I cant explain what happens to me, because I dont know. But its as if every single thing hes ever said and done thats hurt me impales me all at once. I want to scream at him. I want to hate him. I want to know what the hell happened that made him capable of saying things that can hurt me more than any other words have ever come close to doing.
Im tired of treading water.
Im tired of pretending its not killing me to want to know everything about him.
Im tired of pretending hes not everywhere. Everything. My only thing.
What did she do to you? I whisper.
Dont, he says. The word is a warning. A threat.
Im so tired of seeing the pain in his eyes and not knowing the reason for it. Im tired of not knowing what words are off-limits with him.
Tell me.
He looks away from me. Go home, Tate. He turns around and grips the edge of the counter, dropping his head between his shoulders.
Fuck you. I turn and exit the kitchen. When I reach the living room, I hear him coming after me, so I speed up. I make it to the front door and open it, but his palm meets the door above my head, and he slams it shut.
I squeeze my eyes tightly, bracing for whatever words are about to completely slay me, because I know they will.
His face is right next to my ear, and his chest is pressed against my back. Thats what weve been doing, Tate. Fucking. Ive made that clear from day one.
I laugh, because I dont know what else to do. I turn around and look up at him. He doesnt back away, and hes so much more intimidating in this moment than Ive ever seen him be before.
You think youve made that clear? I ask him. You are so full of shit, Miles.
He still doesnt move, but his jaw tenses. How have I not been clear? Two rules. Cant get any simpler than that.
I laugh incredulously, then get everything off my chest at once. Theres a huge difference between f**king someone and making love to them. You havent f**ked me in more than a month. Every time youre inside me, youre making love to me. I can see it in the way you look at me. You miss me when we arent together. You think about me all the time. You cant even wait ten seconds to walk in your own front door before coming to see me. So dont you dare try to tell me youve been clear from day one, because you are the murkiest goddamn man Ive ever met.
I breathe.
I breathe for the first time in what feels like a month.
He can do what he wants with all that. Im done trying.
He blows out a steady, controlled breath while he backs several steps away from me. He winces and turns around as if he doesnt want me to read the emotions that are obviously present somewhere deep within him. His hands grip the back of his neck tightly, and he remains in this position for a solid minute without moving. He begins to blow out steady breath after steady breath, as if hes doing everything in his power to pull himself together and not cry. My heart begins to ache when I realize whats happening.
Hes breaking.
Oh, God, he whispers. His voice is completely pain-ridden. What am I doing to you, Tate?
He walks to the wall and falls against it, then slides to the floor. His knees come up, and he rests his elbows on them, covering his face with his hands to stop his emotions. His shoulders begin to shake, but hes not making a sound.
Hes crying.
Miles Archer is crying.
Its the same heart-wrenching cry that came from him the night I met him.
This grown man, this wall of intimidation, this solid veil of armor, hes completely crumbling right in front of my eyes.
Miles? I whisper. My voice is weak compared with his massive silence. I walk to him and lower myself to my knees in front of him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and lower my head to his.
I dont ask him whats wrong again, because now Im terrified to know.
Chapter thirty-two
MILES
Six years earlier
Lisa loves Clayton.
My dad loves Clayton.
Clayton fixes families.
Hes already my hero, and hes only two days old.
Shortly after my dad and Lisa leave, Ian arrives. He says he
doesnt want to hold Clayton, but Rachel makes him. Hes
uncomfortable, because hes never held a baby before, but he
holds him.
Thank God he looks like Rachel, Ian says.
I agree with him.
Ian asks Rachel if I ever told her what I said to him after I met
her.
I dont know what hes talking about.
Ian laughs.
After he walked you to class that first day, he took a picture of
you from his seat, Ian tells her. He texted it to me and said,
Shes gonna have all my babies.
Rachel looks at me.
I shrug.
Im embarrassed.
Rachel loves that I said that to Ian. I love that Ian told her that.
The doctor comes in and tells us we can go home now. Ian
helps me take everything to the car and pull it up to the exit.
Before I go back to Rachels room, Ian touches my shoulder. I
turn around and face him.
I get the feeling he wants to tell me congratulations, but
instead, he just hugs me.
Its awkward, but its not. I like that hes proud of me.
It makes me feel good. Like Im doing this right.
