You ever heard that expression, When life gives you lemons …?
Make lemonade, I say, finishing his quote.
Cap looks at me and shakes his head. Thats not how it goes, he says. When life gives you lemons, make sure you know whose eyes you need to squeeze them in.
I laugh, grab another slice of pizza, and wonder how in the hell I ended up with an eighty-year-old man as my best friend.
Corbins home phone never rings. Especially after midnight. I throw the covers off and grab a T-shirt, then pull it over my head. I dont know why I bother getting dressed. Corbins gone, and Miles isnt due back until tomorrow.
I make it to the kitchen on the fifth ring, right as the answering machine picks up. I cancel the message, then put the phone to my ear.
Hello?
Tate! my mother says. Oh, my God, Tate.
Her voice is panicked, which immediately causes me to panic. What is it?
A plane. A plane crashed about half an hour ago, and I cant get through to the airline. Have you talked to your brother?
My knees meet the floor. Are you sure it was his airline? I ask her. My voice sounds so terrified I dont even recognize it. It sounds as terrified as hers did the last time this happened.
I was only six, but I remember every single detail as if it happened yesterday, down to the moon-and-star pajamas I was wearing. My father was on a domestic flight, and we had turned on the news right after dinner and saw that one of the planes had gone down due to engine failure. Everyone on board was killed. I remember watching my mother on the phone with the airline, hysterical, trying to find out information on who the pilot was. We found out it wasnt him within the hour, but that hour was one of the scariest of our lives.
Until now.
I rush to my room and grab my cell phone off my nightstand and immediately dial his number. Have you tried calling him? I ask my mother as I make my way back to the living room. I try to make it to the couch, but for some reason, the floor seems more comforting. I kneel down again, almost as if Im in prayer mode.
I guess I am.
Yes, Ive been calling his phone nonstop. Its just going to voice mail.
Its a stupid question. Of course, shes tried calling him. I try again anyway, but his phone goes directly to voice mail.
I try to reassure her, but I know its pointless. Until we hear his voice, reassurance wont help. Ill call the airline, I tell her. Ill call you back if I hear anything.
She doesnt even say goodbye.
I use the home phone to call the airline and my cell phone to call Miles. Its the first time Ive ever dialed his number.
I pray that he answers, because as much as Im scared to death for Corbin, its also running through my head that Miles works for the same airline.
My stomach is sick.
Hello? Miles says on the second ring. His voice sounds hesitant, like hes unsure why Im calling.
Miles! I say, both frantic and relieved. Is he okay? Is Corbin okay?
Theres a pause.
Why is there a pause?
What do you mean?
A plane, I say immediately. My mom called. There was a plane crash. Hes not answering his phone.
Where are you? he says quickly.
The apartment.
Let me in.
I walk to the door and unlock it. He pushes the door open and still has the phone to his ear. When he sees me, he pulls the phone away, immediately rushes to the couch, grabs the remote, and turns on the television.
He flips through the channels until he finds the TV news report. He dials numbers on his cell phone, then turns and rushes toward me. He takes my hand in his. Come here, he says, pulling me to him. Im sure hes fine.
I nod against his chest, but his reassurance is pointless.
Gary? he says when someone answers on the other end. Its Miles. Yeah. Yeah, I heard, he says. Who was the crew?
Theres a long pause. Im terrified to look at him. Terrified.
Thank you. He hangs up the phone. Hes okay, Tate, he says immediately. Corbins fine. Ian, too.
I break down into tears of relief.
Miles walks me to the couch and sits down, then pulls me to him. He takes my cell phone out of my hands and presses several buttons before putting the phone to his ear.
Hey, its Miles. Corbin is fine. He pauses for a few seconds. Yeah, shes fine. Ill tell her to call you in the morning. A few more seconds pass, and he says goodbye. He sets the phone on the couch beside him. Your mom.
I nod. I already knew.
And that simple gesture, him calling my mother, just made me fall for him even harder.
