“If they cared for their God like you say they do, they’d forgive me,” I angrily returned. Already I was angry! Typical of her to make me feel that way in under a minute. “They wouldn’t judge, which is what you’re excellent at doing.”
She’d equally had enough. “What do you want?”
Oh, God. How could I ask for money when we’d just spat in each other’s faces? I swallowed hard and hesitated. She watched me carefully, crossing her arms in that authoritative way. It was time to put aside my pride.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at the porch. I was pretty sure it was the first time I’d ever apologized for anything in my life to her. “You’re right. I was a shitty kid when it came to Ryker. I defied you over him because I thought I saw something in him, but… you were right all along.”
She didn’t reply. I was sure I’d floored her.
“He… left behind a lot of bad, and it’s because of that I’m here. I need your help.”
“Help with what?” she asked cautiously.
“I need money –”
She interrupted with a sharp intake of breath. It sounded like a hiss to me. “How much money are we talking about?”
“Five grand would really help.”
“I don’t even have two cents to rub together, Allie.”
“Well, I mean, anything would help, really. I’ll pay you back.”
She shook her head, giving me a big fat no. “I don’t have anything.”
Fuck.
I exhaled loudly and rubbed my aching eyes. “Alright. Well, can I have a glass of water or something? I’m really thirsty.”
She tilted her head to the side and looked at me like I was the biggest inconvenience of her life. “Are you serious with me right now?”
“Yes.”
Again, she pursed those lips and then she turned around. She walked into the kitchen and I followed after her. I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling lightheaded with overexertion. I hadn’t eaten all day. Pain shot up my lower back, and my growing belly was starting to feel like I’d swallowed a giant bowling ball. I waited by the entrance kitchen as she filled a glass of water under the tap. Then she walked to me and went to hand over the glass when she suddenly stopped. Her eyes were large, her mouth open in awe, and her gaze was firmly trained on my hand against my belly.
“Oh,” I said, remembering, “yeah, I never did abort, by the way. I mean, I was going to tell you about it, but you never picked up the goddamn phone, so…”
I took the glass from her hand and drained every last drop of the water as she carried on with her unabashed staring.
“How far along?” she practically mouthed out.
“Four months.”
“Oh, my Jesus. Where’ve you been staying at?”
“Heath.”
Her face twisted. “Heath Lawson?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it with you and those Lawson boys?”
I smiled wistfully. “Heath is different, Mom. He’s… everything to me right now.”
She didn’t respond. She tucked away her emotions – something she’d always been good at – and simply nodded at me. That was pretty much the end of that.
“Alright,” I muttered, “I gotta get back. Thanks for opening the door and not ignoring me. I understand you can’t help, by the way. I just thought it was worth trying. Everyone’s tight around here, so…”
Still, no response.
“Okay. Good night, Mom.” I wish things were different. I wish we were close. I wish Dad’s death never fucked you up because you were pretty great before it happened.
Those thoughts always swirled around my mind, but I could never voice them. I turned away instead and marched out of there. The wind whipped through my hair on my way to the car. I gave Matt an apologetic look as I reached over and opened the door.
I was about to slip in when I suddenly heard, “Allie!”
I looked back at the house and saw Mom hastily making her way over to me. In the dark I couldn’t make out her face, but I saw her holding something in her hand. She approached me, turning her head for a beat at Matt before looking back at me. She grabbed my hand and shoved what I now knew was an envelope in my palm.
“Here,” she said with a shaken voice, “this is… all I have put aside. It’s three thousand dollars, or something close to it.”
My heart must have stopped beating because I couldn’t draw a breath in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” she then said, taking a step back. “I’m not… I’ve never been well since... It’s not your fault. It never was.”
She hurried away before I could say anything. I tightened my hold on the envelope while my eyes were trained on her frame as she escaped into the house and shut the door. Salty tears met my parted lips as I nodded once at the house in thanks and climbed into the car.
Fifteen
Heath
I watched her Saturday morning sitting on the edge of the bed with the cash in hand. She was counting it over and over again, looking a little pleased with herself. I’d woken up to a kiss on my lips and the good news.
Three extra thousand dollars.
But had I won last night, it could have been hell of a lot more.
“Nine thousand and two hundred dollars,” she said for the third time. “You can’t tell me they’ll be pissed about that.”
They would be pissed about that indefinitely.