Ian leaves.
So do we.
Me and Rachel and Clayton.
My family.
I want Rachel in the front seat with me, but I love that shes
riding in the back with him. I love how much she loves him. I
love that Im attracted to her even more now that shes a mom.
I want to kiss her. I want to tell her I love her again, but I think
I tell her way too much. I dont ever want her to get tired of
hearing it.
Thank you for this baby, she says from the backseat. Hes
beautiful.
I laugh. Youre responsible for the beautiful part, Rachel. The
only thing he got from me was his balls.
She laughs. She laughs hard. Oh, my God, I know, she says.
Theyre so big.
We both laugh at our sons big balls.
She sighs.
Rest, I tell her. You havent slept in two days.
I see her smile in the rearview mirror. But I cant stop staring
at him, she whispers.
I cant stop staring at you, Rachel.
But I do stop, because the oncoming traffic is brighter than it
should be.
My hands grip the steering wheel.
Too bright.
Ive always heard your life flashes before your eyes in the
moments before you die.
In a sense, thats true.
However, it doesnt come at you in sequence or even in
random order.
Its just one picture that
STICKS
in your head and becomes everything you feel and everything
you see.
Its not your actual life that flashes before your eyes.
What flashes before your eyes are the people who are your life.
Rachel and Clayton.
All I see is the two of themmy whole lifeflash before my
eyes.
The sound becomes everything.
Everything.
Inside me, outside me, through me, under me, over me.
RACHEL, RACHEL, RACHEL.
I cant find her.
CLAYTON, CLAYTON, CLAYTON.
Im wet. Its cold. My head hurts. My arms hurt.
I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see him.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SILENCE.
Miles!
I open my eyes.
Its wet, its wet, theres water, its wet.
Water is in the car.
I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Her hands are on his
car seat. Miles, help me! Its stuck!
I try.
I try again.
But she needs to get out, too.
She needs to get out, too.
I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once.
Make sure theres a way out before theres too much pressure on the
windows.
Rachel, get out! Ive got him!
She tells me no. She wont stop trying to get him out.
Ill get him, Rachel.
She cant get out. Her seat belt is stuck. Its too tight.
I let go of the car seat and reach for her seat belt. My hands are
underwater when I find it.
She slaps at my arms and attempts to push me away from her.
Get him first! she screams. Get him out first!
I cant.
Theyre both stuck.
Youre stuck, Rachel.
Oh, God.
Im scared.
Rachel is scared.
The water is everywhere. I cant see him anymore.
I cant see her.
I cant hear him.
I reach for her seat belt again.
I get it off her.
I grab her hands. Her window isnt broken.
Mine is.
I pull her forward. Shes fighting me.
Shes fighting me.
She stops fighting me.
Fight me, Rachel.
Fight me.
Move.
Someone is reaching in through my window.
Give me her hand! I hear him yell.
The water is coming in through my window now.
The entire backseat is water.
Everything is water.
I give him Rachels hand. He helps me get her out.
Everything is water.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to save him.
I want to be his hero.
I cant breathe.
So I just stop.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SCREAM.
I cover my ears with my hands.
I cover my heart with armor.
I cough until I can breathe again.
I open my eyes. Were in a boat.
I look around. Were on a lake.
I bring my hand up to my jaw.
My hand is red.
Covered in blood as red as Rachels hair.
Rachel.
I find Rachel.
Clayton.
I dont find Clayton.
I push up on my hands and move to the edge of the boat.
I need to find him.
Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back.
Someone wont let me.
Someone is telling me its too late.
Someone tells me hes sorry.
Someone tells me we cant get to him.
Someone tells me we went over the bridge after the impact.
Someone tells me hes so sorry.
I move to Rachel, instead.
I try to hold her, but she wont let me. Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
She hits me.
She kicks me.
She says I should have saved him instead.
But I tried to save you both, Rachel.
You should have saved him, Miles! she cries.
You should have saved him.
You should have saved him.
I should have saved HIM.
Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
I hold her anyway.
I let her hit me.
I let her hate me.
Rachel hates me.
I hold her anyway.
Rachel cries, but shes quiet. Shes crying so hard her throat cant even make a sound. Her body is crying, but her voice is not.
Ruined.
Ruined.
RUINED.