Now hes kissing the top of my head, rubbing his hand up and down my arm reassuringly.
Thank you, Miles, I tell him.
He doesnt say youre welcome, because he doesnt think he did anything that deserves thanking.
Did you know them? I ask. The crew on board?
No. They were out of a different hub. The names didnt sound familiar.
My phone vibrates, so Miles hands it back to me. I look at it, and its a text from Corbin.
Corbin: In case youve heard about the plane, just want you to know Im fine. I called headquarters, and Miles is, too. Please let Mom know if she hears about it. Love you.
Receiving his text fills me with even more relief, now that I know with one hundred percent certainty that hes okay.
Its a text from Corbin, I tell Miles. He says youre okay. In case you were worried.
Miles laughs. So he checked up on me? he says with a grin. I knew he couldnt hate me forever.
I smile. I love that Corbin wanted me to know that Miles was okay.
Miles continues to hold me, and I savor every second of it.
When is he scheduled to come home?
Not for two more days, I say. How long have you been home?
About two minutes, he says. I had just plugged my phone in to charge when you called.
Im glad youre back.
He doesnt respond. He doesnt tell me hes glad to be back. Instead of saying something that might give me false hope, he just kisses me.
You know, he says, pulling me onto his lap, I hate the circumstances surrounding the reason you probably didnt have time to put on pants, but I love that you dont have on pants. His hands slide up my thighs, and he pulls me closer until were flush together. He kisses the tip of my nose, then kisses my chin.
Miles? I run my hands through his hair and down his neck, then pause with them on his shoulders. I was also scared it could have been you, I whisper. Thats why Im glad youre back.
His eyes grow soft, and the worry lines between them disappear. I may not know anything about his past or his life, but I definitely notice that he hasnt called anyone to let them know hes okay. That makes me sad for him.
His eyes fall away from mine and land on my chest. He fingers the bottom edges of my shirt, then slowly pulls it over my head. I have nothing but a pair of panties on now.
He leans forward, wraps his arms around my back, and pulls me against his mouth. His lips close softly over my nipple, and my eyes shut involuntarily. Chills erupt over my skin as his hands begin to explore every bare part of my back and my thighs. His mouth works its way to my other breast, just as his hands slip inside my panties at my hips.
I think I have to rip these off you, because I sure dont want you to move off my lap, he says.
I smile. Fine with me. I have more where these came from.
I can feel him grin against my skin as his hands pull at the elastic band of my underwear. He pulls on one side but fails to tear them. He tries ripping the other side to pull them off me, but nothing gives.
Youre giving me a wedgie, I say, laughing.
He lets out a frustrated sigh. Its always so much sexier when they do this on TV.
I readjust myself and sit up straighter. Try it again, I encourage. You can do it, Miles.
He grabs the left side of my panties and yanks them hard.
Ouch! I yell, scooting in the direction of his pull to lessen the pain of the elastic digging into my right side.
He laughs again and drops his face to my neck. Sorry, he says. Got any scissors?
I cringe at the thought of him coming at me with a pair of scissors. I scoot off of him and stand up, then pull my underwear down, kicking them off and away from me.
Watching you do that was totally worth my failed attempt at being sexy, he says.
I smile. Your failed attempt at being sexy actually made you sexy.
My comment makes him laugh again. I walk toward him and climb back onto his lap. He repositions me so that Im straddling him again. My failures are a turn-on for you? he asks teasingly.
Oh, yeah, I murmur. So hot.
His hands are on me again, roaming across my back and down my arms. You would have loved me from the ages of thirteen to sixteen, he says. I failed at pretty much everything. Especially football.
I grin. Now were talking. Tell me more.
Baseball, he says, right before he presses his mouth to my neck. He kisses his way up to my ear. And one semester of world geography.
Holy shit. I moan. Now, thats hot.
He moves his lips to my mouth and pulls me in for a soft kiss. He barely touches his mouth to mine. I failed at kissing, too. Terribly. I almost choked a girl with my tongue once.