I didn’t tell her that, though. I just offered her a smile, and she fell for it.
“How do you feel?” she then asked, staring about my ruined face with worry.
“I slept well,” I answered. That was the only thing I could say that sounded positive. Anything else would have been a lie.
I slowly sat up, fighting the pain that shot up from my ribs. I was fucked. I could hardly move an inch without feeling bone-breaking pain somewhere. It had me seeing stars around the corners of my vision. My mouth ached from constantly tensing my jaw and grinding my teeth.
Allie kept reaching her arms out, wanting to help me, but then pulling back as though she was uncertain about it. After my defeat – more like slaughter – I think she was trying not to make me feel like I was completely helpless. I appreciated it. At the moment I felt emasculated. What kind of guy was I if I couldn’t fucking provide? Maybe I should have fought more and been tighter with the budget.
Shoulda, coulda. Not gonna help your situation, remember?
“I’m going to take the money up there today,” I told her.
She stopped counting the money again and looked up at me. The hesitation and fear reflected in her eyes.
“Why?” she asked. “We have another day. We might be able to find more –”
“No way are we going to make it to fifteen,” I cut in calmly. “The best thing would be to show up a day early and tell him what we have. That way if he takes it, we’re out of the clear until the next payment.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Exhaling with finality, I said, “Then that gives us a day to get the fuck out of here.”
She swallowed, fighting back the tears behind those clear blue eyes. “Okay.”
I opened my arms out to her and she crawled into them. She nestled herself against me, carefully splaying an arm over my waist. I stroked her hair and thought long and hard about today’s events.
Fuck, let it end well.
*
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you’ve idled your car in front of a bank, watching the people move in and out, and wondering how possible it might be to walk in there and rob the place.
Fuckin’ Dick and Jane type shit right here.
It took me a long time to talk myself out of doing something stupid. I won in the end, pulling out and driving as far away as possible. I followed the directions on my map book to the address I’d been given. By the time I finally made it there, I was on the outskirts of Hedley, nearing the rural farming divisions of which were mostly neglected or abandoned.
The place I turned into was a shell. Windows all boarded up. An unbalanced black stained house that looked like a gust of wind could knock its walls down. Yet despite the less than stellar real estate, a yellow Ferrari was parked out front.
Because that’s not suspect, right?
I drove past it and parked the car half a kilometre down the road. I stepped out with the envelope of money in hand and made my walk under the clouded sun. I breathed calmly, focusing solely on keeping myself put together.
Every step forward was agony.
My chest burned.
My ribs ached.
My limbs were stiff and sore.
I was fucked, and the skies reflected my predicament, covering the earth with its gloomy presence. I could smell the precipitation in the air. An explosion of rain was coming, and I could only hope an explosion of a different kind wasn’t.
I eyed the car on my way to the front of the still house. I even paused by the porch and tried to listen in on anything. It was one thing to give money away to a dangerous thug, and it was an entirely other thing to do it by showing up unannounced. But I needed the advantage of time in case he turned me away and gave me until tomorrow to get the rest of it in.
Thoughts get fuddled when you’re under pressure. A good idea might turn out to be the complete opposite, and it’s only when you’re clear headed and thinking straight do you realize this. Even then, standing out front of a druggie’s den, I was partly aware of my stupidity. But it was too late to turn back now.
I pounded on the door and took a step back. My heart stampeded in my chest, and an unsettling feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.
Pull yourself together.
Pull yourself together.
The door suddenly creaked open, inch by inch, until I came face to face with the barrel of a gun.
“Ah, you fucking serious right now?” came Ricardo’s pissed voice.
I swallowed air, trying to remove the shock of seeing a deadly weapon pointed in my face, and looked up at him. Half his face was covered with a navy blue bandana. He was dressed in black, long sleeved clothing, and his hands were gloved.
Shit. The only reason you cover yourself up like this is if you were trying to hide your identity. Something bad was going down soon... or it already happened.
“The hell you doin’ here, Lawson?” he demanded, keeping the tip of the gun levelled to my face. I didn’t fucking appreciate it.
“The money,” I managed out.
I saw those eyebrows shoot up. “Serious? I gave you tomorrow to come by. You ain’t supposed to be comin’ and goin’ as you fucking please around my turf. That shit isn’t acceptable.”
“I didn’t think the address would take me to a fucked up looking house in the middle of nowhere, man. Or that I’d see a gun pointed to my goddamn face either.”