I cry with her. I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and we cry and we cry and we cry.
Ruined.
The water is everything now.
I look at Rachel. I only see water.
I close my eyes. I only see water.
I look up at the sky. I only see water.
It hurts so much. I never knew a heart could hold the weight of the entire world.
I dont make Rachels life better anymore.
I ruined you, Rachel.
My family.
Me and you and Clayton.
RUINED.
You cant love me after this, Rachel.
Chapter thirty-three
TATE
My hands are on him, rubbing his back, touching his hair. Hes crying, and the only thing I can do is tell him never mind. I want to tell him to forget everything I said tonight. I want to do whatever I can to take this pain away from him, because whatever happened shouldnt matter. Whatever happened, no one deserves to feel the way hes feeling right now.
I move his arms from his face, then slide onto his lap. I hold his face in my hands and tilt it to mine. He keeps his eyes closed. I dont have to know, Miles.
His arms wrap around my back, and he buries his face against my chest. His labored breaths come faster as he tries to push back his emotions. My arms are wrapped around his head, and I kiss his hair, then trail kisses down the side of his head until he pulls back and looks up at me.
No amount of armor in the world and no wall no matter how thick could hide the devastation in his eyes right now. Its so prominent, and theres so much of it, I have to hold my breath so I dont cry with him.
What happened to you, Miles?
I dont have to know, I whisper again, shaking my head.
His hands move to the back of my head, and he presses his mouth to mine, hard and painfully. He moves forward until my back is against the floor. His hands pull at my shirt, and hes kissing me desperately, furiously, filling my mouth with the taste of his tears.
I let him use me to get rid of his pain.
Ill do whatever he wants me to do as long as he stops hurting like hes hurting.
He slips his hand beneath my skirt and begins to pull down my underwear at the same time as I hook my thumbs onto the h*ps of his jeans and push them down. My panties make it to my ankles, and I kick them off, just as he takes both my hands and pushes them above my head, pressing them to the floor.
He drops his forehead to mine but doesnt kiss me. He closes his eyes, but I keep mine open. He wastes no time pushing himself between my legs, spreading them wider. He moves his forehead to the side of my head, then slides into me slowly. When hes all the way inside me, he exhales, releasing some of his pain. Taking his mind away from whatever horror he just went through.
Im tired of treading water.
Im tired of pretending its not killing me to want to know everything about him.
Im tired of pretending hes not everywhere. Everything. My only thing.
What did she do to you? I whisper.
Dont, he says. The word is a warning. A threat.
Im so tired of seeing the pain in his eyes and not knowing the reason for it. Im tired of not knowing what words are off-limits with him.
Tell me.
He looks away from me. Go home, Tate. He turns around and grips the edge of the counter, dropping his head between his shoulders.
Fuck you. I turn and exit the kitchen. When I reach the living room, I hear him coming after me, so I speed up. I make it to the front door and open it, but his palm meets the door above my head, and he slams it shut.
I squeeze my eyes tightly, bracing for whatever words are about to completely slay me, because I know they will.
His face is right next to my ear, and his chest is pressed against my back. Thats what weve been doing, Tate. Fucking. Ive made that clear from day one.
I laugh, because I dont know what else to do. I turn around and look up at him. He doesnt back away, and hes so much more intimidating in this moment than Ive ever seen him be before.
You think youve made that clear? I ask him. You are so full of shit, Miles.
He still doesnt move, but his jaw tenses. How have I not been clear? Two rules. Cant get any simpler than that.
I laugh incredulously, then get everything off my chest at once. Theres a huge difference between f**king someone and making love to them. You havent f**ked me in more than a month. Every time youre inside me, youre making love to me. I can see it in the way you look at me. You miss me when we arent together. You think about me all the time. You cant even wait ten seconds to walk in your own front door before coming to see me. So dont you dare try to tell me youve been clear from day one, because you are the murkiest goddamn man Ive ever met.
I breathe.
I breathe for the first time in what feels like a month.
He can do what he wants with all that. Im done trying.
He blows out a steady, controlled breath while he backs several steps away from me. He winces and turns around as if he doesnt want me to read the emotions that are obviously present somewhere deep within him. His hands grip the back of his neck tightly, and he remains in this position for a solid minute without moving. He begins to blow out steady breath after steady breath, as if hes doing everything in his power to pull himself together and not cry. My heart begins to ache when I realize whats happening.