I laugh.
Want me to show you?
As soon as I nod, hes repositioning us on the couch until Im lying on my back and hes on top of me. Open your mouth.
I open it. He drops his mouth to mine and shoves his tongue inside, giving me what is quite possibly the worst kiss Ive ever experienced. I push against his chest, attempting to get his tongue out of my mouth, but he doesnt budge. I turn my face to the left, and he begins licking my cheek, causing me to laugh even harder.
Oh, my God, that was terrible, Miles!
He pulls his mouth away and lowers himself on top of me. I got better.
I nod. Thats a fact, I say, agreeing wholeheartedly.
Were both smiling. The relaxed look on his face fills me with so many emotions I cant even begin to classify them. Im happy, because were having fun together. Im sad, because were having fun together. Im angry, because were having fun together and it makes me want so much more of this. So much more of him.
We quietly stare at each other, until he slowly dips his head, pressing a long kiss against my lips. He begins placing soft kisses all over my mouth until the kisses become longer and more intense. His tongue eventually parts my lips, and the playfulness disappears.
Its quite serious now, as our kisses grow more hurried and his clothes begin to join mine on the floor, piece by piece.
The couch or your bed? he whispers.
Both, I reply.
He obliges.
I fell asleep in my bed.
Next to Miles.
Neither of us has ever fallen asleep afterward before. One of us always leaves. As much as Im trying to convince myself that it means nothing, I know it does. Every time were together, I get a little bit more of him. Whether its a glimpse of his past or time spent without the sex or even time spent sleeping, hes giving me more and more of himself, little by little. I feel like this is both good and bad. Its good, because I want and need so much more of him, so every little bit I get is enough to satisfy me when I begin worrying about everything I dont get from him. But its also bad, because every time I get a little bit more of him, another part of him grows more distant. I can see it in his eyes. Hes worried hes giving me hope, and Im afraid hell eventually just pull away completely.
Everything with Miles will come crashing down.
Its inevitable. Hes so adamant about the things he doesnt want out of life, and Im starting to understand just how serious he is. So as much as I try to protect my heart from him, its pointless. Hes going to break it eventually, yet I continue to allow him to fill it. Every time Im with him, he fills my heart up more and more, and the more its filled with pieces of him, the more painful itll be when he rips it out of my chest as though it never belonged there in the first place.
I hear the vibration of his phone and feel him roll over and reach for it on the nightstand next to him. He thinks Im asleep, so I dont give him reason to think otherwise.
Hey, he whispers. Theres a long pause, and I start to panic internally, wondering who hes talking to. Yeah, Im sorry. I should have called you. I figured youd be asleep.
My heart is in my throat now, crawling its way up, trying to escape from Miles and me and this entire situation. My heart knows by my reaction to this phone call that its in trouble. My heart has just gone into fight-or-flight mode, and right now, its doing everything it can to run.
I dont blame my heart one bit.
Love you, too, Dad.
My heart slides back down my throat and finds its normal home in my chest again. Its happy for now. Im happy. Happy that he actually does have someone to call.
In the same moment, Im also reminded of how little I know about him. How little he shows me. How much he hides himself from me, so that when I finally break, it wont be his fault.
It wont be a quick break, either. Itll be slow and painful, filled with so many moments like these that tear me up from the inside out. Moments when he thinks Im asleep and he slides out of my bed. Moments when I keep my eyes closed but listen as he puts on his clothes. Moments when I make sure my breathing remains regular in case hes watching me when he leans over to kiss me on the forehead.
Moments when he leaves.
Because he always leaves.
Chapter twenty-eight
MILES
Six years earlier
What if he turns out to be gay? Rachel asks me. Would that
bother you?
Shes holding Clayton, and were both sitting on the hospital
bed. Im on the foot of the bed facing her, watching her stare
at him.
She keeps asking me random questions. Playing devils
advocate again.
