Thats the only reason Im still doing this, Miles.
I dont say that out loud, though. I dont say anything.
Because I cant, Tate. I just … His voice fades away, and he grows quiet. I analyze his words and the fact that he said I cant rather than I wont. I want to ask him why he cant. Is he scared? Is it because Im not right for him? Is he afraid hell break my heart? I dont ask him, because none of his answers to these questions would reassure me. None of these scenarios is reason enough to absolutely deny a heart happiness.
Which is why I dont question him, because I feel like maybe Im not prepared for the truth. Maybe Im underestimating whatever it was that happened in his past to make him this way. Because something happened. Something I more than likely couldnt relate to, even if I found out what it was. Something that stole the spirit right out of him, just like Cap said.
His arms pull me in tighter, and the hold he has on me speaks volumes. Its more than an embrace. More than a hug. Hes holding me like hes terrified Id drown if he were to release me.
Tate, he whispers. I know Ill regret saying this, but I want you to hear it. He pulls back just enough for his lips to meet my hair, then grips me tightly again. If I were capable of loving someone … it would be you. My heart cracks with his words, and I feel the hope seep in and leak right back out again. But Im not capable. So if its too hard
Its not, I interrupt, doing whatever I can to stop him from ending this. I somehow find it in me to look him in the eyes and tell the best lie Ive ever told in my whole life. I like things exactly how they are.
He knows Im lying. I can see the doubt in his concerned eyes, but he nods anyway. I try to get his mind off of it before he sees right through me. I wrap my arms loosely around his neck, but his attention is pulled to the door, which is now opening. I turn, too, and see Cap slowly shuffling his way onto the rooftop deck. He walks toward the switch on the wall that turns off the jets to the hot tub. He flips it off and slowly turns back toward the door but not before noticing us out of the corner of his eye. He turns and faces us full on, standing no more than five feet away.
That you, Tate? he says, squinting.
Its me, I say, still in the same position with Miles.
Hmm, Cap says, taking us both in. Anyone ever told the two of you that you make a pretty darn good-looking couple?
I wince, because I know this isnt the best moment for Miles to hear that, especially after the awkward conversation we just had. I also know what Cap is up to with that comment.
Well shut the lights off when we leave, Cap, Miles says, ignoring Caps question and redirecting the conversation.
Cap narrows his eyes at him, shakes his head as though hes disappointed, and begins to turn back to the door. It was a rhetorical question anyway, he mumbles. I see his hand go up to his forehead, and he salutes the air in front of him. Good night, Tate, he says loudly.
Good night, Cap.
Miles and I both watch until the door closes behind Cap. I pull my hands away from his neck and gently push against his chest until he steps back in order for me to make my way around him. I swim backward toward the other side of the pool.
Why are you always so rude to him? I ask.
Miles lowers himself in the water, parting his arms in front of him and kicking off the wall behind him. He swims toward me, and I watch as his eyes remain focused on mine. I swim backward until my back is against the opposite wall of the pool. He continues toward me, almost crashing into me, but he stops himself by gripping the ledge on both sides of my head, sending waves of water against my chest.
Im not rude to him. His lips meet my neck, and he kisses it softly, trailing slowly upward until his mouth is close to my ear. I just dont like answering questions.
I think weve established that already.
I pull my neck away a few inches in order to see his face. I try to focus on his eyes, but there are drops of water on his lips, and its hard not to stare. Hes an old man, though. Youre not supposed to be rude to old people. And hes pretty damn funny, if youd just get to know him.
Miles laughs a little. You like him, huh? He seems amused.
I nod. Yeah. I like him a lot. Sometimes I like him more than I like you.
He laughs loudly this time and leans in again, planting a kiss on my cheek. His hand conforms to the nape of my neck, and his eyes drop to my mouth. I like that you like him, he says, bringing his eyes up to mine. I wont be rude to him again. Promise.
I bite my lip so that he doesnt see how much I want to smile at the fact that he just made me a promise. It was a simple promise. But it still feels good.
He slides his hand around to my jaw, and his thumb meets my lip. He pulls it away from my teeth. What did I tell you about hiding that smile? He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and bites it gently, then releases it.
It feels as if the temperature in the pool just shot up twenty degrees.
His mouth meets my throat, and he breathes out a heavy sigh against my skin. I tilt my head back and let it rest against the ledge of the pool as he kisses his way down my neck.
I dont want to swim any more, he says, sliding his lips from the base of my throat all the way up to my mouth again.
Well, then, what do you want to do? I whisper weakly.
You, he says without hesitation. In my shower. From behind.