“Yeah, well, you should’ve expected it! I don’t have time for this shit. Give me the fifteen and get the fuck out of here now. I’ll deal with you later.”
I sighed and looked down at the envelope. I slowly handed it over to him, and he roughly snatched it out of my hand.
“You’ve lived to see another day,” he exclaimed mockingly. “Congratulations.”
I didn’t budge an inch. This was his send off, but there was no way I was going to turn around while he went inside and counted what was in there.
“That’s not the full fifteen,” I told him hesitantly. “It’s just over nine.”
For a few seconds there was just silence. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I could only see those dark eyes looking straight at me. It was ominous as hell. Kind of like he was the Grim Reaper deciding my fate.
“Is this a joke to you?” he said, sounding bewildered.
“You don’t know what I went through to get that,” I retorted, motioning to the envelope. “So no, it’s not a fucking joke –”
“You realize you’re a dead man, right?”
“At least I gave you something –”
“Man, fuck this money.” He threw the envelope down in front of me. “It was never about the fucking money, Lawson! It was about you doing as you were told! I don’t have a choice but to take you out –”
“I’ll get you more –”
“You don’t have more!” he cut in, taking a step down the porch, that FUCKING GUN still pointed in my face. “Didn’t you take the fucking hint? Your brother made a huge error. He pissed a lot of people off! You were never going to walk out of this! Why do you think you were given a fucking task that was impossible to complete? Fifty thousand dollars – ain’t nobody in your position gonna ever have that.”
“Then why didn’t you just kill me to begin with?”
“Because my boss is a sick fuck who likes to watch you swim before you drown.”
“And who’s your boss? Take me to him!”
Ricardo scoffed and shook his head. “Too late for that, man. You fucking failed.”
“What does that mean?”
He shoved the gun in my face, until the barrel was hitting my forehead and shouted, “It means you’re fucking done, man! Get your ass walking. I’m not taking you out on my porch.”
He shoved me and my body screamed in pain. He kept telling me to move, steering me in the direction of the field just beyond the house. Jesus fucking Christ, I could do nothing but move, and even that was chaos on my limbs.
“Don’t do this,” I told him, feeling parts of my emotions shutting off. Self-preservation, maybe. Fuck if I knew. I was strangely calm on the surface.
She’d equally had enough. “What do you want?”
Oh, God. How could I ask for money when we’d just spat in each other’s faces? I swallowed hard and hesitated. She watched me carefully, crossing her arms in that authoritative way. It was time to put aside my pride.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at the porch. I was pretty sure it was the first time I’d ever apologized for anything in my life to her. “You’re right. I was a shitty kid when it came to Ryker. I defied you over him because I thought I saw something in him, but… you were right all along.”
She didn’t reply. I was sure I’d floored her.
“He… left behind a lot of bad, and it’s because of that I’m here. I need your help.”
“Help with what?” she asked cautiously.
“I need money –”
She interrupted with a sharp intake of breath. It sounded like a hiss to me. “How much money are we talking about?”
“Five grand would really help.”
“I don’t even have two cents to rub together, Allie.”
“Well, I mean, anything would help, really. I’ll pay you back.”
She shook her head, giving me a big fat no. “I don’t have anything.”
Fuck.
I exhaled loudly and rubbed my aching eyes. “Alright. Well, can I have a glass of water or something? I’m really thirsty.”
She tilted her head to the side and looked at me like I was the biggest inconvenience of her life. “Are you serious with me right now?”
“Yes.”
Again, she pursed those lips and then she turned around. She walked into the kitchen and I followed after her. I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling lightheaded with overexertion. I hadn’t eaten all day. Pain shot up my lower back, and my growing belly was starting to feel like I’d swallowed a giant bowling ball. I waited by the entrance kitchen as she filled a glass of water under the tap. Then she walked to me and went to hand over the glass when she suddenly stopped. Her eyes were large, her mouth open in awe, and her gaze was firmly trained on my hand against my belly.
“Oh,” I said, remembering, “yeah, I never did abort, by the way. I mean, I was going to tell you about it, but you never picked up the goddamn phone, so…”
I took the glass from her hand and drained every last drop of the water as she carried on with her unabashed staring.
“How far along?” she practically mouthed out.
“Four months.”
“Oh, my Jesus. Where’ve you been staying at?”
“Heath.”
