Who wouldn’t pick a girl like that over me? I’ve never had a real boyfriend, never been on a date, or done anything interesting in my life at all.
It strikes me just how right Blake really is. I am a kid. And I’ve spent too long building all my daydreams around him when there’s a whole world out there to discover.
I suddenly realize I’m still loitering behind the curtain. I clear my throat loudly and draw the drapes aside. “Hey guys!” I say brightly, like my heart isn’t beating wounded and bruised in my chest. “Who’s ready to eat? I’m starving!”
I slide into a seat and say hi to everyone, but inside, my mind is racing.
“Happy graduation.” Blake smiles at me from across the table. “See, I told you that you’d make it.”
“Just about,” I answer faintly, looking away from him before that gorgeous face can enchant me all over again. Soon, Tegan joins us, loudly chatting about who didn’t get into what college and what we’re going to do on tour with Dex this summer. I nod along, pretending everything’s OK, but inside, I feel a hollow ache.
Not the longing I’ve carried around with me for so long; the weight of my crush on Blake, but finally, its absence.
No more.
I force myself to look at him now across the table, to take in his blue eyes and that mischievous grin. And I force myself to let him go—to let go of the hopeful delusion that there’s anything more than casual brotherly affection in that smile, any feelings beyond genuine friendship lurking beneath the surface.
He laughs at some joke from Dex, still as oblivious to my feelings as the day we met.
Maybe that’s a good thing.
At least now there’ll be no awkwardness between us. I can move on for good: focus on living my life for me now. Let him go, and figure out who I am, and where I belong in the world.
My heart aches, even as I try to tell myself I’m lucky. I made it through high school and now there’s a whole world out there for me. Blake is in the past; the hurt will heal, replaced with a dozen new men, a hundred new experiences.
I can do anything I want, go anywhere I choose…
Like Paris.
24.
Now
Three months.
The words beat in my head in a terrible rhythm. I’m frozen in place, but Blake doesn’t even notice: he’s halfway across the makeshift parking lot towards the movie set before he turns, confused.
“What’s up?”
“I…” I try to pull it together. I’m not a teenager anymore, this isn’t like before. We’re together now, and every relationship has a few bumps in the road. The important thing is to be an adult and talk about what’s going on.
“You’re leaving, for three months,” I begin. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I mean, I called you last night. And this morning too, when I saw the photos…” I trail off, remembering the other big thing I wanted to talk about. But those tabloid shots pale in comparison to this new bombshell.
A guilty look skitters across Blake’s handsome face. “Look, I’m sorry about that.” He glances away. “I know I said I’d try to make it back, but it was late, and I figured it was better to crash, and fly in fresh today.”
“But you didn’t crash.” My voice comes out quiet but even. “You went out partying with Selena and Bethany.”
Blake tenses up. “What are you saying? You think I hooked up with one of them?”
“No.” I feel a chill. “No, I don’t. But you didn’t call me either. And I’m guessing I never even crossed your mind when you took a job that would take you to the other side of the world.”
Blake glances around at the crew milling nearby to set things up. He grabs my arm, and steers me around the corner, to the back of the cottage. It’s quiet here, just boxes of equipment and cables in the shadow of the trees.
“What’s this about?” He frowns. “Why are you suddenly making a big deal about this. You’re the one who came up with the idea of going to the city in the first place. You told me to go get the job!”
“I wanted you to go to the audition, of course I did.” I swallow back the lump in my throat. I hate that he’s defensive, that he’s arguing with me, but I force myself to stand my ground. “What’s going to happen with us, if you’re away so long?”
Blake laughs. “Is that what you’re worried about? Babe, it’ll be fine. We’ll talk on the phone, and you can come visit. It will go by in a flash. Selena was saying her boyfriend will come visit too—”
“Selena?” I repeat. “You mean, she’ll be in the movie too?”
“She just got cast, isn’t that great?” Blake says, and he can’t hide his excitement at the thought. “She’s such a great actress, we talked most of the night about our characters, and how Jacques works… I can’t wait, I’m going to learn so much from her.”
He seems to realize what he’s saying, and quickly puts an arm around me. “Not like that,” he adds quickly. “It’s just professional, a colleague, like with Lila.”
I don’t move.
He sighs. “C’mon, Zoey, you’re not jealous, are you? Don’t you trust me, is that what this is about?”
I take a deep breath. Inside, I want to scream and yell and cry, but staring at him, I can’t believe he doesn’t realize. That he can’t understand what he’s doing here.