Hes breaking.
Oh, God, he whispers. His voice is completely pain-ridden. What am I doing to you, Tate?
He walks to the wall and falls against it, then slides to the floor. His knees come up, and he rests his elbows on them, covering his face with his hands to stop his emotions. His shoulders begin to shake, but hes not making a sound.
Hes crying.
Miles Archer is crying.
Its the same heart-wrenching cry that came from him the night I met him.
This grown man, this wall of intimidation, this solid veil of armor, hes completely crumbling right in front of my eyes.
Miles? I whisper. My voice is weak compared with his massive silence. I walk to him and lower myself to my knees in front of him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and lower my head to his.
I dont ask him whats wrong again, because now Im terrified to know.
Chapter thirty-two
MILES
Six years earlier
Lisa loves Clayton.
My dad loves Clayton.
Clayton fixes families.
Hes already my hero, and hes only two days old.
Shortly after my dad and Lisa leave, Ian arrives. He says he
doesnt want to hold Clayton, but Rachel makes him. Hes
uncomfortable, because hes never held a baby before, but he
holds him.
Thank God he looks like Rachel, Ian says.
I agree with him.
Ian asks Rachel if I ever told her what I said to him after I met
her.
I dont know what hes talking about.
Ian laughs.
After he walked you to class that first day, he took a picture of
you from his seat, Ian tells her. He texted it to me and said,
Shes gonna have all my babies.
Rachel looks at me.
I shrug.
Im embarrassed.
Rachel loves that I said that to Ian. I love that Ian told her that.
The doctor comes in and tells us we can go home now. Ian
helps me take everything to the car and pull it up to the exit.
Before I go back to Rachels room, Ian touches my shoulder. I
turn around and face him.
I get the feeling he wants to tell me congratulations, but
instead, he just hugs me.
Its awkward, but its not. I like that hes proud of me.
It makes me feel good. Like Im doing this right.
Ian leaves.
So do we.
Me and Rachel and Clayton.
My family.
I want Rachel in the front seat with me, but I love that shes
riding in the back with him. I love how much she loves him. I
love that Im attracted to her even more now that shes a mom.
I want to kiss her. I want to tell her I love her again, but I think
I tell her way too much. I dont ever want her to get tired of
hearing it.
Thank you for this baby, she says from the backseat. Hes
beautiful.
I laugh. Youre responsible for the beautiful part, Rachel. The
only thing he got from me was his balls.
She laughs. She laughs hard. Oh, my God, I know, she says.
Theyre so big.
We both laugh at our sons big balls.
She sighs.
Rest, I tell her. You havent slept in two days.
I see her smile in the rearview mirror. But I cant stop staring
at him, she whispers.
I cant stop staring at you, Rachel.
But I do stop, because the oncoming traffic is brighter than it
should be.
My hands grip the steering wheel.
Too bright.
Ive always heard your life flashes before your eyes in the
moments before you die.
In a sense, thats true.
However, it doesnt come at you in sequence or even in
random order.
Its just one picture that
STICKS
in your head and becomes everything you feel and everything
you see.
Its not your actual life that flashes before your eyes.
What flashes before your eyes are the people who are your life.
Rachel and Clayton.
All I see is the two of themmy whole lifeflash before my
eyes.
The sound becomes everything.
Everything.
Inside me, outside me, through me, under me, over me.
RACHEL, RACHEL, RACHEL.
I cant find her.
CLAYTON, CLAYTON, CLAYTON.
Im wet. Its cold. My head hurts. My arms hurt.
I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see him.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SILENCE.
Miles!
I open my eyes.
Its wet, its wet, theres water, its wet.
Water is in the car.
I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Her hands are on his
car seat. Miles, help me! Its stuck!
I try.
I try again.
But she needs to get out, too.
She needs to get out, too.
I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once.
Make sure theres a way out before theres too much pressure on the
windows.
Rachel, get out! Ive got him!
She tells me no. She wont stop trying to get him out.
Ill get him, Rachel.
She cant get out. Her seat belt is stuck. Its too tight.
I let go of the car seat and reach for her seat belt. My hands are
underwater when I find it.
