Warmth in Ice
Page 3
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Dr. Todd had been exhaustive in going over my continued treatment plan. After six months at Grayson I had been released into outpatient care within the setting of an independent living facility. I was deemed “high-functioning” enough to warrant some slack on the reins. I was no longer a threat to myself, so the staff at Grayson thought living on my own would be beneficial for my progress.
So why, do you ask, did I not get into my car and head straight back to Virginia? Back to the girl I had promised my future to.
Because I had come a long way from being the selfish, self-centered prick who would launch himself back into Maggie Young’s life before I was 100% ready. I had done the second chance with Maggie and it hadn’t ended the way we both had hoped. And I wasn’t going to screw this up again.
My shit would be sorted before I took up residence in her world again.
So I was staying in Florida. I would follow my treatment plan. I would stay straight on that damn path until the only way to go would be back to Maggie.
I’d get there. I had to. Failure was not an option.
Roberta was still talking, going through the list of rules like I had lost the ability to read while I was as the center. She was being purposefully slow as though I didn’t understand what she meant by no loud music and parking only in my assigned space.
“Staff reserves the right to unannounced searches of the property if it is suspected you are using drugs,” Roberta stated firmly, pressing her mouth into a hard line. I tensed again at another one of her implied assumptions.
Though I guess I hadn’t earned the right to be exempt from them. There was a reason I had been institutionalized three times since the age of sixteen.
“I understand,” I said, tapping the paper against my palm, feeling more than a little agitated. I had stupidly expected today to be low key. That maybe Ruby would help me unpack. I’d order a pizza, maybe read a book. I’d call Maggie and remember why I was doing all of this to begin with.
Apparently Rose Heights was more hardcore than the brochure had led me to believe. I had yet to see the smiling residents sipping their coffee or a friendly game of badminton on the lawn that graced the advertisements. Reality wasn’t the pretty pictures on glossy pages. This reality was wariness and distrust until you earned otherwise.
“I’ve penciled you in for ten on Monday morning for your first case management meeting. My office is across the street. I’ll see you then,” Roberta said, handing me a thick folder of information and flashing me that genuine smile of hers that was so at odds with her scare-me-shitless demeanor.
Roberta called out a goodbye to Ruby, who had gone into the kitchen and was chatting with Jason. Oscar was parked in front of the TV and hadn’t acknowledged me since I had come back into the room.
I can tick off becoming BFFs with my new roommates on my list of delusional expectations.
After my case manager left, I had the urge to chuck all my good intentions for a better future in the trash and get the hell out of there. Because this was going to be hard. This was going to hurt. And I was terrified that I wasn’t able to handle everything that my real life wanted to throw at me.
Ruby came in carrying a cup of something and put into my slack hand. “Drink. It’ll help you settle,” she insisted. I gave the cup a sniff and tried not to cringe.
“It won’t kill you, Clay. It’s just a little catnip tea to help with your nerves. I drink two cups every day. I sweetened it for you,” she said as though a boatload of sugar would help.
I sipped and gagged, making a face. “I’ll drink it later,” I promised, trying not to hurt her feelings.
Ruby gave me a stern look but didn’t comment. “Let’s get the rest of the things out of the car and get you unpacked. You’re looking tired,” she commented, pushing me gently toward the door.
When Ruby had picked me up from the Grayson Center that morning I had been hesitantly optimistic. Dr. Todd and I had met and we both felt confident in my progress. But as with every time I checked out of residential treatment, those warm fuzzies slowly faded into teeth gnashing self-doubt. I tiptoed on the edge of a full blown freak out.
What if I had gotten so used to being locked up that I didn’t know what to do once I was given the key to get out? I was expecting to build a life out of the ashes of the old one but I didn’t even know where to begin.
Feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket again, I knew that I could do this.
Because it wasn’t just for me.
“Hey you,” I said, answering the phone, going out onto the porch for some privacy. I didn’t need Jason or Oscar the Grouch listening in on my phone call.
“Hey back. I’ve been sitting here on pins and needles wondering how you were getting on,” Maggie said. Just the sound of her voice was all I needed. I let her words wrap around my heart and warm me from the inside out. The self-doubt, the inner loathing, it all melted away just knowing that this beautiful, amazing girl was waiting for me on the other side of all this.
I walked down the stairs, the phone pressed to my ear. “It’s fine. Ruby’s here, we’re just bringing in my stuff now. I met my new case manager. Her name’s Roberta.” I dropped my voice down into a teasing whisper. “She scares me, Mags. I think she might use my testicles for target practice if I’m not careful.”