I swallow a huge gulp of air and feel it fall all the way to the pit of my stomach. Wow. Thats very specific.
And also in my bed, he whispers. With you on top, still soaking wet from the shower.
I inhale sharply, and we can both hear the tremble of my breath as I exhale. Okay, I try to say, but his mouth is on mine before the word is even all the way out.
And once again, what should have been an eye-opening conversation for me is shoved aside to make room for the only thing hes willing to give me.
Chapter thirty
MILES
Six years earlier
We quietly walk to an empty waiting area. My father sits first,
and I reluctantly sit across from him.
I wait for his confession, but he doesnt know I dont need it. I
know about his relationship with Lisa.
I know how long its been going on.
Your mother and I … Hes looking at the floor.
He cant even make eye contact with me.
We decided to separate when you were sixteen. However,
with as much as I traveled, it made financial sense for us to wait
until you graduated before filing for divorce, so thats what we
decided to do.
Sixteen?
She got sick when I was sixteen.
We had been split up for almost a year when I met Lisa.
Hes looking at me now. Hes being honest.
When she found out she was sick, it was the right thing to do,
Miles. She was your mother, and I wasnt going to leave her
when she needed me the most.
My chest hurts.
I know youve put two and two together, he says. I know
youve done the math. I know youve been hating me, thinking
I was having an affair while she was sick, and I hated allowing
you to think that.
Then why did you? I ask him. Why did you let me think
that?
He looks at the floor again. I dont know, he says. I thought
maybe there was a chance that you didnt realize Id been
dating Lisa for longer than I let on, so I thought bringing it
up would do more harm than good. I didnt like the thought
of you knowing my marriage with your mother had failed. I
didnt want you to think she died unhappy.
She didnt, I reassure him. You were there for her, Dad. We
both were.
He appreciates that I say this, because he knows its true.
My mother was happy with her life.
Happy with me.
It makes me wonder if shed be disappointed now, seeing how
things have turned out.
She would be proud of you, Miles, he says to me. With how
youve handled yourself.
I hug him.
I needed to hear that more than I knew.
Chapter thirty-one
TATE
Im trying to listen to Corbin go on about his conversation with Mom, but all I can think about is the fact that Miles is due home any minute now. Its been ten days since hes been home, and thats the longest weve gone without seeing each other since the weeks we spent not speaking.
Have you told Miles yet? Corbin asks.
Told him what?
Corbin faces me. That youre moving out. He points at the potholder on the counter next to me.
I toss him the potholder and shake my head. I havent talked to him since last week. Ill probably tell him tonight.
Honestly, Ive wanted to tell him I found my own apartment all week, but that would involve either calling or texting him, two things we dont do. The only times we text each other are when were both home. I think we do this because it helps us maintain our boundaries.
Its not like the move is a big deal anyway. Im only moving a few blocks away. I found an apartment thats closer to both work and school. Its definitely no downtown high-rise, but I love it.
I do wonder, though, how it will affect things between Miles and me. I think thats one of the reasons I havent mentioned that I was even looking for my own place. Theres a fear in the back of my mind that not being right across the hall from him will become too inconvenient, and hell just call off whatever is going on between us.
Corbin and I both look up as soon as the apartment door opens and theres a quick knock on it. I glance at Corbin, and he rolls his eyes.
Hes still adapting.
Miles walks into the kitchen, and I see the smile that wants to spread across his face when he sees me, but he keeps it in check when he sees Corbin.
What are you cooking? Miles asks him. He leans against the wall and folds his arms across his chest, but his eyes are scrolling up my legs. They pause when he sees Im wearing a skirt, and then he smiles in my direction. Luckily, Corbin is still facing the stove.
Dinner, Corbin says with a clipped voice.
He takes a while to adapt.
Miles looks at me again and stares for a few silent seconds. Hey, Tate, he says.
I grin. Hey.
How were midterms? His eyes are everywhere on me but my face.
Good, I say.
He mouths, You look pretty.
I smile and wish more than anything that Corbin wasnt standing here right now, because its taking all I have not to throw my arms around Miles and kiss the hell out of him.
Corbin knows why Miles is here. Miles and I just try to respect the fact that Corbin still doesnt like whats going on between us, so we keep it behind closed doors.
Miles is chewing on the inside of his cheek, fidgeting with his shirtsleeve, watching me. Its quiet in the kitchen, and Corbin still hasnt turned around to acknowledge him. Miles looks like hes about to burst at the seams.
Fuck it, he says, gliding across the kitchen toward me. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me, hard, in front of Corbin.
Hes kissing me.
In front of Corbin.