Make lemonade, I say, finishing his quote.
Cap looks at me and shakes his head. Thats not how it goes, he says. When life gives you lemons, make sure you know whose eyes you need to squeeze them in.
I laugh, grab another slice of pizza, and wonder how in the hell I ended up with an eighty-year-old man as my best friend.
Corbins home phone never rings. Especially after midnight. I throw the covers off and grab a T-shirt, then pull it over my head. I dont know why I bother getting dressed. Corbins gone, and Miles isnt due back until tomorrow.
I make it to the kitchen on the fifth ring, right as the answering machine picks up. I cancel the message, then put the phone to my ear.
Hello?
Tate! my mother says. Oh, my God, Tate.
Her voice is panicked, which immediately causes me to panic. What is it?
A plane. A plane crashed about half an hour ago, and I cant get through to the airline. Have you talked to your brother?
My knees meet the floor. Are you sure it was his airline? I ask her. My voice sounds so terrified I dont even recognize it. It sounds as terrified as hers did the last time this happened.
I was only six, but I remember every single detail as if it happened yesterday, down to the moon-and-star pajamas I was wearing. My father was on a domestic flight, and we had turned on the news right after dinner and saw that one of the planes had gone down due to engine failure. Everyone on board was killed. I remember watching my mother on the phone with the airline, hysterical, trying to find out information on who the pilot was. We found out it wasnt him within the hour, but that hour was one of the scariest of our lives.
Until now.
I rush to my room and grab my cell phone off my nightstand and immediately dial his number. Have you tried calling him? I ask my mother as I make my way back to the living room. I try to make it to the couch, but for some reason, the floor seems more comforting. I kneel down again, almost as if Im in prayer mode.
I guess I am.
Yes, Ive been calling his phone nonstop. Its just going to voice mail.
Its a stupid question. Of course, shes tried calling him. I try again anyway, but his phone goes directly to voice mail.
I try to reassure her, but I know its pointless. Until we hear his voice, reassurance wont help. Ill call the airline, I tell her. Ill call you back if I hear anything.
She doesnt even say goodbye.
I use the home phone to call the airline and my cell phone to call Miles. Its the first time Ive ever dialed his number.
I pray that he answers, because as much as Im scared to death for Corbin, its also running through my head that Miles works for the same airline.
My stomach is sick.
Hello? Miles says on the second ring. His voice sounds hesitant, like hes unsure why Im calling.
Miles! I say, both frantic and relieved. Is he okay? Is Corbin okay?
Theres a pause.
Why is there a pause?
What do you mean?
A plane, I say immediately. My mom called. There was a plane crash. Hes not answering his phone.
Where are you? he says quickly.
The apartment.
Let me in.
I walk to the door and unlock it. He pushes the door open and still has the phone to his ear. When he sees me, he pulls the phone away, immediately rushes to the couch, grabs the remote, and turns on the television.
He flips through the channels until he finds the TV news report. He dials numbers on his cell phone, then turns and rushes toward me. He takes my hand in his. Come here, he says, pulling me to him. Im sure hes fine.
I nod against his chest, but his reassurance is pointless.
Gary? he says when someone answers on the other end. Its Miles. Yeah. Yeah, I heard, he says. Who was the crew?
Theres a long pause. Im terrified to look at him. Terrified.
Thank you. He hangs up the phone. Hes okay, Tate, he says immediately. Corbins fine. Ian, too.
I break down into tears of relief.
Miles walks me to the couch and sits down, then pulls me to him. He takes my cell phone out of my hands and presses several buttons before putting the phone to his ear.
Hey, its Miles. Corbin is fine. He pauses for a few seconds. Yeah, shes fine. Ill tell her to call you in the morning. A few more seconds pass, and he says goodbye. He sets the phone on the couch beside him. Your mom.
I nod. I already knew.
And that simple gesture, him calling my mother, just made me fall for him even harder.
