He laughs. “Not my style, princess. To tell the truth, I’ve never been in love.”
He says it so easily, as if he’s talking about the weather or last night’s TV, but the admission takes me by surprise. I would have thought a guy like him could have fallen in and out of love a dozen times over. For a moment, I envy him.
“So you’ve never had your heart broken,” I say softly. “Lucky you.”
I feel his eyes on me again, quizzical.
“What’s his name?”
I don’t need to ask who he means. The guy who hurt me. The guy who made me so gun-shy.
I shake my head, determined. “We have a deal, remember? Blank slate. No past before a week ago.”
He gives a rueful smile. “So we do. Tell me this then, would you take it back, if you could?”
I pause, thinking hard. Would I wipe the slate clean, for real, if I had the choice? Take back all those nights with Connor, the good times as well as the bad? For so long now, I’ve been trying to forget it all. It was always too painful to remember, to have every sweet memory tainted by what came after.
But where would I be without all of it? Who would I be if I’d never been with him at all?
“No,” I whisper, my nails digging into the cheap paper cup. “I wouldn’t take it back. Just parts of it,” I add softly. “Just the end.”
Ryland nods slowly. I try to shake it off, to push my memories back down in the darkness where they belong, but they’re slipping around me now, a cloak of bitterness and regret.
The sun slips behind a cloud. I shiver.
“Are you finishing that?” he asks, nodding at my food.
“Go ahead,” I tell him, my appetite gone. He devours what’s left, and washes it all down with a gulp of soda.
“Ready to go?”
I nod, and follow him back to the truck. But instead of opening the door for me, Ryland pauses by the passenger side. He looks down at me, and gently touches his hand to my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his dark gaze searching mine. “We were having fun, and then I had to wreck it.”
I shrug. “It’s OK. I guess that’s the thing about the past. You can’t pretend for long.”
“I promise, one day it won’t hurt like this.”
I swallow back the sudden sting in my throat. What does he know about heartbreak? He already said, he’s never been in love. He can’t possibly know what it’s like to be hurt by someone the way I was hurt by Connor, to have my heart ripped into jagged aching pieces over and over again.
As if he can see my doubt, Ryland gives me a quiet look. “Just because I’ve never been in love, it doesn’t mean my heart was never broken. It doesn’t take a lover to hurt you like that. Sometimes, it’s worse when it’s not.”
I wonder who he’s talking about. I can see from the sudden shadow in his eyes that he’s telling me the truth.
“Sometimes, I don’t know how people do it,” I admit quietly. “Just keep baring their souls and loving, after all the pain. When I think about giving that much of myself to someone again…” I stop. It fills me with dread, with tired resignation. How does anyone find the strength to love again once they know just how much it hurts in the end? It seems crazy to me. Crazy, or naive.
I realize what I’ve said, how much I’ve just revealed, but Ryland doesn’t flinch. To my surprise, he brings his lips to my forehead in a gentle kiss.
The touch ripples through me.
“It isn’t supposed to be so hard,” he murmurs, and for a moment, I can’t help but waver against him. “Maybe the reason he hurt you so much, is that he was always the wrong one for you.”
His words slip beneath my defenses, and now I really do feel the tears well, stinging in the corner of my eyes. Part of what’s made it so hard has been the guilt: that empty aching thought that we were perfect, we were meant to be—if only I could have pulled him back from the edge.
If only I could have loved Connor enough to save him.
I know now that was just a dream. There’s no saving a man like him.
But I could have saved myself, a hundred times over, if only I’d been smarter, braver, stronger.
I could have saved myself so much pain.
“Hey,” Ryland murmurs, and then his arms are around me, holding me up. “It’s OK,” he says softly, stroking my hair. “It’s all over now.”
Over.
I sink against him, but its not sadness I feel now, it’s a sweet relief. That I’m standing right here with the noise of traffic streaming past, bright sun on my bare shoulders, the smell of fried dough and salt spinning in the air.
I feel alive. I feel blessed. Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t know. All I know for sure right now is that a dark, painful chapter in my life is over, and I have a chance now to do it right this time. To choose a man who will make me better, not worse; a man who makes me feel safe and loved, not scared he’ll flip a switch and become somebody else.
I get a second chance now. And Connor?
Connor used up all his chances a long time ago.
I take a shaking breath, and lift my head from Ryland’s chest. His arms are still around me, gently pulling me close. It already feels so easy to be holding him like this, it doesn’t make any sense. For months now I’ve been brittle, flinching from hugs and signs of affection like a nervous animal.