Her face twisted. “Heath Lawson?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it with you and those Lawson boys?”
I smiled wistfully. “Heath is different, Mom. He’s… everything to me right now.”
She didn’t respond. She tucked away her emotions – something she’d always been good at – and simply nodded at me. That was pretty much the end of that.
“Alright,” I muttered, “I gotta get back. Thanks for opening the door and not ignoring me. I understand you can’t help, by the way. I just thought it was worth trying. Everyone’s tight around here, so…”
Still, no response.
“Okay. Good night, Mom.” I wish things were different. I wish we were close. I wish Dad’s death never fucked you up because you were pretty great before it happened.
Those thoughts always swirled around my mind, but I could never voice them. I turned away instead and marched out of there. The wind whipped through my hair on my way to the car. I gave Matt an apologetic look as I reached over and opened the door.
I was about to slip in when I suddenly heard, “Allie!”
I looked back at the house and saw Mom hastily making her way over to me. In the dark I couldn’t make out her face, but I saw her holding something in her hand. She approached me, turning her head for a beat at Matt before looking back at me. She grabbed my hand and shoved what I now knew was an envelope in my palm.
“Here,” she said with a shaken voice, “this is… all I have put aside. It’s three thousand dollars, or something close to it.”
My heart must have stopped beating because I couldn’t draw a breath in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” she then said, taking a step back. “I’m not… I’ve never been well since... It’s not your fault. It never was.”
She hurried away before I could say anything. I tightened my hold on the envelope while my eyes were trained on her frame as she escaped into the house and shut the door. Salty tears met my parted lips as I nodded once at the house in thanks and climbed into the car.
Fifteen
Heath
I watched her Saturday morning sitting on the edge of the bed with the cash in hand. She was counting it over and over again, looking a little pleased with herself. I’d woken up to a kiss on my lips and the good news.
Three extra thousand dollars.
But had I won last night, it could have been hell of a lot more.
“Nine thousand and two hundred dollars,” she said for the third time. “You can’t tell me they’ll be pissed about that.”
They would be pissed about that indefinitely.
I didn’t tell her that, though. I just offered her a smile, and she fell for it.
“How do you feel?” she then asked, staring about my ruined face with worry.
“I slept well,” I answered. That was the only thing I could say that sounded positive. Anything else would have been a lie.
I slowly sat up, fighting the pain that shot up from my ribs. I was fucked. I could hardly move an inch without feeling bone-breaking pain somewhere. It had me seeing stars around the corners of my vision. My mouth ached from constantly tensing my jaw and grinding my teeth.
Allie kept reaching her arms out, wanting to help me, but then pulling back as though she was uncertain about it. After my defeat – more like slaughter – I think she was trying not to make me feel like I was completely helpless. I appreciated it. At the moment I felt emasculated. What kind of guy was I if I couldn’t fucking provide? Maybe I should have fought more and been tighter with the budget.
Shoulda, coulda. Not gonna help your situation, remember?
“I’m going to take the money up there today,” I told her.
She stopped counting the money again and looked up at me. The hesitation and fear reflected in her eyes.
“Why?” she asked. “We have another day. We might be able to find more –”
“No way are we going to make it to fifteen,” I cut in calmly. “The best thing would be to show up a day early and tell him what we have. That way if he takes it, we’re out of the clear until the next payment.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Exhaling with finality, I said, “Then that gives us a day to get the fuck out of here.”
She swallowed, fighting back the tears behind those clear blue eyes. “Okay.”
I opened my arms out to her and she crawled into them. She nestled herself against me, carefully splaying an arm over my waist. I stroked her hair and thought long and hard about today’s events.
Fuck, let it end well.
*
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you’ve idled your car in front of a bank, watching the people move in and out, and wondering how possible it might be to walk in there and rob the place.
Fuckin’ Dick and Jane type shit right here.
It took me a long time to talk myself out of doing something stupid. I won in the end, pulling out and driving as far away as possible. I followed the directions on my map book to the address I’d been given. By the time I finally made it there, I was on the outskirts of Hedley, nearing the rural farming divisions of which were mostly neglected or abandoned.
The place I turned into was a shell. Windows all boarded up. An unbalanced black stained house that looked like a gust of wind could knock its walls down. Yet despite the less than stellar real estate, a yellow Ferrari was parked out front.
Because that’s not suspect, right?
