With All My Soul
Page 94

He put one finger over my mouth and grinned. And this nose, by the way, is terrifyingly cute, both head-on and in profile. These cheeks... He kissed my right cheek. These cheeks are where smiles were meant to live, and where all my own smiles are born, and if you dont think thats scary, then you obviously havent noticed how I smile much more often than is expected of the dreaded grim reaper. This forehead... Another kiss, and my heart nearly exploded. This forehead hides scary thoughts I wish you didnt have to think, and it crinkles when youre worried.
Tod ran one finger over my left eyebrow, slowly, his gaze holding mine. These eyes scare me on a daily basis, because they see more of me than Id even thought possible. They see all of me. And they show me things, too. He kissed each of my eyebrows, and tears blurred my vision. These beautiful blue eyes show me all the things youd be willing to do for the people you care about. The things you would give up. The pain you would put yourself through for anyone you loveincluding meand I can hardly stand to look into these eyes sometimes, because when I do, I know that youre going to do what needs to be done, even if that might take you away from me. From all of us.
He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed. And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever youre thinking about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is scaring me worse than Ive ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died. Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when you died, because whatever youre thinking...its bigger than that, isnt it? This is bigger than one death, because its bigger than one life. Isnt it?
Tod, I cant.... My eyes filled again, and his face blurred beneath my tears.
Yes, you can. He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension twist in his. What are you thinking, Kaylee? He frowned, looking deeper. Whatever it is, please tell me you havent already done it.
I havent. But most of the plans are already in place.
What plans? What did you do? Please tell me you didnt make another deal with a hellion.
I need a drink. My mouth is so dry. Id never been so nervous or felt so guilty in my life.
Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I knew it was time.
Thanks.
He set both cups on the fridge one last time. Better?
Yeah. I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation Id ever been apart of.
Whats going on, Kaylee? His voice was low and tense. He watched me in fear, and that was only going to get worse.
Im going to tell you some of it. As much as I can. But an hour from now, youre not going to remember what I said. Not consciously, anyway.
Im not going to...? His frown deepened. Why wouldnt I remember?
I glanced pointedly at the cups standing on his minifridge, and he followed my gaze. What the hell did you do? When he turned back to me, irises twisting with a soul-bruising combination of fear, anger, and betrayal, I held the vial out to him, my hand shaking almost uncontrollably.
He took the vial and read his mothers handwriting. Comprehension surfaced in his expression, then bled into anger a split second before he turned and hurled the vial at the wall. It shattered, leaving a wet smear on the paint and shards of glass on the floor.
I flinched but stood my ground. Id known hed be mad, but that didnt alter necessity.
You drugged me?
Im so sorry, Tod. I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away from me, and my heart broke into a thousand splinters of pain and despair. I had to.
You had to drug me? He stood and paced the narrow floor space for a second, then turned to me again. What the hell is wrong with you?
This is the only way I could tell you whats going to happen, and you deserve to know that, even if youre not going to remember it.
That doesnt make any sense! Whats the point of telling me if Im not going to remember?
Your mom taught me a little bit about I gestured vaguely toward the wet spot on the wall when we used it on Traci. You wont remember specifically what Im about to tell you, but subconsciously you should retain enough to understand that this was my choice. That this is really how I wanted it to happen.
Kaylee...? His voice was so thick with fear that it seemed to hang in the air between us. What did you do?
I wasnt ready to answer that yet, so I continued with my own train of thought. Also, I wanted to say goodbye. I couldnt just...go.
No. He sank onto the bed next to me, shaking his head so hard that blond curls bounced on his forehead. No. Whatever you did, we can undo it. Youre not going anywhere. I wont let you. None of us will.
I took his hand, and that time he let me keep it. He covered them both with his free hand as if he were about to break some tough news to me.
I took a long, deep breath. In a couple of hours, Levis going to come see you guys at my house.