It strikes me just how right Blake really is. I am a kid. And I’ve spent too long building all my daydreams around him when there’s a whole world out there to discover.
I suddenly realize I’m still loitering behind the curtain. I clear my throat loudly and draw the drapes aside. “Hey guys!” I say brightly, like my heart isn’t beating wounded and bruised in my chest. “Who’s ready to eat? I’m starving!”
I slide into a seat and say hi to everyone, but inside, my mind is racing.
“Happy graduation.” Blake smiles at me from across the table. “See, I told you that you’d make it.”
“Just about,” I answer faintly, looking away from him before that gorgeous face can enchant me all over again. Soon, Tegan joins us, loudly chatting about who didn’t get into what college and what we’re going to do on tour with Dex this summer. I nod along, pretending everything’s OK, but inside, I feel a hollow ache.
Not the longing I’ve carried around with me for so long; the weight of my crush on Blake, but finally, its absence.
No more.
I force myself to look at him now across the table, to take in his blue eyes and that mischievous grin. And I force myself to let him go—to let go of the hopeful delusion that there’s anything more than casual brotherly affection in that smile, any feelings beyond genuine friendship lurking beneath the surface.
He laughs at some joke from Dex, still as oblivious to my feelings as the day we met.
Maybe that’s a good thing.
At least now there’ll be no awkwardness between us. I can move on for good: focus on living my life for me now. Let him go, and figure out who I am, and where I belong in the world.
My heart aches, even as I try to tell myself I’m lucky. I made it through high school and now there’s a whole world out there for me. Blake is in the past; the hurt will heal, replaced with a dozen new men, a hundred new experiences.
I can do anything I want, go anywhere I choose…
Like Paris.
24.
Now
Three months.
The words beat in my head in a terrible rhythm. I’m frozen in place, but Blake doesn’t even notice: he’s halfway across the makeshift parking lot towards the movie set before he turns, confused.
“What’s up?”
“I…” I try to pull it together. I’m not a teenager anymore, this isn’t like before. We’re together now, and every relationship has a few bumps in the road. The important thing is to be an adult and talk about what’s going on.
“You’re leaving, for three months,” I begin. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I mean, I called you last night. And this morning too, when I saw the photos…” I trail off, remembering the other big thing I wanted to talk about. But those tabloid shots pale in comparison to this new bombshell.
A guilty look skitters across Blake’s handsome face. “Look, I’m sorry about that.” He glances away. “I know I said I’d try to make it back, but it was late, and I figured it was better to crash, and fly in fresh today.”
“But you didn’t crash.” My voice comes out quiet but even. “You went out partying with Selena and Bethany.”
Blake tenses up. “What are you saying? You think I hooked up with one of them?”
“No.” I feel a chill. “No, I don’t. But you didn’t call me either. And I’m guessing I never even crossed your mind when you took a job that would take you to the other side of the world.”
Blake glances around at the crew milling nearby to set things up. He grabs my arm, and steers me around the corner, to the back of the cottage. It’s quiet here, just boxes of equipment and cables in the shadow of the trees.
“What’s this about?” He frowns. “Why are you suddenly making a big deal about this. You’re the one who came up with the idea of going to the city in the first place. You told me to go get the job!”
“I wanted you to go to the audition, of course I did.” I swallow back the lump in my throat. I hate that he’s defensive, that he’s arguing with me, but I force myself to stand my ground. “What’s going to happen with us, if you’re away so long?”
Blake laughs. “Is that what you’re worried about? Babe, it’ll be fine. We’ll talk on the phone, and you can come visit. It will go by in a flash. Selena was saying her boyfriend will come visit too—”
“Selena?” I repeat. “You mean, she’ll be in the movie too?”
“She just got cast, isn’t that great?” Blake says, and he can’t hide his excitement at the thought. “She’s such a great actress, we talked most of the night about our characters, and how Jacques works… I can’t wait, I’m going to learn so much from her.”
He seems to realize what he’s saying, and quickly puts an arm around me. “Not like that,” he adds quickly. “It’s just professional, a colleague, like with Lila.”
I don’t move.
He sighs. “C’mon, Zoey, you’re not jealous, are you? Don’t you trust me, is that what this is about?”
I take a deep breath. Inside, I want to scream and yell and cry, but staring at him, I can’t believe he doesn’t realize. That he can’t understand what he’s doing here.
