‘I make you uncomfortable,’ I said sadly.
‘Not a bit of it.’ Accompanied by a gorgeous smile.
Ah, I do,’ I teased. All that shaking hands with me, then running away.’
He half-laughed, ‘Maybe I feel guilty.’
‘For what?’
‘For, you know, when we were teenagers. But it’s all in the past and you don’t hate me, right?’ ‘I don’t hate you.’ He smiled with relief.
‘But when you went away and never wrote to me,’ I surprised myself by saying, ‘I nearly lost my reason.’
He looked like I’d slapped him. ‘I’m sorry, I thought it would be better that way. Less painful, to just let it all fade away.’
‘Well, it wasn’t, not for me. I spent years waiting for you.’
‘I’m sorry, Maggie. I was only eighteen, young and stupid. I hadn’t a clue. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you…’ He stretched out, lay on his elbow, and placed his hand over mine. We sat in silence.
‘Shay, tell me, are you happily married? Do you love your wife?’
‘Yes and yes.’
‘Are you faithful to her?’
‘Yes.’ Then a beat later, ‘Mostly.’
‘Mostly? What does that mean?’
‘I am in Ireland,’ he said awkwardly. ‘But, like… when I’m working here…’
‘I seeee…’ I said speculatively, letting it hang in the air.
‘Maggie, I want to tell you something.’
There was something about his tone that had me on the alert.
His tawny eyes were on mine. ‘Maggie, I want you to know…’
That he’d always loved me? That every day since he’d said goodbye to me at the ferry port, he’d yearned for me?
‘Maggie, I’ll never leave my wife.’
‘Um…’
‘My own dad left us and I saw what it did to the family.’ ‘Ah…’
‘But you and I… I come to LA a lot – if you’re still here, maybe we could…’
I understood what was happening: I was being offered a part-share in Shay Delaney. A consolation prize: We apologize that your life was damaged by the abrupt withdrawal of Shay Delaney, but please accept this voucher to be redeemed by Shay Delaney at your convenience.
Unexpectedly, I started to laugh. ‘You’re one of the good guys, aren’t you, Shay?’
‘I try. It matters.’
‘Your wife is so lucky, having a husband who’ll always stay with her.’
He nodded.
‘Even though he rides rings around himself on his business trips.’
His face darkened and he half-sat up. ‘Hey, there’s no need to be like that. I’m just trying to…’
‘What? Please everyone?’ That started me laughing again.
‘Trying to be fair.’
‘Fair. Like you’re a prize.’
He stared at me. He looked surprised, and I realized how very glad I was that I wasn’t his wife, waiting at home six thousand miles away, taking care of three children and wondering anxiously what her handsome, charming husband was up to. And I knew something else – I wouldn’t take a snail off his windscreen.
‘You try to be everything to everyone; you can’t say no. Don’t you get tired?’
He wasn’t happy. Not one bit.
‘I thought this was what you wanted,’ he sounded confused. ‘You know, all that ringing me, insisting on seeing me. You knew I was married…’
Oh Christ, when he put it like that. He was right: I’d almost stalked him over the past couple of days.
‘Why did you come here?’ he asked. ‘What did you want from me?’
Good question. Very good question. Being around him was like staring at the sun for too long: it temporarily blinded me. I’d gravitated to him, like a moth to a light, but with only the vaguest idea of what I’d hoped to get.
‘I wanted to know why you never wrote to me.’ But I already knew that, it was hardly rocket science: he’d outgrown me and didn’t have the guts to tell me. No biggie, it happens all the time, especially at that age.
‘And that’s all?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sure,’ he said, slightly scornfully. ‘You wanted a lot more than that from me.’
I hadn’t. I hadn’t known what I’d wanted, but now I was certain of what I didn’t want. I didn’t want a relationship with him, part-time or otherwise.
‘Honest to God, I just wanted closure.’
‘Well, you’ve got it,’ he snapped.
‘I have, haven’t I?’ I grinned.
‘You’re in great form all of a sudden.’
‘I am.’ I felt light and free. Shay Delaney was just a guy from another life, the repository of hopes that were years past their use-by date.
Suddenly I found myself thinking about those people who break into the pyramids looking for treasure, but when they get there the tomb is empty because someone had got there long before them.
‘Did you ever see Raiders of the Lost Ark?’ I murmured.
He looked at me as if I’d cracked up completely. ‘Of course I did.’
And the thought that had been striving to make itself known broke the surface, ready to be claimed – Garv had been right when he’d said that Shay was one of my reasons for coming to LA. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, it had definitely been decided lower down in the sneakier part of my brain. But my first night in Los Angeles, when Emily had told me that Shay spent a lot of time there, I already half-knew – and even then I’d wondered if that was why I’d been so keen to respond to the invitation to stay with Emily.
You don’t have to sleep with someone, you can he unfaithful with your emotions – and I was the one who’d said it.
Poor Garv. And what about the dreams I’d occasionally had about Shay? Garv didn’t know about them – unless he did. He seemed to be several steps ahead of me.
Poor Garv, I thought again. What must it have been like, knowing that his wife still held a pocket of love for someone else? How lonely he must have been through the miscarriages, mutely carrying his grief and partaking in all the fuss around me. How humiliated he must have been when he became impotent. How frustrated when I wouldn’t talk to him – because he was right, I had stopped talking to him.