She slaps at my arms and attempts to push me away from her.
Get him first! she screams. Get him out first!
I cant.
Theyre both stuck.
Youre stuck, Rachel.
Oh, God.
Im scared.
Rachel is scared.
The water is everywhere. I cant see him anymore.
I cant see her.
I cant hear him.
I reach for her seat belt again.
I get it off her.
I grab her hands. Her window isnt broken.
Mine is.
I pull her forward. Shes fighting me.
Shes fighting me.
She stops fighting me.
Fight me, Rachel.
Fight me.
Move.
Someone is reaching in through my window.
Give me her hand! I hear him yell.
The water is coming in through my window now.
The entire backseat is water.
Everything is water.
I give him Rachels hand. He helps me get her out.
Everything is water.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to save him.
I want to be his hero.
I cant breathe.
So I just stop.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SCREAM.
I cover my ears with my hands.
I cover my heart with armor.
I cough until I can breathe again.
I open my eyes. Were in a boat.
I look around. Were on a lake.
I bring my hand up to my jaw.
My hand is red.
Covered in blood as red as Rachels hair.
Rachel.
I find Rachel.
Clayton.
I dont find Clayton.
I push up on my hands and move to the edge of the boat.
I need to find him.
Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back.
Someone wont let me.
Someone is telling me its too late.
Someone tells me hes sorry.
Someone tells me we cant get to him.
Someone tells me we went over the bridge after the impact.
Someone tells me hes so sorry.
I move to Rachel, instead.
I try to hold her, but she wont let me. Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
She hits me.
She kicks me.
She says I should have saved him instead.
But I tried to save you both, Rachel.
You should have saved him, Miles! she cries.
You should have saved him.
You should have saved him.
I should have saved HIM.
Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
I hold her anyway.
I let her hit me.
I let her hate me.
Rachel hates me.
I hold her anyway.
Rachel cries, but shes quiet. Shes crying so hard her throat cant even make a sound. Her body is crying, but her voice is not.
Ruined.
Ruined.
RUINED.
I cry with her. I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and we cry and we cry and we cry.
Ruined.
The water is everything now.
I look at Rachel. I only see water.
I close my eyes. I only see water.
I look up at the sky. I only see water.
It hurts so much. I never knew a heart could hold the weight of the entire world.
I dont make Rachels life better anymore.
I ruined you, Rachel.
My family.
Me and you and Clayton.
RUINED.
You cant love me after this, Rachel.
Chapter thirty-three
TATE
My hands are on him, rubbing his back, touching his hair. Hes crying, and the only thing I can do is tell him never mind. I want to tell him to forget everything I said tonight. I want to do whatever I can to take this pain away from him, because whatever happened shouldnt matter. Whatever happened, no one deserves to feel the way hes feeling right now.
I move his arms from his face, then slide onto his lap. I hold his face in my hands and tilt it to mine. He keeps his eyes closed. I dont have to know, Miles.
His arms wrap around my back, and he buries his face against my chest. His labored breaths come faster as he tries to push back his emotions. My arms are wrapped around his head, and I kiss his hair, then trail kisses down the side of his head until he pulls back and looks up at me.
No amount of armor in the world and no wall no matter how thick could hide the devastation in his eyes right now. Its so prominent, and theres so much of it, I have to hold my breath so I dont cry with him.
What happened to you, Miles?
I dont have to know, I whisper again, shaking my head.
His hands move to the back of my head, and he presses his mouth to mine, hard and painfully. He moves forward until my back is against the floor. His hands pull at my shirt, and hes kissing me desperately, furiously, filling my mouth with the taste of his tears.
I let him use me to get rid of his pain.
Ill do whatever he wants me to do as long as he stops hurting like hes hurting.
He slips his hand beneath my skirt and begins to pull down my underwear at the same time as I hook my thumbs onto the h*ps of his jeans and push them down. My panties make it to my ankles, and I kick them off, just as he takes both my hands and pushes them above my head, pressing them to the floor.
He drops his forehead to mine but doesnt kiss me. He closes his eyes, but I keep mine open. He wastes no time pushing himself between my legs, spreading them wider. He moves his forehead to the side of my head, then slides into me slowly. When hes all the way inside me, he exhales, releasing some of his pain. Taking his mind away from whatever horror he just went through.
