He cringed, shaking his head. “Don’t.”
I bit my lip. I knew saying sorry wouldn’t make him feel any better. He wasn’t just angry, he was embarrassed — and it was my fault.
“You pay for an investigator?” I asked and he nodded, head still in his hands. I swallowed. “Has he found anything?”
“Not yet,” he answered gruffly. “But I have to believe one day he will. Or believe she’s dead. I alternate between the two daily.”
My eyes skated over his skin as he breathed steadily, trying to calm himself. I watched his chest rise and fall, watched the muscles in his back strain and stretch against the thin fabric of his cut off shirt. I guess I should have been disgusted with his confession about the women from the club, but I only found myself yearning to take away the pain his words were laced with. I knew what it felt like to be embarrassed, to feel not good enough.
Before I knew what I was doing, my fingers reached out, touching the smooth skin of his forearm. He stiffened as I slid them lower, wrapping them around his wrist. He lifted his head to watch me and I tilted his wrist toward the ceiling, my heart thumping loudly in my ears. It was the first time I’d been brave enough to touch him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. Rhodes’ nose flared, his eyes closed tight. I was shaking, unsure of the movements my body was so confidently making without me, but Rhodes was perfectly still. Carefully, my fingers found the inside of his wrist and I pressed hard. “I can feel your heart too, Rhodes. You’re more than what you think you have to be.”
His forehead wrinkled as if my words had caused him pain and his eyes connected with mine, staying there for a moment, studying me, asking me for something before they fell even slower than before to rest on my lips. My stomach dropped as his breath came harder and mine did, too — like we were breathing in a fire, filling our lungs with smoke, starving for oxygen. It was the first time I admitted it to myself.
I wanted Rhodes to kiss me.
I waited, my fingertips still pressed into the inside of his wrist. He leaned forward, just a fraction, barely enough for me to notice but enough to make both our heartrates beat faster. I felt his through the vein in his wrist and mine thumping loudly in my ears. When I licked my lips, Rhodes closed his eyes again and let out a frustrated breath through his nose. His rough hand trailed down my arms and hooked around my hand on his wrist, gripping it for just a moment before pulling it away.
“We should eat.”
He dropped my arm to the sofa and stood, making his way into the kitchen. I just sat there, my breath still shaky, my lips parted. A wave of embarrassment crashed over me, strong and merciless.
I’d tried to kiss Rhodes, and he’d denied me.
I crossed my arms over my chest and fought against whatever emotion was rising in me, but it was too late. My cheeks hot, I shot up from the couch and hastily grabbed my bag from the floor.
“I’m actually not hungry.”
“Natalie,” Rhodes started but I didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. The door slammed behind me, and I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not but I didn’t stop to contemplate it. I didn’t stop at all until I was in my car and halfway down the road. The tires on the Rover screeched as I whipped into the parking lot of a Circle K, throwing the car into park and letting my head fall to the steering wheel.
I thought I knew what it was to be embarrassed, to feel like a naïve little girl, but nothing compared to what I felt as I tried to keep myself together in that parking lot. I squeezed my eyes shut, forced them open, tried with everything I had left in me to breathe normally under the wave. But I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was surrendering. I was letting it take me under.
And it was in that moment that I realized Rhodes was like lightning. White hot and electric, but fleeting and dangerous. Beautiful to watch, but perilous to touch.
But it was too late for warning signs.
I’d been struck.
Rhodes cancelled our training the next day and I weighed in with a female trainer I’d only seen around the club a few times. Her name was Sophia and she had beautiful tan skin and the tightest body I’d ever seen. I lost another four pounds, and though I should have been happy about it, I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything other than disappointed. Because as embarrassed as I was about the night before, I still wanted Rhodes to be there for the weigh-in. Since it had been three weeks, Sophia took my measurements, too — for the first time since I’d started training. I was down inches in every area, and officially, I was a size twelve.
I didn’t even celebrate with a smile.
Sophia trained me for an hour after the weigh-in, but her session was a cakewalk compared to Rhodes’. When he cancelled again on Monday, I didn’t even go to the club. I ran my neighborhood, instead. Twice. I ran and ran until my legs were numb and my watch hit quadruple digits, then I collapsed in my driveway, staring up at the blue Carolina sky. Clicking the record button on my watch, I decided to talk — even if it wasn’t to an actual person.
“My muscles hurt today, but not half as bad as my heart,” I started, but then shook my head, realizing how stupid I was being. I didn’t need to impress the watch with my words. So, I started speaking freely. “I don’t know what is going on in my head.” I sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about Mason. I know he’s with Shay, but not seeing them together has made it easier to pretend that maybe he’s not. I want to believe that everything I’m doing to change my life is completely for me but then I think about him and her and I just…” My voice faded off and I watched as a soft white cloud slowly floated in front of the sun, granting me temporary relief from its rays. “He was my best friend. I don’t know how to lose him and Willow, both.” I swallowed. Saying the words out loud scared me and for the first time I wondered if I truly wanted to be with Mason or if I just didn’t want to be alone.
“And then there’s Rhodes.” Just saying his name sent a familiar pang through my chest. “I don’t know what to even say about him.” I let the watch record nothing but my breathing for a moment. “He makes me so angry, like I’m forcing him to be my friend. But the truth is that I went into this whole thing knowing that wasn’t the case. He was the one who made me feel that way, because he invited me over. And he gave me advice. And he made me believe he cared about me.” I sighed. “I don’t know. He just makes me feel like maybe I have the ability to be someone I only dreamed I could be. He makes me feel powerful, strong, and sometimes… beautiful.” I blinked, knowing I was about to admit it out loud for the first time. “And I wanted him to kiss me.”
