‘Security. You could be terrorists.’
‘Do we look like terrorists?’ I pleaded, hoping she’d see reason.
She snapped her gum a few times and drawled, ‘Yeah, you do.’
I stared at her, trying to psych her into giving in. She stared back, bland and unaffected, and with each empty second my hope dwindled away. But I wouldn’t give up.
‘Let’s check the shops and bars one more time.’ But there was no sign of him. Sweating, my heart pounding, my blood fizzing with awful hope, I skidded back and forth like a headless chicken, Anna doing her best to keep up, and I only stopped when I ran myself into exhaustion. Still I didn’t want to leave. ‘Let’s just hang around a bit and see if he comes.’
‘OK,’ Anna said, stretching and scanning like a meerkat on guard.
But when time passed and passed, I filled up with despair.
‘Come on,’ I eventually said. ‘We’re not going to find him. We might as well go.’
I drove home feeling like a waxwork model of myself. The streets and houses of Los Angeles disappeared and I was driving through a wasteland.
‘You can call him,’ Anna encouraged. ‘The minute he gets back to Ireland.’
‘Yeah,’ I mumbled, but a lump of cold terror was lodged in my stomach. I knew I’d left it too late. He’d come, I’d chosen Shay, he’d gone. I’d had my chance and blown it. The realization was like that moment on a plane when your ears pop and everything is clear again.
‘It was silly thinking I’d catch him at the airport,’ I said wretchedly. ‘That sort of thing only happens in movies.’
‘Starring Meg Ryan,’ Anna nodded gloomily.
‘He would have vaulted over the barrier.’
‘And everyone would have clapped and cheered.’
We both sighed and, in silence, continued the drive to nowhere.
For a long time I’d thought of my marriage as a horrible, dark place where I didn’t want to go. I hadn’t been able to remember anything good about it – but all of a sudden I could think of loads. Like, when we used to get ready to go out for the evening, Garv would appear before me in his Calvins and an ancient pair of cowboy boots and say, ‘I’m ready!’ And I’d frown and say, ‘You can’t go out like that. It’s cold, you need a jacket.’ Then I’d dot my foundation all over my face but not rub it in and he’d say, ‘Exquisite, my dear, you’re like a flower. But might I suggest a soupçon of lipstick.’ So I’d put a streak of red on my chin or forehead and he’d declare, ‘Perfecto!’ Then hand me the cotton wool to rub it off.
And Friday nights used to be lovely – we’d get a video and a takeaway (no change there) and lie on the couch and unwind after the week. And before the second miscarriage, Friday night had always been sex night too – that’s not to say we didn’t sometimes do it at other times, Sunday mornings could be nice – but Friday night was always a given. And even though, like I said, it was a long time since we’d had sex on the kitchen table, I’d had no complaints. It had been wonderful being with someone who knew my body almost as well as I did.
Then I remembered the way we used to do each other’s toothpaste. And how, whenever we went to the local Tex-Mex place, we used to share a basket of chicken wings as our starter, a basket of chicken wings for our main course and a basket of chicken wings for dessert. And the time…
Memories, each one happier than the next, tumbled into my head and presented themselves for inspection and I had to put my fist into my mouth to stop myself bawling with loss. I’d often heard it said, but never thought it would apply to me –you never know what you have until it’s gone.
When we arrived back in Santa Monica, I’d no real idea of how I’d got us there.
‘Do you want to be dropped at the Ocean View?’ I asked Anna.
‘No, I’ll come to Emily’s with you.’
I shoved my key into the lock and half-fell into Emily’s front room – where so many people were sitting quietly that my first thought was, ‘Who’s dead?’ In a second I’d taken in Emily, Troy, Mike, Charmaine, Luis, Curtis, Ethan…
‘You got a guest, man,’ Ethan said coldly, indicating the person beside him. Who happened to be Garv.
‘I thought you’d gone back to Iowa.’ Surprise made me sound stupid.
‘Couldn’t get on the plane. I only had a stand-by ticket. How was your date?’
‘Short. Ludicrous. I went to the airport to try and catch you.’
My face was burning with emotion and everyone was staring, boring holes into me with their eyes. And was it my imagination or were they all clustered protectively around Garv – and sending me hostile vibes?
Emily stood up. ‘How about we give them some space?’ And after a brief, reluctant pause, everyone trotted meekly behind her towards the front door. As Curtis passed, he pointed to Garv and said angrily, ‘This guy’s a way better man than the jazzy dude with the toney wheels who gave you a ride home Friday night!’
‘How do you know about that?’ Emily asked.
‘He’s got a telescope,’ Luis said.
‘Ugh,’ Emily groaned.
‘This love thing, it’s not like a haircut,’ Luis leaned into me, as he left. ‘You fuck it up, it’s not going to grow back, right?’
‘Er, right.’
‘If it don’t come back, it was never yours,’ was Ethan’s contribution. ‘If it comes back, it’s yours to keep.’
‘Be careful what you wish for,’ Mike nodded meaningfully. He was right there – I’d wished for Shay.
‘Think of the snail,’ Charmaine said.
‘Huh?!’ several of them exclaimed.
‘The snail?’ I heard Emily query. ‘What’s that all about?’
Then everyone had left and Garv and I were alone.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked wearily.
‘You were right. I’m sorry’
‘Right about what?’
‘Shay Delaney. I was still sort of hung up on him – but I didn’t know about it, I swear. Not really’
Garv rubbed his eyes – he looked exhausted. ‘This is one time I’d have been happy to be wrong.’