Dont analyze this, Tate.
Hes pulling my hands, dragging me out of the kitchen. As far as I know, Corbin is still facing the stove, trying his best to ignore us.
Still adapting.
We get to the living room, and Miles separates his mouth from mine. I havent been able to think about anything else today, he says. At all.
Me, neither.
He pulls me by the hand toward the front door. I follow. He opens it, walks to his apartment, and pulls his keys out of his pocket. His luggage is still outside in the hallway.
Why is your luggage out here?
Miles pushes open his apartment door. I havent been home yet, he says. He turns around and grabs his things from the hallway, then holds the door open for me.
You came to my apartment first?
He nods, then tosses his duffel bag onto the couch and pushes his suitcase against the wall. Yep, he says. He grabs my hand and pulls me to him. I told you, Tate. Havent thought about anything else. He smiles and lowers his head to kiss me.
I laugh. Aw, you missed me, I say teasingly.
He pulls back. You would think Id just told him I loved him with the way his body tenses up.
Relax, I say. Youre allowed to miss me, Miles. It doesnt break your rules.
He backs up a few steps. You thirsty? he asks, changing the subject like he always does. He turns and heads toward the kitchen, but everything about him just changed. His demeanor, his smile, his excitement over finally seeing me after ten days.
I stand in the living room and watch it all crumble.
Im hit by a reality check, but it feels more like a meteor.
This man cant even admit that he misses me.
Ive been holding out hope that if I take it slowly enough with him, hell eventually break through whatever it is thats holding him back. The entire past few months, Ive been under the assumption that maybe he just cant handle the way things have developed between us and he needs time, but its clear now. Its not him.
Its me.
Im the one who cant handle this thing between us.
You okay? Miles says from the kitchen. He walks out from behind the obstructed view of the cabinets so he can see me. He waits for me to answer him, but I cant.
Did you miss me, Miles?
And up comes the armor again, shielding him. He looks away and walks back into the kitchen. We dont say things like that, Tate, he says. The hardness is back in his voice.
Is he serious?
We dont? I take a few steps toward the kitchen. Miles. Its a common phrase. It doesnt mean commitment. It doesnt even mean love. Friends say it to friends.
He leans against the bar in the kitchen and calmly looks up at me. But we were never friends. And I dont want to break your one and only rule by giving you false hope, so Im not saying it.
I dont say that out loud, though. I dont say anything.
Because I cant, Tate. I just … His voice fades away, and he grows quiet. I analyze his words and the fact that he said I cant rather than I wont. I want to ask him why he cant. Is he scared? Is it because Im not right for him? Is he afraid hell break my heart? I dont ask him, because none of his answers to these questions would reassure me. None of these scenarios is reason enough to absolutely deny a heart happiness.
Which is why I dont question him, because I feel like maybe Im not prepared for the truth. Maybe Im underestimating whatever it was that happened in his past to make him this way. Because something happened. Something I more than likely couldnt relate to, even if I found out what it was. Something that stole the spirit right out of him, just like Cap said.
His arms pull me in tighter, and the hold he has on me speaks volumes. Its more than an embrace. More than a hug. Hes holding me like hes terrified Id drown if he were to release me.
Tate, he whispers. I know Ill regret saying this, but I want you to hear it. He pulls back just enough for his lips to meet my hair, then grips me tightly again. If I were capable of loving someone … it would be you. My heart cracks with his words, and I feel the hope seep in and leak right back out again. But Im not capable. So if its too hard
Its not, I interrupt, doing whatever I can to stop him from ending this. I somehow find it in me to look him in the eyes and tell the best lie Ive ever told in my whole life. I like things exactly how they are.
He knows Im lying. I can see the doubt in his concerned eyes, but he nods anyway. I try to get his mind off of it before he sees right through me. I wrap my arms loosely around his neck, but his attention is pulled to the door, which is now opening. I turn, too, and see Cap slowly shuffling his way onto the rooftop deck. He walks toward the switch on the wall that turns off the jets to the hot tub. He flips it off and slowly turns back toward the door but not before noticing us out of the corner of his eye. He turns and faces us full on, standing no more than five feet away.
That you, Tate? he says, squinting.
Its me, I say, still in the same position with Miles.
Hmm, Cap says, taking us both in. Anyone ever told the two of you that you make a pretty darn good-looking couple?
I wince, because I know this isnt the best moment for Miles to hear that, especially after the awkward conversation we just had. I also know what Cap is up to with that comment.
Well shut the lights off when we leave, Cap, Miles says, ignoring Caps question and redirecting the conversation.