Maggie’s warm laugh made my heart beat faster and for the millionth time I wished she were here. I would give anything to smell her hair and feel her fitted against me, filling the space meant only for her.
So why, do you ask, did I not get into my car and head straight back to Virginia? Back to the girl I had promised my future to.
Because I had come a long way from being the selfish, self-centered prick who would launch himself back into Maggie Young’s life before I was 100% ready. I had done the second chance with Maggie and it hadn’t ended the way we both had hoped. And I wasn’t going to screw this up again.
My shit would be sorted before I took up residence in her world again.
So I was staying in Florida. I would follow my treatment plan. I would stay straight on that damn path until the only way to go would be back to Maggie.
I’d get there. I had to. Failure was not an option.
Roberta was still talking, going through the list of rules like I had lost the ability to read while I was as the center. She was being purposefully slow as though I didn’t understand what she meant by no loud music and parking only in my assigned space.
“Staff reserves the right to unannounced searches of the property if it is suspected you are using drugs,” Roberta stated firmly, pressing her mouth into a hard line. I tensed again at another one of her implied assumptions.
Though I guess I hadn’t earned the right to be exempt from them. There was a reason I had been institutionalized three times since the age of sixteen.
“I understand,” I said, tapping the paper against my palm, feeling more than a little agitated. I had stupidly expected today to be low key. That maybe Ruby would help me unpack. I’d order a pizza, maybe read a book. I’d call Maggie and remember why I was doing all of this to begin with.
Apparently Rose Heights was more hardcore than the brochure had led me to believe. I had yet to see the smiling residents sipping their coffee or a friendly game of badminton on the lawn that graced the advertisements. Reality wasn’t the pretty pictures on glossy pages. This reality was wariness and distrust until you earned otherwise.
“I’ve penciled you in for ten on Monday morning for your first case management meeting. My office is across the street. I’ll see you then,” Roberta said, handing me a thick folder of information and flashing me that genuine smile of hers that was so at odds with her scare-me-shitless demeanor.
Roberta called out a goodbye to Ruby, who had gone into the kitchen and was chatting with Jason. Oscar was parked in front of the TV and hadn’t acknowledged me since I had come back into the room.
I can tick off becoming BFFs with my new roommates on my list of delusional expectations.
After my case manager left, I had the urge to chuck all my good intentions for a better future in the trash and get the hell out of there. Because this was going to be hard. This was going to hurt. And I was terrified that I wasn’t able to handle everything that my real life wanted to throw at me.
Ruby came in carrying a cup of something and put into my slack hand. “Drink. It’ll help you settle,” she insisted. I gave the cup a sniff and tried not to cringe.
“It won’t kill you, Clay. It’s just a little catnip tea to help with your nerves. I drink two cups every day. I sweetened it for you,” she said as though a boatload of sugar would help.
I sipped and gagged, making a face. “I’ll drink it later,” I promised, trying not to hurt her feelings.
Ruby gave me a stern look but didn’t comment. “Let’s get the rest of the things out of the car and get you unpacked. You’re looking tired,” she commented, pushing me gently toward the door.
When Ruby had picked me up from the Grayson Center that morning I had been hesitantly optimistic. Dr. Todd and I had met and we both felt confident in my progress. But as with every time I checked out of residential treatment, those warm fuzzies slowly faded into teeth gnashing self-doubt. I tiptoed on the edge of a full blown freak out.
What if I had gotten so used to being locked up that I didn’t know what to do once I was given the key to get out? I was expecting to build a life out of the ashes of the old one but I didn’t even know where to begin.
Feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket again, I knew that I could do this.
Because it wasn’t just for me.
“Hey you,” I said, answering the phone, going out onto the porch for some privacy. I didn’t need Jason or Oscar the Grouch listening in on my phone call.
“Hey back. I’ve been sitting here on pins and needles wondering how you were getting on,” Maggie said. Just the sound of her voice was all I needed. I let her words wrap around my heart and warm me from the inside out. The self-doubt, the inner loathing, it all melted away just knowing that this beautiful, amazing girl was waiting for me on the other side of all this.
I walked down the stairs, the phone pressed to my ear. “It’s fine. Ruby’s here, we’re just bringing in my stuff now. I met my new case manager. Her name’s Roberta.” I dropped my voice down into a teasing whisper. “She scares me, Mags. I think she might use my testicles for target practice if I’m not careful.”
Maggie’s warm laugh made my heart beat faster and for the millionth time I wished she were here. I would give anything to smell her hair and feel her fitted against me, filling the space meant only for her.