‘Do we look like terrorists?’ I pleaded, hoping she’d see reason.
She snapped her gum a few times and drawled, ‘Yeah, you do.’
I stared at her, trying to psych her into giving in. She stared back, bland and unaffected, and with each empty second my hope dwindled away. But I wouldn’t give up.
‘Let’s check the shops and bars one more time.’ But there was no sign of him. Sweating, my heart pounding, my blood fizzing with awful hope, I skidded back and forth like a headless chicken, Anna doing her best to keep up, and I only stopped when I ran myself into exhaustion. Still I didn’t want to leave. ‘Let’s just hang around a bit and see if he comes.’
‘OK,’ Anna said, stretching and scanning like a meerkat on guard.
But when time passed and passed, I filled up with despair.
‘Come on,’ I eventually said. ‘We’re not going to find him. We might as well go.’
I drove home feeling like a waxwork model of myself. The streets and houses of Los Angeles disappeared and I was driving through a wasteland.
‘You can call him,’ Anna encouraged. ‘The minute he gets back to Ireland.’
‘Yeah,’ I mumbled, but a lump of cold terror was lodged in my stomach. I knew I’d left it too late. He’d come, I’d chosen Shay, he’d gone. I’d had my chance and blown it. The realization was like that moment on a plane when your ears pop and everything is clear again.
‘It was silly thinking I’d catch him at the airport,’ I said wretchedly. ‘That sort of thing only happens in movies.’
‘Starring Meg Ryan,’ Anna nodded gloomily.
‘He would have vaulted over the barrier.’
‘And everyone would have clapped and cheered.’
We both sighed and, in silence, continued the drive to nowhere.
For a long time I’d thought of my marriage as a horrible, dark place where I didn’t want to go. I hadn’t been able to remember anything good about it – but all of a sudden I could think of loads. Like, when we used to get ready to go out for the evening, Garv would appear before me in his Calvins and an ancient pair of cowboy boots and say, ‘I’m ready!’ And I’d frown and say, ‘You can’t go out like that. It’s cold, you need a jacket.’ Then I’d dot my foundation all over my face but not rub it in and he’d say, ‘Exquisite, my dear, you’re like a flower. But might I suggest a soupçon of lipstick.’ So I’d put a streak of red on my chin or forehead and he’d declare, ‘Perfecto!’ Then hand me the cotton wool to rub it off.
And Friday nights used to be lovely – we’d get a video and a takeaway (no change there) and lie on the couch and unwind after the week. And before the second miscarriage, Friday night had always been sex night too – that’s not to say we didn’t sometimes do it at other times, Sunday mornings could be nice – but Friday night was always a given. And even though, like I said, it was a long time since we’d had sex on the kitchen table, I’d had no complaints. It had been wonderful being with someone who knew my body almost as well as I did.
Then I remembered the way we used to do each other’s toothpaste. And how, whenever we went to the local Tex-Mex place, we used to share a basket of chicken wings as our starter, a basket of chicken wings for our main course and a basket of chicken wings for dessert. And the time…
Memories, each one happier than the next, tumbled into my head and presented themselves for inspection and I had to put my fist into my mouth to stop myself bawling with loss. I’d often heard it said, but never thought it would apply to me –you never know what you have until it’s gone.
When we arrived back in Santa Monica, I’d no real idea of how I’d got us there.
‘Do you want to be dropped at the Ocean View?’ I asked Anna.
‘No, I’ll come to Emily’s with you.’
I shoved my key into the lock and half-fell into Emily’s front room – where so many people were sitting quietly that my first thought was, ‘Who’s dead?’ In a second I’d taken in Emily, Troy, Mike, Charmaine, Luis, Curtis, Ethan…
‘You got a guest, man,’ Ethan said coldly, indicating the person beside him. Who happened to be Garv.
‘I thought you’d gone back to Iowa.’ Surprise made me sound stupid.
‘Couldn’t get on the plane. I only had a stand-by ticket. How was your date?’
‘Short. Ludicrous. I went to the airport to try and catch you.’
My face was burning with emotion and everyone was staring, boring holes into me with their eyes. And was it my imagination or were they all clustered protectively around Garv – and sending me hostile vibes?
Emily stood up. ‘How about we give them some space?’ And after a brief, reluctant pause, everyone trotted meekly behind her towards the front door. As Curtis passed, he pointed to Garv and said angrily, ‘This guy’s a way better man than the jazzy dude with the toney wheels who gave you a ride home Friday night!’
‘How do you know about that?’ Emily asked.
‘He’s got a telescope,’ Luis said.
‘Ugh,’ Emily groaned.
‘This love thing, it’s not like a haircut,’ Luis leaned into me, as he left. ‘You fuck it up, it’s not going to grow back, right?’
‘Er, right.’
‘If it don’t come back, it was never yours,’ was Ethan’s contribution. ‘If it comes back, it’s yours to keep.’
‘Be careful what you wish for,’ Mike nodded meaningfully. He was right there – I’d wished for Shay.
‘Think of the snail,’ Charmaine said.
‘Huh?!’ several of them exclaimed.
‘The snail?’ I heard Emily query. ‘What’s that all about?’
Then everyone had left and Garv and I were alone.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked wearily.
‘You were right. I’m sorry’
‘Right about what?’
‘Shay Delaney. I was still sort of hung up on him – but I didn’t know about it, I swear. Not really’
Garv rubbed his eyes – he looked exhausted. ‘This is one time I’d have been happy to be wrong.’
