She looks at me but doesn't say anything.
"What do you want, Sarah?"
She shakes her head, "What do you mean?"
"I mean in life, in general. What do you want?"
Her eyes glisten as she whispers, "I want you."
She is toying with me. She wants me and Sebastian.
"You want the things I can offer? You can live without the others?" I mean other but I don’t want her to know I watched her. I don’t want her to know I always watch her, or that I know she slept with him.
"No. I want both." She shakes her head.
"There's no both. There's what's here and what's out there."
She looks at me disgustedly, "Why do you want me? You have all that stuff down that hallway for a reason. You have all those things for a reason. You obviously didn’t get them to be with me. You've had them for a while. I doubt you're in desperate need of girls to submit to you."
All she sees is that. I feel a bitter smile creeping onto my face, "It's not something I care to discuss or explain."
She gets up fast "Well then, I guess we're done with this. Why don’t you call the doc for me?"
Jane has poisoned her against me maybe. Made her want him more than she wants me. She stomps off and pushes the elevator. I don’t know how to tell her anything. I don’t have any words with her and she doesn’t have them with me. Everything is awkward and silent and loaded with the things we don’t say.
I walk to her but I don’t touch her. All I see is his face against hers and the way she smiles and is bubbly and normal.
She gives me an annoyed look, "Why did you even want me to come over?"
I want to push her against the wall and make love to her, my way. Instead, I seethe, "I followed you and watched you last night. You were having fun and being free and you looked normal. I wanted to see it up close." She has nothing to say to that. She doesn’t care that I'm hurting.
She steps into the elevator but as the doors are closing I stop them, blurting out what I've wanted to say forever, "I want you to pick me."
She backs away like she is afraid of me, "And live a half life?"
I almost lean in as I hold the door open, "I can give you everything." My whole heart is already yours.
She leans forward, "Except the one thing I want. I want you. Can you give me yourself, the way I've been able to give myself? I don't have any dark corners left. You've invaded them all."
I am never going to be able to say the things I want to, so I let her go, "I want to be enough for you. I want it too." I let the door close and drop to my knees. The hundreds of things I could have said float through my mind. I don’t understand how one girl has me so tied up inside.
She is gone. No doubt to his place to celebrate being free of me. I sit with my back against the elevator and watch out the windows as the sky changes with the wind and clouds.
My butt is numb when my phone rings. I see her number and answer hesitantly, "Yes."
"You think of me as your sister? You've fucked me, imagining I'm your sister?"
I am lost. "What? What are you talking about?"
"Doctor Bradley, she told me that you think of me as the sister who died. You've replaced me in your heart as your sister and you love me like that. You protect me like that." I'm huffing and puffing and blowing steam in an angry circle.
I close my eyes and try to contain the instant rage, "You told Dr. Bradley about us? What we did at my house?"
"ANSWER ME, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DID YOU FUCK ME AND THINK ABOUT YOUR SISTER?"
I hang up the phone and turn, running down the stairs to my car. I drive in a burning fury. I don’t recall getting to the car or driving, or entering the building, but I stop myself when I see the shade of red changing to purple on her face. She is in the air and I'm screaming something. I've blanked out in black rage. I drop her to the floor. She gasps for air as I back away. Her gasps become laughs. She struggles to her feet and staggers to the bar where she pours a tall drink.
She has some and sighs, still wheezing slightly.
I sit on the couch, "How could you?" I ask defeated completely.
She turns and I see her, the real her. She is like a serpent head the way she moves and smiles. "You fucked her? Your own patient, Eli. You fucked her? How despicable is that?"
I don’t even frown at her crazy. My own patient? She is as crazy as a shit house rat. She has lost it. I get up but she rushes at me, "YOU LOVE ME! I KNOW YOU DO!"
I shove her to the floor, spilling the drink all over her. She rages and throws it at me. It smashes against my head. I see stars for a second but continue to the elevator, before I end up in prison.
"YOU LOVE ME! YOU NEED ME!"
I keep my back turned to her, showing her she is no threat to me. I step into the elevator and press the button. She throws herself at me again, but I shove her off just as the doors close. I dial immediately, "Wendy, it's Eli. Cut the funding to Dr. Bradley. We are concluded and will no longer be needing her services."
She always sounds friendly, "Sure thing, Mr. Adams. Have a great weekend."
