Looking over my shoulder, I meet her gaze and smile. “Yeah, he was into it.”
“And, are you?”
“Yeah,” I admit before turning. I don’t know how honest I want to be with Mekena. I’ve only known her for a few weeks, and I know we are friends and roommates, but how much do I want to open up to her? I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I’ve never really had friends at all. Hence, why when Caleb and I broke up, I didn’t know that I could get over him. That it was okay to let go and not beg to fix whatever the problem was.
But you can’t fix a dude who doesn’t want you.
Learned that the hard way.
But that is in the past, and I am not that person.
“I’m just a little freaked out, you know?”
Her face scrunches up in confusion. “No. I don’t. If Jace Sinclair wanted me, I’d be naked so quick with no second thoughts at all.”
Her deadpan expression makes me grin as I shake my head. “To me, he’s just a guy who has me feeling things I’ve never really felt before. I mean, I’ve spent all night and morning in bed with him, wrapped up like a pretzel, and I still want more. I mean, Mekena, I’m craving him.” Heat shoots straight between my legs and I close my eyes, inhaling a deep breath. “That scares me.”
When I open my eyes, Mekena’s mouth is parted and her eyes are wide. “Scares you? Shit, I’m pretty sure I need to give you another minute.”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “It’s intense.”
“Um, yeah… I mean, holy shit, I’m so jealous of you.”
“Focus!” I yell then, laughter in my voice. “He is everything I don’t want.”
Her brows slam together as she holds my gaze. “How in the world is Jace something you don’t want?”
“He’s a hockey player. I hate hockey.”
“What? Doesn’t your whole family play hockey?”
I shrug. “Yeah, and because of that damn sport, I was never enough.”
Her face is still scrunched up. “That’s a dumb reason not to like someone.”
Annoyed, I glare. “I never said I didn’t like him, I do. It’s just… I don’t want that distraction.”
Whistling, she shakes her head. “Jace would be the best distraction, I tell you what.”
Rolling my eyes, I decide I’m getting nowhere with this girl. She doesn’t see him the way I do. She sees him as some kind of idol, untouchable and all that jazz. I’ve been with him and, yeah, he’s great and I want more, but something is holding me back.
Something that haunts me daily.
Which reminds me, I need to take my meds.
Going to my nightstand, I reach for the bottles that hold my pills and open them like I have been doing for the last three years. As each pill hits my palm, they are a reminder of what I did when I was a young girl of fifteen. A pitiful, attention-seeking girl who loved a boy who didn’t love her. I want to say I don’t need the little pills, but I know I do. I don’t have the urge much, but I know that at any moment, it could happen again.
At least, that’s what my therapist says.
I can feel Mekena watching me. She does that a lot, and I know she wants to know what I take. Yet, she hasn’t asked. I have my excuse all prepared, just waiting for her to ask. I’m nowhere near ready to share my demons with her, and to be honest, I doubt she could handle it.
“So,” she starts and I close my eyes as I wash down the pills with some water.
Here we go.
“We’re friends, right?”
Looking over at her, I hold my towel tightly to me as I set my water bottle back down. “Yeah. Of course.”
“Okay, I know you are frustrated about the whole Jace thing. I’m sorry. With him, I see a totally hot guy I wish would look at me even a little like he looked at you last night. That doesn’t help you and I know that, but I think you should do what makes you happy. If fooling around with Jace Sinclair does that, then who cares about all the details? If being with him, like, hard-core makes you happy? Do it. Just do what makes you happy.”
Okay. Not what I thought she was going to say, but I appreciate her advice.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I know it’s more than you let on, but I hope I helped a bit.”
I nod. “It is and you have. It’s just I don’t want to make mistakes I’ve made in the past.”
“I get that.” She nods her head toward my medicine. “Is that why you take those?”
I can only blink. “What?”
“I looked up the meds because I’m a worrywart, I guess. And I’m thinking that the mistakes you made have something to do with the fact you take antidepressants and antianxiety medication.”
I can still only blink at her. “You looked up my meds?”
“Yeah, I had to make sure you didn’t have AIDS or something that might be contagious. I mean, I’m living with you. I can’t get sick; I have things to do.”
That makes me laugh as I shake my head. She’s so practical and I can’t be mad. She didn’t do it to be nosy. She was actually worried; I can see it on her face. But soon it is replaced with panic as she holds her hands up.
“I’m sorry I invaded your privacy—”
“It’s fine,” I say, waving her off. “No big deal.”
Relieved, she nods. “But if you need anything, someone to talk to, I’m here. That’s what friends are for.”
Where was she three years ago?
As my eyes fill with tears, I nod before turning to head to the bathroom.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened, but know I’m here for you, Avery, and I’ll listen.”
Looking back at her, I send her a smile. “Oh, I won’t, but thank you.”
Tearing my gaze from her shocked one, I shut the door behind me and close my eyes as I lean against it. A stray tear rolls down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away before dropping my towel. As another tear slides down my face, over my jaw, and onto my breast, I undo my pants and kick them and my panties up against the door. I don’t know why I’m crying, or even why I’m annoyed. I’m not sure if it’s because of all these things I’m feeling for Jace and I don’t know what to do with them, or if it’s because I wish I’d had someone like Mekena all those years ago. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt like I was completely alone, with no hope left.