Now hes kissing the top of my head, rubbing his hand up and down my arm reassuringly.
Thank you, Miles, I tell him.
He doesnt say youre welcome, because he doesnt think he did anything that deserves thanking.
Did you know them? I ask. The crew on board?
No. They were out of a different hub. The names didnt sound familiar.
My phone vibrates, so Miles hands it back to me. I look at it, and its a text from Corbin.
Corbin: In case youve heard about the plane, just want you to know Im fine. I called headquarters, and Miles is, too. Please let Mom know if she hears about it. Love you.
Receiving his text fills me with even more relief, now that I know with one hundred percent certainty that hes okay.
Its a text from Corbin, I tell Miles. He says youre okay. In case you were worried.
Miles laughs. So he checked up on me? he says with a grin. I knew he couldnt hate me forever.
I smile. I love that Corbin wanted me to know that Miles was okay.
Miles continues to hold me, and I savor every second of it.
When is he scheduled to come home?
Not for two more days, I say. How long have you been home?
About two minutes, he says. I had just plugged my phone in to charge when you called.
Im glad youre back.
He doesnt respond. He doesnt tell me hes glad to be back. Instead of saying something that might give me false hope, he just kisses me.
You know, he says, pulling me onto his lap, I hate the circumstances surrounding the reason you probably didnt have time to put on pants, but I love that you dont have on pants. His hands slide up my thighs, and he pulls me closer until were flush together. He kisses the tip of my nose, then kisses my chin.
Miles? I run my hands through his hair and down his neck, then pause with them on his shoulders. I was also scared it could have been you, I whisper. Thats why Im glad youre back.
His eyes grow soft, and the worry lines between them disappear. I may not know anything about his past or his life, but I definitely notice that he hasnt called anyone to let them know hes okay. That makes me sad for him.
His eyes fall away from mine and land on my chest. He fingers the bottom edges of my shirt, then slowly pulls it over my head. I have nothing but a pair of panties on now.
He leans forward, wraps his arms around my back, and pulls me against his mouth. His lips close softly over my nipple, and my eyes shut involuntarily. Chills erupt over my skin as his hands begin to explore every bare part of my back and my thighs. His mouth works its way to my other breast, just as his hands slip inside my panties at my hips.
I think I have to rip these off you, because I sure dont want you to move off my lap, he says.
I smile. Fine with me. I have more where these came from.
I can feel him grin against my skin as his hands pull at the elastic band of my underwear. He pulls on one side but fails to tear them. He tries ripping the other side to pull them off me, but nothing gives.
Youre giving me a wedgie, I say, laughing.
He lets out a frustrated sigh. Its always so much sexier when they do this on TV.
I readjust myself and sit up straighter. Try it again, I encourage. You can do it, Miles.
He grabs the left side of my panties and yanks them hard.
Ouch! I yell, scooting in the direction of his pull to lessen the pain of the elastic digging into my right side.
He laughs again and drops his face to my neck. Sorry, he says. Got any scissors?
I cringe at the thought of him coming at me with a pair of scissors. I scoot off of him and stand up, then pull my underwear down, kicking them off and away from me.
Watching you do that was totally worth my failed attempt at being sexy, he says.
I smile. Your failed attempt at being sexy actually made you sexy.
My comment makes him laugh again. I walk toward him and climb back onto his lap. He repositions me so that Im straddling him again. My failures are a turn-on for you? he asks teasingly.
Oh, yeah, I murmur. So hot.
His hands are on me again, roaming across my back and down my arms. You would have loved me from the ages of thirteen to sixteen, he says. I failed at pretty much everything. Especially football.
I grin. Now were talking. Tell me more.
Baseball, he says, right before he presses his mouth to my neck. He kisses his way up to my ear. And one semester of world geography.
Holy shit. I moan. Now, thats hot.
He moves his lips to my mouth and pulls me in for a soft kiss. He barely touches his mouth to mine. I failed at kissing, too. Terribly. I almost choked a girl with my tongue once.