I smile, "You too." I hang up and walk to my car. I drive home, but I end up outside of her dorm.
How can I explain that what she believes couldn’t be further from the truth? I love my sister, I always will, but I stood at her grave and I gave her to God. She is the reason I believe there is a God. I refuse to believe Em went anywhere but Heaven.
I sit and watch the light flicker from Sarah's body moving inside and decide the best thing to do is give up.
She doesn't trust me enough to believe that I could love her for her. She believed Jane's lies without even asking me. She was angry already when she called. She believed it.
I lean back in the chair and close my eyes and pray to not wake up.
Chapter Twenty-one
Stuart walks into my living room in his gear, "They went to the gym. They wouldn’t let me drive them. They took the bus."
I wince, not at him but for him. I don’t want her taking the bus, but I know Michelle is still hating on him.
"Do you want to go there and work out?"
His eyes meet mine, "Yeah." He looks exhausted. Surely Michelle must be able to see what she's doing to him. I grab my bag and grab us both a sports drink. He just stares out the window, like he's listening to the echo of his heart beat in his hollow chest.
I know that pain.
"I have everything."
He turns and nods. We walk in the awkward silence I usually reserve for Sarah. In the elevator, I grin at him, "You know if she is putting you through this, she likes you a lot. She would have told you she never wants to see you again and made sure she didn’t, if she really hated you."
He nods, "She still sends me texts. It's the only way she'll talk to me at all."
"That’s a good sign, brother."
He sighs and runs his hands over his short, dark hair, "I know. It doesn’t feel good though."
I scoff, "I know."
He looks at me, "Did you go watch them at the club?"
I nod, "And Jane told her I like to fuck her because I see her as my little sister."
He grimaces, "Oh God. Dude. That’s sick. I was wondering what the hell happened to her. I got that message from you that she was freaking out, and when I got there I thought for sure we lost her. She was on the sidewalk, just curled into herself. It was freezing cold and she wouldn’t talk or move."
I swallow hard, "She phoned me and asked me, no accused me and screamed at me. She believes Jane, that I love her and need her like a sister, and that I am a sick, depraved weirdo who wants to do those things to her, but pretend she's Em." It's so absurd, I'm not even bothered to talk about it.
He shakes his head, "Okay, I have to give it to you. Dr. Bradley has lost her shit. You were right and I was wrong. Bitch is crazy."
We walk across the lobby and I notice the lobby guy looking at me, like he's waiting for some kind of eruption and craziness. It makes me smile.
I drive us over to the gym, not even caring if they see us together. I am past the point of worry about Sarah and Michelle. I am disgusted in her opinion of me, but I am the one who pushed her face into the blankets and fucked her.
It dawns on me as I'm changing, that I never burned the sheets. I expected us to do it again in there.
The idea of it actually repulses me now.
Stuart and I walk up to the ring and start to mess around. We get about twenty minutes into our routine, when I hear Lance screaming for Tink. I stop fighting, "I'll be right back."
Stuart gives me a look, "Maybe we should see if Angelo wants to fight."
"I'll see."
I walk over and see him and Sarah racing each other. She kicks his ass, gloating all over him when she finishes. He shoves her a little, joking around. He sees me and backs off.
Lance tosses me some tape and sends a kid in my direction. Something is happening between Sarah, Angelo and Michelle. It ends with Michelle looking back at Stuart and then running after Angelo. I almost throw the tape in my hand at her face, but I manage to restrain myself. She is an evil slut and I will do everything I can to make sure they never get back together.
How can Sarah be friends with such a bad person?
Lance yells at her and points at me. I barely notice it until she walks up and offers me her wrists.
The kid walks off with his gloves on and I glance back at Michelle and Angelo and mutter, "We need to talk."
"Talk." She hates me and that’s fine. I'm beyond caring about her hatred, but I can't watch as her whore friend ruins Stuart.
I push away the hundreds of terrible things I want to say and smirk, "You know what I mean."
"Talk. Brother."
I gag a little but manage to not let her see. "I need to see you. I need to explain some things."
She laughs in my face, "Screw you, Eli. I have nothing but that to say to you. I have no desire to see you. I came here because I seriously liked the idea of being able to fight. I like the idea that if some asshole tried to pin me, I might stand a chance at defending myself. I won't ever be the victim again."
