two of us.
I hand him a slice and grab my own, then shut the lid and set it on the floor in front of me. I shove a huge bite into my mouth, but Cap is staring down at the slice in his hand.
Its really sad when pizza can make it to you faster than the police¸ he says. I just ordered this ten minutes ago. He takes a bite and closes his eyes like its the best thing hes ever tasted.
We both finish our slices, and I reach for another one. He shakes his head when I offer him a second slice, so I put it back in the box.
So? he says. Any progress between the boy and his friend?
It makes me laugh that he constantly refers to Miles as the boy. I nod and respond with a mouthful. Kind of, I say. They had a successful game night, but I think it was only successful because Miles pretended I wasnt there the whole time. I know hes trying to respect Corbin, but it kind of makes me feel like shit in the process, you know?
Cap nods like he understands. Im not sure that he does, but I like that he always listens so attentively anyway. Of course, he texted me the entire time he was in the living room sitting next to Corbin, so I guess I have that. But then there are weeks like this week when hes not even in the same state, and its like I dont even exist to him. No texts. No phone calls. Im pretty sure he only thinks about me when Im within ten feet of him.
Cap shakes his head. I doubt that. I bet that boy thinks about you a lot more than he lets on.
Id like to believe those words to be true, but Im not so sure they are.
But if he doesnt, Cap says, you cant be mad at him for it. Wasnt part of the agreement, now, was it?
I roll my eyes. I hate that he always brings me back to the fact that Miles isnt the one breaking rules or agreements. Im the one with the problems in our arrangement, and thats no ones fault but my own.
How did I get myself into this mess? I ask, not even needing an answer. I know how I got myself into this mess. I also know how to get out of it … I just dont want to.