Cap narrows his eyes at him, shakes his head as though hes disappointed, and begins to turn back to the door. It was a rhetorical question anyway, he mumbles. I see his hand go up to his forehead, and he salutes the air in front of him. Good night, Tate, he says loudly.
Good night, Cap.
Miles and I both watch until the door closes behind Cap. I pull my hands away from his neck and gently push against his chest until he steps back in order for me to make my way around him. I swim backward toward the other side of the pool.
Why are you always so rude to him? I ask.
Miles lowers himself in the water, parting his arms in front of him and kicking off the wall behind him. He swims toward me, and I watch as his eyes remain focused on mine. I swim backward until my back is against the opposite wall of the pool. He continues toward me, almost crashing into me, but he stops himself by gripping the ledge on both sides of my head, sending waves of water against my chest.
Im not rude to him. His lips meet my neck, and he kisses it softly, trailing slowly upward until his mouth is close to my ear. I just dont like answering questions.
I think weve established that already.
I pull my neck away a few inches in order to see his face. I try to focus on his eyes, but there are drops of water on his lips, and its hard not to stare. Hes an old man, though. Youre not supposed to be rude to old people. And hes pretty damn funny, if youd just get to know him.
Miles laughs a little. You like him, huh? He seems amused.
I nod. Yeah. I like him a lot. Sometimes I like him more than I like you.
He laughs loudly this time and leans in again, planting a kiss on my cheek. His hand conforms to the nape of my neck, and his eyes drop to my mouth. I like that you like him, he says, bringing his eyes up to mine. I wont be rude to him again. Promise.
I bite my lip so that he doesnt see how much I want to smile at the fact that he just made me a promise. It was a simple promise. But it still feels good.
He slides his hand around to my jaw, and his thumb meets my lip. He pulls it away from my teeth. What did I tell you about hiding that smile? He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and bites it gently, then releases it.
It feels as if the temperature in the pool just shot up twenty degrees.
His mouth meets my throat, and he breathes out a heavy sigh against my skin. I tilt my head back and let it rest against the ledge of the pool as he kisses his way down my neck.
I dont want to swim any more, he says, sliding his lips from the base of my throat all the way up to my mouth again.
Well, then, what do you want to do? I whisper weakly.
You, he says without hesitation. In my shower. From behind.
I swallow a huge gulp of air and feel it fall all the way to the pit of my stomach. Wow. Thats very specific.
And also in my bed, he whispers. With you on top, still soaking wet from the shower.
I inhale sharply, and we can both hear the tremble of my breath as I exhale. Okay, I try to say, but his mouth is on mine before the word is even all the way out.
And once again, what should have been an eye-opening conversation for me is shoved aside to make room for the only thing hes willing to give me.
Chapter thirty
MILES
Six years earlier
We quietly walk to an empty waiting area. My father sits first,
and I reluctantly sit across from him.
I wait for his confession, but he doesnt know I dont need it. I
know about his relationship with Lisa.
I know how long its been going on.
Your mother and I … Hes looking at the floor.
He cant even make eye contact with me.
We decided to separate when you were sixteen. However,
with as much as I traveled, it made financial sense for us to wait
until you graduated before filing for divorce, so thats what we
decided to do.
Sixteen?
She got sick when I was sixteen.
We had been split up for almost a year when I met Lisa.
Hes looking at me now. Hes being honest.
When she found out she was sick, it was the right thing to do,
Miles. She was your mother, and I wasnt going to leave her
when she needed me the most.
My chest hurts.
I know youve put two and two together, he says. I know
youve done the math. I know youve been hating me, thinking
I was having an affair while she was sick, and I hated allowing
you to think that.
Then why did you? I ask him. Why did you let me think
that?
He looks at the floor again. I dont know, he says. I thought
maybe there was a chance that you didnt realize Id been
dating Lisa for longer than I let on, so I thought bringing it
up would do more harm than good. I didnt like the thought
of you knowing my marriage with your mother had failed. I
didnt want you to think she died unhappy.
She didnt, I reassure him. You were there for her, Dad. We
both were.
He appreciates that I say this, because he knows its true.
My mother was happy with her life.
Happy with me.
It makes me wonder if shed be disappointed now, seeing how
things have turned out.
She would be proud of you, Miles, he says to me. With how
youve handled yourself.
I hug him.
I needed to hear that more than I knew.
Chapter thirty-one
TATE
Im trying to listen to Corbin go on about his conversation with Mom, but all I can think about is the fact that Miles is due home any minute now. Its been ten days since hes been home, and thats the longest weve gone without seeing each other since the weeks we spent not speaking.