‘Not a bit of it.’ Accompanied by a gorgeous smile.
Ah, I do,’ I teased. All that shaking hands with me, then running away.’
He half-laughed, ‘Maybe I feel guilty.’
‘For what?’
‘For, you know, when we were teenagers. But it’s all in the past and you don’t hate me, right?’ ‘I don’t hate you.’ He smiled with relief.
‘But when you went away and never wrote to me,’ I surprised myself by saying, ‘I nearly lost my reason.’
He looked like I’d slapped him. ‘I’m sorry, I thought it would be better that way. Less painful, to just let it all fade away.’
‘Well, it wasn’t, not for me. I spent years waiting for you.’
‘I’m sorry, Maggie. I was only eighteen, young and stupid. I hadn’t a clue. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you…’ He stretched out, lay on his elbow, and placed his hand over mine. We sat in silence.
‘Shay, tell me, are you happily married? Do you love your wife?’
‘Yes and yes.’
‘Are you faithful to her?’
‘Yes.’ Then a beat later, ‘Mostly.’
‘Mostly? What does that mean?’
‘I am in Ireland,’ he said awkwardly. ‘But, like… when I’m working here…’
‘I seeee…’ I said speculatively, letting it hang in the air.
‘Maggie, I want to tell you something.’
There was something about his tone that had me on the alert.
His tawny eyes were on mine. ‘Maggie, I want you to know…’
That he’d always loved me? That every day since he’d said goodbye to me at the ferry port, he’d yearned for me?
‘Maggie, I’ll never leave my wife.’
‘Um…’
‘My own dad left us and I saw what it did to the family.’ ‘Ah…’
‘But you and I… I come to LA a lot – if you’re still here, maybe we could…’
I understood what was happening: I was being offered a part-share in Shay Delaney. A consolation prize: We apologize that your life was damaged by the abrupt withdrawal of Shay Delaney, but please accept this voucher to be redeemed by Shay Delaney at your convenience.
Unexpectedly, I started to laugh. ‘You’re one of the good guys, aren’t you, Shay?’
‘I try. It matters.’
‘Your wife is so lucky, having a husband who’ll always stay with her.’
He nodded.
‘Even though he rides rings around himself on his business trips.’
His face darkened and he half-sat up. ‘Hey, there’s no need to be like that. I’m just trying to…’
‘What? Please everyone?’ That started me laughing again.
‘Trying to be fair.’
‘Fair. Like you’re a prize.’
He stared at me. He looked surprised, and I realized how very glad I was that I wasn’t his wife, waiting at home six thousand miles away, taking care of three children and wondering anxiously what her handsome, charming husband was up to. And I knew something else – I wouldn’t take a snail off his windscreen.
‘You try to be everything to everyone; you can’t say no. Don’t you get tired?’
He wasn’t happy. Not one bit.
‘I thought this was what you wanted,’ he sounded confused. ‘You know, all that ringing me, insisting on seeing me. You knew I was married…’
Oh Christ, when he put it like that. He was right: I’d almost stalked him over the past couple of days.
‘Why did you come here?’ he asked. ‘What did you want from me?’
Good question. Very good question. Being around him was like staring at the sun for too long: it temporarily blinded me. I’d gravitated to him, like a moth to a light, but with only the vaguest idea of what I’d hoped to get.
‘I wanted to know why you never wrote to me.’ But I already knew that, it was hardly rocket science: he’d outgrown me and didn’t have the guts to tell me. No biggie, it happens all the time, especially at that age.
‘And that’s all?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sure,’ he said, slightly scornfully. ‘You wanted a lot more than that from me.’
I hadn’t. I hadn’t known what I’d wanted, but now I was certain of what I didn’t want. I didn’t want a relationship with him, part-time or otherwise.
‘Honest to God, I just wanted closure.’
‘Well, you’ve got it,’ he snapped.
‘I have, haven’t I?’ I grinned.
‘You’re in great form all of a sudden.’
‘I am.’ I felt light and free. Shay Delaney was just a guy from another life, the repository of hopes that were years past their use-by date.
Suddenly I found myself thinking about those people who break into the pyramids looking for treasure, but when they get there the tomb is empty because someone had got there long before them.
‘Did you ever see Raiders of the Lost Ark?’ I murmured.
He looked at me as if I’d cracked up completely. ‘Of course I did.’
And the thought that had been striving to make itself known broke the surface, ready to be claimed – Garv had been right when he’d said that Shay was one of my reasons for coming to LA. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, it had definitely been decided lower down in the sneakier part of my brain. But my first night in Los Angeles, when Emily had told me that Shay spent a lot of time there, I already half-knew – and even then I’d wondered if that was why I’d been so keen to respond to the invitation to stay with Emily.
You don’t have to sleep with someone, you can he unfaithful with your emotions – and I was the one who’d said it.
Poor Garv. And what about the dreams I’d occasionally had about Shay? Garv didn’t know about them – unless he did. He seemed to be several steps ahead of me.
Poor Garv, I thought again. What must it have been like, knowing that his wife still held a pocket of love for someone else? How lonely he must have been through the miscarriages, mutely carrying his grief and partaking in all the fuss around me. How humiliated he must have been when he became impotent. How frustrated when I wouldn’t talk to him – because he was right, I had stopped talking to him.