I laugh.
Want me to show you?
As soon as I nod, hes repositioning us on the couch until Im lying on my back and hes on top of me. Open your mouth.
I open it. He drops his mouth to mine and shoves his tongue inside, giving me what is quite possibly the worst kiss Ive ever experienced. I push against his chest, attempting to get his tongue out of my mouth, but he doesnt budge. I turn my face to the left, and he begins licking my cheek, causing me to laugh even harder.
Oh, my God, that was terrible, Miles!
He pulls his mouth away and lowers himself on top of me. I got better.
I nod. Thats a fact, I say, agreeing wholeheartedly.
Were both smiling. The relaxed look on his face fills me with so many emotions I cant even begin to classify them. Im happy, because were having fun together. Im sad, because were having fun together. Im angry, because were having fun together and it makes me want so much more of this. So much more of him.
We quietly stare at each other, until he slowly dips his head, pressing a long kiss against my lips. He begins placing soft kisses all over my mouth until the kisses become longer and more intense. His tongue eventually parts my lips, and the playfulness disappears.
Its quite serious now, as our kisses grow more hurried and his clothes begin to join mine on the floor, piece by piece.
The couch or your bed? he whispers.
Both, I reply.
He obliges.
I fell asleep in my bed.
Next to Miles.
Neither of us has ever fallen asleep afterward before. One of us always leaves. As much as Im trying to convince myself that it means nothing, I know it does. Every time were together, I get a little bit more of him. Whether its a glimpse of his past or time spent without the sex or even time spent sleeping, hes giving me more and more of himself, little by little. I feel like this is both good and bad. Its good, because I want and need so much more of him, so every little bit I get is enough to satisfy me when I begin worrying about everything I dont get from him. But its also bad, because every time I get a little bit more of him, another part of him grows more distant. I can see it in his eyes. Hes worried hes giving me hope, and Im afraid hell eventually just pull away completely.
Everything with Miles will come crashing down.
Its inevitable. Hes so adamant about the things he doesnt want out of life, and Im starting to understand just how serious he is. So as much as I try to protect my heart from him, its pointless. Hes going to break it eventually, yet I continue to allow him to fill it. Every time Im with him, he fills my heart up more and more, and the more its filled with pieces of him, the more painful itll be when he rips it out of my chest as though it never belonged there in the first place.
I hear the vibration of his phone and feel him roll over and reach for it on the nightstand next to him. He thinks Im asleep, so I dont give him reason to think otherwise.
Hey, he whispers. Theres a long pause, and I start to panic internally, wondering who hes talking to. Yeah, Im sorry. I should have called you. I figured youd be asleep.
My heart is in my throat now, crawling its way up, trying to escape from Miles and me and this entire situation. My heart knows by my reaction to this phone call that its in trouble. My heart has just gone into fight-or-flight mode, and right now, its doing everything it can to run.
I dont blame my heart one bit.
Love you, too, Dad.
My heart slides back down my throat and finds its normal home in my chest again. Its happy for now. Im happy. Happy that he actually does have someone to call.
In the same moment, Im also reminded of how little I know about him. How little he shows me. How much he hides himself from me, so that when I finally break, it wont be his fault.
It wont be a quick break, either. Itll be slow and painful, filled with so many moments like these that tear me up from the inside out. Moments when he thinks Im asleep and he slides out of my bed. Moments when I keep my eyes closed but listen as he puts on his clothes. Moments when I make sure my breathing remains regular in case hes watching me when he leans over to kiss me on the forehead.
Moments when he leaves.
Because he always leaves.
Chapter twenty-eight
MILES
Six years earlier
What if he turns out to be gay? Rachel asks me. Would that
bother you?
Shes holding Clayton, and were both sitting on the hospital
bed. Im on the foot of the bed facing her, watching her stare
at him.
She keeps asking me random questions. Playing devils
advocate again.