But Ryland holds me, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
He says it so easily, as if he’s talking about the weather or last night’s TV, but the admission takes me by surprise. I would have thought a guy like him could have fallen in and out of love a dozen times over. For a moment, I envy him.
“So you’ve never had your heart broken,” I say softly. “Lucky you.”
I feel his eyes on me again, quizzical.
“What’s his name?”
I don’t need to ask who he means. The guy who hurt me. The guy who made me so gun-shy.
I shake my head, determined. “We have a deal, remember? Blank slate. No past before a week ago.”
He gives a rueful smile. “So we do. Tell me this then, would you take it back, if you could?”
I pause, thinking hard. Would I wipe the slate clean, for real, if I had the choice? Take back all those nights with Connor, the good times as well as the bad? For so long now, I’ve been trying to forget it all. It was always too painful to remember, to have every sweet memory tainted by what came after.
But where would I be without all of it? Who would I be if I’d never been with him at all?
“No,” I whisper, my nails digging into the cheap paper cup. “I wouldn’t take it back. Just parts of it,” I add softly. “Just the end.”
Ryland nods slowly. I try to shake it off, to push my memories back down in the darkness where they belong, but they’re slipping around me now, a cloak of bitterness and regret.
The sun slips behind a cloud. I shiver.
“Are you finishing that?” he asks, nodding at my food.
“Go ahead,” I tell him, my appetite gone. He devours what’s left, and washes it all down with a gulp of soda.
“Ready to go?”
I nod, and follow him back to the truck. But instead of opening the door for me, Ryland pauses by the passenger side. He looks down at me, and gently touches his hand to my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his dark gaze searching mine. “We were having fun, and then I had to wreck it.”
I shrug. “It’s OK. I guess that’s the thing about the past. You can’t pretend for long.”
“I promise, one day it won’t hurt like this.”
I swallow back the sudden sting in my throat. What does he know about heartbreak? He already said, he’s never been in love. He can’t possibly know what it’s like to be hurt by someone the way I was hurt by Connor, to have my heart ripped into jagged aching pieces over and over again.
As if he can see my doubt, Ryland gives me a quiet look. “Just because I’ve never been in love, it doesn’t mean my heart was never broken. It doesn’t take a lover to hurt you like that. Sometimes, it’s worse when it’s not.”
I wonder who he’s talking about. I can see from the sudden shadow in his eyes that he’s telling me the truth.
“Sometimes, I don’t know how people do it,” I admit quietly. “Just keep baring their souls and loving, after all the pain. When I think about giving that much of myself to someone again…” I stop. It fills me with dread, with tired resignation. How does anyone find the strength to love again once they know just how much it hurts in the end? It seems crazy to me. Crazy, or naive.
I realize what I’ve said, how much I’ve just revealed, but Ryland doesn’t flinch. To my surprise, he brings his lips to my forehead in a gentle kiss.
The touch ripples through me.
“It isn’t supposed to be so hard,” he murmurs, and for a moment, I can’t help but waver against him. “Maybe the reason he hurt you so much, is that he was always the wrong one for you.”
His words slip beneath my defenses, and now I really do feel the tears well, stinging in the corner of my eyes. Part of what’s made it so hard has been the guilt: that empty aching thought that we were perfect, we were meant to be—if only I could have pulled him back from the edge.
If only I could have loved Connor enough to save him.
I know now that was just a dream. There’s no saving a man like him.
But I could have saved myself, a hundred times over, if only I’d been smarter, braver, stronger.
I could have saved myself so much pain.
“Hey,” Ryland murmurs, and then his arms are around me, holding me up. “It’s OK,” he says softly, stroking my hair. “It’s all over now.”
Over.
I sink against him, but its not sadness I feel now, it’s a sweet relief. That I’m standing right here with the noise of traffic streaming past, bright sun on my bare shoulders, the smell of fried dough and salt spinning in the air.
I feel alive. I feel blessed. Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t know. All I know for sure right now is that a dark, painful chapter in my life is over, and I have a chance now to do it right this time. To choose a man who will make me better, not worse; a man who makes me feel safe and loved, not scared he’ll flip a switch and become somebody else.
I get a second chance now. And Connor?
Connor used up all his chances a long time ago.
I take a shaking breath, and lift my head from Ryland’s chest. His arms are still around me, gently pulling me close. It already feels so easy to be holding him like this, it doesn’t make any sense. For months now I’ve been brittle, flinching from hugs and signs of affection like a nervous animal.
But Ryland holds me, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