“And, are you?”
“Yeah,” I admit before turning. I don’t know how honest I want to be with Mekena. I’ve only known her for a few weeks, and I know we are friends and roommates, but how much do I want to open up to her? I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I’ve never really had friends at all. Hence, why when Caleb and I broke up, I didn’t know that I could get over him. That it was okay to let go and not beg to fix whatever the problem was.
But you can’t fix a dude who doesn’t want you.
Learned that the hard way.
But that is in the past, and I am not that person.
“I’m just a little freaked out, you know?”
Her face scrunches up in confusion. “No. I don’t. If Jace Sinclair wanted me, I’d be naked so quick with no second thoughts at all.”
Her deadpan expression makes me grin as I shake my head. “To me, he’s just a guy who has me feeling things I’ve never really felt before. I mean, I’ve spent all night and morning in bed with him, wrapped up like a pretzel, and I still want more. I mean, Mekena, I’m craving him.” Heat shoots straight between my legs and I close my eyes, inhaling a deep breath. “That scares me.”
When I open my eyes, Mekena’s mouth is parted and her eyes are wide. “Scares you? Shit, I’m pretty sure I need to give you another minute.”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “It’s intense.”
“Um, yeah… I mean, holy shit, I’m so jealous of you.”
“Focus!” I yell then, laughter in my voice. “He is everything I don’t want.”
Her brows slam together as she holds my gaze. “How in the world is Jace something you don’t want?”
“He’s a hockey player. I hate hockey.”
“What? Doesn’t your whole family play hockey?”
I shrug. “Yeah, and because of that damn sport, I was never enough.”
Her face is still scrunched up. “That’s a dumb reason not to like someone.”
Annoyed, I glare. “I never said I didn’t like him, I do. It’s just… I don’t want that distraction.”
Whistling, she shakes her head. “Jace would be the best distraction, I tell you what.”
Rolling my eyes, I decide I’m getting nowhere with this girl. She doesn’t see him the way I do. She sees him as some kind of idol, untouchable and all that jazz. I’ve been with him and, yeah, he’s great and I want more, but something is holding me back.
Something that haunts me daily.
Which reminds me, I need to take my meds.
Going to my nightstand, I reach for the bottles that hold my pills and open them like I have been doing for the last three years. As each pill hits my palm, they are a reminder of what I did when I was a young girl of fifteen. A pitiful, attention-seeking girl who loved a boy who didn’t love her. I want to say I don’t need the little pills, but I know I do. I don’t have the urge much, but I know that at any moment, it could happen again.
At least, that’s what my therapist says.
I can feel Mekena watching me. She does that a lot, and I know she wants to know what I take. Yet, she hasn’t asked. I have my excuse all prepared, just waiting for her to ask. I’m nowhere near ready to share my demons with her, and to be honest, I doubt she could handle it.
“So,” she starts and I close my eyes as I wash down the pills with some water.
Here we go.
“We’re friends, right?”
Looking over at her, I hold my towel tightly to me as I set my water bottle back down. “Yeah. Of course.”
“Okay, I know you are frustrated about the whole Jace thing. I’m sorry. With him, I see a totally hot guy I wish would look at me even a little like he looked at you last night. That doesn’t help you and I know that, but I think you should do what makes you happy. If fooling around with Jace Sinclair does that, then who cares about all the details? If being with him, like, hard-core makes you happy? Do it. Just do what makes you happy.”
Okay. Not what I thought she was going to say, but I appreciate her advice.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I know it’s more than you let on, but I hope I helped a bit.”
I nod. “It is and you have. It’s just I don’t want to make mistakes I’ve made in the past.”
“I get that.” She nods her head toward my medicine. “Is that why you take those?”
I can only blink. “What?”
“I looked up the meds because I’m a worrywart, I guess. And I’m thinking that the mistakes you made have something to do with the fact you take antidepressants and antianxiety medication.”
I can still only blink at her. “You looked up my meds?”
“Yeah, I had to make sure you didn’t have AIDS or something that might be contagious. I mean, I’m living with you. I can’t get sick; I have things to do.”
That makes me laugh as I shake my head. She’s so practical and I can’t be mad. She didn’t do it to be nosy. She was actually worried; I can see it on her face. But soon it is replaced with panic as she holds her hands up.
“I’m sorry I invaded your privacy—”
“It’s fine,” I say, waving her off. “No big deal.”
Relieved, she nods. “But if you need anything, someone to talk to, I’m here. That’s what friends are for.”
Where was she three years ago?
As my eyes fill with tears, I nod before turning to head to the bathroom.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened, but know I’m here for you, Avery, and I’ll listen.”
Looking back at her, I send her a smile. “Oh, I won’t, but thank you.”
Tearing my gaze from her shocked one, I shut the door behind me and close my eyes as I lean against it. A stray tear rolls down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away before dropping my towel. As another tear slides down my face, over my jaw, and onto my breast, I undo my pants and kick them and my panties up against the door. I don’t know why I’m crying, or even why I’m annoyed. I’m not sure if it’s because of all these things I’m feeling for Jace and I don’t know what to do with them, or if it’s because I wish I’d had someone like Mekena all those years ago. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt like I was completely alone, with no hope left.