Have you told Miles yet? Corbin asks.
Told him what?
Corbin faces me. That youre moving out. He points at the potholder on the counter next to me.
I toss him the potholder and shake my head. I havent talked to him since last week. Ill probably tell him tonight.
Honestly, Ive wanted to tell him I found my own apartment all week, but that would involve either calling or texting him, two things we dont do. The only times we text each other are when were both home. I think we do this because it helps us maintain our boundaries.
Its not like the move is a big deal anyway. Im only moving a few blocks away. I found an apartment thats closer to both work and school. Its definitely no downtown high-rise, but I love it.
I do wonder, though, how it will affect things between Miles and me. I think thats one of the reasons I havent mentioned that I was even looking for my own place. Theres a fear in the back of my mind that not being right across the hall from him will become too inconvenient, and hell just call off whatever is going on between us.
Corbin and I both look up as soon as the apartment door opens and theres a quick knock on it. I glance at Corbin, and he rolls his eyes.
Hes still adapting.
Miles walks into the kitchen, and I see the smile that wants to spread across his face when he sees me, but he keeps it in check when he sees Corbin.
What are you cooking? Miles asks him. He leans against the wall and folds his arms across his chest, but his eyes are scrolling up my legs. They pause when he sees Im wearing a skirt, and then he smiles in my direction. Luckily, Corbin is still facing the stove.
Dinner, Corbin says with a clipped voice.
He takes a while to adapt.
Miles looks at me again and stares for a few silent seconds. Hey, Tate, he says.
I grin. Hey.
How were midterms? His eyes are everywhere on me but my face.
Good, I say.
He mouths, You look pretty.
I smile and wish more than anything that Corbin wasnt standing here right now, because its taking all I have not to throw my arms around Miles and kiss the hell out of him.
Corbin knows why Miles is here. Miles and I just try to respect the fact that Corbin still doesnt like whats going on between us, so we keep it behind closed doors.
Miles is chewing on the inside of his cheek, fidgeting with his shirtsleeve, watching me. Its quiet in the kitchen, and Corbin still hasnt turned around to acknowledge him. Miles looks like hes about to burst at the seams.
Fuck it, he says, gliding across the kitchen toward me. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me, hard, in front of Corbin.
Hes kissing me.
In front of Corbin.
Dont analyze this, Tate.
Hes pulling my hands, dragging me out of the kitchen. As far as I know, Corbin is still facing the stove, trying his best to ignore us.
Still adapting.
We get to the living room, and Miles separates his mouth from mine. I havent been able to think about anything else today, he says. At all.
Me, neither.
He pulls me by the hand toward the front door. I follow. He opens it, walks to his apartment, and pulls his keys out of his pocket. His luggage is still outside in the hallway.
Why is your luggage out here?
Miles pushes open his apartment door. I havent been home yet, he says. He turns around and grabs his things from the hallway, then holds the door open for me.
You came to my apartment first?
He nods, then tosses his duffel bag onto the couch and pushes his suitcase against the wall. Yep, he says. He grabs my hand and pulls me to him. I told you, Tate. Havent thought about anything else. He smiles and lowers his head to kiss me.
I laugh. Aw, you missed me, I say teasingly.
He pulls back. You would think Id just told him I loved him with the way his body tenses up.
Relax, I say. Youre allowed to miss me, Miles. It doesnt break your rules.
He backs up a few steps. You thirsty? he asks, changing the subject like he always does. He turns and heads toward the kitchen, but everything about him just changed. His demeanor, his smile, his excitement over finally seeing me after ten days.
I stand in the living room and watch it all crumble.
Im hit by a reality check, but it feels more like a meteor.
This man cant even admit that he misses me.
Ive been holding out hope that if I take it slowly enough with him, hell eventually break through whatever it is thats holding him back. The entire past few months, Ive been under the assumption that maybe he just cant handle the way things have developed between us and he needs time, but its clear now. Its not him.
Its me.
Im the one who cant handle this thing between us.
You okay? Miles says from the kitchen. He walks out from behind the obstructed view of the cabinets so he can see me. He waits for me to answer him, but I cant.
Did you miss me, Miles?
And up comes the armor again, shielding him. He looks away and walks back into the kitchen. We dont say things like that, Tate, he says. The hardness is back in his voice.
Is he serious?
We dont? I take a few steps toward the kitchen. Miles. Its a common phrase. It doesnt mean commitment. It doesnt even mean love. Friends say it to friends.
He leans against the bar in the kitchen and calmly looks up at me. But we were never friends. And I dont want to break your one and only rule by giving you false hope, so Im not saying it.