I bit my lip. I knew saying sorry wouldn’t make him feel any better. He wasn’t just angry, he was embarrassed — and it was my fault.
“You pay for an investigator?” I asked and he nodded, head still in his hands. I swallowed. “Has he found anything?”
“Not yet,” he answered gruffly. “But I have to believe one day he will. Or believe she’s dead. I alternate between the two daily.”
My eyes skated over his skin as he breathed steadily, trying to calm himself. I watched his chest rise and fall, watched the muscles in his back strain and stretch against the thin fabric of his cut off shirt. I guess I should have been disgusted with his confession about the women from the club, but I only found myself yearning to take away the pain his words were laced with. I knew what it felt like to be embarrassed, to feel not good enough.
Before I knew what I was doing, my fingers reached out, touching the smooth skin of his forearm. He stiffened as I slid them lower, wrapping them around his wrist. He lifted his head to watch me and I tilted his wrist toward the ceiling, my heart thumping loudly in my ears. It was the first time I’d been brave enough to touch him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. Rhodes’ nose flared, his eyes closed tight. I was shaking, unsure of the movements my body was so confidently making without me, but Rhodes was perfectly still. Carefully, my fingers found the inside of his wrist and I pressed hard. “I can feel your heart too, Rhodes. You’re more than what you think you have to be.”
His forehead wrinkled as if my words had caused him pain and his eyes connected with mine, staying there for a moment, studying me, asking me for something before they fell even slower than before to rest on my lips. My stomach dropped as his breath came harder and mine did, too — like we were breathing in a fire, filling our lungs with smoke, starving for oxygen. It was the first time I admitted it to myself.
I wanted Rhodes to kiss me.
I waited, my fingertips still pressed into the inside of his wrist. He leaned forward, just a fraction, barely enough for me to notice but enough to make both our heartrates beat faster. I felt his through the vein in his wrist and mine thumping loudly in my ears. When I licked my lips, Rhodes closed his eyes again and let out a frustrated breath through his nose. His rough hand trailed down my arms and hooked around my hand on his wrist, gripping it for just a moment before pulling it away.
“We should eat.”
He dropped my arm to the sofa and stood, making his way into the kitchen. I just sat there, my breath still shaky, my lips parted. A wave of embarrassment crashed over me, strong and merciless.
I’d tried to kiss Rhodes, and he’d denied me.
I crossed my arms over my chest and fought against whatever emotion was rising in me, but it was too late. My cheeks hot, I shot up from the couch and hastily grabbed my bag from the floor.
“I’m actually not hungry.”
“Natalie,” Rhodes started but I didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. The door slammed behind me, and I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not but I didn’t stop to contemplate it. I didn’t stop at all until I was in my car and halfway down the road. The tires on the Rover screeched as I whipped into the parking lot of a Circle K, throwing the car into park and letting my head fall to the steering wheel.
I thought I knew what it was to be embarrassed, to feel like a naïve little girl, but nothing compared to what I felt as I tried to keep myself together in that parking lot. I squeezed my eyes shut, forced them open, tried with everything I had left in me to breathe normally under the wave. But I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was surrendering. I was letting it take me under.
And it was in that moment that I realized Rhodes was like lightning. White hot and electric, but fleeting and dangerous. Beautiful to watch, but perilous to touch.
But it was too late for warning signs.
I’d been struck.
Rhodes cancelled our training the next day and I weighed in with a female trainer I’d only seen around the club a few times. Her name was Sophia and she had beautiful tan skin and the tightest body I’d ever seen. I lost another four pounds, and though I should have been happy about it, I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything other than disappointed. Because as embarrassed as I was about the night before, I still wanted Rhodes to be there for the weigh-in. Since it had been three weeks, Sophia took my measurements, too — for the first time since I’d started training. I was down inches in every area, and officially, I was a size twelve.
I didn’t even celebrate with a smile.
Sophia trained me for an hour after the weigh-in, but her session was a cakewalk compared to Rhodes’. When he cancelled again on Monday, I didn’t even go to the club. I ran my neighborhood, instead. Twice. I ran and ran until my legs were numb and my watch hit quadruple digits, then I collapsed in my driveway, staring up at the blue Carolina sky. Clicking the record button on my watch, I decided to talk — even if it wasn’t to an actual person.
“My muscles hurt today, but not half as bad as my heart,” I started, but then shook my head, realizing how stupid I was being. I didn’t need to impress the watch with my words. So, I started speaking freely. “I don’t know what is going on in my head.” I sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about Mason. I know he’s with Shay, but not seeing them together has made it easier to pretend that maybe he’s not. I want to believe that everything I’m doing to change my life is completely for me but then I think about him and her and I just…” My voice faded off and I watched as a soft white cloud slowly floated in front of the sun, granting me temporary relief from its rays. “He was my best friend. I don’t know how to lose him and Willow, both.” I swallowed. Saying the words out loud scared me and for the first time I wondered if I truly wanted to be with Mason or if I just didn’t want to be alone.
“And then there’s Rhodes.” Just saying his name sent a familiar pang through my chest. “I don’t know what to even say about him.” I let the watch record nothing but my breathing for a moment. “He makes me so angry, like I’m forcing him to be my friend. But the truth is that I went into this whole thing knowing that wasn’t the case. He was the one who made me feel that way, because he invited me over. And he gave me advice. And he made me believe he cared about me.” I sighed. “I don’t know. He just makes me feel like maybe I have the ability to be someone I only dreamed I could be. He makes me feel powerful, strong, and sometimes… beautiful.” I blinked, knowing I was about to admit it out loud for the first time. “And I wanted him to kiss me.”