I drove past it and parked the car half a kilometre down the road. I stepped out with the envelope of money in hand and made my walk under the clouded sun. I breathed calmly, focusing solely on keeping myself put together.
Every step forward was agony.
My chest burned.
My ribs ached.
My limbs were stiff and sore.
I was fucked, and the skies reflected my predicament, covering the earth with its gloomy presence. I could smell the precipitation in the air. An explosion of rain was coming, and I could only hope an explosion of a different kind wasn’t.
I eyed the car on my way to the front of the still house. I even paused by the porch and tried to listen in on anything. It was one thing to give money away to a dangerous thug, and it was an entirely other thing to do it by showing up unannounced. But I needed the advantage of time in case he turned me away and gave me until tomorrow to get the rest of it in.
Thoughts get fuddled when you’re under pressure. A good idea might turn out to be the complete opposite, and it’s only when you’re clear headed and thinking straight do you realize this. Even then, standing out front of a druggie’s den, I was partly aware of my stupidity. But it was too late to turn back now.
I pounded on the door and took a step back. My heart stampeded in my chest, and an unsettling feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.
Pull yourself together.
Pull yourself together.
The door suddenly creaked open, inch by inch, until I came face to face with the barrel of a gun.
“Ah, you fucking serious right now?” came Ricardo’s pissed voice.
I swallowed air, trying to remove the shock of seeing a deadly weapon pointed in my face, and looked up at him. Half his face was covered with a navy blue bandana. He was dressed in black, long sleeved clothing, and his hands were gloved.
Shit. The only reason you cover yourself up like this is if you were trying to hide your identity. Something bad was going down soon... or it already happened.
“The hell you doin’ here, Lawson?” he demanded, keeping the tip of the gun levelled to my face. I didn’t fucking appreciate it.
“The money,” I managed out.
I saw those eyebrows shoot up. “Serious? I gave you tomorrow to come by. You ain’t supposed to be comin’ and goin’ as you fucking please around my turf. That shit isn’t acceptable.”
“I didn’t think the address would take me to a fucked up looking house in the middle of nowhere, man. Or that I’d see a gun pointed to my goddamn face either.”
“Yeah, well, you should’ve expected it! I don’t have time for this shit. Give me the fifteen and get the fuck out of here now. I’ll deal with you later.”
I sighed and looked down at the envelope. I slowly handed it over to him, and he roughly snatched it out of my hand.
“You’ve lived to see another day,” he exclaimed mockingly. “Congratulations.”
I didn’t budge an inch. This was his send off, but there was no way I was going to turn around while he went inside and counted what was in there.
“That’s not the full fifteen,” I told him hesitantly. “It’s just over nine.”
For a few seconds there was just silence. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I could only see those dark eyes looking straight at me. It was ominous as hell. Kind of like he was the Grim Reaper deciding my fate.
“Is this a joke to you?” he said, sounding bewildered.
“You don’t know what I went through to get that,” I retorted, motioning to the envelope. “So no, it’s not a fucking joke –”
“You realize you’re a dead man, right?”
“At least I gave you something –”
“Man, fuck this money.” He threw the envelope down in front of me. “It was never about the fucking money, Lawson! It was about you doing as you were told! I don’t have a choice but to take you out –”
“I’ll get you more –”
“You don’t have more!” he cut in, taking a step down the porch, that FUCKING GUN still pointed in my face. “Didn’t you take the fucking hint? Your brother made a huge error. He pissed a lot of people off! You were never going to walk out of this! Why do you think you were given a fucking task that was impossible to complete? Fifty thousand dollars – ain’t nobody in your position gonna ever have that.”
“Then why didn’t you just kill me to begin with?”
“Because my boss is a sick fuck who likes to watch you swim before you drown.”
“And who’s your boss? Take me to him!”
Ricardo scoffed and shook his head. “Too late for that, man. You fucking failed.”
“What does that mean?”
He shoved the gun in my face, until the barrel was hitting my forehead and shouted, “It means you’re fucking done, man! Get your ass walking. I’m not taking you out on my porch.”
He shoved me and my body screamed in pain. He kept telling me to move, steering me in the direction of the field just beyond the house. Jesus fucking Christ, I could do nothing but move, and even that was chaos on my limbs.
“Don’t do this,” I told him, feeling parts of my emotions shutting off. Self-preservation, maybe. Fuck if I knew. I was strangely calm on the surface.
